My guy doesn''t get it

glitterazzi · Jul 20, 2008

Okay... first post here - bear with me. I''m a little frustrated, and unsure what to do.

History: I''m from a diamond enthusiast family. My Grandfather was a collector, my father is a collector - and my mom and sister and I don''t protest! Dad LOVES seeing his girls in diamonds, and while he tries not to spoil us too much(well, his daughters at least - ours are family heirlooms), he has pretty much adorned us in glitter over the years. The thing is, though... none of us have ever asked him for a diamond... not even my mom. He just loves them... and likes them large. He hates the last necklace he gave my mom because he let her pick it out and he thinks the stone is way too small (1ct princess with a halo). So - simply put, we have a basic love for diamonds - but love even more the joy my dad gets from giving them.

Okay - enough history - flash forward. My bf and I have started discussing marriage, and he is a planner/researcher... he knows NOTHING about diamonds, doesn''t get it, and really can''t bring himself to care too much. He''s started looking around (he insists on doing this on his own) - he is a status guy also, so he wants only the biggest and best, but as soon as he finds it he says he doesn''t get why anyone would spend money on something so silly. He knows my family''s love of diamonds - he''s seen all of our bling - and on that note he and I both know I would marry him with only a piece of twine on my finger - the marriage is not about the diamond... but the diamond is about the marriage.

So... I''m conflicted. I think I could lend a little experience and knowledge on this process, but he wants to do it alone - and I''m not the nagging type... I don''t want to pressure him. Do I send hints? Do I offer assistance? I have contact with Dad''s "diamond guy" - do I butt in? Or do I sit back and forget about it (knowing that I will be thrilled that he asked - regardless of what he asks with)?

Itgirl76 · Jul 20, 2008

Why don''t you try to send him over to this site? Small hints...he can ask his own questions and do it in his time...You just cant peek while he is in the process.

Shoopy · Jul 20, 2008

Why not ask him if he would be ok with you being part of the diamond search but leave the setting up to him? And you can narrow your search down to 3 stones and let him choose one so that its still a surprise and totally his decision.

february2003bride · Jul 20, 2008

Wow, how nice that your family will have some amazing heirlooms! If you are worried that your BF will get a poorly cut diamond, and think that your dad''s "diamond guy" would show him only ideal/excellent cut diamonds, here''s what I would do:

Me: "Hey honey, I know you want me to stay totally out of the ring buying process, and I LOVE that you want to surprise me, but I know my dad would be thrilled to help you! He knows a lot about diamonds and has a great diamond guy whom I trust. Could my dad e-mail you?"

Normally I would say a big-heck no to parent getting involved with the ring purchase but if your dad really knows his stuff and YOU trust the jeweler he uses, then I don''t see why your BF couldn''t take advantage of that? Assuming also that your dad knows your taste in jewelry

Arch · Jul 20, 2008

You should definitely drop some hints or tell him a little personal preference. You don''t want him overpaying for something you don''t care much for. He can save that money for the wedding or for a better aspect of the diamond. You''d be doing him and you a favor. You don''t have to hold his hand doing it or anything, just even something as simple as looking up the four c''s.

iheartscience · Jul 20, 2008

Oooh, that''s tough. Well, considering what he''s up against (your Dad giving you diamonds your entire life-lucky girl!) I would think he would welcome any assistance and would research his butt off!

I am the very direct type, so I would just break it down for him if it were me. (I should note that I did just this and my fiance agreed after a little convincing and let me pick everything out, so I''m biased!)

I would say "I know you want to do this on your own, but you haven''t done the research and I have! Why don''t you and I do this together? I would love to look at diamonds and settings with you and then have you surprise me with one!"

I don''t really see why he would object...the proposal can be a big huge surprise and that can be his thing. Diamonds cost way too much money to not do ample research! I would definitely try to talk to him about it and pass along your dad''s diamond guy. I would also offer up your dad''s services if you think he''d be willing to do some looking with your dad and not you.

