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Wedding My fiance just told me he is having 2 bachlor parties

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blissfulbride

blissfulbride

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May 9, 2008
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I begged him not to, and told him that isn''t not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do.

I dont know what to do. The minute women get engaged all they talk about the dress, and the minute men do all they think about is the bachlor party and its scary. I''m so upset I can just cry knowing that he just doesn''t respect me with how I feel about this. I want to get him back so bad, but I don''t know what to do.

He even told me he wasnt going to tell me the date so that I wont bother him by calling. Its not that I dont trust him because I really do. If I didn''t I wouldn''t be marrying him. It''s all his cousins that im worried about, because they don''t know how to act when they drink, and all I need is something happening to him right before the wedding, just like what happened to his uncle. I know alot of you remember that story.

My heart tells me it''s some macho thing he wants to prove to me, and his family.
 
Maybe I''m weird, but that wouldn''t bother me. DH had a crazy raucous Bachelor party over in Canada and I just put a bucket next to the bed for him for when he got home.
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What is it you are worried about, if I may ask?
 
Why is he having two? is it because he has two seperate groups of friends and they are doing them seperately?
or does he just want two?
 
But if you really do trust him, then who cares what his cousins act like??

What exactly is bothering you about the bachelor parties?
 
i'm the same with dani - its one of those things that its not worth me getting worked up for. however, why does he need two? as for his cousins, well. there are always the "stupid drunks" of the party. there really is NO point to stress about what they are going to do, because its unpredictable.

and maybe i'm wrong, but who has the party the night before the wedding now adays? that's just asking for trouble.

Blissful - i hate to be harsh but i think you are over stressing right now (especially since you just fixed things with your man of honor). I think you need to take some time for yourself that has NOTHING to do with the wedding.


ETA - a friend just had two bacholor parties. one was going out golfing, and the next one (a week or so later) was the party party. it turned out just fine :)
 
I''m pissed, because do you seriously need 2 of them? One should be enough, and it''s just a turn off.

The reason he is having 2 is, because he is renting a limo here with the guys and then going to a strip club in vegas 2 days before the wedding.
 
ohhhh so are some of the guys going to the one here, NOT going to vegas?
so they wont all be able to be at the vegas party?
 
playing devils advocate here..

women kind of already get two parties too. infact, it is preceived by a lot of guys that the whole wedding planning is a big party in itself, for women (and no, it is not, its a giant stress ball. but guys arnt that bright).
but there is the shower and the bacholorette party.

so why not throw yourself two parties?
 
I have to disagree with the previous posters.

I remember your post about FI''s uncle''s bachelorette party. There was a huge shiner, and, if I remember correctly, a night in jail, and charges filed?

Given that track record, I would be worried too.

It also worries me, that your FI is being highly disrespectful of you. Especially the bit about not telling you the date of the party, so that you don''t call -- WTF?

Have you explained to him why you are having this problem? And have you clearly communicated to him that you will not tolerate the way he is behaving in regard to this situation? Macho or not, if you are to be his wife, the first person he answers to is you. Not his friends, not his family. Blatantly disregarding your feelings, and being outright rude to you, is no way to treat one''s wife.
 
thank you brooklyngirl !

I swear if I did this to him there would be hell to pay and there is nothing I can do. To be honest I don''t want 2 bachlorette parties. I just want to be respected !

I''m just so upset and pray that''s this doesn''t work out for him, because he has been so nasty to me about it.
 
This is really a tough one, as most men, if you try to tell them no or they can''t do something, they will get the "you can''t tell me what to do" type attitude.
I know this is NOT OK but its pretty common for guys to respond this way, especially to someone potentially telling them what they can and can''t do.

He should respect you and how you feel but its tough...........I know if i tried to tell my fiance he "couldnt" have 2 bachelor parties, he would immediately say
you can not tell me what i can and can''t do.
He''s not (thank god) but im 99.9% sure that is how he would react.

Now, i honestly wouldn''t care IF he had 2 but he doesn''t have the history like you do -
 
I agree with BrooklynGrl.

This part of your post makes me very sad:

"I begged him not to, and told him that isn''t not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do."

If you''re not ok with what he''s planning, then he needs to make an effort to see your point of view and make sure that you are comfortable and okay with everything. I don''t know why he doesn''t care, but he should. I hope you two can reach a happy medium about this. Sorry you have to deal with this.
 
we feel for you blissfulbride, he knows you are upset, maybe give it a few days, usually they will think about things and calm down and see where you are coming from (after you let it go for a day or two).
 
You know, lots of women feel lots of different ways about bachelor parties. You''re allowed to be upset by this and it''s allowed to be not okay to you. It''s not fair for others to disregard your feelings about the matter just because they might feel differently.

I think what you need to figure out is what exactly bothers you about it. Is it the uncontrolled drinking, the strippers, or whatever. And then talk to him about that issue.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:42:42 PM
Author: blissfulbride
thank you brooklyngirl !

I swear if I did this to him there would be hell to pay and there is nothing I can do. To be honest I don''t want 2 bachlorette parties. I just want to be respected !

