Need advice on FSIL...

[trillionaire]

I''d like to foster a closer/better relationship with FSIL, but so far, it''s been harder than I expected. We only see each other once a year, if that, so mostly we talk on the phone. I''ve tried calling to just chit-chat, but it feels awkward... it may be that she is not a phone person, but I am quite chatty and easily able to carry a conversation with most people... her, not so much. Feels forced. She''s nice enough, she even called me for my b-day, which was a nice surprise, it''s just easier to talk to FBIL than to talk to her. I''ve known her for about 2 years now, and I''ve known FBIL for about 8.5, so I''m sure that accounts for much of the difference... though it could just be the personalities... he''s more personable and friendly (warm, if you will), than she is.

We are similar ages, she''ll be 28 soon and I just turned 27, so that''s not really an issue. However, she is a wife and mother of two, (a seven year old and a newborn), so her life is being a soccer mom and carpools and homework and diapers, none of which I really ''relate'' to. I''ve done a lot of babysitting, and I''m really good with kids (she said so herself!), but parents tend to get offended when non-parents offer them parenting suggestions (in my experience), so that''s out. And FI and I don''t plan to have kids, so there''s not really much common ground there. Also, FBIL & FSIL are pretty religious, and FI and I are not, so there''s another strike out. To be honest, if we weren''t family, we aren''t the types that would likely gravitate towards one another, but I''d like to have a close relationship with my future fam, it''s just really hard over the distance. I feel like it''s easier face to face, but that so seldom happens... *sigh*

Any advice? lol.

 

[LilyKat]

It sounds like you're just not each others' "type", and that's pretty normal within families, so don't think that it's anything you've done wrong. I actually felt the same way with my own sister for many years (even now, to some extent) - we get on fine, but we're very different and probably wouldn't be friends if we weren't related. We're just different.

What helped with my relationship with my sister was firstly, not having too high expectations, and being happy that we had a cordial relationship even if it would never be super-close. The next thing was getting into the habit of speaking and meeting up regularly. It did feel a bit forced and a bit of a chore at first, but the more we did it, the more we started finding common ground and enjoying it. How far away does she live? Are there activities you would like to do that she might also be interested in (such as shopping, going to an art gallery or exhibition, new restaurant) that you could invite her along to every few months? The more time you spend with someone the more you find to talk about and the more comfortable you become with each other - fake it til you make it, in a sense.

I would just persevere. If you see her once a year now, aim for seeing each other every 3 months and perhaps having some contact (email might be an idea if phone is awkward initially - maybe use a ruse such as emailing her a funny/interesting link and saying "I saw this and thought you might like it") once a month or so. I would aim for gradually building a closer and more relaxed relationship without setting out to become best buddies, and you're more likely to succeed.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/17/2009 3:18:23 AM
Author: LilyKat
It sounds like you''re just not each others'' ''type'', and that''s pretty normal within families, so don''t think that it''s anything you''ve done wrong. I actually felt the same way with my own sister for many years (even now, to some extent) - we get on fine, but we''re very different and probably wouldn''t be friends if we weren''t related. We''re just different.

What helped with my relationship with my sister was firstly, not having too high expectations, and being happy that we had a cordial relationship even if it would never be super-close. The next thing was getting into the habit of speaking and meeting up regularly. It did feel a bit forced and a bit of a chore at first, but the more we did it, the more we started finding common ground and enjoying it. How far away does she live? Are there activities you would like to do that she might also be interested in (such as shopping, going to an art gallery or exhibition, new restaurant) that you could invite her along to every few months? The more time you spend with someone the more you find to talk about and the more comfortable you become with each other - fake it til you make it, in a sense.

I would just persevere. If you see her once a year now, aim for seeing each other every 3 months and perhaps having some contact (email might be an idea if phone is awkward initially - maybe use a ruse such as emailing her a funny/interesting link and saying ''I saw this and thought you might like it'') once a month or so. I would aim for gradually building a closer and more relaxed relationship without setting out to become best buddies, and you''re more likely to succeed.

I''m on the East Coast and she is on the West Coast, so the odds of us seeing each other more frequently are pretty slim for now. I usually only go home to visit my own family in the midwest once a year. I do like the idea of using email to segway... we comment on each other''s posts on Facebook quite a bit, as I love seeing pictures of the kiddies as they grow! I''m also hoping to get a webcam so that I can conference with the kids, and maybe FBIL and FSIL as well? I guess there is a lot of groundwork to cover... I don''t even know if she likes shopping or art, or anything really. I know she used to play basketball in school, that she works in environmental safety, and that she likes to cook and eat. That''s all I''ve got... lol. Thanks for your suggestions, and congrats on your engagement

 

[Smurfysmiles]

You know it really could be that she is not a phone person. I HATE talking on the phone and will avoid it to save my life. Even talking to fi on the phone drives me crazy, I usually tell him "just tell me in person when you get here" lol. With that being said, I am starting to develop a relationship with my fsil via chat and in person. I don''t think I''ve ever once called her on the phone. Just something to keep in mind