my girlfriend is looking at diamonds, but...

[iluvcarats]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:04:51 AM
Author: doctork
Wow, I didn''t mean to spur up a debate like this! It''s good to see different point of views though. To me, when I hear girls talking about how they picked out the ring and told their man to buy it, or told their friend to tell him what they liked I think it''s pretty selfish of them. I think a proposal is the ultimate way of a man giving himself to the woman. All the work he puts in to choosing the right ring to ''impress her''. It''s like the male peacocks showing off his feathers to the female peacocks (along with a million other animal examples). If a woman can''t see the love put into the ring and see the beauty that the man sees then we have a problem. It shouldn''t be a matter of whether the woman likes the size, style, color, etc or not. The fact of the matter is, the woman should love and cherish anything her man gets him no ifs, ands, or buts. Just my opinion.

"The woman" and "The man" should love EACH OTHER "no ifs, and, or buts", but the rest is just material things. Sounds to me that you are allowed to have your opinion, but she isn''t allowed to have hers. Wouldn''t her true happiness be enough to make you happy too? Just my opinion.

 

[doctork]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
So you''re saying that if, for example, your GF bought you a sweater for your birthday . . . the most hideous sweater you''ve ever seen in your life . . . you''d wear it and love it, just because she gave it to you?

No, that is completely different. A ring is a ultimate thing a man can do for his woman. He puts (should) a ton of thought and work into getting just the right ring. A sweater for your birthday is a poor poor comparison.

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Here''s how my DH did it: We had already discussed getting engaged, and we both agreed that we wanted to do this ASAP. We looked for a ring together, and found one that we both loved. We bought the ring, and he kept it hidden somewhere in our house. (I still don''t know where it was! LOL!) Then, a couple months later, he surprised me with the proposal. And I was COMPLETELY surprised! So it worked out great for us . . . he got to surprise me, and I got a ring that I absolutely love.

To me, that''s just so superficial. You''re more worried about what the ring looks like, what your friends will think of it, how it''ll match with your clothes, than about the real meaning behind the ring. Sure you have to wear it for the rest of your life, but of your SO loves how a ring looks and thinks it will look great on you, can''t you see the beauty that he sees? You''re going to spend the rest of your life next to this man, you should be like one person.

Of course, not every man puts the work in that he should. I''m sure some would just goto a jeweler in the mall and ask the sales lady what he should buy. If the man can''t even put work into it..then...I don''t know what to say. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule. I just know how I personally *think* it should be done.

 

[doctork]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:32:04 AM
Author: iluvcarats
'The woman' and 'The man' should love EACH OTHER 'no ifs, and, or buts', but the rest is just material things. Sounds to me that you are allowed to have your opinion, but she isn't allowed to have hers. Wouldn't her true happiness be enough to make you happy too? Just my opinion.

I agree with that part about the material things. I think there are multiple ways to view it. If you see it like that, then go ahead and pick out the ring together, buy it together, and have a dinner to celebrate the engagement. Why open the bag, then close it for a while, then open it again with a surprise proposal?

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:38:10 AM
Author: doctork

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
So you''re saying that if, for example, your GF bought you a sweater for your birthday . . . the most hideous sweater you''ve ever seen in your life . . . you''d wear it and love it, just because she gave it to you?

No, that is completely different. A ring is a ultimate thing a man can do for his woman. He puts (should) a ton of thought and work into getting just the right ring. A sweater for your birthday is a poor poor comparison.

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Here''s how my DH did it: We had already discussed getting engaged, and we both agreed that we wanted to do this ASAP. We looked for a ring together, and found one that we both loved. We bought the ring, and he kept it hidden somewhere in our house. (I still don''t know where it was! LOL!) Then, a couple months later, he surprised me with the proposal. And I was COMPLETELY surprised! So it worked out great for us . . . he got to surprise me, and I got a ring that I absolutely love.

To me, that''s just so superficial. You''re more worried about what the ring looks like, what your friends will think of it, how it''ll match with your clothes, than about the real meaning behind the ring. Sure you have to wear it for the rest of your life, but of your SO loves how a ring looks and thinks it will look great on you, can''t you see the beauty that he sees? You''re going to spend the rest of your life next to this man, you should be like one person.

Of course, not every man puts the work in that he should. I''m sure some would just goto a jeweler in the mall and ask the sales lady what he should buy. If the man can''t even put work into it..then...I don''t know what to say. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule. I just know how I personally *think* it should be done.