Good luck and keep us posted! And while you''re around, how''s about posting some pics of your diamonds over in Show Me The Ring?!

reader · Jul 20, 2008

Or even, "You know, Dad would really love the chance to do a little father and son-in-law bonding...this might be the perfect time to get to know dad better.." Usually works when DH is clueless on something or dad feels ignored...

ydiamonds · Jul 20, 2008

It doesn''t sound like you lack bling or need bling, since you''ve never ask your Dad for a diamond. If you truly would marry your BF with only a piece of twine on your finger, then I think you should let him do this his way. He knows he can ask you or your Dad for help if he wanted to. I think that''s all you can do. Maybe he feels he can''t compete with your Dad, and letting him know he doesn''t have to and that you accept him as he is will go a long way.

Elegant · Jul 20, 2008

Date: 7/20/2008 9:30:13 PM
Author:glitterazzi
I'm conflicted. I think I could lend a little experience and knowledge on this process, but he wants to do it alone - and I'm not the nagging type... I don't want to pressure him. Do I send hints? Do I offer assistance? I have contact with Dad's 'diamond guy' - do I butt in? Or do I sit back and forget about it (knowing that I will be thrilled that he asked - regardless of what he asks with)?

Hello glitterazzi and Welcome!

,
Hmmm...well...If he truly wants to do it alone, and you respect that, and you are not the nagging type and don't want to be over bearing, and you don't want to pressure him, then I think you already answered your own question my dear!

Leave him be and give him the chance. He already probably feels pressure knowing your family's interest in diamonds, etc.

But...

I suspect that your last sentence with the question smiley indicates that maybe you are a TINY

bit afraid of what he might get because you are used to getting lots of diamond things...right, I mean, just a little afraid of what he might propose to you with given that he doesn't want anybody's expertise...

Right?

My bf hates jewelry, and from what I just found out really doesn't care that I like jewelry and probably never plans to propose to me...I would be scared to see what he came home with because of his lack of interest in what I want...

But, if you truly wouldn't care what he came home with, then please leave him to do his deed...

Haywood74 · Jul 20, 2008

Date: 7/20/2008 9:30:13 PM
Author:glitterazzi
- he is a status guy also, so he wants only the biggest and best, but as soon as he finds it he says he doesn''t get why anyone would spend money on something so silly.

Little tip for you from a guy about how guys sometimes see things....Put this into something that he can relate with....If he is into cars, ask him why a 1969 Mach 1 Mustang is worth so much more when it has a Cobra Jet engine in it than it does when it has a 351 in it (same car, different motor, 3 times the value).....If he is into baseball, ask him why someone would pay a certain person $5 million a year when there are hundreds of guys who are almost as good for way cheaper playing minor league ball....

The point is, put it into terminology that HE can relate with. Chances are that he will see the value in what you are trying to say to him. Your diamond means a bunch to you and maybe if you say something like this to him, he will see the value of what he will be purchasing in terms of sentiment instead of just dollar value. You get him to see things in those terms, and that may straighten everything out for you. If that doesn''t work, the give him a shape and the name of your favorite PS vendor that deals only top-shelf product and turn him loose.

Hope that helps in some small way!

motownmama · Jul 20, 2008

Let him do his own thing - he sounds like it''s important to him - he may just surprise you with how well he does!!!! I think he''s brave to take it on giiven your family''s knowledge of diamonds - he sounds like a very special guy !

glitterata · Jul 20, 2008

If I were the boyfriend of a girl whose father showered her with big, high-quality diamonds, I would be tempted to distinguish myself by offering a beautiful sapphire engagement ring, or maybe a ruby.

Jelly · Jul 20, 2008

If it were me, I would "butt" in and tell him what I wanted. I guess that''s just my personality though.

Does he know how your dad is an enthusiast? Definitely get them in touch and tell him that you will love him no matter what he picks. Or better yet, send him to Pricescope!

