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Wedding My fiance just told me he is having 2 bachlor parties

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Im sorry hun! I would be livid if I discussed something that was bothering me with my FI and he blew me off like that. Where do these guys get off? To me, there is no "It''s my right to do this" blah blah blah. If FI really didnt want me to do something (to the point of begging me), I would either respect his wishes or tell him I couldn''t and leave the relationship. It would be completely unfair to him for me to blow him off and just do it anyway.

Sounds to me like your FI thinks he did some kind of favor or something by proposing and now thinks you will never leave him and he can walk all over you. Maybe this instance isn''t so bad, but I can see something like that repeating itself and escalating. If he has no respect for your thoughts and feelings now, how is it going to be when you are married and "stuck" in the relationship even more? What about when you have kids?
 
Okay, my feelings about bachelor parties aside, it is not cool that he''s disrespecting you by ignoring your position and actively telling you that he is going to lie to you about AT LEAST part of it (date/time).

Have you sat down and calmly explained what your issues are with it, why you have issues with it, and asked why he continues to disrespect you by not taking your feelings into consideration? (For example, I posed this issue to my BF, and he said, "Well, I probably wouldn''t stop the parties completely, but I''d definitely tone it down for you.") You are getting married and making a commitment to each other that you will continually put each other first: the other person''s needs (like being respected) come above your own wants (getting drunk and stupid). The wedding shouldn''t be the start of this behaviour, it should be the point that a couple publicly states it is in effect. That''s (to me) what a responsible couple does when they''re on the path to marriage. They put each other''s needs first.

I really hope you don''t just ignore this. This is a communication/values discussion that needs to be had. I''m not saying the party is a make-or-break deal, just that I really really think you need to discuss this with him (calmly, and with minor amounts of emotion, because I find that tears tend to make guys feel blackmailed).
 
I think it is excessive. And I would be beyond angry if my guy suggested this. Really, especially if it is bothering you. More the reason not to have two bachelor parties. I am one of those girls that is totally not cool with it.
 
Sorry, but why exactly are you marrying this guy?

I wouldn''t even date a man who made me feel how you say he makes you feel - let alone walk up the aisle.

Seems like your guy needs to do some growing up and you need to do some hard thinking about the kind of marriage you want. From the posts you have made in the past about him, I think you both need some serious couples counselling.
 
The more I think about it, the more unhealthy the whole dynamic seems. He "has" you so he thinks he can do whatever he wants? He won''t tell you the date so you don''t "bother" him by calling. (Why would a man think his fiancee''s calls are a bother in the first place?) And you want to "get back at him so bad." That is not a good, healthy dynamic. You sound like enemies, not a happy engaged couple. Yikes!
 
I don''t want to offend you at all...but, is you FI always this disrespectful towards you?

I can understand having a bachelor party...and, if the trust is there--then have fun. But I think it shocks me that he went so far as to tell you he wouldn''t disclose the date, so you couldn''t call him
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.

It''s one thing to be comfortable in a relationship, and know how the other person will react when pushed...but its another entirely to use that against them, and flat out hurt them. I feel like, instead of valuing you, he''s setting a very negative tone.

Men like that don''t impress me at all...I think it speaks really poorly of their character. It''s great you trust you him, but for whatever reason, from what I read in your post, what his cousins think of him means more to him than your feelings. You''re about to become his wife, that trumps everything---and if he knows full well how hurt you are and you''re literally begging him not to do this, and he is willing to not only do it, but add insult to injury but keeping the date from you...prehaps you need to think about what you''re marriage will be like. Will your wants and needs always take a backseat to his cousins? Is that what you want from your marriage? Is this the positive note your life as husband and wife will jump off on?

My Mom once shared some very valuable knowledge with me...and it''s gotten me very far in life when it comes to relationships and love...and, I''d like to share it with you...She always said, if you let a man get away with hurting you once--next time, he''ll know he can go that far and just a little bit further. Be careful with your heart...and don''t back down if this is a real issue for you...because, at this point, it''s not even about his "party" but his disrespectful attitude....
 