1. OK. I admit that the sweater analogy wasn''t the best, but it was all I could think of at the time. A better analogy would be: Is she going to pick out your wedding band for you? Since that''s something with GREAT meaning, that you will (I assume) wear for the rest of your life, wouldn''t you appreciate having a say in what it looks like?

2. I''m really impressed at your mind-reading skills! I had no idea that you just KNEW why I *insisted* on being involved in the ring decision . . . so it would match my clothes and impress my friends. That''s exactly right. Gee, I only wish I''d made him get me a BLUE diamond to match my eyes!!! For what it''s worth, DH picked out his own wedding band, and so did I. We''re both SOOOOO superficial ~ I guess we deserve each other!

And, yes, I''m going to spend the rest of my life with him. He is the most important thing in the world to me, and I would have happily married him WITHOUT ANY RING AT ALL if we couldn''t afford/didn''t want rings. But, we are not "like one person." We are two individuals who love each other and CHOOSE to be together. I still have my own identity, and so does he.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:47:31 AM
Author: doctork

Date: 6/25/2008 10:32:04 AM

Author: iluvcarats

''The woman'' and ''The man'' should love EACH OTHER ''no ifs, and, or buts'', but the rest is just material things. Sounds to me that you are allowed to have your opinion, but she isn''t allowed to have hers. Wouldn''t her true happiness be enough to make you happy too? Just my opinion.

I agree with that part about the material things. I think there are multiple ways to view it. If you see it like that, then go ahead and pick out the ring together, buy it together, and have a dinner to celebrate the engagement. Why open the bag, then close it for a while, then open it again with a surprise proposal?

Don''t think I quite follow you....

 

[doctork]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:50:51 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 6/25/2008 10:38:10 AM

Author: doctork

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM

Author: Irishgrrrl

So you''re saying that if, for example, your GF bought you a sweater for your birthday . . . the most hideous sweater you''ve ever seen in your life . . . you''d wear it and love it, just because she gave it to you?

No, that is completely different. A ring is a ultimate thing a man can do for his woman. He puts (should) a ton of thought and work into getting just the right ring. A sweater for your birthday is a poor poor comparison.

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM

Author: Irishgrrrl

Here''s how my DH did it: We had already discussed getting engaged, and we both agreed that we wanted to do this ASAP. We looked for a ring together, and found one that we both loved. We bought the ring, and he kept it hidden somewhere in our house. (I still don''t know where it was! LOL!) Then, a couple months later, he surprised me with the proposal. And I was COMPLETELY surprised! So it worked out great for us . . . he got to surprise me, and I got a ring that I absolutely love.

To me, that''s just so superficial. You''re more worried about what the ring looks like, what your friends will think of it, how it''ll match with your clothes, than about the real meaning behind the ring. Sure you have to wear it for the rest of your life, but of your SO loves how a ring looks and thinks it will look great on you, can''t you see the beauty that he sees? You''re going to spend the rest of your life next to this man, you should be like one person.


Of course, not every man puts the work in that he should. I''m sure some would just goto a jeweler in the mall and ask the sales lady what he should buy. If the man can''t even put work into it..then...I don''t know what to say. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule. I just know how I personally *think* it should be done.

1. OK. I admit that the sweater analogy wasn''t the best, but it was all I could think of at the time. A better analogy would be: Is she going to pick out your wedding band for you? Since that''s something with GREAT meaning, that you will (I assume) wear for the rest of your life, wouldn''t you appreciate having a say in what it looks like?


2. I''m really impressed at your mind-reading skills! I had no idea that you just KNEW why I *insisted* on being involved in the ring decision . . . so it would match my clothes and impress my friends. That''s exactly right. Gee, I only wish I''d made him get me a BLUE diamond to match my eyes!!! For what it''s worth, DH picked out his own wedding band, and so did I. We''re both SOOOOO superficial ~ I guess we deserve each other!

And, yes, I''m going to spend the rest of my life with him. He is the most important thing in the world to me, and I would have happily married him WITHOUT ANY RING AT ALL if we couldn''t afford/didn''t want rings. But, we are not ''like one person.'' We are two individuals who love each other and CHOOSE to be together. I still have my own identity, and so does he.

