My Sister is in an abusive relationship! Advice?

[mia1181]

Okay this is nothing new... it''s actually her second abusive relationship in a row. Our whole family has tried to convince her to leave, but no luck. She herself will admit he is abusive but the next day she is defending him.

I know there is nothing I can do about it and SHE is going to have to decide for herself, but it is starting to get really scary!

Quick background..... So she said a while ago that the only reason she is with him is because she needed him to drive her to work because her car broke down. I lent her $300 to put a deposit down on an apartment so that she could live walking distance to work and not have to depend on him. She took the money even after I explained to her the reason I was giving it to her was because I wanted her to leave him. Of course, she didn''t. Then she moved in with my other sister so that she could put her rent money into a car instead. My other sister allowed her to live with her but he isn''t allowed over. She was able to save up for a car and sent me an email telling me how things were getting better in her life and she finally bought a car. I wrote back that I was happy for her for getting a car. This was her exact response:


"Yeah…. things are okay I did have a wonderful windshield and a wonderful cd player that came with it….. but someone broke both of them 3 days after I got the car. I hate him so much. He wont leave me alone. I feel like the dumbest girl in the world…….."

I don''t even know how to respond....

Any advice? Anyone been through this before?

 

[JulieN]

restraining order?

 

[Haven]

So, your sister''s boyfriend broke her windshield and her cd player?

It sounds like your sister is incapable of making good choices. I would find professional help for her immediately. If she refuses to go herself, I''d stage an intervention.

Good luck.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/3/2008 1:43:56 PM
Author: Haven
So, your sister''s boyfriend broke her windshield and her cd player?


It sounds like your sister is incapable of making good choices. I would find professional help for her immediately. If she refuses to go herself, I''d stage an intervention.


Good luck.

yeah I''d agree. He sounds like he could be dangerous.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

The hardest thing about abusive relationships are that often times the abusee becomes codependant on the absuer. Be it alcoholism, or drug abuse, or physical abuse, when the one with the physical problem is emotionally involved with another person, more often than not the other person becomes just as sick.

It sounds like your sister is very caught in a vicious cycle. She clearly loves this guy--faults and all...but, she knows he''s poison. Sadly, there nothing anyone can do. You can turn every mirror, and make her face herself every time he fouls up...but until she is willing to look in those mirrors, you''re fighting a losing battle.

I''m so sorry your sister is hurting...and I''m sorry you have to be involved in such a helpless way...but, I think that you need to draw a hard line in the sand.

Giving her money is enabling the situation...she is trying to patch holes in her life with material things--like a car...but it will never work. Sometimes really helping mean pulling back...and offering emotional support instead of money, or things. If your sister has house rules, then you should back them up--and maybe suggest she makes news ones--like if your one sister wants to continue staying there, she cannot see him...It probably sounds cruel, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

Best of luck.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Normally I would be for pressing charges, but a response is exactly what he wants and cutting him off completely is the best option here. I hope she filed the insurance claim so she can get the car repair and move on.

Does she realize that she''s co-dependent? If so, I hope she is open to some counseling. I''ve also heard great things about the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. If she''s not completely aware of why she can''t extract herself from the cycle of bad relationships the book may help open her eyes.

It sounds like she''s on the right track by cutting off all ties and trying to focus on her own life. It sounds like you and your sister are a great network of support for her.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/3/2008 1:38:34 PM
Author: JulieN
restraining order?

Yeah I know, but she has already had one out on her last boyfriend and then she still "violated" it by choosing to see him anyway. She''s a mess and as sad as it is, I get frustrated even talking to her about it. It''s like I''ve learned that she never listens to me anyway. But this is soo scary.... I don''t even want to THINK about what he could do to her if he can break a windshield... That is beyond scarey!

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/3/2008 1:43:56 PM
Author: Haven
So, your sister''s boyfriend broke her windshield and her cd player?

It sounds like your sister is incapable of making good choices. I would find professional help for her immediately. If she refuses to go herself, I''d stage an intervention.

Good luck.

Hmmm... good point... I actually thought about an intervention, I watch the show on TV a lot and it seems like a good way to get someone help. It''s hard for me because I am across the country from all of this. But I also wonder if she''d just pick him.... and then she''d really be dependent on him, ya know?

