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My Mom''s diagnosis

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labbielove

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We found out this week that my dear mother has terminal stomach cancer.
It has spread to her liver and throughout her abdomen. She is 79yo and the most lively and energetic (before this) person I know. 3 weeks ago she was line dancing in a variety show.
She is comfortable, lucid, and very accepting of her diagnosis. Her grace and strength are beyond measure.

The doctors told her 3-6 months, but she has gotten so much worse in the past week that none of us can see that being a reality. Right now we''re waiting for a minor procedure to be done and then she''ll go to transitional care, then hopefully back home with a visiting nurse (she''s in an apartment in a senior community) or to a nursing home.

I am so torn up right now I can''t think straight. Everyone is asking what we are going to do about the wedding (Sept 22)and I can''t even answer. Even if we moved it up my mom would not be able to participate, not to mention we want to focus on her right now. She wants us to keep our plans, but seriously- what do I do?
I am of the belief that no matter what, she is with me, whether it is in body or spirit. I know she feels the same. My heart says to keep the date, but my head just can''t handle the remaining planning and everything else to be done.

this has hit me like a ton of bricks,
please keep her in your prayers,

and if anyone has been thru anything similar,or even if you haven''t, i would really appreciate your input
 

IrishAngel7982

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May 5, 2006
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Wow Labbie...I''m so sorry. I don''t have much advice about what to do with the wedding, but I wanted to send my condolences and let you know that I''ll be praying for your mom.
 

poptart

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May 23, 2006
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I''m so sorry, and you''re family will be in my prayers. As for your wedding, if she really wants you to do as you planned, then I guess you should, and just involve her as much as possible.

*M*
 

diamondfan

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Jun 17, 2005
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11,016
Labbie, I am so sorry. It is a terrible thing to find out, and she sounds like an awesome lady. I wish, in times like these, that there was a way to have symptoms earlier and get to a doctor, it is so sad to think of losing her especially when you are planning a wedding. Just focus on her, and what she needs right now, you will know what course makes most sense in time. My prayers are with you and your family...
 

upgrading mama

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What a huge blow to your family, i am so sorry to hear this ...

Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman who really wants you to have all that you have wanted for your wedding day.

I am a mother of 2 little boys and it is my dream to see that day in their lives.

Do you think that you could have a special civil ceremony where you get dressed up and everything, but just an intimate event with your immediate families??

I know that I would want the memory of having my mother present in such a special event in my life.

I am sure you have soo much on your plate right now with all that is happening so I just pray that you all have peace.

Lean on eachother and just try to enjoy every day that you have with her.
 

widget

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Oh, labbielove. I''m so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet mom.

I don''t think you have to make any decision right away about your wedding plans. With a little time, you''ll know in your heart what is best for you, and for her.


(((hugs)))


widget
 

oshinbreez

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Jun 16, 2006
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I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I''ll keep all of you in my prayers.

Can I speak from a mom''s side? If my daughter was planning her wedding, and we received info like that about me, I''d want her to continue planning. Especially if I knew that he was good for my daughter. Since your mom has said she wants you to continue, I think you should. Ask her for her opinions on everything. Tell her all the decisions you make. Let her see your dream wedding materialize. I wouldn''t want to feel like I was the reason for a postponement, or for a rushed wedding.
I know it will be hard, but I feel you NEED to do it for your mom.
 

decodelighted

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That''s such awful news! My heart hurts for you & your family! I''m not really sure what else to say but you mentioned you''d like to hear from anyone who has been through something similar ...

My grandmother had nearly the same diagnosis at about the same age ... very vital & then very sudden downslide. I have to say - as tragic & sad & wrenching as it was: my grandma was GRATEFUL to know ... to have some time to be able to talk to friends & really bring her life to a kind of circle if not as nearly a full circle as any of us would have wished. I remember VIVIDLY how she would just thank people - those visits were just full of her love for folks and that tidal wave of gratitude & kept us all afloat & strong for her. Looking back I''m the one that''s grateful - for having those days & weeks with her before she passed. Time I never got with another Grandmother who passed away one day with no warning whatsoever.

The wedding - I''d be torn too ... between wanting to involve her in the planning ... just to possibly give her some joy & brief escape from the intensity of her own situation ... to wanting to put a pin in it and deal with all those details *later*. You don''t have to decide this instant. See how you feel. See if it comes up with her. Take care of yourself!!! **HUG**
 

SuzyQZ

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Feb 20, 2006
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Labbie:

I am truly sorry to hear of your mother''s diagnosis.

My father-in-law was diagnosed with inoperable kidney cancer.