Hehe, I''ve now learned that there are 3 things we should never talk about. Religion, politics, and diamond rings. Obviously everyone has their own strong feelings on this topic. And really, every situation is really different. There are a million variables involved in every equation. For me, my girlfriend and I are extremely extremely close. The number of hours we have been apart in the last 3 years is under 100. So for us it''s not a big deal to have me pick out the ring. She wants it that way, we have talked about it. But it''s like at Christmas when you say you want to know what you got, but deep down you want to be surprised.

She will most definitely be picking out my wedding band, I''d have no problem with that.

 

[cara]

Isn''t it selfish of you to want complete control over the choice of ring that she will wear? Why is it "selfish" for a woman to have input into the styling of a gift given to her? Doesn''t it make for a better gift if the ring is to her styling preferences? Wouldn''t someone who wants to give the perfect ring actually consult the recipient about their preferences in order to get their opinion? I get that some couples really value the surprise proposal (which I do not) and some women would prefer her partner to pick out a ring magically to her taste without her input but...

this "She will have NO input - I will buy it and she will like it" attitude is really off-putting.

Presumably she will love it for the person who gave it to her, but don''t you also want her to love it for the ring design itself? Sorry, but there is no way to magically grow to love everything your spouse gives you for its inherent aesthetic qualities. Not without turning off some fundamental part of one''s brain.

Some women are picky. Some things look great in the magazine or in the case but not on a particular person. Some women don''t wear a lot of jewelry prior to getting engaged, leaving less clues about their taste for their partner to discern. Some men have no clue. Sometimes no amount of "work" a man might put into choosing the right ring would replace a little input from the person who will be wearing it. Some *women* have no clue what they would want until they go shopping. (Shouldn''t every woman get the opportunity to go ring shopping at some point in her life?) Some men have a clue and could guess something their love likes, but not divine the particular ring their love loves without some assistance or blind luck. Without involving the recipient in the decision, there is a flat-out limit in how well the average person is likely to do in guessing their partner''s taste.

Since you didn''t like the sweater analogy, made this one will do better:

I bought my guy an engagement bike. (He didn''t want a watch - see, I asked!) Yes, the symbolism is not as apparent to others and it probably woln''t last a lifetime. But, there is NO WAY I would have said: "Here''s your bike, honey! Its a symbol of how much I love you. I researched the heck out of it and know you so well, I''m sure it is perfect."

What if he wanted to say, "Gee, honey, that''s really sweet. It sure looks like something I would like and its a really popular brand. I''m sure all the bike shop guys recommended it, and it fits OK. Ouhhh... I see that the joints are all superbrazed to look all curvilinear. I know its a really small styling point, but I think that is a stupid waste of metal. I can see how you didn''t know I felt that way, as it looks really cool and most of my friend''s bikes are that style so I never said anything about it, and I''ll try to get over it. It''s pretty close to the perfect bike, it just doesn''t quite fit as well as this other bike I had secretly test rode last month. And its red. I know my old bike is red and I like red, its a nice red, but I had been thinking of black. A bit more subtle color now that I''m a little older..."

Does that make it clear? Some people are more practical, less sentimental. I want to give him the right gift because its the right gift - its the one he wants! Not something close to the right gift that he loves just because I picked it out for him. And the seat kind of bothers him for the next five years until he works up the nerve to change it out without telling me. Which you would probably judge a woman for doing to her engagement ring.

Clearly you are one of those people that think an engagement ring is all about the symbolism and sentiment. Whatever its aesthetic qualities, you expect your lady to love it because you picked it. I hope your lady has a similar attitude, and you do well enough in your choosing that it isn''t too hard for her...

 

[girlie-girl]

I find it ironic that you''re calling anyone in this thread "superficial" based on what you''ve told us about your lady.

"...she has been looking at websites, including Ebay! that have diamond rings for sale, that are like 7 carat total weight, 2.5-3carat center stone for $15,000...

"Also, she has mentioned that she wants to sacrifice color & inclusions and stuff like that in order to get a bigger rock. She has been looking at these 3-5 carat diamonds for like ~$20k."

You then turn right around and make a comment like this one in response to one of the posts.

"It shouldn''t be a matter of whether the woman likes the size, style, color, etc or not. The fact of the matter is, the woman should love and cherish anything her man gets him no ifs, ands, or buts. Just my opinion."

After telling us this:

She also mentioned that she thinks any diamond under 1.5 carats is small to her. I''m worried that a 2carat diamond will be unimpressive to her now after gawking at all these gigantic rocks."