Gypsy · Jul 20, 2008

I''m a PITA but my guy did want to do it alone so I just gave him some guidelines. Can you do that?

Give him a shape, a color range, a clarity range (define eyeclean if you want an SI) and some guidelines on labs, and some specs, plus some pics of things you like (settings) AND some helpful links (to a few good diamond tutorials and to PS while you are at it).

Then just tell him you trust him and let him go for it. If you would marry him with twine, he must be special... so let him do his thing once you''ve guided him. I don''t think that''s butting in too much to give him a few guidelines. Plus you said he''s a researcher, so I think he''ll be totally able to take it from there.

If an upgrade policy is important to you, I''d mention that too BTW.

Mine knocked it out of the ballpark, and seeing what the guys on here manage to put together for their ladies, I''m sure you are going to be thrilled... just a little guide and then a little faith.

And welcome.. um, please be sure to post some of your collection (and your families) for us to see, we are always interested (and eager) to appreciate other''s good fortune and good taste!

Imdanny · Jul 20, 2008

Hi! My take but only since you asked is that if you were entirely comfortable with him doing his own thing perhaps you wouldn''t be asking us about it? I''m not entirely sure about this, but this is what it seems like to me.

Wow, this is a hard one, but after reading sooooo many posts about women who are not satisfied with their engagement ring for *all kinds* of reasons, put me down on the "butt in" side.

I know that he wants to do it himself, but better safe than sorry.

That''s my story and I''m sticking to it.

surfgirl · Jul 20, 2008

Date: 7/20/2008 9:30:13 PM
Author:glitterazzi
Or do I sit back and forget about it (knowing that I will be thrilled that he asked - regardless of what he asks with)?

I think before you decide what to do, you first need to be honest with yourself. This last sentence stood out to me because if you were being honest and if you really would be "thrilled that he asked" regardless of what the ring looks like, you wouldn''t be here asking for help on how to guide him so you get a ring you love. And probably a ring that your Father (and your family) will approve of, right?

So, assuming that''s really the honest bottom line, if he''s so into doing this alone that he doesn''t want your help, I doubt such a guy would want the help of his GFs father, especially since he probably knows your Father is a diamond enthusiast. Nothing deflates a male ego faster than intimating that the guy needs "help" on something he claims he''s got under control, you know? But you know him better than we do so only you can know if he''ll take offense or not. Is it common knowledge between him and your family that he''s starting to look at rings? If so, perhaps your Father can take him aside and ask him if he''d like some help...Then again, it sounds like your Father can afford nice bling and your BF might have a smaller budget and if that''s the case, I dont think he''d want his FFIL helping him buy an ering because he might feel like he''d get pressured into buying something above his budget.

Really, if you honestly would be happy no matter what, leave it alone and let him do it the way he wants to. But if it was me, no way would I leave it up to a guy. Sorry, but unless you''ve shopped together before and YOU have tried on many different shapes and styles, there''s no way he can know what looks best on you, let alone what you really love...unless you already know and you''ve told him. Then again, maybe your Father has given him a wonderful family heirloom diamond and you have nothing to worry about...

bgray · Jul 21, 2008

First--I think we need more facts to guide you and for you to giuide yourself:

You say your family is into diamonds: what does that mean? How large is your mom's e-ring? How large are the stones re the gifts your Dad has bought for you? Any big brands, ie tiffany etc? I ask this because maybe he is intimidated and nervous about the prices. Maybe about stacking up to your Dad. Maybe about outdoing your Dad............... Maybe your intended is status-y as you said but he is a bargain shopper and is embarassed that you or your family will think he is cheap. Lots of questions running through my mind here.

(Personally--my family was into jewelry but not diamonds per se. My husband thinks it a waste of money--all of it.Stinks for me!)

