Need Advice Regarding Friend's Wedding

[chemgirl]

Some of you may remember my delema about what to get my rich friend for her bridal shower present when the cheapest thing on her registry was $250 wine glasses (that price was PER GLASS!!!)

Now I have a much bigger problem. Her family's money came from illegal activities. Her dad and his brother did some very cruel things and there were deaths indirectly caused by their actions. They were never arrested because the paper trail was impossible to follow, but they lost a civil suite brought on by the family's of the people who were affected by their actions. Unfortunately their assests were hidden and in their children's names so they declared bankrupcy without assets and the families never saw a penny. The case was all over the newspapers and there was a tv investigation special on it.

I don't agree with any of it, but she's my friend so I turn a blind eye and avoid her family as much as possible. DH is, rightfully, uncomfortable with the idea of meeting her family or taking advantage of their money in any way. So over the last 2 years I've turned down every invitation to their house, cottage, European properties. DH feels that we should also decline the wedding invitation.

I really don't know how I can do this and keep her as a friend. She is already annoyed that I stopped travelling with her and her FI and visiting them (their home was financed by her father so DH won't set foot in it). I agree with DH, but I also care about this friend. I really want him to just suck it up and go to this wedding, but I know that's not being fair to him.

Can any of you girls think of a way to gracefully decline the wedding invitation without horribly offending her? I have already declined being a bridesmaid because of DH's views so I am feeling really torn on this.

 

[slg47]

I understand not supporting her family's actions, but I would go to the wedding and support your friend. Can you attend without DH? Or do you not want to attend?

 

[amc80]

Here's the thing...it's not your friend's fault that her family did bad stuff. Going to the wedding isn't showing support of approval of her family, but support of your friend's marriage. I suppose your friend could have completely cut ties with her family and accepted no monetary support from them...but it's her family. Her viewpoint is very different than an outsider reading the paper.

 

[vc10um]

I would attend without your husband if she is such a good friend to you.

 

[sctsbride09]

Is there any way you can just attend the ceremony? I think thats how *I* would try to handle it, especially if you have moral reservations, it sounds like you do agree with your DH. Otherwise (like if you have to travel) I would just send a gift and a card congratulating her with my regrets.

 

[chemgirl]

Its in our current city so travel isn't going to work as an excuse.

I am morally opposed to her family's actions in the past, but she was my friend before either of us knew about them. We went to school together and she was my go to project buddy until my graduation a little over two years ago. I would go to the wedding to support her and ignore the moral implications for one night.

DH has said he is fine with my going by myself. I just worry about how I would present that to her. I worry that going by myself would be even more of a statement than both of us not going. I know that doesn't exactly make sense, but how would I explain my husband declining the invitation when I accept it? She gets very very upset whenever anyone brings up her father's business so I feel horrible about bringing it in to her wedding. I don't want to tell her why he won't attend. Everything has sort of blown over now regarding the media, but it was a really hard time in her life. There were photographers camped outside of my house because her car was seen in the driveway. She was afraid to go to school because reporters would find out her schedule and track her down. Its just something I can't talk to her about anymore.

DH suggested booking a conference and pretending it had been booked before the wedding. Of course we would still send a present and I would take her to lunch after her honeymoon.

I just feel really awkward about this entire thing. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want to force DH to go. So I'm stuck with no idea how to proceed with this.

 

[swingirl]

If you can't think of a good excuse for your husband not attending, accept the invitation for both of you, go alone and say he got sick. This is simple and I wouldn't worry about the money if costs for his dinner. I don't think it will "bankrupt" them and there will be no further questions.

Be proud of your husband for having scruples and for standing up for what he believes. More people should be like him instead of "playing nice" to keep things calm. I also wouldn't want to dine with criminals. It is your friend's choice to accept the financial backing of her parent's illegal activities, so she is no angel in all of this.

 

[amc80]

I know that doesn't exactly make sense, but how would I explain my husband declining the invitation when I accept it?

RSVP for 2. He can get a stomach bug or a migraine or whatever. I can't imagine that one non-attendee would break these people, based on what you said. Plus, in case he changes his mind, you're already set for 2.

 

[chemgirl]

I know that doesn't exactly make sense, but how would I explain my husband declining the invitation when I accept it?

RSVP for 2. He can get a stomach bug or a migraine or whatever. I can't imagine that one non-attendee would break these people, based on what you said. Plus, in case he changes his mind, you're already set for 2.

I can't believe I didn't think of this. I am still stuck in budget mentality from my own wedding and purposely wasting a place setting didn't occur to me. You're right that its not an issue for them so why not?

 

[iota15]

Since you know the date of her wedding already, why not just go - and say DH had a conference or something to attend. Not everyone RSVP's yes' to weddings. Your DH had prior plans and only you can go. I don't see why that's a problem.

 

[marymm]

I would RSVP for two, and attend alone, and explain DH was not feeling well and couldn't attend. This is the truth - but you don't need to detail that the reason he is not feeling well is because dwelling on the facts/situation with bride's family makes him literally feel unwell to the point of not able to socialize with said people (because he chooses not to). I don't think you'll have to go into any more detail if you explain DH is sick and unable to attend, but if people press, you can say you think it is a bad headache and he feels sick to his stomach... I at least would be able to rationalize this to myself as a version of the truth.