So forgive me if I''m a bit confused here and I don''t mean to be rude... but come on.

All the comments about things that shouldn''t matter or how someone shouldn''t be, is EXACTLY how your lady appears to be (and what she thinks matters) based on what you''ve written about her.

"To me, that''s just so superficial. You''re more worried about what the ring looks like, what your friends will think of it, how it''ll match with your clothes, than about the real meaning behind the ring."

What do you think she''s worried about if she''s looking at 3-5 ct stones? Did she know ahead of time what you''d be willing to spend on a diamond? Or did she venture into the $20k range on her own? Good luck in finding the "perfect" ring that''ll be "impressive" enough.

I do wish you well and wanted to add I think the setting you showed us is lovely.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:28 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/25/2008 10:04:51 AM
Author: doctork
Wow, I didn't mean to spur up a debate like this! It's good to see different point of views though. To me, when I hear girls talking about how they picked out the ring and told their man to buy it, or told their friend to tell him what they liked I think it's pretty selfish of them. I think a proposal is the ultimate way of a man giving himself to the woman. All the work he puts in to choosing the right ring to 'impress her'. It's like the male peacocks showing off his feathers to the female peacocks (along with a million other animal examples). If a woman can't see the love put into the ring and see the beauty that the man sees then we have a problem. It shouldn't be a matter of whether the woman likes the size, style, color, etc or not. The fact of the matter is, the woman should love and cherish anything her man gets him no ifs, ands, or buts. Just my opinion.

Well, if you truly believe that, then there shouldn't be a problem with whatever you pick out, no matter what she's indicated she wants. Right?

I'm feeling left out here, you didn't address my question.

Let me put it another way. What exactly was the point of this thread, if you truly believe this?

To quote your last sentence, "I'm worried that a 2 carat diamond will be unimpressive to her now after gawking at all these gigantic rocks"


Again, if you really believe this, then get her whatever and she will love it. Right?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Doc,your in trouble now .... girls out number us guys here by the ratio of 10 to 1.

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 6/25/2008 12:14:15 PM
Author: cara
I bought my guy an engagement bike. (He didn't want a watch - see, I asked!) Yes, the symbolism is not as apparent to others and it probably woln't last a lifetime. But, there is NO WAY I would have said: 'Here's your bike, honey! Its a symbol of how much I love you. I researched the heck out of it and know you so well, I'm sure it is perfect.'

I bought my guy an engagement guitar!

And yes, HE picked it. Not because I didn't do enough research (I did, I'm a total freak when it comes to learning about stuff), or because I don't know him well enough (We probably spend more time together than anyone I know. Even used to work together for years), but I wanted to get him something that HE will absolutely love. It wasn't about me picking out the guitar, wasn't about how I think how perfect it'll be, for me it was all about HIM loving this gift with absolutely no reservation. Would he have still loved it if I just picked it out myself? Of course, that's the kind of person he is. But I wanted to make sure he would love it and that was more important/sentimental for me than the moment of, "SURPRISE!"

While I totally get the sentiment of wanting to surprise your lady with the perfect ring, as someone who also picked out my own ring (we both looked at rings for months) I can tell you that we chose to do it that way because we ARE quite sentimental about it and wanted everything to be just perfect. It ended up being quite romantic really, the whole process of picking out the ring together, and I'm glad I got to enjoy that with him. He even managed to surprise me by pulling off an amazing proposal that I never expected

So you see, not all ladies who pick out their own e-ring are non-sentimental, materialistic, selfish, or whatever else you said in your posts. I know I wasn't looking at whopping 4ct rings expecting my FI to spend tens of thousands of dollars on me

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Thank you, Cara and Girlie-Girl!

DoctorK, I have to agree that "superficial" is probably not a word that you want to be throwing around quite so recklessly, in your particular situation. Having said that, I also agree that the setting you showed us earlier is beautiful. And, as YOU pointed out, it does look quite similar to one that your GF showed you on eBay, so it appears that you ARE taking her preferences into consideration here. Good for you!

Date: 6/25/2008 10:38:10 AM
Author: doctork

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
So you're saying that if, for example, your GF bought you a sweater for your birthday . . . the most hideous sweater you've ever seen in your life . . . you'd wear it and love it, just because she gave it to you?

No, that is completely different. A ring is a ultimate thing a man can do for his woman. He puts (should) a ton of thought and work into getting just the right ring. A sweater for your birthday is a poor poor comparison.

