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My Potential MOH Can''t Make the Tentative Wedding Date

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piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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I haven’t posted about my upcoming nuptial plans since we really hadn’t formed *any* plans in the 8 months we''ve been engaged so far. But last weekend we took a trip to New Orleans, and found a place that will be perfect. We''re picking a date in either October or November of this year.

So I start calling the closest friends to find out if they have any travel preferences or conflicts in those months, and surprise! My friend, who I was considering asking to be my MOH (and who I’ve taken a road trip to NO with) listens to me, congratulates me and then says, well...she has news of her own. She''s pregnant and expecting in September. YAY! and *sigh*

So I’m just venting here...I''m upset that I’m sad that she won’t be able to make it. She had a rough time with her first child, and won’t consider traveling with (or without) a 2 month old. Which is completely sound and rational...but I’m sad she won’t be there. I am especially sad since I had nearly figured out that of my 4 closest friends, that she would have been the one that I would have asked to be my MOH. She was hoping for a spring date...but we don’t think we can pull that off. Should I be considering that?

In the end we might have something in California to celebrate with other family members who I assume won’t be able to make it, which she should be able to go to…or she offered to come out here before she can’t travel anymore. Which is great! But… whaa, whaa, whaa, poor me! Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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Oct 18, 2005
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7,074
I'm sorry this is happening!

I don't know if it's an option for you, but we went into a lot of trouble making sure my MOH could attend when we chose our date. My MOH is my twin sister, so her not attending wasn't an option... and she was planning on being in Australia for an exchange during the fall we wanted to get married!
I had her check dates for school breaks and stuff for a time she could fly back for a week. I was going to pay a part of the travel expenses, etc. Fortunately now she's more likely to be going to Switzerland and she'll be back 2-3 months before the wedding.

So... do you think an early summer wedding is possible for you? Some girls here plan their weddings pretty quickly... Just a thought!
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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Anchor, thanks! I would consider that, but changing from Oct/Nov to summer either puts us in incredibly uncomfortable New Orleans heat/humidity, or forces us to reevaluate another location...either in New Orleans or I suppose in our home town of Atlanta (which also has the same unbearably hot summer weather). I really would like a wedding outdoors, so...summer is pretty much out. And she has mentioned that she''s not one to travel with the little ones until they''re >1 yr old...which I will not wait for.

So I think I just need to plan without her. Which reminds me of the sadness. Blech.
 

FacetFire

Brilliant_Rock
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So, if you were to wait till Spring 2008, she still wouldn''t travel? One of my friends, who I am going to be a BM in her wedding, is expecting in September, and we''re planning for Spring 2008, in part so she can be there...
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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FF, yeah, she said she won''t travel until the child is over 1 year old...so I guess that would put me at a Sept 08 wedding...which is just too far in the future for me.

And the earliest I could get her to travel before she delivers would be around June 07...which is a tough month weather-wise...and perhaps even finding a venue that quickly.
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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342
Gosh, re-reading that...am I a brat? I just kept reading "me, me, me"

And another detail I didn't mention, I officiated her non-traditional wedding 5 years ago.
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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7,074
I don''t think you''re being selfish... I understand how you don''t want to wait too long. A long engagement can be pretty frustrating sometimes! Her having a baby is not something you can control... Maybe you can talk to her and find some kind of understanding?
 

FacetFire

Brilliant_Rock
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Honestly, I don''t think it''s you that is being selfish here. You obviously are important to each other. Having a wedding before she delivers sounds too quick, IMO. There is a lot to do. And setting a 1 yr old child rule to travel again is very arbitrary. An 8 month old travels so much worse than a 1 yr old? My friend''s child will be 8 months at the time of our wedding, and I know it won''t be easy for her to travel, but I''m going to make sure I set up a babysitter and everything at this end so they can enjoy themselves. Frankly, I would think they would look forward to it after all the baby stuff. She can''t expect you to plan your wedding around her. I guess I''m surprised at her attitude a little. You officiated their wedding, and she''s considering not even coming to yours unless you do it her way? I don''t know...I might be a little irritated if I were you...but maybe I''m unreasonable...I don''t know...I only have a couple friends with children so far...
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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She was upset she wouldn''t make it, but wasn''t asking me to change the date. That''s my own machinations trying to find a way she can be there and I can keep my plans.

