My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[Imdanny]

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

fwiw, I think you responded the right way.

I think you got a lot of good advice and the parts I agree with are:

1. I wouldn't say anything negative about her to him.

2. I wouldn't mention (e.g. in an invite or card or what have you) him without saying "both."

3. I would back away (as it seems you've done) and let your son think about the implications of his new wife having accused you of faking an illness and of lying about it (demanding one more apology seems like too much, from them, I mean seriously, how much more obvious of a 'control' issue is it to demand an apology or say they're not coming).

The one thing I would not do is indulge this woman's bad behavior. She's already unfairly and absurdly accused you of faking and lying about being sick (and in doing so at least attempted to drive a wedge between you and your son, whether she was aware she was doing that or not) and now they want to make make demands.

Yes, "...and we'll talk later in the year." is exactly what I think you should have said.

 

[LGK]

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

fwiw, I think you responded the right way.

I think you got a lot of good advice and the parts I agree with are:

1. I wouldn't say anything negative about her to him.

2. I wouldn't mention (e.g. in an invite or card or what have you) him without saying "both."

3. I would back away (as it seems you've done) and let your son think about the implications of his new wife having accused you of faking an illness and of lying about it (demanding one more apology seems like too much, from them, I mean seriously, how much more obvious of a 'control' issue is it to demand an apology or say they're not coming).

The one thing I would not do is indulge this woman's bad behavior. She's already unfairly and absurdly accused you of faking and lying about being sick (and in doing so at least attempted to drive a wedge between you and your son, whether she was aware she was doing that or not) and now they want to make make demands.

Yes, "...and we'll talk later in the year." is exactly what I think you should have said.

Yeah. I think you handled that fabulously passive aggressive text very gracefully and choosing to spend thanksgiving apart is a very good call. And no, I don't think they needed a seventh apology! Good lord.

The food thing? Creepy. For real. And yes. I'm *sure* you wore heels just to make her uncomfortable. WTF??? That's just bizarre.

I hope this all has a happy ending and you can all laugh about it in ten years. I'm guessing that's not so likely though.

 

[Cehrabehra]

iLander - I just want to say something totally off topic to you... this thread could feel like you're being flamed left and right for being imperfect or saying the wrong thing here or there and I want to reassure you that however uncomfortable it feels right now, this is rather normal online experience. When you get opinions from 20 people who often post more than once, sometimes conflicting things, mulling, musing aloud, people arguing amongst themselves, pointing fingers are various people in the story (you, your son, your dil, your husband, your daughter) and analyzing in hindsight what should have been said or could have been said or why what was said was so wrong or so right and what should be said or done in the future.... all of that can feel like a heavy weight of "oh man the op deserves whatever she gets".

But in reality, we think these things transiently... then move on to something else. However sincere all of our differing opinions are, you are the one who has to live with the reality of these choices, these decisions, these people. Take it all with a grain of salt and when in doubt seek a professional opinion. What you are dealing with her is way too important to risk. But please don't feel the world coming down on you here... we support you and the tough choices you have to make. Relationships take two people and you should not have to deal with it all on your end. Don ye olde flame suit and bask in the glory of all of us posters who want nothing but the best for you, however flawed we may be in presenting that to you

 

[Asu]

iLander,I talked to my MIL about your situation this morning,and while she agree that this girl sound strange,and that is probably not someone she would have liked for her son either,she also said that she thinks that for the mothers of the guys,letting go of their children to another woman is more difficult than it is when involve a daughter,because even if unwanted and often not even knowing it,wpmen tend to put themselves one against the other,so there is always competition.Any problems they have,you need to let them resolve it by themselves,and never ever talk about her in negative way to him.let them be.Whetever it happens between them,in the long run he will be grateful to you for respecting his choises,and she will probably be to,one day.

 

[Prana]

OK, after that last tidbit of info (about the whispering), I think it's safe to say that there is definitely something off with this woman. Whether it be a personality disorder, autism, social awkwardness, paranoia or just being a manipulative person, somethin' ain't right. I think you were right not to apologize this last time, and I don't think that you should apologize for anything anymore, you've already apologized for the sickness incident, and that was what seemed to bring this whole thing about.

