Name Change Dilema - Your thoughts, experiences?

[Mrs.SE]

Hey all, I need thoughts and opinions, stories of people you know, about name change dilemas, or how you came to your conclusion.

I''m very attached to my last name, however I want to take my fiance''s last name as well. I know hyphenating was a trend, and that''d be a great solution except I think it will be a horrible hassle for signing everything since my first name is 8 letters long - adding 2 long last names to that I think I''ll cramp everytime I have to write it. Also with how things will fall alphabetically.

The reason I want to keep my is because I have a young son who is truely the last of the bloodline of my father & the Sullivan name - my father had 4 daughters and never a son. My fiance'' has 2 children of his that carry his last name of course, so if I take my fiance''s last name, I don''t want my son growing up in our household feeling he is different because he is the only one with a different last name. If that''s the case then I''m willing to sacrifce the carrying 2 last names so he doesn''t feel alienated. I''ve also heard a lot of people now adding their maiden name to their middle name or dropping their middle name for their maiden name. This would be an ok option, but still kinda defeats the purpose of hanging onto Sullivan since how often do any of us use our middle names? And how do you go about that - I don''t think the marriage license would be sufficent for a name change, I think you''d have to go through a legal name change w/ the court system to have 2 middle names - because they''d have to change it on your birth certificate etc etc.

I want to identify with my son, myself and my husband. The more I sit here and type this I think the only option is to hyphenate. Ok if that''s the case then do I actually Hyphenate or just do Double Barrelled? (No hyphenate between the 2 last names)

I''m not decided either way. It would be nice for simplicity sake to have only one last name, however the sentimental reasons. Please help, if I can''t figure it out I''ll just do nothing until I can make a decision and the wedding is in a short few months...please share anything with me.
My fiance'' is fine with whatever my decision is, he said he''d be fine if I wanted to just stay Sullivan, but I don''t believe that is the right thing to do going into our marriage and I do want his last name..

 

[jaylex]

Is there any way you can keep your maiden name "legally" but use your husbands last name socially? I've heard a lot of doctors will do that.
For Instance, when you go out with your husband you are "Mr. and Mrs. Jones" but on your birth cert, your license, your sons parent/teacher conferences you are "Mrs. Sullivan"?
Or do you think that would be complicated.
I have a different first name (Alexa), and people are always getting it wrong so when anybody says "Alexa, Alexis, Alexia or Alex" in my direction I respond really easily and without hesitation (even if I hate it lol). Since you're used to your maiden name and you will get used to hearing "Mrs. Jones", if may be easy on you to respond to either too?
The one thing that may complicate this is if you and your fiance decide to have children together.

Good luck

!

 

[fieryred33143]

I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to share that our department admin went through the same situation.

She and her husband divorced when her son was 2. About 3 years later she met someone else and they married (in the courthouse) a year or so after that. He has 2 daughters as well. They did not want to have any more children. She decided to keep her ex-husband's last name for the sake of her son. Her son is now 15 and they (for some reason) decided to renew their vows and have a small ceremony. At that point she changed her last name because she said he was older and understood things better than when he was just 5.

You did not say how old your son is. Is he in school? Also, do you plan on having more children?

From my own experience, my FI and I are (obviously) not married and therefore do not have the same last name. DD has FI's last name and it has been such a hassle. The insurance gave us a really hard time for 3 months and required a bunch of identifying information to make sure that I am her mother. She's almost a year old and I recently got letters from the court to establish paternity. FI and I have to go to the courthouse to sign documentation that he is the father and to say that I am not going for child support. Anyway, I thought I would throw that out there in case you are planning on having more children.

If it were me in your situation, I would probably do as our admin did solely based on the inconvenience of having a child with a different last name when you are the mother. If I'm having this much trouble before DD is even *one, I can't imagine what it would be like if she were in school.

*correction

 

[Clairitek]

If I were in your situation, I would hyphenate and just learn to move past the whole "my name is too long to sign" thing. I hyphenated because I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my maiden name. I also added a middle name because I previously didn't have one. So my name went from 14 letters to 27 letters including the hyphen. Sure its takes me forever to sign my name, but to have the name I really want, its worth it.