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:11 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Here's how my DH did it: We had already discussed getting engaged, and we both agreed that we wanted to do this ASAP. We looked for a ring together, and found one that we both loved. We bought the ring, and he kept it hidden somewhere in our house. (I still don't know where it was! LOL!) Then, a couple months later, he surprised me with the proposal. And I was COMPLETELY surprised! So it worked out great for us . . . he got to surprise me, and I got a ring that I absolutely love.

To me, that's just so superficial. You're more worried about what the ring looks like, what your friends will think of it, how it'll match with your clothes, than about the real meaning behind the ring. Sure you have to wear it for the rest of your life, but of your SO loves how a ring looks and thinks it will look great on you, can't you see the beauty that he sees? You're going to spend the rest of your life next to this man, you should be like one person.

Of course, not every man puts the work in that he should. I'm sure some would just goto a jeweler in the mall and ask the sales lady what he should buy. If the man can't even put work into it..then...I don't know what to say. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule. I just know how I personally *think* it should be done.

Speaking of "superficial," in response to your statement above, I have to disagree: A ring is NOT by ANY MEANS the "ultimate thing a man can do for his woman."

My husband does a lot of wonderful things for me every single day that mean a LOT more to me than anything he could ever buy me, be it a ring or any other material item. He helps to make sure we have a roof over our heads and food to eat, he talks to me and listens to what I have to say, he makes me feel loved and appreciated . . . I could go on and on all day!

ETA: Please answer Ellen's question whenever you get a chance. I think she has a valid point!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

You know, I have to side a bit with Doc here - he did choose a gorgeous setting from Mark Morrell that looks an awful lot like the shared prong eternity she liked on Ebay.

He''s gotten some amount of input from her - has an idea of what she likes, and is going to try and find the best diamond he can for his girlriend.

What IS worrisome is the sheer size of the Ebay rings she''s looking at. It sounds like she has no concept of how big 3 carats really is in relation to her finger, and she may need to get out and try some on.

Simply trying on rings will spoil no surprise, I assure you.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Speaking of ''superficial,'' in response to your statement above, I have to disagree: A ring is NOT by ANY MEANS the ''ultimate thing a man can do for his woman.''

My husband does a lot of wonderful things for me every single day that mean a LOT more to me than anything he could ever buy me, be it a ring or any other material item. He helps to make sure we have a roof over our heads and food to eat, he talks to me and listens to what I have to say, he makes me feel loved and appreciated . . . I could go on and on all day!

ETA: Please answer Ellen''s question whenever you get a chance. I think she has a valid point!

there''re more important things than diamond ?

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:28:02 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Speaking of ''superficial,'' in response to your statement above, I have to disagree: A ring is NOT by ANY MEANS the ''ultimate thing a man can do for his woman.''

My husband does a lot of wonderful things for me every single day that mean a LOT more to me than anything he could ever buy me, be it a ring or any other material item. He helps to make sure we have a roof over our heads and food to eat, he talks to me and listens to what I have to say, he makes me feel loved and appreciated . . . I could go on and on all day!

ETA: Please answer Ellen''s question whenever you get a chance. I think she has a valid point!

there''re more important things than diamond ?

LOL! Wellllll, just a FEW things!

 

[pmpkn42]

Surfgirl and all the other ladies, I TOTALLY agree. My boyfriend thought he knew my style, showed me some rings that I HATED, so I took matters into my own hands and we went shopping together. He now knows what I like and what I don''t like. If I hadn''t have done that who knows what he would pick out!!!! We have also both educated ourselves together and it''s been a nice bonding experience.

I''m sorry, but it does matter. If you are going to wear something everyday for the rest of your life, you better LOVE it. My boyfriend thought he knew what I liked too, but he had NO clue. And I''m letting him pick out HIS wedding band because it''s HIS, and like my engagement ring, he''s going to be wearing that everyday so he better like it! There''s no way I could pick one for him, nor would I want to!!

And heck, the surprise isn''t ruined if your girlfriend shows you what she likes or even if you go shopping together. YOU have the power of the timing of when and how to propose, and she doesn''t have to know when you buy the ring.

