My bf is upset... :(

[beezygal]

Don't worry, my bf is not upset about me nagging about the proposal. Here's the story:

My bf's mom wants a pair of diamond earrings for her mother's day present. She didn't like her mother's day present and my bf had to returned it. Last week, his mom told him she wants a pair of diamond earrings for her mother's day present. Her friend has a pair and she wants one. My bf is ok with it. SOOOO... today, we went to the mall to pick out the gift. We know his mom is VERY PICKY, so I told him to ask his mom exactly what kind of diamond earrings she wants. She wants something small in white gold and not expensive. She kept on saying NOT TOO BIG. After looking at several pairs from different stores, we found a pair of Canadian diamond earrings (0.25ctw) on sale for $412+tax. It comes with two certs for the diamonds. The other pairs we saw have no cert and I could clearly see the inclusion with my naked eyes even though they're around 0.30ctw. My bf kept on thinking about buying it or not because his mom is very very picky. It's a clearance item, so he can only exchange it. I was really excited because I really think this is a very very nice pair. My bf and I are well educated in diamonds now. Thanks to PS.

When we're at his house, we were both very excited to show it to his mom. She saw it and said... "wow... this is so big." We were kind of confused. It's not THAT big. Then she said... "they're so big, you can't even see them..." At that point, both of us felt like someone just punched us in the face. She said she didn't expect her diamonds to be smaller than her friend's. (She already thinks her friend's earrings were small.) She also said her friend's earrings were very sparkly and YELLOWISH. ( no they're not yellow diamonds...) Apparently, the diamonds we picked are TOO WHITE. She doesn't understand anything about diamonds. I didn't want to sound like a know it all. I just kindly explain that the bigger one we saw doesn't look sparkly and this one comes with certs. She's like... "what are the certs for? for selling???" She also said she saw on a flyer before about a pair of 0.50 carat earrings for $200. She thinks it's 0.50 carat each stud too. $200 for 1.00 carat total weight? Do you think it's possible, ladies? If you see them, please run!

For the rest of the night, my bf was very unhappy and upset. He told her mom in a very calm voice (but upset face) that this is already very expensive... if you want something BIGGER, it will be in the thousands. Then, his mom was shocked and said.. "wow.. really? it's ok then, since you bought it already. I don't want you to return it again. hahaha" (everytime my bf gets her something, she never likes it and my bf would return it) Later on, when I'm home, he called me and said he's thinking about the earrings. He asked me if I can hard sell the pair of earrings to his mom. I told him I don't want to and I shouldn't. My bf showed her my e-ring and told her we'll be engaged soon. If I hard sell the earrings, she might think I made her son buy her something so "small" to use the extra money on me. I don't know if it makes any sense. He understands. He paid $500 after tax for it. His mom would have a heart attack knowing it's that expensive. He's very upset and said to me it's a lot of money and his mom doesn't even appreciate it. He is not a big spender AT ALL. Earlier today, I was jokingly saying "what if your mom wants the diamond to be as big as my e-ring? HAHAHA"

I love my mom. She is happy with EVERYTHING I get her. I always get her different stuff. One time I totally surprised her with a pendant (heart-shaped amethyst with side diamonds). She was soooooooo happy that she kept on hugging me and kissing me and wanted to cry. She said as long as it's from me, she loves it even if it's from the dollar store. I feel so upset for my bf. He's a very good guy. Too bad he can't get a HAPPY reaction from his mom.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[diva rose]

Ok Breezygal - here is some advice to deal with your future mother in law.

As an Asian myself and from the posts I have read about you and your families (MIL etc), I can relate. My DH is Canadian Taiwanese and a lot of his friends are Canadian Asians. I also deal with a lot of old Asian ladies - the 'old' culture etc.
It's a cultural thing and I think a lot of PSers will be appalled when reading the post about your future MIL.

However her wanting bigger diamond earrings, it not just about her, it's about your bf also. It is so she can show off to her friends and say 'my son gave me these'. Bling!

Next time, it's best to get the MIL something big. Sounds like to her it's the quantity not quality that matters.

I recommend your bf needs to learn how to keep his mother happy.
Yes what she did wasn't nice, but I can tell you right now, she isn't going to change.

If he knew she is picky - never buy something you can't return. No matter how good the deal is.

