Need advice: Old friends and unequal treatment. (long)

[zipzapgirl]

I''m in a bit of a conundrum and I could use some constructive advice on how to deal. Here''s the situation...

I am friends with four girls from childhood and we''ve shared everything from kindergarten to our wedding and births. They all got married at ages 22-24 (we''re all 31 now) after college. I was the one who moved to Europe, travelled and lived the single life while they built their nests and started having babies. As time has gone on, we admittedly have less and less in common. We all live in various parts of the country now and see each other about twice a year, most reliably at Christmas. Some of the girls talk often (R & T went to college and joined the same sorority, so they have that in common), and I''d say that F and I are the two least involved with the others on a regular basis. I hate talking on the phone and we all live so far away and have such varying responsibilities that we never meet up.

I was a bridesmaid in three of the weddings, and MOH for S. S''s wedding was tortuous. Afterwards, things cooled a little on that friendship as I saw a level of self-absorption I didn''t want to be a part of. When I got married this summer, I figured that the Statute of Limitations for MOH reciprocity was over after 6 years, and knew that it would be tricky for S. to make the wedding in Europe anyway. She had a 2 yr. old, we rarely talked and it just didn''t seem like a good fit. None of the girls seemed all that interested in being bridesmaids and weren''t sure they would make it to Italy for the wedding (none of them have passports, or ever visited me there in the 5 yrs I lived there--it was just out of their range of possibilities, even with the cheap flights and strong dollar). We were trying to keep things as simple and stressless as possible, so I picked my two best friends from Germany.

None of the girls came to the wedding, but they did come to the garden party my mom threw for us afterwards in my hometown. No one offered to throw a shower or a bachelorette party/girls'' night (I was the chief organizer of almost all of theirs). In fact, no one even asked us anything about the wedding plans over Christmas last year. It was like they were ignoring the whole event in Italy. I chalked it up to our relative and geographical distance, the fact the S. didn''t take charge, and thought maybe they didn''t feel the need to do anything since they weren''t in the wedding party. I was at peace.

Then I get an email in August suggesting a Girls'' Weekend where we all travel somewhere for the weekend to meet up. I was little bit flabbergasted--like, they can''t organize anything for my entire wedding process and now this out of nowhere?

It never happened because no one''s schedule intersected and we really do live in odd corners of the USA.

Fast forward to yesterday when R. calls me to see if my mom is willing to host the Christmas gathering this year. Mom loves this event and she will definitely want to host it. Then R. says she''d like to bring a cake and some balloons and everyone should bring a gift for T. since she is pregnant with her first and this is the only time everyone can get together. So, the Christmas gathering is now turning into a Baby Shower. I left it on the stance that I would check with my mom if that date worked and get back to her, but last night it really started to eat at me.

I feel pretty bitter about my wedding being ignored and I can''t chalk it up to their disorganization anymore, as they can obviously organize when they feel motivated. It''s absolutely not about the gifts (they all sent gifts), it''s about their lack of any kind of recognition that I got married in May. It''s also about the fact that now I have been thrown into the position of co-hosting this shower by virtue of it being at my mom''s house. The neutral gathering will now be a baby shower. I know that many of you might feel that I am being too demanding, selfish and self-centered, and I admit that I am beating myself up a bit the same way, but the most I feel is just really disappointed and a tad bit bitter.

I feel like my options at this point involve

- Go with the flow and let them do the baby shower for T. Everyone will be talking non-stop about it anyway, so we might as well make it official. My mom loves hosting this party and will be in her glory. DH will be miserable and so will I--I don''t think I will manage to make it through the night without some sort of snide comment.

- Tell them that date doesn''t work for my mom and have them plan the party somewhere else. No one else''s house is big enough, so then it will be a shorter event at a restaurant or rented room probably. At least then I will be out of the co-hosting position, but DH and I will still be pretty miserable and my mom won''t get to host.

- Refuse to go completely. I think DH would be most for this option, but I do want to see them and I think this makes me look like a huge baby.

If you have any other ideas or suggestions, I''m open. I want to be the bigger person here, but I also don''t want to be bitter or be a doormat. And of course there are my Mom and DH''s feeling on the matter.

 

[meresal]

I''m sorry you are feeling this way. *HUGS*

My take on the situation. If you get married out of the country, it is not appropriate to expect your friends to pay to go. It is a personal choice to get married where you do, and many people just don''t set aside funds for international trips. I am a traveler as well, and would love if this was how the whole world is, but many people just don''t see spending that kind of money on a trip as a priority. Also, like you said, they have kids now. So there is alot at play when traveling.

