My Boss is Insane

[AmberWaves]

Her daughter is the correct size, not overeating, works out twice a day and plays club volleyball. They''re always on her to eat just carrots and plain turkey, nothing else. Now, she is trying to get her daughter to lose more weight so she can play more volleyball even though she has massive tendonitis in her shoulder, and was told by her dr to stay off her arm.

This mom is insane, having only espressos with 4 shots and diet cokes. When she eats a salad, she MUST go to the gym. Now I just overheard her tell her daughter that is she loses more weight (she''s 5''11 and a DD cup, but very slim) they''ll give her $100.00 a POUND. I just asked the mom about it and she said that her daughter NEEDS to lose weight. Should I say anything?

 

[allycat0303]

Some woman are very hard on their bodies and even harder on their daughters bodies (they see it as an extension of themselves) My mom used to tell me I was chubby too (I''m not, I believe at that time I was 5''1 and 93 pounds). I also think that''s common in female athletes, I was a figure skater and my coach weighed me everyday.

I think you should say something if you are in a position to do so (but if she''s your boss....uhmm I wouldn''t if it would get you in trouble...) and partly because eating disorders are a touchy thing. Usually the person with the problem is aware there is a problem but isn''t quite able to get a handle on it.

 

[Mara]

OMG that's crazy.

As for should you say anything, no, I don't think so. It's really none of your business in general even though you asked about it, and it's your boss. Unless you want her to freak out on you (and she seems totally capable of that), and potentially make your work life miserable, then just keep your head down. esp if the mom herself is doing this then she obviously has no idea it's wrong. how are you going to show her?

It's very unfortunate for her daughter, hopefully she has HER head screwed on right and knows her mom is crazy. Too bad really.

 

[AmberWaves]

Okay, I should elaborate a bit on this situation. I've known my boss since I was 12 (about 15/16 years) and I used to babysit this girl, since she was two.

She is the sweetest thing, and often confides in me about how hard it is for her, and how her mom is making her hate herself. And she rebels, eating more when her mom isn't around. It's a sad and sick cycle.

ETA: trust me, I don't WANT to say anything. I just worry about this 16y/o girl who is like a sister/daughter to me. I try to teach her the healthier ways to eat (I'm a veg.) and to know that she's beautiful and healthy. It's REALLY hard.

 

[Skippy123]

That is pretty crazy! I feel bad for her daughter that she will end up w/some crazy complex and eating problems.

 

[Rod]

Guy responding here, so you can ignore my advice if you want. But, even with the additional information that you''ve known your boss and her daughter since she was born, I would not get in the middle of this. If the daughter continues to confide in you, you should advise her to be honest with her mother or father about how she feels. But, you would IMHO, be jeopardizing your friendship and possibly employment if you got in the middle of this personal family matter.

 

[Kaleigh]

That is crazy!!! If I were you, I''d keep doing what you are doing for the daughter, lending an ear, and being supportive of her. But her mom is your boss, and I think she won''t take anything you have to say on this subject very well. Meaning, I think the mom is pretty set in her ways, and ain''t no one going to change her views. She''d probably tell you it''s none of your business.
Tough situation, makes me sad. I feel so bad for the daughter.

 

[snlee]

That''s crazy! I feel so bad for the daughter. I''m glad you are there for the daughter but I wouldn''t say anything to the mom, especially since she''s your boss.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

That is really sad. I don''t think you should say anything. The horrible part is even though the daughter has a great body she will NEVER think so. That kind of behavior is so damaging.

 

[KittenKat]

Ugh. I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with this.

Last Monday, I was in a store dressing room. There was a woman and her very young (14?) daughter in the room next to me. I overheard the mother tell her GORGEOUS, THIN daughter she needs to lose weight. I just about vomited. I felt so bad for this young girl!!!

What the heck is wrong with some people?!?!?

 

[KimberlyH]

Ugh, Amber I know what you mean about crazy parents when it comes to their kids'' weight. I have cousins who are sisters, one has never weighed more than 100 lbs (and it''s a struggle for her to maintain that high of a weight) and the other who was always a bit more solid. Her dad put her on weight watchers when she was 12 (she was by no means overweight, she was simply a growing girl...and we do gain weight before we grow taller). She is now anorexic and has mental problems that require to her to take meds which make her gain weight and so she is in this terrible cycle of taking meds, gaining weight, getting upset about the weight, going off meds, losing weight but not being able to function properly, going back on meds and on and on.

I don''t know if I''d say anything or not, it would depend on the relationship I had with my boss. I would probably continue being a sounding board for the daughter and encouraging her to talk to her mom about what this "weight loss encouragement" does to her.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Oh no. So sad.

How old is the daughter?

I would not say anything . . . the chances that it would make a difference are slim, but the chances that it would hurt you are real. If it seems to be a situation of negligence/abuse and the daughter is a minor, then I''d contact child protective services. But I don''t think casually mentioning to your boss that she is not raising her daughter correctly will solve the situation, sadly.

I think that your role now is to be an example of how to be moderate and healthy in your choices, and also an older woman who is not her mother/family/authority. Be there for the daughter if she needs someone, and encourage healthy eating and healthy weight in a subtle way.

 

[AmberWaves]

Thanks for the advice guys. I''m very close with the daughter, who is 16, and the mom often uses me for a sounding board. So I was really weighing the options. I said, "Does she really need to lose that much weight, that you''re going to pay her for it?" And she was like, "She needs to lose weight in her stomach, arms, back and hips. She just needs to be able to jump higher!"

