My Maid of Honor Dropped Out

[Amzizzle]

So I''m a bit hurt right now and just needed to let it out.

My maid of honor just told me she won''t be able to do it,she was crying because she was afraid she would lose me as a friend over

this. The reasoning was that she has a lot of stress,and may be moving to Colorado in the next couple months and wasn''t sure how

she would get back and forth to all the events.

It''s true she has a lot of stress,her brother is in rehab,she will be quitting her job son,etc.

I however can''t help feeling hurt,and a bit embarrassed. I love her and she is one of my best friends,and I told her that it''s

OK and that I understand,and that she won''t lose me as a friend. I already said this but I am just very hurt...I also don''t know

what to do,I feel lame asking someone else to stand up for me,but don''t want to feel like that no one else will either.

Sorry if this was kind of incoherent,I just don''t know what to do.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''m sorry this is happening! It''s OK to be disappointed - your best friend won''t be by your side at what you hope will be one of the best day of your life. However, you know you just have to be a good friend to her and be supportive as she''s going through her tough times. Is she unable to come to the wedding at all? Perhaps you could still give her a role in the wedding - as a house party member or some other involvement - so that she''s still a part of your wedding and you can show her that she is very much still your friend.


Do you have other bridesmaids? Would you want to ask one of them to be the maid of honor? If not, then don''t worry about it. You don''t have to have a MOH even if there''s a BM. Symmetry is not a requirement.

My husband had a best man who had some personal drama happen, so an usher was asked to step up to best man, and it was a really great choice in the end.

 

[decodelighted]

Awwww. That''s an unexpected & upsetting thing! Do you have other BMs that maybe you could just "promote" one to MOH -- or was she "it"? I''m sure the folks close to you that know about the shakeup will all understand & think you''re awesome for accommodating the friend who seems like she''s just barely hanging on right now. Messy life just gets in the way of the most important events sometimes. You''ll find a way to do it without her and it will still be amazing! And you''ll still have your friend. Hopefully her situation will simplify soon.

 

[mrscushion]

Oh no! I''m sorry. That blows. It''s totally understandable that you''re hurt. It''s also good of you to be understanding of her situation. As deco said, sometimes life really does screw up our plans. Maybe you just want to go with bridesmaids only? No one says you have to have an MOH.

 

[Amzizzle]

Thanks for the support.I have one other bridesmaid,and I may add someone else.I normally wouldn''t do that,but I did ask this friend originally,but she couldn''t do it because she been unemployed for a year.She now has a job that pays well (I''m so happy about that for her in general).So she may want to do it now,as she was even super excited about asking her to do a reading.

Guilty Pleasure-I would love to include my friend in another way,but honestly I kind of think she is hanging on by a thread.I would rather not put the pressure on her at all.I love her very much and just don''t want to make anything any harder then it is.She said no matter what she would come to the wedding,and I told her that''s all that matters.

mscushion-I may not had a "maid of honor" and just bridesmaids. I''m starting to think that might take the pressure off a little.

 

[lulu66]

amizzle, i''m so sorry to hear that! it''s definitely understandable that you are sad & hurt your friend will not be able to fulfill the role of maid of honor but from what you stated here, you are a supportive, empathetic, and great friend! it seems you are handling the situation with an extreme amount of grace & class.

 

[LilyKat]

It sounds like she has a genuine reason for dropping out that has nothing to do with how much she cares about you - so don't feel hurt.

With her comment about not being able to get back and forth for "all the events" - maybe you could let her know that you aren't expecting as much from her as she thinks? Here in the UK, all bridesmaids have to do is put on a dress and stand up on the day of the wedding - there really aren't any other expectations that come with the role. Maybe you could use that approach for her (seeing as she'll be at the wedding anyway).

 

[princessplease]

Amizzle, I''m sorry

I agree with LilyKat; is there a way you can ask her to stay in the bridal party, and delegate someone else to do the MOH duties?

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry this is happening - I also think it''s reasonable to feel hurt - but that you don''t lose sight of the importance of this friend in the bigger picture of your life

 

[Amzizzle]

The distance thing was the least of the problems because as of right now,she lives down the street and moving to Colorado is a big

maybe (she has been talking about it for over a year,but still no solid plans to move).

I also want to say that because of her care free nature I really didn''t have her doing much of the MOH responsibilities. She only

had to decide on her dress,and she was kind of being weird about it now that I think about it.So pretty much there is no way she will stay in the wedding,she made it clear.

 

[shertz1981]

I''m sorry this is happening to you, Amzizzle

It sounds like you''re being an amazing friend, though.

