My mom wont let go.

[charbie]

Three years ago, I accepted a job two hours south of my hometown. It was the town I went to college in, met my now-husband in, and settled into a house in. The past few months have been really difficult for my husband and I, both socially and professionally, so we decided to begin looking for jobs two hours south of where we live now...in his hometown. That means 4 hours from where my mom lives.

I accepted a job today in our new hometown. The thing is, my mom won't even return my calls to talk about it. She thinks she is losing me, and that my husband is taking me further and further away from her. I have nothing tying me to the place she lives I don't have many people I regularly keep in contact with from high school, and our family doesn't get together frquently. DH on the other hand has a ton of friends and family in his hometown. Its also a very nice promotion for me, and getting away from a dead end job was important to both of us. My mom doesn't get how this is a great move for us. She is being selfish and taking away my excitement of buying out dream home, getting great jobs, etc.

How can I tell her she should be lucky she can still drive to see me and not need to hop on a plane? I know she is getting older, but I would still be there in the drop of a hat if I needed to!

 

[betty6333]

Give her time.
I am 8 hours away from my mother, and just spent a week at her place with all the kids in tow... She was ready for us to leave at that point! LOL

Congrats on your new job and I am sure your mom will come around. ( EVENTUALLY )

 

[kenny]

It is her problem not yours.
Don't worry about other people's problems.

You are doing nothing wrong.

It is very important for adults to assert to their parents that they are no long children.
"Taking care of her" by never upsetting her and enabling the mother's unrealistic fantasy (that children do not grow up and have their own lives) is NOT kind.
It is NOT taking care of her.
In the long run it is actually curel.

I have a 53 year old friend who is FINALLY letting her mother know that she is grown up now.
It is very painful for both of them.

 

[lyra]

I think she is heartbroken, but she will get over it. I am pretty sure if one of my daughters moved away I would find it difficult to deal with, and I "might" have trouble communicating until I got my feelings under control. I'm giving her the benefit of a doubt obviously. If she continues to act out, well, you'll have to deal with that, but I think moving is the best option for you and your DH. Good luck! It sounds quite exciting really.

 

[Nashville]

Awww. It's sad, but believe it or not, she does want this for you. She does want you to be happy/successful/social. This is just her experiencing that time all parents dread since their babies enter the world. She will get over it, don't feel guilty.

 

[Haven]

Congrats on the new job, Charbie!

I think she just needs time. I imagine my own mother would react in much the same way, and of course I'd be hurt that she wasn't acknowledging my great new job and was rather making this all about herself. However, I'm sure she will be able to be happy for you after some time passes and once she's used to the idea. (My mom was all pouty when we bought a house 25 minutes west of her house, so really, I do feel for you!)

I'm sure she really does understand that this is a great thing for you, and she's just working through her own feelings about the move. It's not nice, and of course you want your mom to be happy for you, and she will be. Just not right now.

I like Betty's method--once you go visit her with a bunch of (future) children in tow, she'll be happy to see you go!

 

[junebug17]

Aw Charbie, hugs to you, your mom will get used to the idea, she just needs time to adjust. Don't feel guilty, your mom has had her chance to make decisions and choices, and now it's your turn. You have a right to live your life and do what you think is best for you and your dh. I'm a mom of older kids, so I sympathize with her to a point, but she's gotta learn to let go, and she will. When it comes down to it, we parents have no choice! It's a little painful at first, but we survive!

ETA: Betty, your post was so cute!

 

[luv2sparkle]

awwh, Charbie, your mom will come around and see the wisdom of your move. I know this sounds so old lady, but I think
you don't realize how hard it is to let your kids go until you get there. You devote your life to them, and then one day you are
out of a job very suddenly.

My mother in law had a really hard time letting go of my DH and it used to bug the heck out of me. I remember the moment it
hit me how hard it really was. I think my first son was about two, and the thought of letting him go someday to a wife hit me
as I was driving in the car. I bawled my head off and vowed right then and there to myself that I was going to learn to let go.
But it is still hard.

She will get there, it just takes time to wrap your head around it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sounds like a great opportunity! Congrats on the job.

Your mom needs time. Has she always been like this? If I were you I would try to spend time with her and reassure her that she will still see you x times a year. Maybe even make plans after the move so she has something to look forward to. Kenny is right that these are her issues, not your issues, but she is your mom. Things get complicated with families. Focus on all the reasons why you are moving and tell her. State clearly it is not to get away from her but because of the raise, awesome opportunity, etc.

 

[GliderPoss]

Wow, you all have really attached parents! How sweet My parents happily put me on a plane to the other side of the world at 17. Now all but one of my sister lives very far away from our parents (we are about 10hrs drive away) but they just want the best for us AND I'm sure your Mum does too. Give her time to adjust to her feelings and perhaps make a point of calling her frequently until she is happier about the idea. You have done nothing wrong - congrats on the new job!

 

[heyme]

Your mom will (hopefully) get over it. As I see it, she's going to be upset with the new idea and maybe she's thinking that if she throws a big enough fit, you'll reconsider. Make sure she knows you're serious and that you WISH you could be closer, but this is what's best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. Then tell her she's free to move closer if she likes You know... unless you don't want her to.

 

[soocool]

We moms need to form a support group. I am having a hard time a year in advance knowing that DD will be going away to college.

I can now honestly say that I now know what my mom felt when my sister and I were growing up and got married. We stayed close by, but nonetheless, it was painful for her. You have been a part of your mom's life for a long time and it is not easy to see your kids move far away and out of your life. You begin to feel that you are getting older and not needed the way you once were. It is life altering for her in ways that you cannot imagine.