I''m just so upset and pray that''s this doesn''t work out for him, because he has been so nasty to me about it.
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That really isn''t that healthy
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I still don''t understand what is bothering you about it. If he has two parties, then?? I''m not understanding.

I think this has more to do with you not trusting him or his actions during the bachelor party than it really bothering you.

And I get that the comment on not giving you the date so you won''t bother him is disrespectful but before getting mad, I would get to the root cause of that comment. Do you always calls him when he''s out and don''t give him his space because you don''t trust him?

If you were to tell me that you don''t want him to have two parties because financially you can''t or because you wanted one and he said no then that''s different but I''m still not understand what is upsetting you.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:19:20 PM
Author:blissfulbride
I begged him not to, and told him that isn''t not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do.

I dont know what to do. The minute women get engaged all they talk about the dress, and the minute men do all they think about is the bachlor party and its scary. I''m so upset I can just cry knowing that he just doesn''t respect me with how I feel about this. I want to get him back so bad, but I don''t know what to do.

He even told me he wasnt going to tell me the date so that I wont bother him by calling. Its not that I dont trust him because I really do. If I didn''t I wouldn''t be marrying him. It''s all his cousins that im worried about, because they don''t know how to act when they drink, and all I need is something happening to him right before the wedding, just like what happened to his uncle. I know alot of you remember that story.

My heart tells me it''s some macho thing he wants to prove to me, and his family.
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I hear bells ringing - alarm bells, not wedding bells. You need to sit down and talk to him about these points. Avoid making it about the bachelor parties and concentrate on how you feel about his actions.

Is this how he expects to treat you after the wedding, when he is even more secure in the relationship?
 
Wow, I don''t know what to say. You clearly stated that you would prefer for him not to do it and he said he was doing it anyway to be macho and prove something (that grooms-to-be deserve a night of drunken stripper fun??). I''m not a prude, but the whole "I don''t care how you feel, I''m doing it anyway" attitude would be enough for me to have a serious conversation about my boundaries and the damage that might be caused to the relationship if crossed.
 
Also, I would check out the bachelor party thread on indiebride.com--lots of very eye-opening stories about Bachelor Parties (in Vegas, particularly).
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:19:20 PM
Author:blissfulbride
I begged him not to, and told him that isn''t not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do.

I dont know what to do. The minute women get engaged all they talk about the dress, and the minute men do all they think about is the bachlor party and its scary. I''m so upset I can just cry knowing that he just doesn''t respect me with how I feel about this. I want to get him back so bad, but I don''t know what to do.

He even told me he wasnt going to tell me the date so that I wont bother him by calling. Its not that I dont trust him because I really do. If I didn''t I wouldn''t be marrying him. It''s all his cousins that im worried about, because they don''t know how to act when they drink, and all I need is something happening to him right before the wedding, just like what happened to his uncle. I know alot of you remember that story.

My heart tells me it''s some macho thing he wants to prove to me, and his family.
Click to expand...
Despite however one may feel about bachelor/bachelorette parties, I don''t think I''ve ever wanted to "get back" at my DH for anything he''s done.

Blissful - I feel for you - I really do, but I think taking a breather and looking back at the situation after things have cooled can prove to be more productive...
 
I dont know what im going to do, I guess im going to just have to deal with it and suck it up.
 
Honestly bliss if you can talk to your FI and give him the real reason why you are not ok with the two parties, then he should respect that.

If you are worried about his behavior at those parties then express that.

If what is bothering you is that he dismissed your feelings to begin with then talk to him about that. But don''t sweep it under the table and suck it up. And I would really, really think about what is bothering me. Telling him "I don''t want you to have those two parties just cause I don''t" is not a good enough reason and will only bring resentment from his behalf.
 
Some women don''t really care if their guys go to strip clubs - they don''t see how that impacts their relationship or speaks badly about how they see women - its entertainment. Others think strip clubs are demeaning to women, do care, and even if they trust their guys 100%, do feel disempowered and insulted when their partner chooses this activity.

For me, the bigger problem here is the "I begged him not to and he didn''t care." I don''t think it sets a good precedent for the marriage. Me, personally, I want my guy to care if I beg him not to do something. I want to know he will take my concerns seriously, even if its over something in his purview, like how to entertain himself on a boys night out. Obviously that means I have to be reasonable and limit the number of things I "beg him not to do" but that is the kind of relationship I would want.

So...

Time to try this communication again, perhaps. Maybe in a broader context of, this really upsets me and here is why. And by having two bachelor/strip club events, which you know I don''t like, it makes me feel like my feeling are irrelevant in what you choose to do.

I''m not saying that you should necessarily win this argument, but this is communication time. Make him articulate why he likes this bachelor party thing, and why he is choosing do to it even though it upsets you, presumably a VIP in his life. Is he willing to make any concessions to your concerns, particularly about keeping the rowdiness/drunkenness before wedding/trips to jail under control? Even if he goes forward, I would be looking to make sure that you feel he IS listening to your concerns and taking them under advisement. If instead he is really prioritizing looking macho for his family over your feelings, that tells you something about how grown up he is, and how much deference you can expect as his wife over certain topics. Good luck.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 5:04:32 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Honestly bliss if you can talk to your FI and give him the real reason why you are not ok with the two parties, then he should respect that.