As for your dilemma, the Devil is in the details here I think.

purrfectpear · Jul 21, 2008

I don''t see any problem with telling him what sort of style, color of metal, and shape you like. I would leave the rest to him unless he asks. I personally find it unseemly to indicate size, color and clarity in anything but the most general terms because you might as well just say "spend XXX amount of money or I won''t be satisfied". That''s just my opinion.

NewEnglandLady · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/20/2008 9:30:13 PM
Author:glitterazzi

History: I''m from a diamond enthusiast family. My Grandfather was a collector, my father is a collector - and my mom and sister and I don''t protest! Dad LOVES seeing his girls in diamonds...

My bf...knows NOTHING about diamonds, doesn''t get it, and really can''t bring himself to care too much...he doesn''t get why anyone would spend money on something so silly.

I will be thrilled that he asked - regardless of what he asks with

These are the three things that stand out to me in your post: diamonds are something your father loves, your current boyfriend isn''t interested in diamonds, nor does he want to spend money on them and you would be happy even with a piece of twine.

So...why not consider something other than a diamond? Maybe a sapphire ring? It would be unique and it could be something both you and your boyfriend love.

rcrosier · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/20/2008 9:30:13 PM
Author:glitterazzi

Okay - enough history - flash forward. My bf and I have started discussing marriage, and he is a planner/researcher... he knows NOTHING about diamonds, doesn''t get it, and really can''t bring himself to care too much. He''s started looking around (he insists on doing this on his own) - he is a status guy also, so he wants only the biggest and best, but as soon as he finds it he says he doesn''t get why anyone would spend money on something so silly. He knows my family''s love of diamonds - he''s seen all of our bling - and on that note he and I both know I would marry him with only a piece of twine on my finger - the marriage is not about the diamond... but the diamond is about the marriage.

So... I''m conflicted. I think I could lend a little experience and knowledge on this process, but he wants to do it alone - and I''m not the nagging type... I don''t want to pressure him. Do I send hints? Do I offer assistance? I have contact with Dad''s ''diamond guy'' - do I butt in? Or do I sit back and forget about it (knowing that I will be thrilled that he asked - regardless of what he asks with)?

I think that you should trust your boyfriend. You know him better than any of us PS people do, but it sounds to me (from what you described) like he will get you something nice, despite feeling like it is silly.

Does your boyfriend seem like the type who tries to impress your parents? If so, I think you have nothing to worry about. Will he try to impress you? If so, ditto...

I think that you answered you own question here. Just sit back and let it play out. If your BF is like me, he might just be giving you a hard time -- meaning that in a playful way. He might be trying to make you think he isn''t going to get you much, just to make it all the better when he does. Either way, if he wants to do it himself, I would let him. Some guys like to include their GFs in the process. Others, like myself, ask them what they like then go at it alone. I personally felt that me choosing the diamond and setting, while keeping her desires in mind, is what will make it special (I have purchased, but haven''t proposed yet)...

dockman3 · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/21/2008 1:08:17 AM
Author: Gypsy
I''m a PITA but my guy did want to do it alone so I just gave him some guidelines. Can you do that?

Give him a shape, a color range, a clarity range (define eyeclean if you want an SI) and some guidelines on labs, and some specs, plus some pics of things you like (settings) AND some helpful links (to a few good diamond tutorials and to PS while you are at it).

Then just tell him you trust him and let him go for it. If you would marry him with twine, he must be special... so let him do his thing once you''ve guided him. I don''t think that''s butting in too much to give him a few guidelines. Plus you said he''s a researcher, so I think he''ll be totally able to take it from there.

If an upgrade policy is important to you, I''d mention that too BTW.

Mine knocked it out of the ballpark, and seeing what the guys on here manage to put together for their ladies, I''m sure you are going to be thrilled... just a little guide and then a little faith.

And welcome.. um, please be sure to post some of your collection (and your families) for us to see, we are always interested (and eager) to appreciate other''s good fortune and good taste!