I was just on Indiebride.com and though I was going to throw up...these stories are soooo horrible. I just thank God for my DH....
 
Date: 9/16/2008 9:11:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
Sorry, but why exactly are you marrying this guy?

I wouldn''t even date a man who made me feel how you say he makes you feel - let alone walk up the aisle.

Seems like your guy needs to do some growing up and you need to do some hard thinking about the kind of marriage you want. From the posts you have made in the past about him, I think you both need some serious couples counselling.
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Pandora, you''ve said exactly what I was thinking.
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I don''t think anything''s wrong with havnig 2 bachelor parties per se..... as long as you trust your FI to act responsibly. If that''s the case then I don''t see a problem if he has one or two. IF you feel he may act recklessly or irresponsibly, or cheat on you - then I can understand why you would be upset/concerned.

Is is that you''re concerned about his behaviour at the bachelor party or his cousin''s behaviour? Do you think his cousin''s actions will affect his, and he will get locked up or something?
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I do agree that he should a bit more respectful of your feelings.
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But I don''t think wanting to ''getting back'' at him is a good way to handle your hurt feelings about this.
 
i agree that YOU have to figure out what exactly about the two parties is bothering you the most; is it because ''one wild nite'' should be enough? because you don''t see the point? because you''re worried that it''s just twice the opportunity for him to do something wrong? or are you really more bothered by the fact that he''s disrespecting you than you are by the thought of two parties? if you can figure that out, you can figure out what the actual issue is that needs to be addressed with him.

these bachelor party issues are so complicated because no matter what the root, it turns into 100% power struggle. he needs to be "manly" and you''re trying to put your foot down in the name of disrespect (even if it starts out as something more tangible). if you say it ''won''t be tolerated'' and he ''doesn''t care'', then what? you break up? not likely....one of you is going to get walked on and i''m guessing it won''t be him.

you guys both need to be adult about the whole thing and work through why it''s important to him to have two and why it''s important to you for him to only have one. you both need to listen to each other and be reasonable. sit him down with the reasons that you are upset with the idea of two bachelor parties and ask him why he needs to have two - let him know that you aren''t interested in arguing with him, and that it''s important that you work it out.


with all that said,
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I''m so sorry blissful, I too remember the story of what happened in Vegas so I can completely empathize with your concerns. I still can''t believe that he is going that close to the wedding.

But, I also remember that your FI was the one that found you in the other hotel and he stayed out of the fray, didn''t he?

Although I seem to remember him not defending your reaction to that whole drama either.
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I don''t know what to say, but I will give you hugs okay? (((((((((((((((((Blissful Bride)))))))))))))))))))))))
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:38:12 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
I have to disagree with the previous posters.

I remember your post about FI''s uncle''s bachelorette party. There was a huge shiner, and, if I remember correctly, a night in jail, and charges filed?

Given that track record, I would be worried too.

It also worries me, that your FI is being highly disrespectful of you. Especially the bit about not telling you the date of the party, so that you don''t call -- WTF?

Have you explained to him why you are having this problem? And have you clearly communicated to him that you will not tolerate the way he is behaving in regard to this situation? Macho or not, if you are to be his wife, the first person he answers to is you. Not his friends, not his family. Blatantly disregarding your feelings, and being outright rude to you, is no way to treat one''s wife.
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ITA with brooklyngirl. A guy has plenty of time to party before becoming engaged. To become involved in mutual touching with another woman is cheating, IMO. To disrespect your wishes is unacceptable. There are many men who have no desire for this type of party. I know...I married one. If my husband had insisted upon indulging in this type of behavior, against my stated wishes, I wouldn''t have married him. How would your fiance feel if you went out with your friends and a male stripper was all over you. This is a matter of mutual respect. If it''s not OK with both partners, than it''s not OK. I hope the two of you can talk this through and work out an acceptable alternative.
 
I''m not sure I understand - you''d be okay with him having one, but not two? Is it because of the people who will be at the second party or the particular plan for that night, or is it merely the fact that two parties will occur?