Hyphenating allows you to continue to share a name with your son as well as be tied to your husband and his family.

ETA: I didn't even consider the points that fiery brought up, and I think she has a great point. I neglected to mention in my post earlier that before I hyphenated I made sure my husband was OK with our kids having a hyphenated name as well so I would share a name with them. Technically, so will he, since his last name is the second half of mine (and our future children).

 

[zipzapgirl]

There are lots of discussions about name changes--both the logistics of doing it and the logic of what you choose--over in the Newlyweds section.

As far as the logistics go (at least in the USA), the name change is independent of the marriage certificate. You apply first through the social security office, then get a new driver''s license and then banks, credit cards, notify employer, etc. You don''t change your birth certificate. Be sure and check with your state that whatever you decide to do with your name is allowed--there are a couple of states which have idiosyncracies with middle names and so on.

Have you talked to your son about how he feels about the name change? Is this important to him? Sometimes people surprise you in what their real opinions are. Also, a lot of people hyphenate or use double names on official paperwork but call themselves one name professionally and another personally. So you might consider compromising like this.

Good luck--sounds like you are really torn and a series of talks with your son might help.

 

[RaiKai]

I grew up in a household with a different last name than my mother and my stepfather, and even some of my siblings. I still felt like a family and never felt "alienated" due to having a different last name. There is more to family than that (which is why the decision to change one's last name is always very personal!) and I certainly was a lot closer to the side of the family I did NOT share a last name with then the one I did. I know lots of people who did not have the same name as one or both parents in their household growing up - no one has ever expressed they felt "alienated"! Honestly, I would probably not make the decision based on that. I would really consider whether you want to take your husband's name, whether you want a hyphen or not, etc. Or just use the married name socially, and maiden name legally.

When I was 7 or 8 or so (this was about 23 or 24 years ago), I was given the OPTION of adding my mother's maiden name as a second middle name, hyphenating it, taking it as a last, or not adding it all. I opted at the time to add it as a second middle name. Not because I felt alienated, but because I thought it would be kind of cool to have. We DID have to do a Change of Name application (they are not done via courts here but you still have to apply) to do so and it did change the name on my birth certificate. I do not know how old your son is, but you can always ask him when he is older what he would like. Perhaps he would like to add the married name as a middle name for example down the road? Maybe not? Maybe he is just fine with it as is and you having a different name, and so on.

I never used my mothers maiden name as a last name (or signed with it) as I did not want to at the time, but knew it was there and have it on documents that require my "full legal name" (i.e. diplomas and the like). I still have it and I still like having it. One brother and one sister did the same. In the past year my sister actually decided to change her name quite a bit...took my mother's maiden name as the last (moving it from the middle), dropping my father's last name entirely and adding a new second middle name which was a great grandmother's first name. Just because My brother plans on dropping my father's last name entirely and using the middle name (mother's maiden) as his last when he marries his partner (they are a gay couple) and his partner will take on my mother's maiden name too.

When I married, I did opt to take my husband's name, and drop my father's last name and keep my mother's maiden name as a middle (replacing father's name with husband's name) with no regrets there. I would not have been opposed to keeping maiden as a middle except it would have meant I would have FIVE names...!!! And I would have had to change my birth certificate to use it legally as a middle name under our legislation which I did not want to do. Here, when you just take spouse's name do that you do not have to change your birth certificate (just show marriage license to change ID and such). So my married name is still my legal name, but then again my maiden name is also still a legal name - just not the one I use. If I had hyphenated, I would have had to do a full change of name application (and changed my birth certificate) and I find it odd to have my birth certificate changed that way. I also don't really like hyphens personally, even though it would have only been 8 letters hyphenated!

And.....you can always find a new signature - you do not have to sign complete last name (i.e. do initials or such). I have a "lawyer signature" now since I have to sign so many things (documents, cheques, forms, etc) during the day....basically a few swoops and ineligible scribbles...ha! My husband signs his full first and last name out but he does not have to sign umpteen thousand things a day!

