My (long) (waiting) story ...

[michela002]

Warning: I''m sorry this is so long ...

My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship. We met in the US for a brief time, then he came to Australia to visit me and we got together. He visited me again quite soon after, and even moved here for four months until his visa ran out.

During that four months, just after our six-month anniversary (yes, I know, early in the relationship) we talked about getting married. (Well, engaged first, obviously.) And he suggested I start looking at rings and figure out what I like, so I did that (obsessively!

I''m still doing it!) He basically said figure out what I like, and at some point he would say, "Okay babe now I need to know what you want" and then he''d get the ring and propose.

I went to visit him this past Christmas, and originally the idea we both shared was that we would get engaged then. But money has been the thing standing in the way (i.e. money for the ring) and I felt so bad that he was stressing about it that I said don''t be silly we''re not in a hurry we can do it later. But frustratingly, we have basically picked the general date we will get married (end of 2006) and he has told his family that general date (because they will need to save to travel for the wedding), so while we''re not engaged, I was referred to as his fiance at Christmas (I quickly corrected them ... it felt fraudulent) and his mom asked me about why I wanted to get married in Australia (since my parents have moved away from Australia.) My boyfriend basically said to his mom, "wait till she has the ring then you can ask those things." So basically people are acting like we''re already engaged.

I am going to the US this summer for a month, and I guess I assumed we would be engaged then. In fact, I have even already bought his engagement gift, figuring I would need it by this summer.

But at some point in the last month I said to him hey can I show you the things I have been looking at, because it has gotten to the point where I feel like I am going to pick a ring and he will just pay for it (not what I want at all.) I want him to be involved in the process, not just the end result, and not just the money!! And I want him to understand that it''s not just about the ring, it''s not just me wanting jewellery!

I am moving to the US to be with him at the end of the year and we will need to find an apartment, buy furniture, pay a deposit and rent, etc etc etc, there will be many many expenses, and I will need to find a job, so he is saving up a lot to try and make sure everything is secure for when I get there, which is wonderful. But it transpired in a recent conversation that because he is saving up for all that stuff, we will not be engaged until sometime next year, after we have dealt with all those sensible things and have the money for a ring. (But keep in mind, our tentative "getting married" date is at the end of next year.)

This really threw me. Before this he''d always said he wanted us to be engaged before I moved there, so that my family would know I was moving there for someone who would be there for me, etc, and wasn''t making a mistake. But I guess it just got pushed to next year, without me knowing it, and here I am, being an idiot and a fraud looking at rings and talking to my friends about diamonds and getting engaged, and by the time I''m engaged I will have been talking about this for more than 18 months. Friends ask me "is it official yet?" because I have been talking about it for so long.

I know I am being a brat. He is so wonderful, and it is amazing that he tries so hard to make sure everything will be okay and taken care of for when I get there (and obviously I am saving too) but I wish we had never talked about getting married or engaged and I wish he''d never told me to look at rings, because I really feel like a fraud. I wish we had just not talked about it and one day he could have proposed with a ring pop and then I could have started searching for a ring, and gotten one, and it would have been lovely, and a surprise. I want to be involved because I will wear this ring forever (and we have very different tastes) but I wish I hadn''t started looking, because it''s made me feel like I''m waiting, and it''s made him feel like I just think it''s all about the ring.

I feel like I am pushing him into it (In reality I''m probably not, I think if he had the money it would have happened a long time ago, but he spent so much money coming to visit me!) but I still feel like I am, and I don''t want to be the girl who badgers her boyfriend into proposing.

I almost feel like the whole thing is ruined, like it''s become such a case of me being a brat and saying I want a ring and him stressing about money and us delaying the time, that I don''t even want it anymore.

Sorry for the longness (I did do an edit and try and make it shorter, lol!), and the venting, but I thought some of the "in waiting" girls might understand me the best ... I know everyone here feels like they are "waiting", but any advice on how to not feel so sad about the whole situation?