 

[Tuckins1]

She'll get over it. My Mom lives in Michigan, my brother lives in California, and my sister lives in Georgia. People move, and still make an effort to stay in touch if they really want to. 4 hours isn't THAT far away....

Congrats on the promotion!

 

[kelpie]

Send her a book on overcoming co-dependence?

 

[VRBeauty]

Kenny's right, it is her problem and not yours. Still, you can help her with the transition she's going to have to go through. Have you talked to her about her reaction? Told her the things you told us? Of course you still have to set your boundaries and be careful that you're not being complicit in allowing her to avoid looking at the inevitable... but remember that what goes around (eventually) comes around, and help give her a soft landing.

 

[Scorpioanne]

My son just moved a 10 hour drive from me. I consider myself lucky that he lived here for 5 years following his return to the city he was raised in (he went to university on the west coast which is a two day drive or so). I think it is wonderful that he has enough self confidence to have gone to university so far from home and that he has lived in another country a few times and that he is independent enough to start a new life in another city. Now he just needs to meet the right girl and settle down! I feel it our job as parents to grow independent self-confident young adults, it is too bad that your mum doesn't see it as that way as that is the natural order of things.

 

[Imdanny]

My goodness. 4 hours isn't a long way away at all. Tell her your friend on the internet told you that he lives in Hawaii and his mother lives in New York.

I came here to take a job. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I wish I could be 4 hours away from my mother.

 

[charbie]

hey everyone!
Thanks so much for all the comments. We finally had the chance to talk, and while I can tell she isn't thrilled, she understands. My parents divorced 10 years ago, and she doesn't have much contact with her friends, so her 3 kids are all she feel she has. I think she also feels a bit jealous since we are moving by my husbands family, so they will be closer.

Kelpie, its funny you mention the codependence. I know she is a bit codependent. We talk 4-5 times a week. I am guilty of calling her a lot too, she is sort of needy. I think I need to take a step back as well to get over my own feelings of guilt that I bring upon myself. Only I can let her make this a nightmare move.

My mom has had a rocky relationship with her mom her whole life. She always says she doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with her own kids, but she has to be careful and also step up to the plate and be more understanding. We are super close, but I actually am looking forward to not stressing about her problems as much...if that makes sense. The parents/child line blurred a bit after her divorce.

And I really appreciate the kind words re: the job! I'm so excited!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don't mean to sound flippant or uncaring, but it's time to cut the cord. You're an adult, you're married. Your mother is allowed to love you and want to be a part of your life, but she's not entitled to BE your life. Moving away will most likely have a positive effect on your relationship because it reinforces your independence and makes your periodic visits that much more meaningful. This is really a personal problem she needs to deal with on her own.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

This is a GREAT book on codependency for you to read
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/143910 ... ARFDV6PQ1J

Your mom is sad and that is okay. She obviously loves you and yes, has issues, but don't we all? You can only control your own actions and reactions. Hopefully your mom will accept the move (sounds like she is) and uses it as an opportunity to branch out and start forming close friendships. No one person can be your everything.

 

[charbie]

We moms need to form a support group. I am having a hard time a year in advance knowing that DD will be going away to college.

I can now honestly say that I now know what my mom felt when my sister and I were growing up and got married. We stayed close by, but nonetheless, it was painful for her. You have been a part of your mom's life for a long time and it is not easy to see your kids move far away and out of your life. You begin to feel that you are getting older and not needed the way you once were. It is life altering for her in ways that you cannot imagine.

Soocool: I was hoping you could chime in! Its nice to "see it" a bit from a mothers eyes. I don't have kids, so it isn't a big deal for me to move away further. But I'm so grateful for all that she has done, she gave up a lot and we were her world for so long! I know she's proud...heck, I left when I was 18 and lived abroad for a year. She didn't like it at first, but she knew it would be a life altering opportunity, and wouldn't take that away just bc she would miss me. There should be a support group for "empty nesters!" My mom friend just had her son move to Turkey, and her other son is in Vegas...she knows it could be worse but it doesn't make it easier.

HH: I get what you mean, and totally agree. It doesn't sound uncaring, its true in many regards. I know its weird, but I worry about her bc she isn't married, lives alone, and I don't want her to become a bitter old woman like her mom did. We don't talk as much as we usedto now that I'm married and have so many other priorities, I think I just sort of. Shocked her system a bit telling her we were moving.

I know in the end, she will come around. Tac: thanks for the book suggestion! I'm going to check it out, and suggest my yoounger sister read it too!

 

[Cehrabehra]

We are a 24 hour drive from my inlaws and it's just too far... but wait, no, I forgot, we live in china haha - so we're a 24 plane ride! My mom is gone now so when we move back we're thinking of phoenix so we'll be closer to the inlaws, that's plenty close! I understand her being sad, but she's also being horrendously selfish in not even being happy for you. She needs to resolve that - it's definitely not on you or your fault.

 

[katamari]

Charbie, I just wanted to commiserate. My mom was up visiting this week. We are moving next Sunday and all she did was cry. I think the best thing I did to help her deal is really talk in the future about things. We planned a trip for her to come visit in September to go to Vancouver. And, she is also coming out for Thanksgiving. Then, I am coming back for a week around Christmas. I think once she got concrete ideas about time we would spend together, it made her realize she wasn't really "losing" me. I am also trying to get her to pick up some hobbies. She is retired now and volunteers a lot and also is the caregiver for my elderly grandmother, but she really does very little for herself. I think that makes it harder on me that she is leaving. Does your mom have hobbies she could throw herself into? Perhaps not notice that you are gone so much?