 

[Mrs.SE]

Thank you for the responses. I looked at my driver''s license yesterday, when I was contemplating adding my maiden name to my middle name, because in Missouri they don''t put your middle name - only intials so my drivers license would be first name - middle intials D.S. then FI last name, and thought how sad I would feel to not see Sullivan there at all.

As far as future children, we would love to have a child together, however there are extinuating circumstances. We both work in the fire service and juggle difficult schedules with finding childcare for my son, he is 3 years old - we don''t have a lot of family to offer any help. My FI kids are older at 8 & 10 so it''s not so difficult w/ them being in school and also sharing custody 50/50 w/ his ex wife works well for childcare, but I have my 3 y/o son full time, his bio dad is not in the picture. My FI would also need a reverse vasectomy. We''d love to have a child, but most days we''re beat and exhausted after trying to raise and juggle the 3 we have with our careers, but then I don''t feel it''s fair to base the decision of exhaustion/working schedules to deny ourselves a child together that we both want. And the child would of course take my husbands last name.

 

[Mrs.SE]

Zipzapgirl - In the state of Missouri - to legally add my maiden name to my middle name, I would have to go through the courts for a legal name change, then it said the birth certificate would have to be changed as well. Anyway the jist of that it seems it would be too much of a hassle to do that and just easier to hyphenate.

And to all - yes my son is only turning 3 next month, so I can't really "talk" to him about this just yet, and I'll have to make the decision of my name without the consent of a toddler's advice, or then my name would be legally Ms. SpongeBob

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/23/2010 10:29:26 AM
Author: Mrs.SE
Zipzapgirl - In the state of Missouri - to legally add my maiden name to my middle name, I would have to go through the courts for a legal name change, then it said the birth certificate would have to be changed as well. Anyway the jist of that it seems it would be too much of a hassle to do that and just easier to hyphenate.

And to all - yes my son is only turning 3 next month, so I can''t really ''talk'' to him about this just yet, and I''ll have to make the decision of my name without the consent of a toddler''s advice, or then my name would be legally Ms. SpongeBob

hahahaha this really made me laugh. Children are awesome.

In light of what you mentioned, if it were me I would probably do some research on what having a different last name means when dealing with school.

I think though that having a different last name would only contribute to his feelings of being alienated. I don''t think it''ll be the reason why he would feel that way. As long as your FI and his children do not establish that kind of relationship with him, then he shouldn''t feel that way just because of the last name.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/23/2010 10:39:14 AM
Author: fiery

Date: 6/23/2010 10:29:26 AM
Author: Mrs.SE
Zipzapgirl - In the state of Missouri - to legally add my maiden name to my middle name, I would have to go through the courts for a legal name change, then it said the birth certificate would have to be changed as well. Anyway the jist of that it seems it would be too much of a hassle to do that and just easier to hyphenate.

And to all - yes my son is only turning 3 next month, so I can''t really ''talk'' to him about this just yet, and I''ll have to make the decision of my name without the consent of a toddler''s advice, or then my name would be legally Ms. SpongeBob

hahahaha this really made me laugh. Children are awesome.

In light of what you mentioned, if it were me I would probably do some research on what having a different last name means when dealing with school.

I think though that having a different last name would only contribute to his feelings of being alienated. I don''t think it''ll be the reason why he would feel that way. As long as your FI and his children do not establish that kind of relationship with him, then he shouldn''t feel that way just because of the last name.

I agree that it has to do with the way you raise your child(ren); My husband comes from a family of 6 siblings, though only 1 is a "full" sibling. There are 3 different fathers for the 7 children, (so 3 different last names), yet they all refer to each other as "brother" and "sister", not "half-brother" and "half-sister", etc. This is the way they were raised, and personally, I think it''s wonderful

 

[Mrs.SE]

I like that Fiery. Good point. I have a friend who is older, but a similiar situation. Her oldest son is the only one w/ his bio dad''s last name, and she took her new husbands name, which they had 2 more children and left him being the only one w/ a different last name. She said it doesn''t affect him, or how they act towards each other, of course they all got together at a very young age and there is only a year or 2 between all the siblings wheras w/ my fiance'' there is a 5 year difference between my son and my FI youngest son. And no, his children don''t always get along w/ my son because of the age gap. They seem to be 50/50 where at times they love to play with him, yet another time they get upset if they have to include him in an activity. They can''t grasp he''s only a toddler, and they try to hold him to older standards like them at age 8 & 10. Hmmm the more this discussion continues the more I see the need to just bite it and hyphenate that way there is no sense of loss of self to myself or son, yet open to combining my future w my husband and our blended family, especially if we do have a child together which will carry his last name.