Ugh. I can see her starting to hide the fact that she''s eating bread and hoarding cookies. I just worry so much for her. This has been going on for years, the mother herself has some kind of eating disorder, contantly thinking she''s too heavy, when in reality her skin is sagging, and deeply tanned, she just bought a new sports car, and turned 45. I think this is a kind of self-esteem thing, ya know? The girl goes to a VERY competitive private girl''s school in LA, taking honors classes, playing for TWO volleyball teams, and is the family chauffeur, taking her brother everywhere (even though it''s against the law, her parents make her). It''s just frustrating.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ewwww!!!!!!!!!

How terrible!!!

My father told my sister, whose BMI was always 24ish+, so she wasn''t underweight by any means, just heavier by nature, that she should get in shape/lose weight. Then she got an eating disorder, and after a bit of denial, my parents totally changed their approach. Now I am trying to tell them that I have lost 15 pounds that I didn''t need, and they''re like, "Wait! Don''t lose too much!" It''s a little deflating since I''d like kudos, but it''s ultimately better than not accepting me for who I am or wanting me to be too skinny.

Well, if you are friends with the boss and her daughter, and she mentions it in a friendly "What do you think?" way, then I''d say things that:
*are positive in the daugher''s and her defense ("I know you want to be a good mother, so . . . ")
*are inquisitive and open-minded
*play the devil''s advocate . . . "Hmm, yes, maybe, but have you considered this?"

 

[bee*]

I had a friend like this when I was growing up whose mother used to be the exact same to her-everything she ate, whether it was a piece of lettuce or anything else, her mother would say a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. My friend was 5ft 10 and under 100lbs-she was so skinny and her mother would still be like that with her. I saw her again last year when we bumped into each other and she was still like this. It''s crazy.

Im not sure if you should say something or not. If it comes up in conversation maybe just mention something, but I wouldn''t sit her down and bring it up

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Mothers and daughters have such strange relationships don''t they? My MIL is always telling my two SIL''s to not put on too much weight and to watch what they eat, etc. They are both tall women and neither are fat my any means. I guess MIL''s comments has "helped" them be aware of what they are eating and what size they are, but I can''t image what may be going through their heads. I don''t think it''s a problem for them because it doesn''t seem extreme.

Personally, I''m thin and would like to stay that way. My mom was a skinny little thing until she had kids. Then she got fat and has never really lost the weight. I don''t want to be like that so I''m aware of what I''m eating and how much I''m exercising. I don''t "diet" per se, but I do watch what I eat and make sure I get physical exercise a few times a week. My motto is everything in moderation.

I might casually mention the situation to your boss and see what she says. It''s great that her daughter excels in sports but at what cost to her overall health?

 

[Lorelei]

ugh...I feel very sorry for this poor girl. If a parent makes you believe that you are only worthy when you are thin, this can lead to real misery for the rest of your life, unless you can find a way to reverse it - and that is hard. I hope she finds a way out of this situation.

 

[surfgirl]

I disagree with the "staying out of it" group. This kid sounds like she''s in danger of being pushed into an eating disorder. That''s serious enough that I think you should talk to the daughter. See if you can go with her maybe to talk to her doctor. Maybe the girl''s doctor can talk some sense into her mother? From a medical perspective? And I''d keep telling the mother that her daughter isn''t fat, she''s in a normal range. Ask her mother, "Is it more important that your daughter jumps higher or develops a serious eating disorder?" This woman sounds like she''s way too wrapped up in what other people think.

 

[princesss]

PLEASE be an ego boost to the daughter. Seriously. She''s in such a dangerous position right now and she needs somebody to tell her that she''s fine how she is. As somebody with a history of having issues with food and dieting, I can''t stress enough how much I wish I had just one person telling me I was fine. Just one. It could have made all the difference...instead I''ve been struggling for 8 years with my weight and my eating habits (first too much control, then not enough).

Pair that with the fact that my roommate lived in almost the same conditions this girl does (she''s 5/7" MAYBE 120 on a fat day and her mom continues to pressure her to lose weight) I''ve seen and felt what it''s like to never feel "right". I''ll probably always think I''m fat, even though logically I know I''m not.

However, with your boss it''s rough. Could you suggest that instead of dieting like mad she see a nutritionist and personal trainer? That way she''d have to eat more so that she could build muscle (really, how does losing back fat help somebody jump higher?). She could work her legs, abs, and back to have core muscles and more power to jump without troubling her shoulder. It seems like the mom won''t let her stop working out, so this could be a healthier way to go about it.

I''m so sorry you''re in the middle of this, but please...I can''t stress enough how much this girl needs to hear you tell her that she''s fine. Perfect, even. She''s in so much danger right now and she needs you.

 

[anchor31]

I feel so bad for the daughter!

I finished HS in a special music program and along with 3 other girls attending the same school, I lived at a retired couple''s house because the school was too far from home. The woman was wonderful, a very kind retired teacher, but she was OBSESSED with her weight. She''d talk about it all the time and about how she was counting calories. One of the girls became anorexic and was hospitalised. Another of the girl was studying ballet... she didn''t have an eating disorder, but very nearly. She had episodes, but I tried to keep her in check (I was the eldest by 3 years). The third girl was slightly overweight and she felt awful. She used to come to me crying, saying how she felt like she was this horrible fat girl next to everyone else who were so thin, and her and me were the only one who were eatng properly. Heck, I never had eating issues, but in the second year I started having episodes when things got rough!

So, being around somone who is so obsessed with losing weight can have a very devastating effect on teenagers. Be there for the poor girl, and if her mother asks for your opinion again, don''t be afraid to give it. This woman needs to realize that she''s not helping her daughter, and that her health should come first, not her looks or sports.