This girl will eventually isolate her husband, your son, from EVERYBODY. Eventually they won't have any friends (other than her friends, if she even has any), and her family. Hopefully your son is a strong enough man to realize what is happening, and all you can do is continue to be supportive of HIM, and never say anything negative about her, because it will isolate him from you even quicker.

And just wondering, is there any sort of cultural differences? Is she the same nationality as you and your son/family? Could this have anything to do with her behaviour?

 

[iLander]

OK, after that last tidbit of info (about the whispering), I think it's safe to say that there is definitely something off with this woman. Whether it be a personality disorder, autism, social awkwardness, paranoia or just being a manipulative person, somethin' ain't right. I think you were right not to apologize this last time, and I don't think that you should apologize for anything anymore, you've already apologized for the sickness incident, and that was what seemed to bring this whole thing about.

This girl will eventually isolate her husband, your son, from EVERYBODY. Eventually they won't have any friends (other than her friends, if she even has any), and her family. Hopefully your son is a strong enough man to realize what is happening, and all you can do is continue to be supportive of HIM, and never say anything negative about her, because it will isolate him from you even quicker.

And just wondering, is there any sort of cultural differences? Is she the same nationality as you and your son/family? Could this have anything to do with her behaviour?

No, we're all WASPs. Does an odd religion count? I believe in TOTALLY accepting other people's religions, I think we all speak to the same God, he/she just has different names.

She was raised way right fundamental Christian. WAY right, as in faith healing, tent revivals and speaking in tongues. I kid you not. I asked her about it ("oh, that's interesting, what was that like?"), only because she brought it up one day, and she says she's not into that anymore. Her mom's prayer at the wedding was pretty odd though. Her mom is still into it. . .

I agree, I she wants to separate him from us. My DH and I have agreed to be polite and sweet as honey, just to try to hold on to our son. She's already talked down his friends to the point where he suddenly thinks they're "immature" and he doesn't see them anymore.

 

[iLander]

iLander,I talked to my MIL about your situation this morning,and while she agree that this girl sound strange,and that is probably not someone she would have liked for her son either,she also said that she thinks that for the mothers of the guys,letting go of their children to another woman is more difficult than it is when involve a daughter,because even if unwanted and often not even knowing it,wpmen tend to put themselves one against the other,so there is always competition.Any problems they have,you need to let them resolve it by themselves,and never ever talk about her in negative way to him.let them be.Whetever it happens between them,in the long run he will be grateful to you for respecting his choises,and she will probably be to,one day.

Don't worry, I know. My MIL was like that. I am well aware that the Chinese symbol for "trouble" shows 2 women under one roof.

 

[redfaerythinker]

To be frank... this whole thread is a waste of time. You've obviously decided that you hate her. She's apparently decided that she hates you. If you wanted people to throw you a pity party, i'm pretty sure you came to the wrong forum.

All that said, I wish you luck, because as it stands now, you're stuck with her... crazy or not.

 

[dragonfly411]

Redfaery - Really?

 

[meresal]

[quote="iLander|1289918455|2768223I agree, I she wants to separate him from us. My DH and I have agreed to be polite and sweet as honey, just to try to hold on to our son. She's already talked down his friends to the point where he suddenly thinks they're "immature" and he doesn't see them anymore.[/quote]

Ilander, in all honesty... I think a bit of separation from the family is healthy for a new marriage.

It also helps the wife to feel like hse is creating her own family, as opposed to just joining his. Did she relocate to be with your son? As in, I realize they live close to you, does her family live in another city?
This is how my DH and I are, and I inititally was very standoffish to MIL's advances. I felt like I was getting lost in his family dynamic as opposed to my DH and I creating our own new one.

Though a bit ridiculous, I don't think the text they sent was passive aggressive, since they said exactly what they wanted; I think your reply was perfect. Let them decide what they need to make their marriage happy, and they will make their way back to you. You can go from there figuring out how to *hopefully* have a working relationship with DIL.

I hope everything works out.

ETA:
Just wanted to add that my brother was in a relationship with a bat sh*t crazy woman. She even lied and said she was the niece of our state governor. Which my sister found out was false, when she sat next to the gov on a plane and introducded herself as said sister of boyfriend of his niece. We didn't see him but maybe once a year for the whole 8 years they were married. She thought we were crazy, we KNEW she was crazy. They eventually broke up and now he is working his way back into the family. I understand that some women are just crazy. I hope you DIL is not one of these.