 

[sweetnghtmr]

I''m so sorry to hear about your letdown. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Your guy does sound completely wonderful, and obviously wants the best for you :.) However, I understand your disapointment as well. Just think, when the time does come you''ll have a head full of diamond knowledge! You''ll be able to go and get exactly what you want without any second thoughts... and even though the waiting can be excruciating think about the end result! You''ll be going into a secure committment with a beautiful ring to boot!!! Everything you''ll be getting for all this waiting will prove to be well worth it. Has he thought about a proposal w/out the ring? That way when your friends ask you can just say "Yah, it''s offical and we''re working on picking out the perfect ring as we speak." But some men are hard headed when it comes to that and think that a ring is a neccessity. Well, just and idea. I''m sure things will look up real soon, I hope I was able to at least make you feel a little bit better...

 

[Buena Girl]

Oh, hon, I''m so sorry! Not only do you have the stress of moving to a new country, but you have to deal with LIW anxiety, too. Please feel free to vent any time you need to. There are a lot of ladies here who offer great advice!

Waiting for your guy to save up for a ring just plain sucks!!! Someone should print it on a t-shirt-> it would sell like hotcakes. There are a few options: temporary cz, proposal w/out ring, buying your own, staying in Australia a little longer, etc...

But I''m guessing you have already planned to move here to the U.S., so that will definitely happen. And if you move here and are out of work for a time, then you would have no money to put towards your ring. How would you feel if he got down on one knee and proposed without a ring? Or has he already done this? What is your opinion on a temp cz ring? Or is your b/f very determined to give you a diamond ring when he proposes? Whooops, that''s a lot of questions

Basically, I was wondering if you could give us a little more information about what you two have decided. Is it that you will not be engaged until you have a diamond ring. Period. ??

Do the two of you have to move in together right away? One of my coworkers (this was like 5 or 6 years ago) was living at home and her boyfriend moved to her city to be close to her. Her parents knew their relationship was solid and that he intended to buy her a ring and propose to her. They offered him their basement to live in so that he could save up money. Within a year, they were engaged. And lived at her parents until they got married. Now they have their own house and kids and are doing very well. This situation is a bit stressfull, though, since it would be harder for you two to have relaxing alone time. Is it a possibility for you? Could you both stay with one of his relatives for a while before saving up for your own place and everything that you would need for it?

 

[icekid]

you''ve already received some fab advice from a couple other LIW, but i just thought i would second buena girl''s ideas. is there no possibility of getting engaged without the ring, or with a temp ring??

i am actually considering doing some variation of that. i am in med school and bf moved 400 miles when i started school. so money has been fairly tight, and we''re just starting to get on our feet again with moving and changing jobs etc. so i''m thinking that we may buy the rock and put it in a temp setting and then save up for my fabulous leon mege setting. it just seems important to get engaged soon... we live together, and then i can start planning the wedding (which will be a pain from 400 miles away + crazy school).

have you discussed w/ your bf yet? maybe if he knew how badly you want to be engaged before moving we could figure out something to accomodate you... talk to him!

i bet you guys can figure something out so you''ll both feel happy and secure when you make the big move.

 

[michela002]

Thanks sweetnghtmr and Buena Girl.

As for a proposal without a ring: that would have been fine with me if we had never talked about getting engaged before. (And I don''t think he''d be closed to the idea either.) I like the idea of a surprise proposal without a ring, then you get the ring afterwards so the girl gets tons of input. But by now (and knowing I wouldn''t get the ring for another year) I don''t want that. Being engaged is basically agreeing to get married, right? Well, as someone told me a while ago, we are for all intensive purposes engaged without the ring already ... I''ve already heard the "I want to marry you". So a "proposal" without a ring would be nothing more than enforcing the status quo.

I can''t wait to move from Australia ... long distance is hard and by the time I move there we will have been together for two years. I would have moved far earlier, but I graduate at the end of this year so I''m just waiting till I graduate then I move there. Plus when I graduate I''d have to get a job here, then leave it very soon and get a brand new one in the US ... it wouldn''t just be me staying put. When I graduate it''s a big time, and I''d rather get all the big life changes over and done with.

Buying my own ring is (unfortunately) out of the question. I am insanely broke (college student.) I bought myself a $45 man-made sapphire and CZ sterling silver ring over Easter and that was a jewelry splurge! (Partly to give myself something sparkly to wear, even if its fake. It''s pretty though. Lol!)