They told the family in January that the end was eminent (days/weeks at best) and that we should all come together immediately to say our goodbyes. My in-laws 50th wedding anniversary was to be July of that same year and he promised my mother-in-law that he would live to celebrate it with her. Well, you know what? He did! He held on for that special day, it gave him hope and purpose. Their anniversary was July 4th and he spent it with his wife of 50 years and all their children and grand children by their side. We all knew that this was going to be the last time we would see him and we were at peace with it. He peacefully passed away in his sleep just a few days later.

The point of my story is maybe by sticking to your wedding plans, sharing your progress with your mom, keeping things on track can be a comfort and give a point in time for her to focus on. Truly, only God knows when our time is here, but maybe your plans can give her something to think about and look forward to. Sometimes when everything around us is unraveling, life''s precious moments like a birth of a child, a wedding, a special milestone anniversary that can be something to set ones sights upon.

Whether she is with you in body or in spirit on your wedding day, you should share as much as you can with her. There is quote I''ve read, but I don''t know who to attribute it to-- "A Joy shared is twice the joy, sorrow shared is half the sorrow.”

Share your joy with your mother.
When the time is here, let your family and friends lighten the burden of your sorrow.

I feel for you and wish you strength in this difficult time.
 

KristyDarling

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Labbie, big huge hugs to you!!! I am so sorry. I can''t even imagine how topsy turvy your life must feel right now. It''s clear that you and your mom are super-close and have a wonderful relationship. I agree with the others that you don''t have to make any big decisions right now, other than to focus on your mom. You''ve just been delivered a huge shock, so waiting awhile and seeing how things unfold in the next few weeks and months will lead to the right answer. I''ll be thinking of you, your mom, and your family. Please keep us posted.
 

AmberWaves

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Oct 19, 2005
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labbie, I''m not on here much anymore, but I wanted to give you my very deepest sympathies. I had a similar situation, only it was my grandmother and a brain tumor. Unfortunately, they didn''t find it in time to do something for her- and she was already so far gone she didn''t know what was happening. Not to depress you further, but I think that when your mother says she wants you to go ahead, you should. I think mothers in general would rather their children have a moment of happiness, though it may be bittersweet, rather than mourn them on what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

I know that as children and grandchildren we want to share these happy moments with our loved ones. And if they can not be there we may think, what''s the point. To me, the point is to give my grandma my happiness. She would never want me to spend all my time mourning her and being sad. When living, my grandma was the happiest, most alive person I had ever known. I celebrate her as much now as I did when she was here. In fact, our wedding is on what would have been her 95th birthday. She will be there in pictures, thoughts and hopefully spirit.

So, spend all the time you can with your mom, if you need to postpone the wedding, do so. If you can still keep the date, let your mom be able to give you that. She may feel guilty if you don''t.

Lastly, I am so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
 

E B

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Oh, Labbie, I''m so, so sorry. You and your Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Kaleigh

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Oh Labbie, I am so very sorry. I think right now you have to concentrate on being there for your Mom. You''ll know in time what''s best to do as far as your wedding. I have dealt with Cancer more times than I''d like with family members. But she will want you to proceed with your plans, and certainly will be with you in spirit. You may not see that now, but in time you will. My heart aches for you, as this must be heart wrenching for your entire family. Stay strong, look into Hospice, it will be a big help to you. I know it was a big help to me. I give you my prayers, and hugs.
Lisa
 

Kerbear560

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I''m so sorry to hear about your mom labbie. I can''t even begin to imagine what you are going through. As far as what to do about your wedding- I agree with everyone that has said to give it some time. You just received devastating news, and you don''t have to rush into making any decisions. Like you said, you should focus on your mom right now...in time you''ll know in your heart what the right thing to do is. You, your mom and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

swingirl

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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Don''t worry about making changes to your plans right now. Just concentrate on your mom and enjoy being with her everyday you can. Our thougths are with you and your family.

Swingirl
 

Lorelei

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Labbie, I have been through this with a parent with the exact same thing, I am praying for you, your Mom and your family, if I can help in any way let me know.
 

robbie3982

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I''m so sorry! I agree with the majority that if your mother wants you to continue with plans that you should. I''m sure it''s not just the wedding that mom''s dream about sharing with their daughters. It''s the planning too.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

ephemery1

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Oh Labbie, I am so sorry... such heartbreaking news. I think if your mom absolutely prefers for you to keep your wedding date when it is, maybe let that decision be hers. As for the planning, it may actually be helpful as the months progress to have some of those details as a healthy distraction... when my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer (prognosis of 3 months), I had just started a new masters program that very same week. I didn''t know whether to drop out or continue... but ultimately I stayed in my classes, and it was good that I had something else going on rather than focusing on the extreme sadness all the time. Plus it made my grandmother happy to know I was doing well. Just another way to think about it...