 

[JewelFreak]

This girl will eventually isolate her husband, your son, from EVERYBODY. Eventually they won't have any friends (other than her friends, if she even has any), and her family. Hopefully your son is a strong enough man to realize what is happening, and all you can do is continue to be supportive of HIM, and never say anything negative about her, because it will isolate him from you even quicker.

I agree, I she wants to separate him from us. My DH and I have agreed to be polite and sweet as honey, just to try to hold on to our son. She's already talked down his friends to the point where he suddenly thinks they're "immature" and he doesn't see them anymore.

Girlface has it on the money. And you too, iLander. I'm so sad this landed on you. The dinner comments both are ultimate icky & evidence of an extremely controlling girl. I'm sure that at home, your son deals with plenty of tears & pouts & "poor me's." Unfortunately he's still naive enough to fall for it. I'll bet he's the sort who wants to help those in need, which she picked out immediately & uses to manipulate a nice, giving guy -- but as time goes on & he advances at work, gets more life experience, sees how other people live, perhaps the bloom will go off the rose.

You can be there then & in the meantime not show a molecule of disapproval, in fact, bend over backward the other direction, even when alone with him. That will be immensely hard. Wish I could hold your hand through it.

--- Laurie

 

[Aoife]

I'm with JewelFreak. As you've posted more and more details, iLander, the missing context has presented an extremely familiar pattern. And if someone hasn't experienced this kind of person in his/her life before, it's really hard to believe that this kind of manipulation exists. I've been thinking about you, and about this thread a lot, because I've been puzzled at the hostility of some of the responses. I do think there's a lot of projection going on, and some of it also seems to break down along age lines. We all definitely seem to be bringing our own baggage and projecting it on to your situation.

I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts. There is something about this young woman, and her interactions with you, your family, and your son, which seems "off" to you. You've given some specifics, and those are eye-brow raising enough, but I'm also sure that there is a whole subtext there that you are feeling, but may not be so easy to post in a coherent way on a MB. You've got to trust not just what you hear and see, but also the "vibe." I'm also going to add that there is something about the whole putting food on your son's plate and insisting he eat it that reads a bit to me like a BDSM relationship. I hesitated to put that out there, but it certainly could complicate what is already a very difficult dynamic.

Good luck, I really feel for you and your whole family.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

Okay, this whole thing makes me sad, but it's been bugging me, so I want some advice:

So my son and his fiance decide to have a small wedding, only a dozen people. It's all very beautiful, etc. About an hour into the reception, I start to feel faint. Then I realize I need to find a bathroom and FAST! I'm vomiting and well, there's diarhhea. I realize after a horrible 30 minutes in the bathroom, that I can't stand upright. I am absolutely wrung out, I can't walk, I feel WAY worse than I ever have after vomiting. I sit in a chair and can't make it anywhere on my own. I'm away from the wedding party, and thank god, because I am so embarressed and feel awful. Eventually security finds me, and my DH (who has been with me the whole time, except for the bathroom) says it's time to go home. I am crushed at having to leave my son's wedding, but I feel too weak to talk much. I am CRUSHED

I am in a wheelchair brought by security, the new couple come outside to say goodbye (I am barely holding it together, since people at the restaurant are staring at me), I apologize profusely, and we drive home, me sobbing because this is all just so horrible. I have wracking chills for 3 hours after I get home. The next day, I still can't walk, and the weakness is incredible for three whole days.

We don't hear from the couple for almost a month, and we're thinking "honeymooners". We've texted how sorry I am, but no questions from them about how I feel, etc. But in a phone call, my son let's it slip that she thinks I was faking my illness. That she thinks I'm an "attention ho" (direct quote) just trying to shift the spotlight from her at her wedding.

She thinks I'm some kind of MONSTER. Who would possibly want to fake a sickness like that I was SO looking forward to this!

They are both coming over today, for the first time since the wedding. What do I say to her?

My DD, who witnessed this whole thing, including the bathroom, wants to beat her up!

I'm just so sad that she would think so poorly of me . . .