We don''t have the option of not moving out together because his parents (the only option) have a very very very small two-bedroom retirement home that''s like an hour and a half away from my boyfriend''s work. He lives there now (to save money) but sometimes has to sleep on the couch because his brother also crashes there four nights a week, and the commute is killing him now ... I can''t imagine stretching it out for longer. So we have to get a place.

I''m not really into the CZ temp engagement ring ... I think it would feel fake and I think I''d still feel like I was waiting for the real thing ... A temp would be okay for a short time, but a year is a long time to wear a fake (for me.)

Basically yeah I guess we are not really engaged until we have the diamond ring ... because if its possible to be "unofficially" engaged we already are, so there''s nowhere left to go.

It''s just frustrating because I thought it was far sooner than it is.

It makes sense to wait. He is so sensible, and he is so sweet and wonderful, and he knows that change and uncertainty scare me and he''s trying to make sure that when I get to America we have some stability and everything is secure and we won''t be living on the street if I don''t find a job in the first three days. I appreciate everything he is doing, it just really threw me when I found out it was so far away ... I wouldn''t have told anyone if I had known that, because it makes me feel like a fraud. My sister, all my friends, even my co-workers know! The only people who don''t are my extended family and parents. Even all his family know. My mom says to me jokingly, "Gee you might have to marry him," and I want to be able to say, "Well I''m planning on it", but I can''t say it. Not when it''s not real.

He is wonderful, and I understand his reasoning, and hey maybe that will mean by the time it comes around I can get something even better than the wonderful ring I already know I can make work in our budget

but it''s just hard feeling like I''m engaged, and not being able to talk about things like hey why don''t we get married in Hawaii? To me, you don''t talk about a wedding till you''re engaged. I understand, it''s just a bit of a shock.

 

[AndyRosse]

How about getting a small solitare ring or maybe a promise type of ring? A friend of mine recently was given a $200 white gold ring with a 1/5 ct. princess cut stone that she is absolutely in love with! She wouldn't trade it for the world because it was the ring he chose to give her at this point in his life. And when the time comes when he can afford to splurge on a bigger rock, then maybe he will, but right now she is more than content with her ring.

I really cannot help thinking that if you have found the man of your dreams, why let a silly ring get you and him so upset?

If I really wanted to be engaged to my bf but we couldn't afford a ring, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he proposed with a twisty tie! It's the man that I want, not the ring. The ring is quite dispensible, while (hopefully) the man is not.

If you guys want to officially walk around saying "fiance" and "fiancee" then why not let him propose without a ring, with a simple band, or with a smaller stone?? Then your engagement would be legit, you would have something on your finger, and then you could keep talking about an upgrade engagement ring and the wedding without feeling like it's all a "fraud." That way, when the time comes next year when you guys can afford the ring you want, you can get it and move this original ring to your right hand.

I guess that all I'm trying to say is that a ring doesn't make an engagement more legit or less fraudulent than not having a ring. Let him propose with what you guys can afford now if an engagement means so much to you now. If you can wait, then go ahead and wait for next year, but otherwise, why don't you two make an official promise to get married without an expensive piece of metal and rock??

 

[michela002]

Date: 4/2/2005 9:49:16 PM
Author: Stretch4

I really cannot help thinking that if you have found the man of your dreams, why let a silly ring get you and him so upset?

Oh I totally agree. I think part of what is bothering me is that it''s bothering me!! Lol. I don''t want to be upset about whether or not I have a piece of jewelry, when I have my boyfriend who is awesome.

But, that said - it is still important to me. I have a bracelet he gave me, and every time I look at it, I think of him and it never fails to make me smile. I do think it''s important to have a ring as a promise (and I have bought him an engagement gift as well, so he has something from me to him). And I know (as he has told me many times) that its also important to him that he give me a ring. In some ways I can be traditional, and my family is, and it matters to me - not for the money but for the sentiment and for the message it sends. I like the idea of wearing something that says, "I''ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and he''s wonderful and I have no interest in looking elsewhere", and the world can see it.

I have told him (when I think he''s stressing over "oh my god she wants something I can''t afford") whatever the budget is, I will work completely within it! I''m not demanding something that''s not possible. Tell me the budget, I will find what I like within it. Fine.