For me, saying he was at a conference when he is not would be the bigger lie, and really, if someone told me at a wedding their DH was at a conference I'd be asking (as casual chit-chat), "oh, really? That's too bad, what conference is it, will he be gone all weekend, is it at least a fun city?" blah, blah, blah -- you might have to embroider more lies to support the "attending a conference" excuse.

Anyways, it is a tough situation, but I think you're doing the right thing for your friend by attending the ceremony. Best of luck.

 

[Amys Bling]

It's ironic that I stopped on this thread today- after I watched MOB wives for the first time... wait, wait... let me explain!! This is why: one of the daughters of a MOB guy who ratted out all his associates moved back into town and all her friends are having the same discussion "we love her and why fault her for her family/father's actions and decisions that she had no part of". I agree with this. You are supporting your friend and her marriage- not her family's actions.... So I say go ahead and attend the wedding to support your friend. RSVP for two and have FI fake an illness the day of....

Question: how did your friend react when she discovered her family's actions? was she appalled and horrified and ashamed, or did she glaze over it and move on from it? Honestly I would have a hard time if she defended it- or did't take the news horribly-

My issue with this is how she took the news and how she feels about it. I would be able to continue with the friendship as if, if she was hurt and disappointed and appalled by the reveleation of the activites... if it didn't affect her and she is happy to be blissfully ignorant and be supported off the money then I would have a problem with her morals...

 

[iota15]

You know what I was just thinking - if you RSVP yes for your husband, regardless of whether he shows up or not, that money is still being spent and well, earmarked for your husband. I know your husband isn't partaking in it per se, but this "bad money" is still being spent in his name (1/10th of a centerpiece, 1 meal, 1 seat cover, 1 favor, etc.)

Why not just be honest - RSVP yes only for yourself. If your friend asks, just tell her that he can't come, or he can't make it but sends his regrets. If she keeps asking, just tell her DH has other plans and leave it at that.

 

[Indylady]

If you can't think of a good excuse for your husband not attending, accept the invitation for both of you, go alone and say he got sick. This is simple and I wouldn't worry about the money if costs for his dinner. I don't think it will "bankrupt" them and there will be no further questions.

Be proud of your husband for having scruples and for standing up for what he believes. More people should be like him instead of "playing nice" to keep things calm. I also wouldn't want to dine with criminals. It is your friend's choice to accept the financial backing of her parent's illegal activities, so she is no angel in all of this.

It was really a hard time in her life when it was discovered that her parents were involved in illicit activites that caused deaths for the sake of profit..yes, I can see that. I would say, that it is not 'her fault' since it was her dad and brother doing these things--but she's accepted all of the profits, and not only allowed, but aided her parents to squirm out of any responsibility to the families of those affected by accepting that money.

I am able to relate to your situation; I have a family friend that is also wealthy, and used some crafty manuvering to avoid paying worker's comp for an employee that lost a hand on the job. Not only did they make their way out of paying the worker's comp (which would have been nothing for them, they are very wealthy), they also declared bankrupty so get out of paying the business loans they had taken to open the worksite.

Incidentally, I study labor and work so I see how profitable exploitative business can be. I understand that at one point, she had no idea what her family was up to. Now that she does, how can she still accept the money and the lifestyle that comes with it? I know that is not the question here. How far removed from reality can you accept the funds without any consciousness or responsibility from where that money came from? I see entirely where your husband is coming from.

 

[nkarma]

I agree with you completely Indy. There is blood all over any money she lets her parents give her. That she gets a nice cottage and expensive wedding (assuming it is her parents that paid for this) while other people's loved ones are dead is disgusting to me. If it were me, I wouldn't let my parents buy me a candy bar. I may even initiate a way to get the people who won the civil suit the money. Yes it is family, but that doesn't mean they get a free ride when comes to something as serious as this.

 

[rosetta]

I couldn't attend this wedding with a clear conscience myself.

 

[chemgirl]

We made plans to be out of town for the wedding. It seemed like the best way to get around the issue. We will have them over for dinner after the wedding to see the video!

 

[rosetta]

I think that's a good call.

 

[monarch64]

We made plans to be out of town for the wedding. It seemed like the best way to get around the issue. We will have them over for dinner after the wedding to see the video!

I think you did the right thing.

 

[slg47]

We made plans to be out of town for the wedding. It seemed like the best way to get around the issue. We will have them over for dinner after the wedding to see the video!

do you think they will still want to be your friends after you bailed on the wedding???

 

[Amys Bling]

We made plans to be out of town for the wedding. It seemed like the best way to get around the issue. We will have them over for dinner after the wedding to see the video!

do you think they will still want to be your friends after you bailed on the wedding???

I'm wondering the same thing...

 

[Anonymous]

I think that would be an unfortunate outcome, but wouldn't sway my decision. She's not saying "I'm going out of town b/c I don't want to partake in a blood money celebration". Even if it's suspected, she's still making plans to have them visit for dinner, treating them to a lovely meal and asking to see the video. That shows her support and interest in her friend while not putting herself in a morally compromising situation. I think that's is the best solution.

 

[iheartscience]

I don't know chemgirl...I think you and your fiance are being a bit harsh towards your friend. This is her family-do you really expect her to estrange herself from them completely? If I were in her shoes I doubt I could. I can understand not accepting offers to stay in their properties for free, but this is her wedding day.

If you really think so poorly of her I think you should just stop being her friend completely and let her know why.

 

[Indylady]

Is the family funding the wedding? I'm assuming that that was DH's reason to decline the invitation.