I guess I''m either upset that I won''t change my plans or at fate for the bad timing of either of our plans...
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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Date: 1/31/2007 5:37:24 PM
Author: FacetFire
And setting a 1 yr old child rule to travel again is very arbitrary. An 8 month old travels so much worse than a 1 yr old?
Thanks FF...I personally think the 1 year rule is slightly arbitrary...but she''s speaking from experience from how tough her first year was with her first child...i think she wants to set low/realistic expectations and be pleasantly surprised if this one is easier than the last. In which case, maybe she decides later that traveling won''t be so bad.

Part of the reason she''s so weary of the first year is because she previously traveled with her then >1 yr old to her sister''s wedding in hawaii, and had a horrible horrible time (the baby was always fussy/cranky/needing to be on a schedule). While I might want to think (easy for a non-parent to say) she''s being a bit over-dramatic about it, I won''t change her mind (and I''m not really doubting it was terrible).
 

FacetFire

Brilliant_Rock
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But, you're trying to be flexible, within reason...and I guess for your sake, I just wish she'd be a bit more flexible too...that's why I mentioned spring 2008, I figured that might be a compromise for you both...

I hope it works out, I know how sad it can make you feel for someone important to miss your important day!

ETA, Hawaii is a different story...I wouldn't make that trip with any little one! That's a lot of time zones! How far would she have to travel for your wedding? Can you possibly have it any closer to where she is located?
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Is there anywhere you would have the wedding that is within a driving distance for her? If not, you will just have to have it without her and it will be okay!!! I know it''s disappointing, but trust me, even a wedding will become a distant memory in a few years.
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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Thanks FG and FF...she''s in CA, I''m in GA, and we''re having the wedding in LA :) So to have it closer to her would mean really shifting gears. I was considering having some kind of CA dinner/family thing for any other folks who couldn''t make it from NOLA...so this just means I am more likely to make that dinner happen and to keep my first idea for the NOLA wedding.

I think this is just a case where nobody can help it. I know folks won''t be able to make it (and I''ve been so blase about saying that I won''t mind when folks decline)...but I just didn''t think it would end up being one of my core folks who couldn''t make it!

And unfortunately, this opens up the question of who I''ll ask to be my MOH...the remaining 3 folks I was considering are neck and neck, and my other friend had made that choice slightly easier to make. What criteria did y''all use to figure out who was the ''most'' special?
 

indecisive

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2005
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I am so sorry you are in this situation. Can I just say though, I am so jealous that you are getting married in NOLA! FI and I love it there and wish we could get married there but it would be too tough with our families. What venue are you going to use?
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
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Indecisive...thanks! We''re looking at booking the Maison Dupuy, and having both the ceremony and reception in the courtyard. There''s still so much that needs to be done there after Katrina, and I wanted to give the city as much $$ as I can by having visitors travel and spend $$ in the city! Hopefully most will be receptive to traveling there...
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2006
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7,485
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think your friend is either. Arbitrary or not, if she feels strongly about not traveling with children until they are 1, that's her right and selfish just doesn't seem to sum her up in my mind, if she was I don't think it would be such a priority to have her as the MOH (and as a frequent traveler, I appreciate her!).

It sounds like you've amde up your mind. I hope you choose to have celebration in CA as well, as it sounds like there are a lot people who are important in your life that live there and won't be able to make it.
 

indecisive

Brilliant_Rock
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That is going to be gorgeous!! I would so go to a NOLA wedding
. My FBIL was there for New Years and someone was having a wedding and they paid for police escorts so the wedding party and guests could parade through the streets. Pretty crazy. I think the courtyard sounds great though. Are you going to have local food for your reception?
 

piccolascimmia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2006
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342
Yeah, I''m not looking for a crazy party wedding, but NOLA has the potential to be crazy even if you just shoot for a calm one :) When I picked this place, I was looking for a place that was pretty much turn key...the only things they CANT arrange for me are photos, dress and I think flowers. Everything else is included in the price! I''m not a super picky bride to be....my main thing is convenience!

I''ve also joked around that we''ll have a little 2nd line/parade for our wedding too...but I won''t put much effort into planning one...we''ll see if it happens on its own
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 1/31/2007 7:20:57 PM
Author: piccolascimmia
And unfortunately, this opens up the question of who I''ll ask to be my MOH...the remaining 3 folks I was considering are neck and neck, and my other friend had made that choice slightly easier to make. What criteria did y''all use to figure out who was the ''most'' special?
Hmmmmm........barring the your first choice since she can''t make it...

Who would I call for help if I needed it in the middle of the night?
Who will be most excited for me and who will be most organized in terms of bridal party duties?
Who would most be able to handle the extra responsibility?
 
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