As for getting something simpler or a promise ring etc ... in all honesty, if I''m not getting "my" ring (i.e. my dream ring within his budget) I''d rather not get one, I''d rather just wear a wedding band, or I''d rather wait till I can get "my" ring. If I can''t do something properly (i.e. the ring) I''d rather forgo it.

Its just the fact that the time frame has completely shifted ... and I wish we''d waited till far later to talk about it. I think it''s just that now, it''s been so long that we have been talking about being engaged, that I am mentally past a point where I can say "just propose without the ring" - because (in not quite so many words) he''s done that.

I don''t want to fixate on the ring, because that''s not the important thing, and I''m partly upset that I''m upset! Lol. I just don''t like the feeling of waiting, and so I wish I''d known earlier that it would be this far away (so I wouldn''t have started looking at rings, and wouldn''t have told people.) Whether I should or not, I do consider it official once you''ve exchanged your engagement gifts, i.e. the ring and whatever he gives you.

 

[AndyRosse]

Well, I totally see where you are coming from, your reasoning, etc...

But I can''t help but disagree... I would marry my fiance without an engagement ring and a wedding ring if I had to! I think society today has made everyone think that having an actual ring or engagement present or wedding ring symbolizes a person''s love for the other. What does it really matter?? I know I love this man, he knows he loves me...I know that we are engaged or married, he knows it too. That is all that should matter. The ring is just a secondary object that has become associated with a person''s love unfortunately...

 

[michela002]

Date: 4/2/2005 10:38:56 PM
Author: Stretch4

I know I love this man, he knows he loves me...I know that we are engaged or married, he knows it too. That is all that should matter.

But it also matters not just that he and I know we''re engaged/married/inlove, but that others do - rings are symbolic of that, a statement to the rest of the world (whether they be $99 or diamond rings.) That''s kind of the whole point of an engagement and marriage: telling the rest of the world. Otherwise, why bother doing it, when you can just tell each other in private? If it was just between the two of you, you wouldn''t bother inviting anyone, or require witnesses, or a priest/justice of the peace, etc.

 

[windy1365]

I would tell him that I just can''t wait until then to get engaged, and for him to get you an inexpensive ring as your engagement ring. Then, after you are married and settled, get yourself the ring that you really want. I don''t see the point in putting off an engagement b/c you can''t get the perfect ring right now. If you are not comfortable with getting a CZ, what about a pink sapphire or something else as the center stone?

You are taking a huge step for him by moving out of your country... so I see nothing wrong with getting a commitment (engagement ring) first.

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 4/2/2005 10:52:32 PM
Author: Indecisive

Date: 4/2/2005 10:38:56 PM
Author: Stretch4

I know I love this man, he knows he loves me...I know that we are engaged or married, he knows it too. That is all that should matter.

But it also matters not just that he and I know we''re engaged/married/inlove, but that others do - rings are symbolic of that, a statement to the rest of the world (whether they be $99 or diamond rings.) That''s kind of the whole point of an engagement and marriage: telling the rest of the world. Otherwise, why bother doing it, when you can just tell each other in private? If it was just between the two of you, you wouldn''t bother inviting anyone, or require witnesses, or a priest/justice of the peace, etc.

So if that is what you want, why wait for the expensive ring when you could get an intricate band for now?? What different purpose is served by walking around with a larger diamond besides it saying to people not only are we engaged but one of us has money to spend?

I''m not trying to be confrontational, I guess I just see this a bit differently than you...

 

[icekid]

i agree w/ stretch and windy... why not something small, and less expensive for now? you said it''s just for show anyway- so everyone else knows! and it doesn''t have to be fake, as in CZ. you could get a nice colored gemstone. and like stretch said, i would be engaged/ marry my bf without any ring. it''s only him that i want! and honestly, i don''t care if everyone else knows. i want the marriage. who cares what everyone else thinks??? your engagement/ marriage is not made more legitimate by some expensive piece of metal or rock. and don''t get me wrong, i do want a ring! but mostly i want what comes with it... your relationship is between you and your bf. what do you have to prove to the world?