Lots of people''s friends only attend the after celebration back in the home town. That is why you have it, for friends that couldn''t make it.

Did they ever talk about throwing you a small shower back in the states? Like they are doing for your friends baby?


If you think that you will be that miserable, then I would just suggest that they have it somewhere else, and then just attend as a guest.

Is there any reason other than not liking to talk on the phone, that you haven''t talked to your friends about this yet?

 

[lucyandroger]

zipzapgirl, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. It''s so hard when you realize you''re growing out of friendships.

Here''s the thing though. It sounds to me like your friends did recognize your marriage by attending the garden party in the states. They most likely figured that you would have had a bachelorette/ bridal shower thrown by your bridal party in Italy before the actual wedding. Also, since none of them travel and probably don''t have much experience with destination weddings, it might not have occurred to them that you''d want a girls night out with them after you''re already married.

About them not mentioning the wedding during Christmas - Could it be that they felt bad that they couldn''t attend? I would give your friends the benefit of the doubt.

I agree with mere that you should have the party somewhere else if you''re going to be miserable.

 

[tlh]

Honestly, I think it is unfair to have expected anything from them. You were right in your assumptions before... when you chalked it up to being so far away, and again, YOU DIDN''T ask them to be bridesmaids or even give them an opportunity to accept or say no (because they couldn''t afford it - etc.)

But now, you are available, you are still friends afterall - and what a joy to be able to shower your friend w/ love and gifts for the birth of her first child. Yeah, I understand it is easy to feel a bit bitter or slighted - but they only received an invite - people will go above and beyong even their financial means if asked to be a part of the wedding party - but not just as a guest.

I was MOH (sorta) at a wedding recently, and had to travel (in country) to attend. It cost me and my husband around $2500 to attend that wedding. Another really close friend of mine from college got married during peak season in Mexico and was staying at a really nice resort. We REALLY wanted to go, but I couldn''t justify spending $7,000 for us to attend. Yeah, sure it would have been a nice vacation. But on top of everything else, that trip was out of the question. Maybe had we remained closer through the years - but we had drifted apart. Sure, at one time we had been close, but we hardly talked, and even had I been invited to an instates shower - I doubt I would have gone. Because at THAT TIME in our lives - we really weren''t a part of each others lives. But, had she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I probably would have found the funds, and sucked it up.. and done more... who knows. Because as a bridesmaid you are more apart of it - you see more of your friend, and get more time than staring at the back of her head, and then sitting a few tables away watching her eat. But as a guest, and someone who would see her for all of 2-20 minutes that time vs money - wasn''t worth it.

Friendships come in waves- for me at least - sometime I''m deep in the throws of a storm, helping my friend through whatever drama it is - and when things are good they are quiet. Sure, we''re still friends, I just get called upon more when there is stuff going on. When married, they''ve got their husbands - etc - to call upon, but the friendship - just like the ocean is still there.

Try to look past the bitterness. You were all getting together, and she happens to be pregant now. So celebrate that, and be happy for your friend. If you were pregnant - they may be doing something for you - since you were already gathering. This shower is a shower of love andin part convience since you''ll all be gathering. Maybe bring your wedding album - so they can look at the lovely pictures and talk about the wedding - I''m sure they''re all very interested.

So have one more slice of cake at your pity, party and then turn the frown around... and enjoy your friends. Huge hugs.

 

[ts44]

I don't think that the fact that they didn't attend the wedding is at issue, but the fact that they never discussed the possibility of throwing a shower or recognized her wedding at all other than sending a gift and attending a garden party, despite her being a bridesmaid in all of their weddings and the MOH of one of them, organizing their showers and participating in their plans.

And now, one of them is pregnant and all of a sudden it's "let's throw a baby shower for X!"

I understand how you are feeling. It's possible that since you are the far-away friend, that it just never crossed their minds. They may have assumed that your European friends threw you a shower (did they?) and that it wasn't something they needed to worry about or even talk about.

I have a group of friends like this from college, and while I am not as far removed as you are, I'm the only one that lives out-of-state from them. I visit them at least twice a year, but only once since we graduated has one of them come to see me. I chalk it up to convenience of travel (one person easier to move around than 4) and made my peace. Sometimes I feel like they ignore a lot of what happens in my life, but at the same time, I'm not hitting their radar all the time either because I live 9 hours away and they all live in the same town, pretty much. It stands to reason that the things they hear about every day from each other would be foremost in their minds than something I told them would be happening 1 month ago in our email correspondence would be.