I also suggest you don't hard sell those earrings. Once she looks at your diamond ring - she won't be happy and that green little monster inside her is going to come out. Instead of hating on her son, she will hate on you.

Why don't you keep the earrings and give them to somebody else? Like your mother for her birthday.
Then tell your future MIL - you will save money and get her a bigger pair of diamonds later.

 

[beezygal]

Ok Breezygal - here is some advice to deal with your future mother in law.

As an Asian myself and from the posts I have read about you and your families (MIL etc), I can relate. My DH is Canadian Taiwanese and a lot of his friends are Canadian Asians. I also deal with a lot of old Asian ladies - the 'old' culture etc.
It's a cultural thing and I think a lot of PSers will be appalled when reading the post about your future MIL.

However her wanting bigger diamond earrings, it not just about her, it's about your bf also. It is so she can show off to her friends and say 'my son gave me these'. Bling!

Next time, it's best to get the MIL something big. Sounds like to her it's the quantity not quality that matters.

I recommend your bf needs to learn how to keep his mother happy.
Yes what she did wasn't nice, but I can tell you right now, she isn't going to change.

If he knew she is picky - never buy something you can't return. No matter how good the deal is.

I also suggest you don't hard sell those earrings. Once she looks at your diamond ring - she won't be happy and that green little monster inside her is going to come out. Instead of hating on her son, she will hate on you.

Why don't you keep the earrings and give them to somebody else? Like your mother for her birthday.
Then tell your future MIL - you will save money and get her a bigger pair of diamonds later.

Exactly my thought diva. Her mom doesn't get along with his husband's family. She's always upset for no reason. I'm always scared she will hate me someday. My bf said maybe once I'm a family member, she'll dislike me too. I didn't pay for the earrings. My bf did. He can exchange or get store credit. His mom just said it's ok. She doesn't want my bf to spend a lot of money but she wants bigger ones. That's kinda hard. If my bf gets a bigger/cheaper one, maybe one day she might bump into a friend and the friend might say it's bad quality? You never know. My bf and I both think it's weird that she wants a pair of earrings. She doesn't have a lot of clothes. She doesn't wear any jewellery or carry any purses. She doesn't have many friends (to show off to) because she doesn't really get along with anyone. My bf told me all this. I just think her mom is super nice to me. She already saw my e-ing. My bf told me his mom just asked if I need to get him one too. She's probably thinking about wedding bands. I don't know how she feels about that. I told my bf not to tell her the price of the e-ring. He agrees. *sigh*

 

[MissMina]

Two Words:
Gift Certificate
Take the onus off your BF
Let her choose her own gift

(And good on you for not nagging about the proposal)

 

[danners84]

You ladies are much nicer than I am... I would let her enjoy (or not) the earrings, and future gifts would be a plant/flowers and a card.

But I understand him wanting to please her. Since the earrings can be exchanged, why don't the two of you take her back to the store and show her the other options she has? Point out why you thought she'd prefer the other ones, and let her choose whether she wants quality over quantity, or vice versa.

Just remember, you are setting a precedent for how future similar situations will be handled.

 

[PavePrincess]

Okay, so I COMPLETELY understand how your bf feels. My mom is the WORST gift receiver ever. When I was younger I got her a plate set that SHE ASKED FOR and she ended up donating it to an auction. That was the last "real" gift I got her for a while. My poor dad always tries to be sweet and surprise her with gifts. They've been married for 28 years.. you'd the the man would have learned his lesson.

Examples of gifts my mom has returned:
Heart diamond pendant (she said it was too young looking)
Platinum diamond tennis bracelet (she said all of her jewelry was yellow gold.. she didn't like it)
Tiffany watch (my dad told her there was one with diamonds so she wanted to return it)

I swear he only gives her gifts now every couple of years. That is when he gets over the heartbreak of his last attempt.

The fiance and I recently got her a jewel jet since she loves to clean her jewelry. That woman was just like "oh thanks, can I return it?" I told her no, and if she didn't want it I'd give it to someone else who did. I also told her I'm not getting her presents anymore if that's how she's going to act (in a somewhat playful way).

So, my question is.. Does she expect gifts?? **My mom doesn't anymore**
If so, does she realize this hurts your bf's feelings?? If, not may he should tell her..