 

[doxiemom]

I understand where you are coming from as I have been there, and at the time I even told my now DH I would say yes with a sapphire ring! Right now there are so many options out there for "engagement rings". I know you don''t want to be proposed with anything but the real deal but have you seriously concidered other "temporary" options? You said "But it also matters not just that he and I know we''re engaged/married/inlove, but that others do - rings are symbolic of that, a statement to the rest of the world (whether they be $99 or diamond rings.) " So if you want a symbol to show the rest of the world, why not just get something affordable for you both for the time being? It will not make your engagement any less or fraudulant in any way, I promise.

So many people have been married and engaged with out rings. Neither of my husbands parents wear their rings and they have been married 28 years!

Just for example:

$246.00 1 ct moissanite six prong ring in white gold

 

[MissAva]

Are you having second thoughts? Are you afriad that if you come over to the USA without a ring that perhaps you will never get one? It just seems strange that with everything else that is at risk here a ring has become such a large focus....perhaps we are just not understanding 100%?

 

[michela002]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

No, no second thoughts Matatora. It''s not that I think I wouldn''t get one at all, it''s very much just a money thing. If he had the money he would have proposed a long time ago. But in saving up for me to move (and of course paying of student loans as all Americans have to do

) it hasn''t been feasible.

In the end, I would rather wait, and get my dream ring at the end of it, than get something I''m less than 100% happy with ... a lot of time has been building up to this so far, so anything less than that would feel like an anti-climax, like, "I was so desperate to get engaged I rushed it and did a half-assed job." I, personally, would just prefer to wait till next year if that''s what we have to do, so I''m not that into the idea of a temporary ring, even though yes I have considered it.

What has confused me is the time line changing - for very sensible reasons, and I understand - but I''m struggling to catch up in my expectations now. It''s not feasible to do it now, it''s just that I didn''t know it wasn''t feasible. I will get my head around it and it''ll be fine, it''s just that it''s taking me some time to catch up.

 

[Layne]

"But it transpired in a recent conversation that because he is saving up for all that stuff, we will not be engaged until sometime next year, after we have dealt with all those sensible things and have the money for a ring."

"This really threw me. Before this he''d always said he wanted us to be engaged before I moved there, so that my family would know I was moving there for someone who would be there for me, etc, and wasn''t making a mistake. But I guess it just got pushed to next year, without me knowing it, and here I am, being an idiot and a fraud looking at rings and talking to my friends about diamonds and getting engaged, and by the time I''m engaged I will have been talking about this for more than 18 months."

"What has confused me is the time line changing - for very sensible reasons, and I understand - but I''m struggling to catch up in my expectations now."

I think the statements I quoted here show the real issue and I think its a big one!
I know expectations are huge in my marriage.
You two had agreed to get engaged before you moved and that is what you expected to happen- rightly so! Your decision on when to move was hinged on your engagement. You are moving away from your country, your family, everything you know right now to be with your boyfriend. I understand that he is trying to do what is best for both of you but in a major decision like this you should have been consulted first! Now is the time to lay your expectation out and talk about them. Some people care more about having a ring- it is a symbol that is important to alot of us. Some people care about having a wedding- others elope. Some people want a big house- others would rather have lots of vacations.

I don''t think you are a brat or a fraud. When you look back on this I doubt it will be as big of a deal as it is now. What I think matters is that you emphasie why this is a big problem for you and talk to your boyfriend about how you would have liked to be part of this decision. You should have been part of it.

 

[michela002]

You two had agreed to get engaged before you moved and that is what you expected to happen- rightly so! Your decision on when to move was hinged on your engagement.

While my decision to move isn''t tied up with being engaged (i.e. I didn''t have a whole "I want to be engaged before I move" mindset), I just didn''t think about it, because I thought we''d be engaged at a minimum six months before I moved so it wasn''t an issue. I didn''t think there was a question of whether or not we''d be engaged, we were just going to be. It''s not like I won''t move without being engaged (he already moved here for me, it''s just his Visa wouldn''t allow him to stay - but I have dual citizenship so I have the option of moving there), I just thought we would be. Thanks for the understanding though

Some people care more about having a ring- it is a symbol that is important to alot of us. Some people care about having a wedding- others elope. Some people want a big house- others would rather have lots of vacations.