I think you''re saying that you''re okay with him having the party at home, but not the Vegas one - is that right? (Sorry if I missed a post where you clarified this). Keep in mind that he could get crazy and out of hand at either of these parties (or both). I suppose there''s more chance of that happening if there are 2 parties, but really, keeping it to a one-time thing isn''t going to stop him from getting hurt or arrested or whatever.

If you tell me that it bothers you because of the objectionable content of the typical bachelor party, I totally get that... is it possible that one or both won''t consist of drinking heavily and patronizing strip clubs?
 
I personally wouldn''t care, I actually might be impressed! But, given that you are NOT... he should absolutely respect your wishes. I know it is his "last hurrah" and I am not suggesting that he shouldn''t have ONE, but if it''s TWO that are bugging you, he should be reasonable. A marriage involves too people, so he might as well get used to accommodating now...
 
To be fair, we''re only getting 1 side of the story here, and likely, immediately following a heated arguement.

I think you guys need to calmly, and rationaly talk about the parties, talk about what''s okay, and what''s not.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 9:20:16 AM
Author: angielea
To be fair, we''re only getting 1 side of the story here, and likely, immediately following a heated arguement.

I think you guys need to calmly, and rationaly talk about the parties, talk about what''s okay, and what''s not.
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Thank you.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:42:42 PM
Author: blissfulbride
thank you brooklyngirl !


I swear if I did this to him there would be hell to pay
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Then, do it right back to him. Except remember that for MEN it''s not the same. He could care less if some cheesy male stripper wiggles his junk in your face because men are wired differently.

To YOU, the bachelor party is a nasty assessment of you as a woman, because the "message" behind it is that your fiance is about to be "stuck" with this one, insignificant girl for the rest of his life, so he''d better get one last, long, hard look at the "good stuff." And that message serves to humiliate you and decimate your ego. Which is why it''s not remotely a "trust" issue with your man, it''s about the fact that you feel marginalized and you feel that your love and the pledge of faith is being made a public mockery of. And your feelings are continually invalidated by people saying "What''s the big deal? He won''t cheat and you know it." That just invalidates your feelings, which is unfair to you. There are women who are totally cool with bachelor parties and sttrippers and stuff, and that''s fine for them. But you have a right to not be one of them. You have a right to your feelings without being told that you''re "wrong" or "hysterical" or "making a big deal out of nothing."

So, here is my proposition:

Pick an ex-boyfriend who your ex feels particularly threatened by.....who is it? Is it the guy who took your virginity? Is it the super-tall, super-athletic, super-rich, super-handsome guy you dated that busts up your fiance''s ego somehow?

OK. Pick the ex of yours who most "threatens" your fiance. And tell your fiance that you have two booze-filled dates planned with THAT GUY for the night(s) of his bachelor parties. Tell him there will be LOTS of drinking, that you''ll be LEAVING the city to hang out with this particular Ex Boyfriend, and that there may be some possibility of close, physical contact. You may get naked in his lap and wiggle around. You may get naked and dance for that ex.

The "ex boyfriend" scenario more adequately conveys the feelings of disrespect than does a "male stripper" scenario, because that''s just how men are wired.

Tell your fiance that''s what you have planned for those nights (even though we KNOW that you DON''T) and use it as a conversation opener and a point-of-discussion for having empathy for you.




It''s not about "cheating" It''s about feeling marginalized and having the balance of power in the relationship thrown out of whack, to your disadvantage.
 
Tell your fiance that''s what you have planned for those nights (even though we KNOW that you DON''T) and use it as a conversation opener and a point-of-discussion for having empathy for you.
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oooooh, i may have to disagree with this one...the advice of telling him this just to see how he''ll respond isn''t good. IMO
its dangerous if you ask me.
what if he calls your bluff and says "go ahead, i dont care" then what? I dont know = this situation is a tough one but i think saying something or doing something to "get back" at him for his poor behavior is just a recipe for disaster........
He is not being nice or respectful right now, but that certainly doesn''t mean that you can do something to get him "back" - you guys are adults getting married - not teenagers.
just my thoughts, like i said, i think its a recipe for disaster.
 