I agree with everything Gypsy said. I would give him shape, color range, clarity range and let him go. Tell him if you prefer white or yellow jewelery, if he doesn''t know already, and that''s it. He should be able to handle it from there. If he really is a researcher, he''ll probably find this place anyway and read up on the different labs. If you want a RB, he''ll probably find the crown/pavilion angles that are good combos. I say show some faith, but give him at least some guidelines.

partgypsy · Jul 21, 2008

I know this sounds stupid, but what exactly are your concerns?

Are you concerned that
1) he will get a diamond that you will not like?
2) a diamond that is poorer quality/smaller that you would like?
3) that he needs guidance and information?
4) or a diamond that is not up to your family standards and that will either make him look bad or you will be embarrassed due to this?

If it is 1-2, simply have more communication about what your preferences are. I am assuming you have some idea of his finances and what is reasonable. There have been a number of debates about how much information to convey, especially regarding size, and I''m not going to get into that here. Myself I would feel totally comfortable asking my to-be what is the price range we are talking about and give him preferences in that range.

If it is 3 then definitely send him over here. Who knows, if he is a researcher he may actually find it addicting!

4) well the way I see this, is that an engagement ring is something between a man and his intended. Maybe there are issues where he feels intimidated by your family''s history, and though it would be a blast if your future fiance and father bonded over this, I think this is something that your boyfriend should initiate, not your father, rather than you risk your Dad ending up picking out your ring. Do you really want your Dad picking out your ring? And maybe your boyfriend feeling intimidated and resentful of that? A ring is a symbol of your new life together as husband and wife, creating a new family unit. Personally as long as your are happy with your relationship with your boyfriend and that projects onto your ring, really your family has no reason to judge what he gives you for an engagement ring. I hope you feel the same.

somehowcollide · Jul 21, 2008

I''m with the camp that says you should trust him to choose the right ring for you. It seems like you already own, or will stand to inherit, gorgeous pieces. And if everything you said was true, then the importance for you lies in the meaning behind the jewelry, not the jewelry itself.

If, however, there is a possibility that you will be less than happy with what he could choose for you, you should share your apprehensions. If you''ll really be happy with "only a piece of twine" then you have nothing to worry about, right?

NeverEndingUpgrade · Jul 21, 2008

Considering that you will be wearing your e-ring ring probably every day of your life, I don't see anything wrong with talking directly to your FFI about the situation. You said two things that sound conflicted to me: "he really can't bring himself to care too much", yet "he wants to do it alone." Maybe I am reading too much into this, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Is he really wanting to buy you a new diamond? Or would he be OK with using one of your family heirlooms for your e-ring (assuming there is one available)? That would free up his money to buy a nice wedding set, maybe one that he picks out. Would he agree to that? I think you should talk to him before he plops down his hard earned money for something you'll never be happy with and is not returnable. At least ask him to visit GoodOldGold.com, Whiteflash.com, JamesAllen.com or NiceIce.com to see what great diamonds he could get, much better values than mall stores.

glitterazzi · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/21/2008 8:35:02 AM
Author: bgray
First--I think we need more facts to guide you and for you to giuide yourself:

You say your family is into diamonds: what does that mean? How large is your mom''s e-ring? How large are the stones re the gifts your Dad has bought for you? Any big brands, ie tiffany etc? I ask this because maybe he is intimidated and nervous about the prices. Maybe about stacking up to your Dad. Maybe about outdoing your Dad............... Maybe your intended is status-y as you said but he is a bargain shopper and is embarassed that you or your family will think he is cheap. Lots of questions running through my mind here.

Well... when I say we''re into diamonds... we''re not really picky! My moms are a 2.75ct. sol. and a 4ct. antique that I can''t even describe (4 ct center completely surrounded with pave, but not a halo - I''ll try to find a pic). My sister and I each have a 1.5 ct sol. But we all also have diamond bands that have more sentimental value than monetary value. We''re not big brand name people... he likes things with history. He only buys new when he buys from friends, and he''d rather pay more for more stone, than for a name.