 

[doctork]

Date: 6/25/2008 12:51:08 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:28 AM

Author: Ellen

Date: 6/25/2008 10:04:51 AM

Author: doctork

Wow, I didn''t mean to spur up a debate like this! It''s good to see different point of views though. To me, when I hear girls talking about how they picked out the ring and told their man to buy it, or told their friend to tell him what they liked I think it''s pretty selfish of them. I think a proposal is the ultimate way of a man giving himself to the woman. All the work he puts in to choosing the right ring to ''impress her''. It''s like the male peacocks showing off his feathers to the female peacocks (along with a million other animal examples). If a woman can''t see the love put into the ring and see the beauty that the man sees then we have a problem. It shouldn''t be a matter of whether the woman likes the size, style, color, etc or not. The fact of the matter is, the woman should love and cherish anything her man gets him no ifs, ands, or buts. Just my opinion.

Well, if you truly believe that, then there shouldn''t be a problem with whatever you pick out, no matter what she''s indicated she wants. Right?

I''m feeling left out here, you didn''t address my question.

Let me put it another way. What exactly was the point of this thread, if you truly believe this?


To quote your last sentence, ''I''m worried that a 2 carat diamond will be unimpressive to her now after gawking at all these gigantic rocks''



Again, if you really believe this, then get her whatever and she will love it. Right?

I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to ignore you. I do believe she will love whatever I get. The point of this thread was merely a rant. I didn''t intend anything to come out of it.

 

[luvstheflash]

As one who likes the big rocks and has spent lots of time trying on different rings and different sized stones, I''m thinking that you are probably right to keep her from trying rings on in your presence. If she does like the big ones, a two carat will be fine, but it won''t be the three carat or the four carat......... You''d see the drool slide out of her mouth when she put on the big phat flasher!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Hey Doc! I think she has given you her input on what she likes by showing you things she likes on ebay. I think that you picked a setting and a diamond size that is right in line with what she is looking at. I think you''ve thought long and hard about what she wants and what you want. If you were my boyfriend I would totally understand why you''d feel the need to rant. She will probably feel silly for stressing (which is probably what she''s doing). That Mark Morell setting is so much better and more fluid than the one she sent you a link to. BTW...total carat weight on the ebay one is 4.75 however the center stone is about 2.5. Will she really be able to notice the difference in size between a well cut 2 and that one, I don''t know but I''m sure it won''t matter.

I think you''re doing the right thing. Just keep playing dumb or tell her that you know what she wants and reassure her that she will get an awesome ring when the time comes. That should relieve some of her anxiety.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:58:02 PM
Author: doctork

Date: 6/25/2008 12:51:08 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/25/2008 10:19:28 AM

Author: Ellen

Date: 6/25/2008 10:04:51 AM

Author: doctork

Wow, I didn''t mean to spur up a debate like this! It''s good to see different point of views though. To me, when I hear girls talking about how they picked out the ring and told their man to buy it, or told their friend to tell him what they liked I think it''s pretty selfish of them. I think a proposal is the ultimate way of a man giving himself to the woman. All the work he puts in to choosing the right ring to ''impress her''. It''s like the male peacocks showing off his feathers to the female peacocks (along with a million other animal examples). If a woman can''t see the love put into the ring and see the beauty that the man sees then we have a problem. It shouldn''t be a matter of whether the woman likes the size, style, color, etc or not. The fact of the matter is, the woman should love and cherish anything her man gets him no ifs, ands, or buts. Just my opinion.

Well, if you truly believe that, then there shouldn''t be a problem with whatever you pick out, no matter what she''s indicated she wants. Right?

I''m feeling left out here, you didn''t address my question.

Let me put it another way. What exactly was the point of this thread, if you truly believe this?


To quote your last sentence, ''I''m worried that a 2 carat diamond will be unimpressive to her now after gawking at all these gigantic rocks''



Again, if you really believe this, then get her whatever and she will love it. Right?

I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to ignore you. I do believe she will love whatever I get. The point of this thread was merely a rant. I didn''t intend anything to come out of it.

No problem. But I think you''re missing my point. If you know she''ll love whatever you get her, there would have been no need to rant. And you wouldn''t have stated that you''re worried a 2 ct. rock would not be enough for her. I think you are worried, and to be honest, I would be too after the size stones she''s been talking about.

I think you''d really like to believe she''ll love whatever, but deep down you don''t.

And here''s where I think it might help if you let her be a part of this. If you let her at least try some diamonds on, you can incorporate how much cut means. And once she sees well cut stones, she''ll learn a couple things. One, they''re expensive, and two, a well cut stone does not have to be 3 carats to stand out and be flashy. Also, as has been pointed out, she could find out what styles look good on her hand. I adore split shanks, but they don''t love me. Had I not tried one on first, I could have made a very expensive mistake.