But I''m still interested in hearing your thoughts opinions and stories. I''d like to hear more about those that have hyphenated - do you like it, how did you adjust, how do you feel? Did you actually add a hyphenate or double barrel 2 last names w/o the hyphenate? When I was researching yesterday online - a lot of recent articles said hyphenating was the "trend" for awhile but many stray from it now because of all the hassles it has caused and they find it much simpler to have a single last name.

 

[lilyfoot]

If your fiance is ok with you keeping your maiden name, IMO, that''s the right thing to do in this situation (because of your child). You can keep your maiden name legally, but you are free to use your married name socially.

Also, as someone else said, you can always change your last name later on, when your child is older.

 

[Prana]

I''ve decided to keep my last name, and add my husband''s as a second middle, no hyphenation. This way, I''m still known at work by my maiden name, but also have the luxury of using my husbands last name. People think it''s weird, but I like to have my cake and eat it too

 

[Octavia]

Date: 6/23/2010 12:09:52 PM
Author: girlface
I've decided to keep my last name, and add my husband's as a second middle, no hyphenation. This way, I'm still known at work by my maiden name, but also have the luxury of using my husbands last name. People think it's weird, but I like to have my cake and eat it too

This is what my name change of choice would be, as well, but it won't happen unless/until DH agrees to make the same change (adding my last name as a second middle). It's not weird at all, I think it's the best of both worlds!

OP, I agree with C-tek that in your situation, it seems to make the most sense to hyphenate. Your name will be long, but it otherwise gives you everything you want.

 

[merilenda]

Just an aside, my Missouri drivers license DOES have my full middle name on it.

 

[sonnyjane]

I had no attachment to my middle name (actually I hated it), so when I got married, I took my DH's last name, but changed my middle name to my maiden name because I didn't want to lose that identity. It's not hyphenated, but I sign work emails as (not my real name) Emily Jones Glass, and my credit cards all say Emily Jones Glass. My license says Emily J. Glass but that's not a huge deal to me. My actual signature when I sign checks or document is just EJG, so I don't have to worry about it being long or anything.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 6/23/2010 12:09:52 PM
Author: girlface
I''ve decided to keep my last name, and add my husband''s as a second middle, no hyphenation. This way, I''m still known at work by my maiden name, but also have the luxury of using my husbands last name. People think it''s weird, but I like to have my cake and eat it too

I was going to drop my middle name and do Firstname Myname Hisname, but the whole purpose of me keeping my name is so that I can use it professionally. I just found out in the state I am licensed in, I have use use my legal last name

. So now I am going to do either what girlface did or use his name socially, but than there is the whole kid issue.

I would hope a birth certificate could settle any of those questions though.

 

[yssie]

Date: 6/23/2010 10:13:15 AM
Author: RaiKai
I grew up in a household with a different last name than my mother and my stepfather, and even some of my siblings. I still felt like a family and never felt 'alienated' due to having a different last name. There is more to family than that (which is why the decision to change one's last name is always very personal!) and I certainly was a lot closer to the side of the family I did NOT share a last name with then the one I did. I know lots of people who did not have the same name as one or both parents in their household growing up - no one has ever expressed they felt 'alienated'! Honestly, I would probably not make the decision based on that. I would really consider whether you want to take your husband's name, whether you want a hyphen or not, etc. Or just use the married name socially, and maiden name legally.