I remember the uncle's bachelor party and all I can say is, I would be beyond uncomfortable.

I totally feel for you. The fact that he doesn't care how you feel about it also says volumes. Do you know about that essay over on indiebride? I'd print it out and give it to him. Make sure he knows that there are consequences. If he doesn't want you to know where he is or when or to call him, I don't think I could trust him.

Lord, I am so glad that a really good steak and some beers with the guys was my guy's idea of a fun bachelor party.
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I'm afraid I have to agree with Pandora that I couldn't marry a guy like that.
 
I left It alone last night, and I just dropped it. I just stood in the bedroom giving him the silent treatment, and gave myself some time to think. I''m not going to let this stress me out right now, because our wedding is still 7 months away. I have a ton of other things on my mind. When it gets closer I''m going to bring it up, and we are going to have to compromise like we always do.

I just want to make this very clear. I''m upset about him being disrespectful, and thinking he can do whatever he wants when it comes to this subject. I have many valid reasons as to why I just want him to have just one.
 
This is a tough one. He has made up his mind that the parties are "his" and that there will be no "interference" from anyone, including you. While he is taking it to extremes, I have to say that, despite your feelings, it really IS his night out with the guys and that ultimately you will have to make peace with it, and trust him to make the right decisions.
You have every right to show your displeasure and address the way he is handling it (and what that means for your relationship in general)but honestly, do you really think that punishing him in additional ways will get you anywhere?? Unfortunately I think that this is a case where you have to be hands off, for better or for worse; of course it should not translate to other subsequent events. And no, men in general are not just "wired" this way.
Certain men are. And I am sure that there are many factors that play into his decision to have this kind of party. And these fundamental traits/beliefs/preferences would worry me more since they may translate into other actions of the same kind (such as going to see striipers in Vegas) that you may disagree with.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 11:51:58 AM
Author: blissfulbride
I left It alone last night, and I just dropped it. I just stood in the bedroom giving him the silent treatment, and gave myself some time to think. I''m not going to let this stress me out right now, because our wedding is still 7 months away. I have a ton of other things on my mind. When it gets closer I''m going to bring it up, and we are going to have to compromise like we always do.

I just want to make this very clear. I''m upset about him being disrespectful, and thinking he can do whatever he wants when it comes to this subject. I have many valid reasons as to why I just want him to have just one.
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The wedding is 7 months away...good...it will give you time to make plans...for counciling...there is work that is needed in this relationship BEFORE marriage...i also hear bells and see red flags also...how are you two going to get along after the marriage...what will happen when you are expected to just give in when there are really important subjects in hot debate...children,home,money....he will get even more controlling and you will become even more resentful of his disrepect and hurtful behavior.Unless you discuss this now it will fester and grow...its a good thing that this happened before the wedding so you can really look at underlining behaviors...people get too caught up in the wedding plans and the romance of the relationship to really look at the relationship and its health....dont ignore this...you owe it to yourself to look under the surface of the relationship and work on the issues.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 11:34:49 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I remember the uncle''s bachelor party and all I can say is, I would be beyond uncomfortable.

I totally feel for you. The fact that he doesn''t care how you feel about it also says volumes. Do you know about that essay over on indiebride? I''d print it out and give it to him. Make sure he knows that there are consequences. If he doesn''t want you to know where he is or when or to call him, I don''t think I could trust him.

Lord, I am so glad that a really good steak and some beers with the guys was my guy''s idea of a fun bachelor party.
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I''m afraid I have to agree with Pandora that I couldn''t marry a guy like that.
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Ditto, ditto, ditto.

Except for the indiebride essay, because I haven''t read that. And not the steak and beers thing--for FF it''s more like X-box and Mountain Dew.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 11:51:58 AM
Author: blissfulbride
I left It alone last night, and I just dropped it. I just stood in the bedroom giving him the silent treatment, and gave myself some time to think. I'm not going to let this stress me out right now, because our wedding is still 7 months away. I have a ton of other things on my mind. When it gets closer I'm going to bring it up, and we are going to have to compromise like we always do.