No extra words of wisdom, but I know things will be beautiful, whatever you decision about your bridal party

 

[oddoneout]

I''m sorry you''re hurt but I''m glas your sympathetic to her situation. It does sound like she has a lot on her plate.

 

[Amzizzle]

I thought after I slept on it I would have a better idea of what to do. I kind of don''t...I feel like I want to ask my friend I originally wanted anyway,I did ask her originally but because of her financial situation she politely declined.That has changed now,so I''m hoping she would like to do it.I don''t want to pressure her though.ugh.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I''m sorry you are going through this right now hon. I say go for it, ask your friend you already have now that her situation has changed. For all you know she wishes you would! Is there anyway you can help her financially if it is still a problem? Buy her dress under the table so to speak? buy the plane ticket to the wedding if that is an issue?

 

[Amzizzle]

sparkles-I could help her out here and there,but the one thing about all my bridesmaids is they have a ton of pride.They won't let me help out with to much at all.I have already offered to pay for all the dresses,but everyone said they would never let me do that.

Oh and I'm already paying for everyone's hair and makeup as well. (I was able to sneak that in

)

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 3/21/2010 3:40:51 PM
Author: Amzizzle

She said no matter what she would come to the wedding,and I told her that''s all that matters.

I''m so glad you told her this. I can''t imagine how tough it must have been for her to have this conversation with you. I commend you for not making her feel terrible about it as it does seem like a genuine reason that she might not be able to commit to being in your wedding.

I don''t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you''re handling it well.

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/22/2010 12:14:30 PM
Author: Clairitek

Date: 3/21/2010 3:40:51 PM
Author: Amzizzle

She said no matter what she would come to the wedding,and I told her that''s all that matters.

I''m so glad you told her this. I can''t imagine how tough it must have been for her to have this conversation with you. I commend you for not making her feel terrible about it as it does seem like a genuine reason that she might not be able to commit to being in your wedding.

I don''t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you''re handling it well.

Ditto. I think it''s great that even though you''re really disappointed (and seriously, who wouldn''t be?) you''re still being there for your friend. It shows a lot about your friendship that you''re both willing to work to make sure the other person is comfortable and happy, even when things don''t go the way you want them to.

*hug*

 

[Nov2109]

I''m sorry this happened. It sounds like you and your friend are both great people. She knew she had a lot on her plate and didn''t want to disappoint you in being a MOH and not being able to be there for the wedding events etc. You are handling this the right way, the most important thing is that shes able to share that day with you, whether or not shes in a BM dress and you maintain your friendship! I know I would feel hurt too, regardless of the situation, however it seems like you''re both on the same page.

 

[trillionaire]

Personally, if she is important enough to be your MOH, I would have her serve in that capacity on the day of the wedding, of course, if she agrees. No strings, not parties or additional duties, just the person that you want standing by your side on that important day. If you can pay for her dress, then there''s not much to even argue about.

I would rather have my friend by my side than a stand-in, and since she says that there is not way she will miss the wedding, then it shouldn''t be hard to accomplish. Just a thought...

 

[Amzizzle]

Good news and bad news...A friend I originally wanted in the wedding party accepted with squealing delight so yay!

Bad news...I found out that my former Maid of Honor was at a dinner last night with some mutual friends,got drunk and said:

"When I figured out how much work was involved with being the MOH I called Amy (me) and gave her some sob story about not being able to do it,she totally ate it up and now I''m off the hook and she''s not even mad at me".

This came from a very reliable non dramatic source.I''m INCREDIBLY hurt,I can''t believe someone would say all these horrible things were happening to them,just to get out of being in my wedding.I guess I have nothing else to say,just that I never thought she would do this to me in a million years,we have been friends a very long time.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/23/2010 6:24:45 PM
Author: Amzizzle
Good news and bad news...A friend I originally wanted in the wedding party accepted with squealing delight so yay!

Bad news...I found out that my former Maid of Honor was at a dinner last night with some mutual friends,got drunk and said:

''When I figured out how much work was involved with being the MOH I called Amy (me) and gave her some sob story about not being able to do it,she totally ate it up and now I''m off the hook and she''s not even mad at me''.

This came from a very reliable non dramatic source.I''m INCREDIBLY hurt,I can''t believe someone would say all these horrible things were happening to them,just to get out of being in my wedding.I guess I have nothing else to say,just that I never thought she would do this to me in a million years,we have been friends a very long time.

I''m so, so sorry.