If you are worried about his behavior at those parties then express that.

If what is bothering you is that he dismissed your feelings to begin with then talk to him about that. But don''t sweep it under the table and suck it up. And I would really, really think about what is bothering me. Telling him ''I don''t want you to have those two parties just cause I don''t'' is not a good enough reason and will only bring resentment from his behalf.
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I agree. take a few days and then talk to him about it. maybe it is a logistic thing (not all the guys can go to the first one). maybe he just wants to have two parties.
 
I don''t see why having 2 parties is any worse than one...would you have had a problem if he was having just one? Why does he want 2? If it is for some reason like he has 2 different groups of friends, or is having one in one location and one in another, it probably isn''t anything to worry about.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:19:20 PM
Author:blissfulbride
I begged him not to, and told him that isn''t not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do.

I dont know what to do. The minute women get engaged all they talk about the dress, and the minute men do all they think about is the bachlor party and its scary. I''m so upset I can just cry knowing that he just doesn''t respect me with how I feel about this. I want to get him back so bad, but I don''t know what to do.

He even told me he wasnt going to tell me the date so that I wont bother him by calling. Its not that I dont trust him because I really do. If I didn''t I wouldn''t be marrying him. It''s all his cousins that im worried about, because they don''t know how to act when they drink, and all I need is something happening to him right before the wedding, just like what happened to his uncle. I know alot of you remember that story.

My heart tells me it''s some macho thing he wants to prove to me, and his family.
Click to expand...
Blissful, you were most certainly disrespected, but powerless you are not. People can continue to disrespect you if allow them to. The key here is setting boundaries and expectations with FI. I highly encourage you to sort this out *before* the wedding. Life is to short to be spent with someone who doesn''t treat you with anything less than kindness and respect.

Make it clear to FI that disrespect of any kind will not be tolerated.

The bachelor party part of your post, at least for me, is an afterthough. This has nothing to do with the bachelor party. It has to do with how you want to be treated by your husband, and the type of marriage you want to have.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 4:19:20 PM
Author:blissfulbride
I begged him not to, and told him that isn't not right and he doesnt care. I feel so disrespected and powerless. I guess at this point he feels so secure in the relationship that he knows theres nothing I can do.

I dont know what to do. The minute women get engaged all they talk about the dress, and the minute men do all they think about is the bachlor party and its scary.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry you're upset. I just wanted to point out that that's a major generalization. Lots of men don't just think about the Bachelor party the minute they get engaged! Not at all. My fiance isn't even excited about having one and might not.

I think your fiance is being disrespectful to you, and you need to calmly but firmly let him know you will not tolerate it. Otherwise, it will not bode well for your marriage. He will walk all over you.
 
If you don't trust him, why are you marrying him? You *say* you trust him, but if you really did it wouldn't matter that he's having 2 parties, that one is at a strip club, and that his crazy cousins are involved. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions and you are not trusting that he'll make good ones...
 
I don''t see how having two parties is any worse than having one so I don''t understand that part, but what I''d be more worried about is the fact that you can''t talk to him about it. You do not need to feel powerless. This is something that you really should talk about before you get married.
 
Blissful sorry you are going through this...that being said I think you should talk to your FI and let him know you are not OK with him ignoring your feelings...bachelor parties are OK, but the strip club 2 days before the wedding when he's already having a bachelor party before just seems weird...

NEL dang-now I'm on indie bride reading all the crap and horrible images are running through my head!
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Ok first of all I really dont get the whole bachelor party thing... I really dont... They are say its your last night "Single" and free.... But single to who??? I mean technically you''re engaged.. so your NOT single.. and the only thing that maybe says ur single is your taxes and other legal documents... but thats just a piece of paper...

TO me... its completely stupid to have one more last night of freedom or being single... I think its disrespectful to women..and men... to me its like saying, "Hey you have this one night to go cheat and its okay, because your SINGLE" its complete BS... and Im sorry but I dont trust any stripper/entertainer because they could give 2 $h!t$ if you''re getting married but Im sure if your man/girl looks good they will try to hook up with him.. and honestly what do they have to lose.. NOTHING.. but that person has EVERYTHING to lose.. Its just stupid....

AND Im sorry but when my BF was talking to his friends about getting married they were like PARTY IN VEGAS... I mean its all that ran through their pea sized brains...
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So i really think that is one of the first things guys think about when marriage comes up...

Ok sorry for the off-topic rant...

Blissful, I am so sorry... That really stinks.. I would probably only be okay with 2 parties if one was like golfing or some sporting thing... but not 2 party parties... thats just wrong to me..
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and honestly WHATS the point of going to a strip club 2 days before you get married... to me that only calls for disaster...

I hope everything gets worked out for you...
 
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