I just want to make this very clear. I'm upset about him being disrespectful, and thinking he can do whatever he wants when it comes to this subject. I have many valid reasons as to why I just want him to have just one.
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I think most people really get that. That's the primary issue here.

And the silent treatment? Really?? Go read the "emotionally abusive" thread in hangout re: the silent treatment.

I think you're actually doing the relationship a disservice by "dropping" this with plans to bring it up once it's closer. You're going to wait until plans have potentially been made, and he's been planning on/looking forward to both parties for months, and THEN try to get the plans changed?

Deal with it, and deal with it now.

This is not what the relationship should be like leading up to your wedding. You're being disrespectful toward each other, developing grudges, not communicating... this sounds like a couple heading for breakup, not the altar
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I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be... I just really think, based on the limited information you've given us, that you're setting yourself up for trouble here. It can be helped, if you try.
 
ITA with musey here, and I have to admit that when I read the OP, my first thought was the emotionally abusive husband thread.

I really hope you don''t just brush this under the rug. Waiting to bring it up later is really the worst thing you can do in this situation. If you drop it, he''ll just think everything is fine, and go ahead with both parties. It eerily reminds me of your thread about his sudden change of heart about the size of your wedding. Remember how that came out of the blue, and you had to scramble to change your plans? He would have to do the same thing if you wait to settle it later down the road. (I''m pretty sure the wedding change was you, but if not, my apologies).

You guys need to discuss this calmly. This is not about what you have absolute control over, or what your FI has absolute control over. In a marriage (at least a good one, IMO) no one has absolute control over anything. Both of you need to get into couples counseling now, or I fear your engagement and *marriage* will not be a happy one.
 
Welcome to the rest of your life as a married woman. He pulls this now because he knows you won''t back out of the wedding. What sort of things will he decide are HIS decision once you are married? If he thinks you don''t have the courage to walk away from an altar, he KNOWS you won''t walk away from the marriage.

Personally I don''t believe in trying to control someone, so I would just say "I don''t care how many parties you decide to have dear, but here are my non-negotiable party no-no''s" and list them. Touching, rubbing, kissing, etc. wherever you draw the line. I''d make it clear that there would be NO wedding, and NO marriage if those behaviors were not respected. It''s not about the party, it''s about your fear that this lack of respect is only the beginnning.
 
I second Musey''s post to talk about it now.

You may think you are doing some good by leaving well enough alone but you are not. The longer you put off discussing this with him the more likely he is just going to do it anyway. That is beacuse you let him fully plan it and tell everyone. There will be more then just this issue at hand if you let it go any further. He will feel he has to salvage his pride and not cancel because everyone will know he is doing it for you. Plus bu dropping the issue (hate to say this) it is a little like accepting it. Or resigning to the fact that it is going to happen I should say. Which he is going to throw in your face when you bring it up again.

Why do you have this problem now? And even when you try and bring up that you had a problem earlier and just didn''t voice it, you will more then likely just get shot down.

Don''t push this problem away and out of your mind. It will not be any easier talking about it later. The so called peace and everything is fine attitude you say you are getting right now is not worth the hassle at a later date.
 
ITA Musey.
 
Sometimes its good to drop something *temporarily* if you are too worked up about to think straight or just too emotional. And keep it dropped if you realize you WERE overreacting, or making a mountain out of a molehill, etc. But in this case.... once you have had time to calmly think about your opinions on the subject, you owe it to yourself to bring it up again sooner rather than later if it is still a problem for you and NOT just stuff your feelings on the subject under the rug and try to get over it.

You deserve to be treated with respect. Dismissing/ignoring your legitimate feelings on this subject is not respectful. Giving your FI the silect treatment to punish him for not respecting your feelings is a bad way to fight, a bad way to communicate your displeasure, and ultimately turns this into a power struggle between you two. You will probably lose this one, as its his bachelor party, but I can''t imagine this is a good way to be dealing with difficult topics in the future.
 
Date: 9/17/2008 4:59:05 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
ITA Musey.
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me too-deal with it now. Get it all out in the open before plans are made.
 
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