Urgh.. why do some people have to be so difficult???

 

[Indylady]

Beezy, I feel your pain!!

My mom has been known to behave similarly. My dad didn't buy presents for her for YEARS because she'd often be disappointed or think that we paid too much, or both. GAH.

How did we fix it?

A) Take her to the store to let her pick.

and

B) Buy her things anyway, and say, "Its a gift. If you don't like it, I'll take it back!"

Consider getting this mom http://www.jtv.com/Candlelight-Diamond- ... lt,pd.html

Or http://www.jtv.com/on/demandware.store/ ... id=1037467

If you haven't bought wedding bands yet, I'd go and exchange the earrings for wedding bands and get her the JTV earrings. You should also consider asking the store if they'll issue you a refund anyways; though it is unlikely, they may make an exception. Size can often be king to someone who's not knowlegable about jewelery. I generally only gift things I'd enjoy myself, but I've come to accept that different people have different priorities. My cousin chose these http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_1260 ... ockType=G7 = over much nicer .25 studs. I know what you're thinking. "Say it ain't so Indy!" It was just one of those times that I had to tuck my diamond knowlege away. I'm sorry your FMIL is being difficult!

 

[Autumnovember]

yeaaaaah....umm wow.

I don't even know what to say because her entire reaction to the earring was

I would be just as upset as your bf is. She really reacted inappropriately, and she honestly probably does not see anything wrong with how she acted.

I may have missed it but is there any way to return them? If so, could he possibly take her with him to pick out a pair she likes?

I feel so bad for your BF mainly because I know how bad it hurts when you think someone is going to love the gift you bought them and then....they don't

 

[peach_tea_for_me]

This really makes me blood boil! My mom and my bf's dad can both be very difficult at times, especially when it comes to gifts. I have given my mom gifts and there's always something she finds to criticize about it. My bf's dad is actually worse than my mom about it, he will flat our reject the gift and tell my bf that he needs to return it. Why he can't do this himself, I'm not sure. It's unappreciative and ungrateful behavior. I've always thought that if I don't like a gift, I put on a smile and say thank you and will do what I will with it on my own time. No need to offend the gift giver for their generosity.
I guess no matter what you do with your bf's mom it won't be good enough. You need to really understand what that means and make peace with it. This will protect you from having your feelings hurt or trying to hard to please her. Someone above recommended gift certificates which is a great idea, I'm sure you'll hear complaints about how impersonal that is as well, but it's worth a shot. Or take her shopping with you, find what she likes and surprise her with it later. I'm sure even then she'll have some commentary. Don't take it personal, it's her that is unable to be happy and it's something that is bigger than just a gift.
I know there are a few personality disorders that this behavior is linked to- you might want to read more on that to keep your own sanity together.
Hope maybe you can get some wear from the earrings and that your day gets much better!

 

[beezygal]

Thanks for all the replies ladies!

I got up this morning, I feel really awful. I was thinking maybe my bf should tell his mom the price of the earrings. Then, maybe she realized that $200 for BIGGER earrings is NOT possible. I'm actually getting pissed just thinking about it. From what I hear from my bf, her mom has a very weird personality. In another thread, I told you guys that her mom was upset that my bf went to his grandma's funeral and his cousin's wedding. She is always upset about little stuff. One time she was upset because my bf used the WRONG type of drainer for his pasta. Everytime she is upset, she wont' talk to anyone or cook for a few days. She'll just be in her room. I feel sorry for my bf's dad. He's so nice that he doesn't complain and just do the cooking. So, everytime his mom is mad, my bf will avoid going home. He'll be at my house as soon as he's off work. His sister couldn't stand her and moved out with her bf a few years ago. I did tell my bf to give her cash before, since she's so picky. He said she might be pissed that he's "lazy". I will suggest to him AGAIN to just give cash from now on. Chinese people always give cash as gifts anyways. His sister is smart. Whenever it's his mom's b-day/mother day, she'll just pay for dinner. DONE! SMART!!!! Can't return THAT! My bf should really move out. Since we'll have to look for a place to live after we're married, he wants to move out sooner.

So, his mom doesn't want to exchange it. I don't mind paying my bf the $500, so that I can get the store credit. I can use the store credit for my mom. She appreciates everything I get her. I love her for that. Maybe my bf can give his mom $200 cash and ask her to buy BIGGER diamonds. Good luck to her!