I know you want to surprise her, and there''s nothing wrong with that, if you really know what it is she likes, and what makes her eyes light up. You can''t truly know that though, if you don''t at least take her out.

 

[AggieTexan]

I think you can get "live" input from your gf and still retain the element of surprise you''re looking for. Why don''t you go together to a B&M and try on different styles of rings? I ditto what so many have said above...what you like may not look good on your gf''s hand, or you may find that something you never would have considered is perfect. The two of you could decide together on the shape of stone, color of metal, and different setting styles that look good, and then you could cut her out of the decision making process. That to me seems like a reasonable way to make sure your big purchase is something that will make her heart sing the way you make her heart sing.

But what do I know...I''ve been married over 20 years and my DH is of the opinion (and always has been) that when it comes to diamonds he wants to be certain of the design before plunking down any hard earned cash!

We purchased a new ring for our 20th anniversary in 2007. I originally thought I wanted a Princess shape of about 1.5 carats. Once we started shopping and looking at stones the one we fell in love with was an almost 2.5 carat RB. I wanted a split shank setting, but with the stone we selected something totally different was what we decided together was the best look.

I never knew when the ring was completed, and I was completely shocked and not expecting it in the least when I received it. My delight was not diminished in any way by knowing what the ring would look like. The big surprises came when I got an eternity band a couple months later on our actual anniversary, and then got my original diamond back mounted in a pendant for Christmas.

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:56:32 AM
Author: doctork


There are a million variables involved in every equation. For me, my girlfriend and I are extremely extremely close. The number of hours we have been apart in the last 3 years is under 100.

Do you work at home? DH and I don''t spend any time apart other than when he''s at work (and 2 days a week that''s at home)...and have never been apart overnight...we''re "extremely extremely close" and I am still glad that I at least gave him guidelines of what I wanted in an e-ring.

 

[Diamond Joe Quimby]

Diamond Joe Quimby gently and silenty walks away from conversation that my deteriorate into an argument.....

I''m not sure I agree with some of the things the Doc has said - I guess my point was that everyone does this process in a different way - just because someone helped their future fiance pick the ring doesn''t mean that THAT process is the right one for everyone....

My process (which I know my partner will love and want as well) is that the ring is my responsibility - however, I know exactly what she will like and not like - like someone else said, some people have this connection and understanding with a partner some don''t (likewise, my brother should NEVER buy any gifts without advice from his partner!!!!)

I''m not sure I agree when the Doc said that the girlf should be happy with anything because of what it represents (paraphrasing here) - the way I look at it, the primary concern is that my girlffriend will LOVE the ring - and I know I can achevie this because I know what she likes and what she doesn''t. I have no expectations that she will love anything I give her - but I have an expectations of myself that I can choose/design something that I know she will love! - and she will loce it (hopefullY) because I have made the right decisions.

I have no probems with couples designing their own rings (up to them) - but I also have no problems with the man choosing (it depends on the couple)......

I wear a right hand ring and its one that my girlfriend chose - and I love it, but she wanted me to help pick and I said that I wanted HER to pick it by herself! The thing is, I am one of these guys that has particualr tastes and I have to say that I could not have found/picked/designed a ring that is more perfect than the one she chose - and I have NEVER taken it off my hand in 4 years!!

Having siad that, we have already discussed that we will sit down together to design wedding bands - so we get the best of both words, I choose the engagement ring, and we design the wedding bands together (part of the reason I have gone with a plain solitaire is to allow us more artisitc freedom wit hthe wedding band process).......


Love you all!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

DJQ~

Very diplomatic . . . for what it''s worth, I totally agree!

You stated that what''s right for one couple isn''t necessarily the right thing for another couple, and you''re absolutely right. I think this whole process is very individual. Whatever DoctorK winds up doing, I wish him the best!

And we love you too, DJQ!!!

 

[Dancing Fire]

okay Doc....after you listen to all these ladies

here''s what you do....go pick out a 2.5 ct or whatever size center stone then propose to her with a temporary setting. don''t try to be a hero and spent $6-7K on a custom setting,instead let her pick the setting herself.