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/3/2008 2:21:39 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
The hardest thing about abusive relationships are that often times the abusee becomes codependant on the absuer. Be it alcoholism, or drug abuse, or physical abuse, when the one with the physical problem is emotionally involved with another person, more often than not the other person becomes just as sick.

It sounds like your sister is very caught in a vicious cycle. She clearly loves this guy--faults and all...but, she knows he''s poison. Sadly, there nothing anyone can do. You can turn every mirror, and make her face herself every time he fouls up...but until she is willing to look in those mirrors, you''re fighting a losing battle.

I''m so sorry your sister is hurting...and I''m sorry you have to be involved in such a helpless way...but, I think that you need to draw a hard line in the sand.

Giving her money is enabling the situation...she is trying to patch holes in her life with material things--like a car...but it will never work. Sometimes really helping mean pulling back...and offering emotional support instead of money, or things. If your sister has house rules, then you should back them up--and maybe suggest she makes news ones--like if your one sister wants to continue staying there, she cannot see him...It probably sounds cruel, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

Best of luck.

Thanks for the advice Italia, but I guess my offering money was to help her break her dependence on him. Likewise, she thought if she had a car she would be more independent (it''s not a new or fancy car just a car to get to work). My concern in having my other sister cut her off is that then she will really be dependent on him. She will obviously have to turn to him for a place to stay etc. But is that how it usually works? I mean I know it''s a decision she needs to make for herself, no matter what we say or think....

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/3/2008 3:25:33 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

It sounds like she''s on the right track by cutting off all ties and trying to focus on her own life.

I sure hope so, but unfortunately it seems she goes back and forth on this.....

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Mia, telling her she cannot continue to live in your sisters house and still see him isn''t "cutting her off"...it''s letting her know that his behavior will not influence your lives any longer. If she chooses him over you, then she''s cutting herself off...you, on the other hand, have offered her a completely safe haven if she agrees to make a break for it. You''re not making the decision for her, but you''re also not enabling her to only get one foot out the door.

I suggest drawing a line in the sand...it may be hard--but this guy is poison, and as long as she can have the best of both worlds, she will.

Clearly he has problems--violence seems to be one of them. She needs to be rid of him...and if she''s not strong enough to break ties, then it falls to you and your sister to step in, take her hand, and show her the way.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/3/2008 7:50:09 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Mia, telling her she cannot continue to live in your sisters house and still see him isn''t ''cutting her off''...it''s letting her know that his behavior will not influence your lives any longer. If she chooses him over you, then she''s cutting herself off...you, on the other hand, have offered her a completely safe haven if she agrees to make a break for it. You''re not making the decision for her, but you''re also not enabling her to only get one foot out the door.

I suggest drawing a line in the sand...it may be hard--but this guy is poison, and as long as she can have the best of both worlds, she will.

Clearly he has problems--violence seems to be one of them. She needs to be rid of him...and if she''s not strong enough to break ties, then it falls to you and your sister to step in, take her hand, and show her the way.

+10000000000

she''s the one with the problem and making the choices and she''s the one that has to solve the problem by making other choices. she admits she has a history of abusive relationships. she''s not hurting enough.....yet. one day she will. but that day will be delayed as long as family is codependent with her. its a vicious cycle that can only be broken as each participant removes themself from the game. if she can''t abide by house rules in order to have a safe place to live, that''s her choice to live with. she obviously needs counseling. there are groups for women in her situation to work together to find for themselves why they''re in these relationships and how to break the cycle. see if you can find one and don''t accept excuses for her not going. it should be a condition of having a place to live.

movie zombie

 

[strmrdr]

sometimes all you can do is wait until they hit bottom and decide to move up.
Until the point she decides to move up there isn''t anything you can do that will work.

 

[dragonfly411]

100% in agreement with Strm

 

[AmberGretchen]

I have to say actually, that I think this is a more dangerous situation, or at least has the potential to be, than would warrant leaving it alone.

I won''t name names out of respect, but I was blessed to know a lovely lady who was in an abusive relationship that I never knew about. I found out when I saw a news story about her murder at the hands of her abusive husband, who she had a restraining order and divorce papers out on, but who nonetheless managed to brutally murder her. And she was trying actively to avoid him.

I''m not saying this is what will happen to your sister (I fervently hope it doesn''t), but it is a realistic possibility that you should all be aware of, and I would try to get her as far away from him as humanly possible, and protect all family members that he could possibly try to retaliate against to get to her.