When I was 7 or 8 or so (this was about 23 or 24 years ago), I was given the OPTION of adding my mother's maiden name as a second middle name, hyphenating it, taking it as a last, or not adding it all. I opted at the time to add it as a second middle name. Not because I felt alienated, but because I thought it would be kind of cool to have. We DID have to do a Change of Name application (they are not done via courts here but you still have to apply) to do so and it did change the name on my birth certificate. I do not know how old your son is, but you can always ask him when he is older what he would like. Perhaps he would like to add the married name as a middle name for example down the road? Maybe not? Maybe he is just fine with it as is and you having a different name, and so on.

I never used my mothers maiden name as a last name (or signed with it) as I did not want to at the time, but knew it was there and have it on documents that require my 'full legal name' (i.e. diplomas and the like). I still have it and I still like having it. One brother and one sister did the same. In the past year my sister actually decided to change her name quite a bit...took my mother's maiden name as the last (moving it from the middle), dropping my father's last name entirely and adding a new second middle name which was a great grandmother's first name. Just because My brother plans on dropping my father's last name entirely and using the middle name (mother's maiden) as his last when he marries his partner (they are a gay couple) and his partner will take on my mother's maiden name too.

When I married, I did opt to take my husband's name, and drop my father's last name and keep my mother's maiden name as a middle (replacing father's name with husband's name) with no regrets there. I would not have been opposed to keeping maiden as a middle except it would have meant I would have FIVE names...!!! And I would have had to change my birth certificate to use it legally as a middle name under our legislation which I did not want to do. Here, when you just take spouse's name do that you do not have to change your birth certificate (just show marriage license to change ID and such). So my married name is still my legal name, but then again my maiden name is also still a legal name - just not the one I use. If I had hyphenated, I would have had to do a full change of name application (and changed my birth certificate) and I find it odd to have my birth certificate changed that way. I also don't really like hyphens personally, even though it would have only been 8 letters hyphenated!

And.....you can always find a new signature - you do not have to sign complete last name (i.e. do initials or such). I have a 'lawyer signature' now since I have to sign so many things (documents, cheques, forms, etc) during the day....basically a few swoops and ineligible scribbles...ha! My husband signs his full first and last name out but he does not have to sign umpteen thousand things a day!

She nails it again.

My mum and I have a different surname than my dad. No issues, no alienation, no hurt feelings, it's just the way it is.
I'm going to keep my last name, but our kids will take FI's last name.

 

[february2003bride]

Is your FI planning to adopt your DS? If he is, I would keep your last name until it''s finalized. If he isn''t, I wouldn''t change it at all until your DS is older and is ok with it, especially if you aren''t planning on changing his last name to your FI''s.

Very similar situation except my DD was 6 when DH and I got married. DD had my maiden name and FI was 100% supportive of me keeping my last name the same as DD''s. We had two boys together and they were given DH''s last name. DD informally took DH''s name around 3rd grade and in 5th grade, DH legally adopted her, so we moved her last name (my maiden name) to her middle name (so she now has two middle names) and she legally took DH''s last name (new birth certificate, new s/s card, the works). I did the same and I love that DD and I both have our "old" last names as our 2nd middle names! Confused? lol

From a kid perspective, I know DD has never felt left out because her last name was different than her brothers, but I did keep my maiden name until the adoption was finalized. She chose on her own to use DH''s last name at school, and it was because she loves him so much, she wanted everyone to know she was a "C" family member.

 

[Bunny007]

What if your son took his dad's last name as his middle and your maiden name as his last? A variety on what you mentioned. I've never heard of it but you know, you could shake things up. That way he can identify with you both but still carry your name.

ETA: My comment didn't make much sense- I'm sure your son HAS a middle name. Sorry, too much happy hour over here

 

[ladypirate]

FI and I are both hyphenating to MyLast-HisLast. I really love the idea that we''re going to be the MyLast-HisLasts and I think he''s actually gotten excited over it as well. We both have long first names, but you know what? Worth it. All 30 some letters of it.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don''t have any useful experience to add, since the name I was given when I was born is the name that will go on my gravestone, but If I really had to change it? I actually kinda like the Ms SpongeBob option. That made me laugh!