Keep posting, and we''ll keep supporting.... you are not alone!!
 

njc

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Labbie - I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I think the other ladies have given you some good advice to think about.
 

larussel03

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I''m so sorry Labbie. It sounds like your mom is a really wonderful person, and I can''t imagine going through what you are right now. I don''t know what to tell you as far as advice goes, but I just wanted to offer my condolences.
 

basil

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Labbie, I am so sorry. I have no real advice to offer, only to consider getting involved with a hospice organization immediately. Those people are wonderful and can do wonders for both your mom and you and your family. Many people wait too long.
 

brgirl

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Jun 16, 2006
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I''m very sorry to hear about your mother. I know 100% what you are going through as I have JUST gone through this.
My mom was given 6-9 months to live at the end of January. She had cervical cancer that had spread and the chemo she''d been going through did not work. My wedding is planned for October in Maine. (She lives in Texas). When we found out about the diagnosis, we started looking at moving the wedding to mother''s day in May of this year in Texas. I did a lot of research and bought my dress, the rings, shoes - all the things where ultimately it did not matter if the wedding was in October or May, I could still use them.

When we told mom about her 6 -9 month diagnosis, she said she didn''t want me to change the wedding because we''ve done so much planning. I told her we hadn''t actually done that much - just reserving the place. At that point she was having difficulty walking, but she was very lucid.

Unfortunately, things went downhill very quickly after that, and she passed away March 1st. This was one month after we were told we had 6-9 months. She was only 51.

I had come home to see her the weekend before she passed away, and we had decided then that there would be no point in changing the wedding. She was on so much pain medication, there was no way she would even understand what was going on. In fact, when the hospice social worker asked me when my wedding was, my mom said ''you never told me it was in Maine in October!''

We tried to give her so much to look forward to - she has two daughters getting married this year, another grandchild coming soon hopefully, her family was visiting within the week, but in the end you don''t always have control over how much you can fight.

When we were thinking of changing the wedding to May in Texas, a friend had suggested that if mom couldn''t come to the actual ceremony for whatever reason, we could setup an internet camera and she could watch it from home as it occured, then we could come home afterwards and make her feel as much a part of it as possible.

I know how hard it is to decide what you should do. I spent a month going back and forth, thinking about the worst case vs the best case. I was finally commited to moving the wedding, as I decided the worst case would be that she was still alive in October and I changed the wedding but didn''t really need to. I had decided that would be a fine outcome! I don''t think I thought it would be possible for her to not make it to May.

So now that my wedding hasn''t changed, after being around all this family all weekends, and a 1-year old cousin, I feel like October is too far away to ''get on with life''..but we''re sticking to that date and are just trying to heal now.
 

onedrop

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Labbie: I am so sorry to hear the news about your mother. You and your family are in my thoughts. It will probably help your mother to know that you to go forward with the wedding as planned. In the end, she wants your happiness and part of your happiness is to marry the man you love in the style that you want. So since you are asking, I say go forward with the current plans. And definitely include your mother in as much wedding planning as possible.
 

Lorelei

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brgirl, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss.
 

brgirl

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Date: 3/14/2007 1:25:24 PM
Author: Lorelei
brgirl, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I don''t want to hijack labbielove''s thread. But, I thought some of the info might be helpful.
There were a lot of times I almost posted what was going on to get people''s opinions, but it was just too hard.
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

Of course you are upset---such sad news. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

kind regards--Sharon
 

Ladyoflovers

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Dec 5, 2006
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Ah, labbie, i am deeply sorry for you. Such news that a daughter would never want to hear! I''ll be praying for you and your mother. I''m sure she will be fighting her best to be able to attend your wedding ceremony and i''m sure she wouldn''t want you to change anything.

It is easy for an outsider to advise and you are the only person who knows how it hurts but, how possible would that be for you to take the wedding date earlier?
 

Ellen

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labbie, how heartbreaking.

I really don''t know what to say, that hasn''t already been said.

I have gone through the death of a parent, I know how utterly upsetting it is. And I can''t imagine trying to plan my wedding in the midst of such emotional chaos.

Then again, I am a mother. I can only imagine how I would feel if it were me and my child was set to get married. I know that most mothers (including me) want nothing more on earth than for our children to be happy, no matter what. I know I would not want the wedding postponed, and I imagine if that''s what your mother said, she probably means it. It''s a REALLY tough call.


Whatever you decide, it will be right. I just don''t think there is a right or wrong decision here, for the reasons I''ve mentioned. I wish you much peace in your decision, and you and your family are in my thoughts.
 
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