I''m sorry that she felt that way, or did such a thing, but I''m also pretty peeved at your friend that told you. How hurtful!

 

[Nov2109]

Oh no. I''m sorry to hear that happened.

The bright side is that you no longer have someone standing up for you who would do something that hurtful, and you have someone standing up for you who wants to be there for you and support your marriage and be a good friend...

Hopefully it was just too much alcohol talking...but weddings do bring out the worst in people...

Try to let it go and enjoy the rest of your wedding planning with those who care about you most.

 

[mayachel]

Wow. I''m so sorry. Those are incredibly hurtful words to hear. I realize you haven''t asked for follow up advice with the new turn of events, but If it were me, I''d want to go straight to her and let her know what I had heard.

Maybe there is a bit of truth in all of it? Maybe she didn''t want others to know how bad things had gotten? Only one way to find out. But I would certainly proceed with caution before being overly zealous in offering her the MOH position again with no strings attached.

 

[Amzizzle]

I actually had not posted because I wanted to go to her and hear what she had to say for herself.We have been friends for a very long time,and even if she was protecting herself or her pride or whatever,it should not have been at my expense.

So...I did talk to her and she apologized for being that way and say she said it because she had been drinking.She then proceeded to say that she should have been more honest because she really just didn''t want to do the MOH thing in the first place.

I then told her that my other best friend (who she knows) was taking her place.She goes "Oh good! I don''t feel bad anymore!"

Well that sent me over the edge! I told her that I will forgive,but I damn well won''t forget,and even so I will need some space from her for awhile,and that it will be a long time before I can truly trust her again.

I''m incredibly non-confrontational but I was just so hurt,and couldn''t hold in my feelings about the whole thing.On top of that she really just didn''t seem sorry at all.I''m not even saying she should be that sorry for backing out,but just for hurting my feelings and then making me look like an idiot in the circle of friends we all know.

Well that''s the saga.Would you guys even keep her as a friend after this?

 

[happydreams]

Date: 3/25/2010 8:50:45 AM
Author: Amzizzle
I actually had not posted because I wanted to go to her and hear what she had to say for herself.We have been friends for a very long time,and even if she was protecting herself or her pride or whatever,it should not have been at my expense.

So...I did talk to her and she apologized for being that way and say she said it because she had been drinking.She then proceeded to say that she should have been more honest because she really just didn''t want to do the MOH thing in the first place.

I then told her that my other best friend (who she knows) was taking her place.She goes ''Oh good! I don''t feel bad anymore!''

Well that sent me over the edge! I told her that I will forgive,but I damn well won''t forget,and even so I will need some space from her for awhile,and that it will be a long time before I can truly trust her again.

I''m incredibly non-confrontational but I was just so hurt,and couldn''t hold in my feelings about the whole thing.On top of that she really just didn''t seem sorry at all.I''m not even saying she should be that sorry for backing out,but just for hurting my feelings and then making me look like an idiot in the circle of friends we all know.

Well that''s the saga.Would you guys even keep her as a friend after this?

Exactly how long have you been friends with her? I would keep my distance. I probably wouldn''t make much effort to be her friend, unless she really seemed sorry and tried to make it up in various ways. She sounds very selfish and immature. Immature b/c her response was pathetic...I wouldn''t make any effort to be her friend, to be honest.

 

[Amzizzle]

We have been friends about 7 years.We are also very close with her boyfriend (she has been with him for 9 years).We have gone on cruises and multiple vacations with them,as well as kind of making them are "go-to" couple.I just can''t believe she did this.I am still in shock.

 

[purselover]

What a bizarre situation! I am so sorry your friend ended up acting this way, at least you know this now instead of after the wedding when you''d be stuck with her in all the bridal party pics.

 

[cara]

Wow, just wow. She sounds really immature. Sure, you found someone else to take her place, that makes it all better! (to lie with a sob story about how you can''t do something for your friend that you already committed to.)

Anyway, just take a step back and enjoy your wedding. And certainly use this information to decide how close you want to be to this person in the future.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I am so sorry Amy! Glad that your other friend is delighted to be in the wedding and sorry that your old MOH is so immature and selfish. I hope that you cans till have a wonderful and drama-free wedding and that maybe taknig some space from your old MOH will help you both to reevaluate your relationship. Sorry it is so difficult right now

 

[AustenNut]

Wow, Amzizzle, I''m so sorry. You''ve handled yourself in a very calm and respectable manner and I''m sorry that you were repaid in such a way. But at least now you know what she''s really like, and you also have an enthusiastic new MOH. Good luck as you continue to get ready for your wonderful day.