Jen

 

[Scorpioanne]

I am in the same situation as you, I have a son and my DH has 2 kids. I have also gotten 2 degrees in my maiden name (my son has my maiden name as when his dad remarried he changed his name to his wife''s name so my son had no parents with the same last name as him so I changed his name to mine) and have an article published in my name. I kept my middle name and have a double barrelled last name no hyphen. I figure there are more options that way and I''ll answer to just about anything.

For people who don''t get it, alphabetising can sometimes be a challenge but I really like my last name and the rhythm of it. Luckily I have a one syllable first name and last last name.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I thought I would chime in. I''ve seen several cases of hyphenating with mixed results.

One of my close cousin''s was married about 9 years ago and hyphenated becoming Mrs. Beautiful-Family. They had a son who was named Joe Beautiful-Family. Joe is now 7 and about a year ago declared his undying love for a girl in his first grade class, Jennifer Loving-Union. My cousin spit out her coke when someone pointed out that Dear Jennifer was going to have to choose between becoming Jennifer Beautiful-Family or hyphenating to Jennifer Loving-Union-Beautiful-Family! I don''t even think that will FIT on a US Passport or a DL!

I also have a college friend who has been married for 10 years at least and she hyphenated to Emily Jones-Smith while all her kids are Boy Smith, Girl Smith and Baby Smith. Emily is a teacher and has always used only her maiden name at work, but now that Boy attends her school, he freaked out when a child in class called Mommy by a different name than him and he doesn''t really know how to respond when kids ask him why Mommy doesn''t have the same name as him. Emily has always been Mrs. Smith socially. Next school year, she will go by Mrs. Smith as Boy Smith is still too young for the grown up conversation (he is one month shy of 6).

My other friend is also a teacher and hyphenated and they have kids and I''ve NEVER heard her bring the topic up even as an anecdote...it seems to work really great for her and her family. Their kids have the father''s name and she uses her maiden-married name on EVERYTHING!

Lastly, I never considered not taking DH''s name. I actually WANTED to have the same last name as his and most importantly, the same last name as his kids to avoid all the school issues over differing last names (before I changed my name, I was on a list of people allowed to pick them up and I always had to show ID, now I am listed as a custodial parent and can authorize others to pick up our kids) and most importantly for us, immigration hassles when I would try to travel with the kids to meet my husband overseas. I always had to carry a notarized letter of consent by DH to take the kids out of the country for each specific trip as well as a copy of the custody decree and even then I knew to allow time for inspections. Now I only carry the custody decree but have yet to be asked for it since our passports all have the same name.

I think it would have been much harder for me if I was in a very distinguished professional field (medicine, law, engineering, etc.) or if I was published or had multiple degrees in my name, but I have a pretty typical corporate job and I don''t publish anything other than FB and my blog!

Wow...I wrote ALOT! Sorry! Just wanted to throw some other POVs out there!

 

[Winks_Elf]

My son is the only U. growing up in a household full of S.''s, and he''s fine with it. When he''s of legal age, he will have the choice of keeping the last name he was given at birth, taking my maiden name (I was newly divorced when he was born, and his last name is my first married last name, not his biological father''s), his biological father''s, or my husband''s. The only way your son would feel alienated is if you and your future husband make him feel that way.

My husband has been my oldest''s "dad" since he was 15 months old.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 6/23/2010 10:13:15 AM
Author: RaiKai
I grew up in a household with a different last name than my mother and my stepfather, and even some of my siblings. I still felt like a family and never felt ''alienated'' due to having a different last name. There is more to family than that (which is why the decision to change one''s last name is always very personal!) and I certainly was a lot closer to the side of the family I did NOT share a last name with then the one I did.

Ditto.

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

Hey Mrs. SE! I just did this last week (and I''m also in Missouri!) so this might help. I dropped my middle name, took my maiden name as my middle name and took my husband''s last name. Go to the Social Security office first (you''ll need marriage license, driver''s license and possibly your birth certificate). I changed my name there, then went to the license office. Your LEGAL name is what is on your social security card. Missouri state documents must match what is on your social security card. You''ll get a temporary form from social security with your new name stated on it, be sure to bring that with you when you go to your license office along with your birth certificate and marriage license and you should be set.