I think I''m obsessing too much... just like my bf would! I should probably step back and have faith. My only concerns are my own views on what is right for different sized stones. There are some beautiful settings that just don''t look right with a small stone - they are made to be massive. And some that would look rediculous with a large stone. I don''t know if I can convey which is which to him without being there to see it. What he''s shown me has been exactly what I have been admiring, I just want him to know he can find some great things with a little research. Thanks for your help guys... and thanks for any help he gets along the way too!

glitterazzi · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/21/2008 3:19:04 PM
Author: part gypsy
I know this sounds stupid, but what exactly are your concerns?

Are you concerned that

1) he will get a diamond that you will not like?

2) a diamond that is poorer quality/smaller that you would like?

3) that he needs guidance and information?

4) or a diamond that is not up to your family standards and that will either make him look bad or you will be embarrassed due to this?

I think my biggest concern is that he''ll get something that is great, but isn''t me... and HE''LL be disappointed! I''ve got sparkles and I know that as much as I love them... they don''t create my happiness... you can''t buy it, you know. But I would be devistated if HE was disappointed in my admiration for the ring. I can put on a good face, but it will show - I have friends who SWEAR they love their rings... and even I know they don''t like anything about it. He''s seen me floored before...I want my love for his token to be worth every penny he spends on it.

glitterazzi · Jul 21, 2008

Date: 7/21/2008 5:00:57 PM
Author: NeverEndingUpgrade
Considering that you will be wearing your e-ring ring probably every day of your life, I don''t see anything wrong with talking directly to your FFI about the situation. You said two things that sound conflicted to me: ''he really can''t bring himself to care too much'', yet ''he wants to do it alone.'' Maybe I am reading too much into this, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Is he really wanting to buy you a new diamond? Or would he be OK with using one of your family heirlooms for your e-ring (assuming there is one available)? That would free up his money to buy a nice wedding set, maybe one that he picks out. Would he agree to that? I think you should talk to him before he plops down his hard earned money for something you''ll never be happy with and is not returnable. At least ask him to visit GoodOldGold.com, Whiteflash.com, JamesAllen.com or NiceIce.com to see what great diamonds he could get, much better values than mall stores.

I think I''ve done my part on some of this. I''ve voiced my opinion of mall stores, and jewelry chains to him before. Pretty much I''ve told him that if he see''s it on TV or in an ad... I don''t want it. I''ve also let him know that mall stores will charge 4x the value, and if he looks in the right places he can get 4x the ring instead. I guess I''ve done all I can. I mentioned talking to dad (which I think he actually retained), and he has the name of Dad''s diamond guy. I guess it''s up to the God''s from here! Thanks everyone!

LtlFirecracker · Jul 21, 2008

I think you are right. Faith is really the best thing here, as you have made your preferences known and now the ball is in his court. I know this is hard because you love diamonds, but try to think about the ring as a symbol of what you represent as a couple. It sounds like it is not that you want an exact size, shape ect. It sounds like you want to be floored by the ring so that your boyfriend can be pleased with himself. You want to be happy to make him happy, that is a good thing.

If he has impressed you before, there is no reason he can''t do it again. When it finally does happen, I would love to see pics of your new ring. Oh yeah, I would love to see the other rings in your collection too

.

wandamas · Jul 22, 2008

glitterazzi - I was very nervous about what I would get as I wear the pants in my relationship and make all the major decisions. Not that my BF wouldn''t mean to get me something nice but wouldn''t even know what to expect for what price.

So I did my own research just so I could educate myself and then I went over guidelines with him, the 4 c''s, that I wanted an antique stone, what things to look out for. Lastly I found a variety of styles that I liked even if it was a ring from an avon catalog just to give him and idea of a style I liked. And boy did he do a great job and it was still a surprise, I had no idea what he got or when I was going to get it, but I rest assured that i at least guided him in the right direction. Eventually he told me to back off and I knew he had it from there.

My guy doesn''t get it

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