Is there one of them that you could gently bring it up with? I think it's worth talking to them about your feelings, as they may be completely unaware of any "unfairness" in how things are being done.

*edit to add*

tlh's idea of bringing out your wedding album is a good one, leave it out on a tabletop for people to pick up and look at to remember the day.

 

[lulu66]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:35:51 AM
Author: tlh
Honestly, I think it is unfair to have expected anything from them. You were right in your assumptions before... when you chalked it up to being so far away, and again, YOU DIDN''T ask them to be bridesmaids or even give them an opportunity to accept or say no (because they couldn''t afford it - etc.)

i kind of agree. it''s generally the bridesmaid responsibility to host the bridal shower & bachelorette party and close friends and family are invited to attend. putting myself in your friend''s position, i don''t know if it would have occurred to me that you''d want one to be hosted w/just "this group" of friends. they attended the in-town reception & probably feel as if their duties were done. as for not speaking of it at christmas, maybe you & they felt awkward because they weren''t asked to be in the bridal party & weren''t going to attend the wedding. idk, i do understand you''re feelings being hurt in the situation, though. i think if i were in your place & wanted to remain friends with these ladies, i would try to look at it from the possible viewpoint, suck it up & let my mom host the christmas gathering/baby shower. now, if you are ready to lose these friendships, that''s a different story.

 

[Haven]

I understand that you feel slighted, and I think that''s natural.

However, it sounds like there''s just been a lack of communication here. I would give your friends the benefit of the doubt and assume that they believed you were being thrown a shower and a bachelorette party wherever you were living. In addition, it doesn''t sound like you had an actual conversation with any of them about why you were asking more local friends to be your bridal party. Perhaps they felt slighted that you didn''t ask them to be in your bridal party, and they just figured that you now have closer friends who would throw the parties for you.

I don''t think it was fair of you to expect them to throw you any sort of party for your wedding if you didn''t ask them to be in your bridal party.

As for the Christmas/baby shower situation, it just sounds like they are trying to celebrate your friend''s pregnancy, and they assume that you would like to be a part of that as well. If they were harboring any ill feelings toward you they would likely just exclude you from it, not ask your mother to host it.

I would ask myself the following question:
Do I want to continue my friendships with these women?

If the answer is yes, then act accordingly at Christmas. That means you either host the party at your mom''s house, or attend the party at the alternate location.

If the answer is no, then refuse the invitation and be done with them.

If you really want to continue these friendships, then bowing out of the Christmas celebration doesn''t really seem like it will further that purpose.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Thanks for all of the comments and advice. It''s good to get some fresh perspectives. I really appreciate how you guys focused on helping me come up with a solution.

A girl I work with just announced this morning that she is pregnant. We were all so very happy for her and that''s what I want to be for my friend T as well.

I''ve been thinking about it today and I think I am going to have my mom hold the party--she really really loves holding it and the only real advantage to having it in an outside location would be the opportunity to leave if I got upset.

I think I am going to suggest to the girls that we do the baby shower earlier and have the guys and kiddos come by a bit later to round off the night. I know they aren''t particularly interested in baby showers (esp DH) so this might be a good way to do it, honor it, and then change the focus of the party once the guys arrive. Maybe we can get some good girl time in there as well--seems like these days we rarely get to have a conversation which doesn''t involve chasing a toddler or fostering conversations among the husbands, some of whom barely know each other.

We''ll definitely bring the wedding album. The pictures are really stunning, so there''s plenty to look at and talk about.

 

[Haven]

That sounds like a great solution, ZZ! I bet the husbands will *really* appreciate it, too.

Definitely bring your photos, I bet they''ll love seeing them.

 

[lulu66]

Date: 12/16/2009 5:21:15 PM
Author: zipzapgirl


I think I am going to suggest to the girls that we do the baby shower earlier and have the guys and kiddos come by a bit later to round off the night. I know they aren''t particularly interested in baby showers (esp DH) so this might be a good way to do it, honor it, and then change the focus of the party once the guys arrive. Maybe we can get some good girl time in there as well--seems like these days we rarely get to have a conversation which doesn''t involve chasing a toddler or fostering conversations among the husbands, some of whom barely know each other.


We''ll definitely bring the wedding album. The pictures are really stunning, so there''s plenty to look at and talk about.

i think this sounds perfect!! i bet when it''s all said & done you & your friends will have a great time catching up!! (and yay to you for being the bigger person.)