I didn't read this whole thread, sorry if there are others who might have said this already but, I don't think YOU are the one that has the 'attention ho' issue..among other things.

I am sorry that you had to experience that and anything following the issue but know that you OBVIOUSLY didn't do anything wrong!! Poor thing, that must have and still must be horrible for you. Hugs.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

I agree. Sorry...but, yes, something else has been going on prior to the situation you described. Often we don't think much of the little things as they occur, but over time they do add up. My MIL and I do not get along and over the last few months, I've been taking more time thinking back upon conversations and little comments she's made and it's obvious she's never liked me! She's just "liked" me when it's served her needs.

I have NO idea what your exact situation is, but really do think there is a lot more to you/your DIL's history that led up to this.

ETA - I wanted to add that I only read the first page of this thread - I didn't realize it's 6 pages long, so I probably missed some important details. Sorry if that is the case!

 

[dragonfly411]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

I agree. Sorry...but, yes, something else has been going on prior to the situation you described. Often we don't think much of the little things as they occur, but over time they do add up. My MIL and I do not get along and over the last few months, I've been taking more time thinking back upon conversations and little comments she's made and it's obvious she's never liked me! She's just "liked" me when it's served her needs.

I have NO idea what your exact situation is, but really do think there is a lot more to you/your DIL's history that led up to this.

ETA - I wanted to add that I only read the first page of this thread - I didn't realize it's 6 pages long, so I probably missed some important details. Sorry if that is the case!

MC - I'd like to add that anyone with this thought should also keep an open mind to it being the other way around. Perhaps the DIL is the one harboring the "like" when it is convenient attitude. I still just cannot justify calling Ilander a liar for being sick.

 

[Autumnovember]

To be frank... this whole thread is a waste of time. You've obviously decided that you hate her. She's apparently decided that she hates you. If you wanted people to throw you a pity party, i'm pretty sure you came to the wrong forum.

All that said, I wish you luck, because as it stands now, you're stuck with her... crazy or not.

Ridiculous much?

God knows I don't say the nicest things sometimes when I get heated about a topic but come on.....saying this whole thread is waste?

 

[Autumnovember]

The tighter you hold onto him, the harder she is going to pull.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

I agree. Sorry...but, yes, something else has been going on prior to the situation you described. Often we don't think much of the little things as they occur, but over time they do add up. My MIL and I do not get along and over the last few months, I've been taking more time thinking back upon conversations and little comments she's made and it's obvious she's never liked me! She's just "liked" me when it's served her needs.

I have NO idea what your exact situation is, but really do think there is a lot more to you/your DIL's history that led up to this.

ETA - I wanted to add that I only read the first page of this thread - I didn't realize it's 6 pages long, so I probably missed some important details. Sorry if that is the case!

MC - I'd like to add that anyone with this thought should also keep an open mind to it being the other way around. Perhaps the DIL is the one harboring the "like" when it is convenient attitude. I still just cannot justify calling Ilander a liar for being sick.

I just read many and skimmed some of the posts. Personally, I would avoid any sort of conflict/confrontation with the son and/or DIL because nothing will get solved. If the DIL has issues/perceptions that you haven't been able to entirely pin-point, then any more controversial conversation could lead to yet MORE crap, misinterpretation, etc., and extend all the hostility.

 

[Amys Bling]

The tighter you hold onto him, the harder she is going to pull.

Agreed. It's a tough thing to go through, I imagine. Seems like she is an "attentive *hore". Direct quote from me.

First of all- I am alittle shocked you son told you her direct quote. A simple- she thought you were seeking attention would have sufficed!

I think she wants your son all to herself. She clearly has control over him, and any children they have in the future. Unfortunately, it looks like you have to play into her "world" in order to prevent something worse- like only seeing the grandchildren every few months

Maybe she feels threatened by your relationship with your son- and has kinda been pulling him and herself away from you guys. Whatever it is, she seems controlling and one thing people in controlling relationship end up with are no friends or family of there own. Let's not let that happen! Wish I would tell you how...