 

[Miranda]

Since buying cars has already been compared to buying diamonds, here''s another way to look at it. What if she bought you a car that didn''t have any of the options you wanted? For example, 150 horsepower vs. the 300 you wanted? Heehee!

I play this game with DH all the time when he complains about upgrades.

 

[LGK]

I do have to strongly suggest that if your GF has not physically tried on different settings, it would be a really, really good idea to let her try on some different setting styles at a B&M store. Very often we girls think we know what's gonna look perfect by looking at a picture/screen, then when we try the the thing on it just doesn't quite work! If there is any room in your philosophy for that, it really is a good idea and wouldn't ruin her surprise one bit. I think you could finesse a trip like that without totally giving her the idea to expect a proposal soon if you're creative and sneaky enough.

I think a gorgeous temporarily-set diamond would be *plenty* surprise enough, as well, as Dancing Fire says. Most of the risk you're taking with your plan is with the setting, not the diamond.

I think that men are more sentimental about e-rings, sometimes.

I suppose if you're absolutely, 100% positive sure you can read your GF's mind *and* that she really knows what she likes and doesn't just think she does, go for it and get the ring and the custom setting too. But I do think you have to accept that there is a chance, even though it might be a tiny, tiny chance, that she will come to you afterwards and say, "Honey, I love you but I don't love the ring/setting you picked out." And by that time she'll probably feel completely horrible and selfish and awful, and fear upsetting you greatly, and the ring she ought to adore will have grown to be a big issue at least in her mind. (Truly, you do read that exact story on here a lot, and most of the time the man worked dang hard picking out the ring.) I think if you can accept that you're taking that risk, proceed at full speed ahead

Oooh, here's a good analogy. When my husband was car shopping a few years ago, I knew what he was looking for. He'd told me a dozen times after looking online (but not in person). I could have gone and picked out a black Mazda RX-8 base model with no sunroof and surprised him. And he would have been very sad when he finally saw the silver color in person and fell in love with it, with the full touring package with sunroof and stuff. Because that's what he finally ended up with; he realized that particular car looked better in lighter colors- it shows the lines better- and that having a sunroof was incredibly important to his enjoyment of his car after all. So, I may have known what he *thought* he wanted just fine, but it would have still been the wrong thing, because he hadn't actually driven any or seen them in person.

 

[tberube]

Date: 6/24/2008 11:26:37 PM
Author: doctork
Hey all!


My post was more of a rant than anything. I know in the end she will be happy with what I get her. And I know some of you disagree, but I''m going to buy what I like. She is not involved in the buying or shopping process AT ALL. She doesn''t even get to talk about what she likes, what I like, what size I''m looking at, when I plan to propose, NOTHING. The engagement is going to be completely special and something she will never forget. I know she will be happy with whatever I choose for her, no matter the size.


A girl shopping for diamonds for the first time, is like a guy shopping for cars.

Girls: bigger = better

Guys: faster = better


It''s not until later that we get the experience to appreciate things



PS: I''m currently looking at a 2carat round, in this wedding set: http://www.mwmjewelry.com/D_J_2-653ct_wed_set/

wow. Lucky girl. If she doesn''t appreciate the huge diamond you get her (and yes, a 2ct is HUGE to me), in that unbelievable setting, then I''ll marry you. Heh.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/25/2008 7:24:53 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
okay Doc....after you listen to all these ladies

I got a good chuckle out of this!

 

[honey22]

How about a compromise then if you are stuck on being *stubborn* (for want of a better word).

You go out by yourself and pick exactly what you want.

Then after the whole suprise engagement thing has happened and the inital excitement has died down, look her straight in the eye and ask her if it is her dream ring and if it is exactly what SHE wanted. If she tells you it's not what she wanted, then you should immediately and graciously be amenable to her changing the setting, upgrading the stone (within your budget of course). You can't have your cake and eat it too - just because you love her, it's doesn't mean you know everything about her. I have been with my partner for 12 years and he was suprised recently when I told him that I don't really like pearls! Where on earth did he get that idea from...... He is my best friend, we share everything, we have lived together for over 10 years, but he thought I liked pearls - WTF?! I have never said I liked them. On the other hand, he knows things about me that suprise me. Things that no-one else would know and I we would both say we know each other incredibly well. But the truth is, after 12 years, we are still learning things about each other, and I dare say, we will be for many many years to come.

I really think this is a good compromise, chances are she is going to love it anyway, but then she won't be stuck with the angst of having a ring that she doesn't 100% love.