Actually yeah that''s a good point. I''m not so into the big floofy formal white wedding - ours will probably be on a beach (Hawaii? Mexico?) and whoever wants to come can come! Very casual, small, inexpensive. But to me, I''d rather spend the money on the ring than on that one day ... I think it''s something I''ll look at and appreciate over the years I''m married more than I will remember my wedding every day. Don''t get me wrong, I think it''ll be a great day, I just won''t wanna spend a fortune on it. And I think that''s why the ring is important to me (but I don''t think I''m alone in that) - I''m going to wear it every day for the rest of my life. But I don''t want the huge wedding. I guess it''s just different approaches.

What I think matters is that you emphasie why this is a big problem for you and talk to your boyfriend about how you would have liked to be part of this decision. You should have been part of it.

Thank you Layne

You''re right, I think that''s why I''m having some trouble getting used to the idea. Beause it wasn''t a, "We''re going to have a lot of expenses, you know I love you and want to marry you, but what if we get engaged next year after we''ve dealt with the sensible stuff?" - it was more a case of him saying well we won''t be engaged till next year and me going, "Huh? Since when?"

Thanks everyone for listening to my rambles, I appreciate it.

 

[Layne]

yw!

Good luck with your conversations regarding this. I love the getting to know eachother deeply part of relationships. You learn so much about yourself and your mate.

 

[MissAva]

Now that you put it that way I realy see your point. blees your heart. Maybe you could send him the link...or you could go the traditonal route and just tell him how you feel. Maybe he wants to do a surprise proposal? I dont get it my self cuase surprises are scary to me but an awful lot of guys seem to think that the surprise of it all is vital and some girls (look up) seem to feel the same way.....

 

[michela002]

Thanks Layne, Matatora and everyone else. I think the venting helped my sanity

and thanks so much for listening.

 

[JCJD]

My fiance proposed without a ring and I wore a $8.88 cz ring from Walmart for a month until he saved up enough to buy me a diamond ring. He spent less than $2000 (I don''t know exactly), and it''s beautiful!! I did not feel fraudulent or fake in any way wearing a fake ring - WE are real, and that''s what counts. Trust me, you will be thrilled to just be engaged, and the ring will be extra icing on the cake. If you really want to be engaged, and you really want the ring of your dreams (who wouldn''t?!), but you don''t want to wait to get engaged until you can afford the ring, then you should just get engaged, screw our materialistic inclinations! The diamond ring is a symbol of your financial status, not a symbol of how much he loves you.

Good luck with this!! I struggled with it too, but in the end, he mattered more than the rock and I encouraged him to propose without one.

 

[Croí]

well, you all know I had to jump into this one !

just like JCJD my honey proposed without a ring, then bought a stone, we met the designer and jeweler about a setting and we''re going to finally get to see the test version of the design (in sterling) on Friday of this week ........ we''re getting married three weeks from Saturday !

in other words, I am probably going to get my engagement ring the week we get married - heck, our wedding rings may have arrived before my engagement ring ... and I couldn''t care less.

I haven''t needed a ring to tell the world how totally delirious I am about us being engaged, I''ve just used my voice to do that !

Don''t let this ''setback'' disappoint you. You are about to start a HUGE adventure with someone who sounds like a really great guy. There are women who would give their eye teeth to be in your position. I know it''s an irrational disappointment and that even you realise that but the key to getting on with things like that is to shift your focus. Take it off of this and shift it to something else. This kind of thing can eat at you if you let and it can ruin otherwise happy times. I almost made that mistake when back waiting for my proposal.
Now I''m goofy-happy, ALMOST ready to pack my bags to fly home, and marrying the man of my dreams ......... no jewelry to speak of !

just put a spin on things - your focus is what gives all things in your life their ''size''. this is big because you are making it big, but really it''s small when you think of the adventure you are about to embark on !

GOOD FOR YOU - think of that and enjoy every minute of planning to move and be with your love !

 

[michela002]

JCJD & Croi - thanks for the words of wisdom

and I know you are right. In a way I am already starting to calm down and be like, ah, whatever - I have my bf who I am so grateful for every day, and he and I know where we''re headed and we''ll get there soon enough

And congrats on your upcoming wedding Croi, I''m sure it will be the greatest day!!