 

[somethingshiny]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

 

[afreebird]

I just feel bad for your son that he married a chick who can't suck it up and play nice with his family during get-togethers. To me, part of showing respect and love for my husband means never putting him in an awkward situation with his family. That's extremely easy for me, though, because I love his mom and dad. It would be different if they were nutjobs, but even then, they would still be the parents of the man I love. And he does the the same for me with my wackadoodle family. Bottom line, he and I are on the same team. I don't know why your daughter-in-law would want to cause such stress for your son. The undiplomatic part of me would want to tell her not to let the doorknob hit her in the a** on the way out the door, but then your son would just pay the piper when they got home.

I hope your Thanksgiving holidays are peaceful and drama-free. Give them their space bide your time. If she's just immature or going through a rough time at work or some other unknown issue, she'll come around and want to make life less stressful for your son. If she's just plain nuts, he'll figure it out soon enough and come around on his own. Hopefully they're practicing birth control in the meantime.

 

[iLander]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

 

[Autumnovember]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

Im confused a bit by this as well, could you elaborate on how she may come to this kind of conclusion?

 

[iLander]

Caharabehra, NatyLad, packrat, aolfe, jewelfreak, LGK, blue iris,

You all seem to have your own scary stories of odd relatives. (for those of you just coming in, page 3 has a lot of these stories, but they are throughout the thread) I want to send you my deepest sympathy and heartfelt best wishes. Your stories clarified a lot of her weird moments for me; I think she might be controlling . . .or some other form of crazy . . .

How did your stories go? How did they end? Any happy endings? Anything you wished you had done differently? How do I handle this one?

Thanks, autumnovember, I am puzzled too. . .

 

[KimberlyH]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

SS may be on to something here. It sounds like you have been/are very involved in the lives of your children, and perhaps she sees it as too involved. Inappropriate can be interpreted several ways, I don't think SS is implying anything untoward is going on, just that your versions of what is normal are different.

 

[Autumnovember]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

SS may be on to something here. It sounds like you have been/are very involved in the lives of your children, and perhaps she sees it as too involved. Inappropriate can be interpreted several ways, I don't think SS is implying anything untoward is going on, just that your versions of what is normal are different.

I initially thought 'inappropriate' along other lines...but inappropriate as in too involved makes more sense.

 

[dragonfly411]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

SS may be on to something here. It sounds like you have been/are very involved in the lives of your children, and perhaps she sees it as too involved. Inappropriate can be interpreted several ways, I don't think SS is implying anything untoward is going on, just that your versions of what is normal are different.

I initially thought 'inappropriate' along other lines...but inappropriate as in too involved makes more sense.

Which could also go back to the DIL not having a very close relationship with her own family? Perhaps she finds it weird for family to be so close.

 

[sctsbride09]

Ilander, I have followed this thread from page 1, but have not posted because this subject hits a bit close to home for me to be able to give a truly outside opinion on the matter. However, I had to post because what Somethingshiny said actually made sense to me. I dont think she was implying anything sexual (good grief kind of stretching it dont you think?), just that sometimes from an outsiders perspective, things like telling your mother intimate details of a discussion you have had with your wife IS inappropriate. Doesnt have to be creepy to be inappropriate. It was totally wrong of your son to discuss details of a discussion with his wife, in the future if he begins to do so you may want to be the one to draw the line. Something like, "I dont think its right to hear intimate details of your families (ie he and wife) life" should do it. Since he clearly doesnt know where to draw bounderies, you may have to do so.

 

[elleaney]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

SS may be on to something here. It sounds like you have been/are very involved in the lives of your children, and perhaps she sees it as too involved. Inappropriate can be interpreted several ways, I don't think SS is implying anything untoward is going on, just that your versions of what is normal are different.

+ 1

 

[somethingshiny]

I have another thought on the matter. Maybe she thinks your relationship with your son is inappropriate in some way. I'm not saying it is, just trying to give you some ideas on where the foundation in this matter may be.

EXCUSE ME? What thread have you been reading?

Simmer down. I'm trying to HELP you. As I said, "I'm not saying it is," I'm just looking for unexplored paths here. My thought was perhaps she's trying to distance your son from you because she doesn't like your relationship with him in some way. Maybe you're too involved, too matriarchal, too sweet, too touchy, who knows? She very obviously doesn't like you. Just trying to figure out why.

Since I've offended you so badly (which was not my intention) I'll bow out of this thread now.