 

[Jessie702]

I am so sorry Bg. I really dont know what to say. The idea of giving her cash is a good idea, or maybe next time, tell him, to take her with him, and let her pick so he can get her excatly what she wants. Ya Know. I am so sorry about your FMIL....((((HUGS)))))

 

[dawnabee]

Sorry your dealing with this Beezygal! You and your SO were very generous and thoughtful in choosing the diamond earrings for her so you shouldn't feel bad at all. If she is that hard to please she should have asked to go shopping with you... if she could ask for diamond earring she shouldnt be shy about asking to pick them herself. I think you should get the store credit and give it to his mother so she can look for them herself... maybe then she will realize the expense of them. I feel bad this upsets your SO too, I know my SO's mother and sister say/do things that upset him and then I get mad too at them You just have to take the good with the bad sometimes and let it be.

I hope it all works out okay! HUGGGSS

 

[beezygal]

update: (I posted this in the LIW small chat thread)

I just called my bf to see how he's doing. He's better. He just said "it's expensive.."

I told him my plan:
1. Tell her how much it is $600 regular price. We both think she thinks it's very very cheap, like less than $100.
2. Since it can only be exchanged, I'll pay my bf the money and I'll use the store credit on my mom.
3. No gifts from now on. CASH ONLY!
4. Give her $200 this time and tell her to buy diamond earrings of HER size. She'll probably realized that it's impossible. That would teach her a lesson.

He is supposed to get me a gift for our anniversary. I told him not to, 'cuz I feel bad for what happened with his mom. He said he'll propose real soon to make up for it.

I told him I'm worried that my parents and his parents might have argument because according to some Chinese tradition, the groom's parents HAVE to buy me some gold jewellry. His mom might not know about stuff like this. My bf just said... "whatever my parents need to buy, I'll just buy them for you." When I heard that, I feel so sweet. He would buy the stuff to avoid conflicts. I love him more than ever! His mom has a very good son. My mom knows about his mom's weird personality, so my mom treats my bf VERY well, like his own son.

 

[Dancing Fire]

buy her a pair of 3ctw CZs

 

[beezygal]

You're funny DF!

I'm glad my mom is TOTALLY not like that.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'm sorry you're going through this and I know first hand how tough it can be. Heck, my mom screamed (yes, screamed) at the poor walmart lady over a penny. NO JOKE I know that my own mother has several mental issues, and it sounds as though your future MIL does too. I don't honestly think anything is really about the gift to them, rather it's about the control. Refusing to talk to people and staying in your room is about control. They think that they're hurting other people by doing this (and sometimes they are) and that person then decides when everybody else will be graced with their presence (and cooking). Having the ability to make you feel bad and to be able to make you do something about it. What I do for my mother is buy her a very inexpensive gift and never send a gift receipt. If she complains about it I tell her that it was a gift and she can now do with it what she wants.

eta: my mother once outright called me a liar because she was positive that her diamond was not a diamond but rather a CZ. I asked what on earth made her think that....she said "because it sparkles too much to be a diamond"

 

[beezygal]

I'm sorry you're going through this and I know first hand how tough it can be. Heck, my mom screamed (yes, screamed) at the poor walmart lady over a penny. NO JOKE I know that my own mother has several mental issues, and it sounds as though your future MIL does too. I don't honestly think anything is really about the gift to them, rather it's about the control. Refusing to talk to people and staying in your room is about control. They think that they're hurting other people by doing this (and sometimes they are) and that person then decides when everybody else will be graced with their presence (and cooking). Having the ability to make you feel bad and to be able to make you do something about it. What I do for my mother is buy her a very inexpensive gift and never send a gift receipt. If she complains about it I tell her that it was a gift and she can now do with it what she wants.

Yup! My bf thinks she is crazy too. She is just pushing everyone away from her. My bf's dad is SO nice that he accepts her the way she is. He never complain. He never argue with her. My bf said once we're married, we'll avoid going home to see her mom. Well, we'll just see her on special occasions, but not like EVERY WEEK. It's sad. My bf is very very nice to his mom. He puts up with her when she's just pissed for no reason. However, he thinks this might be the best way to do it.

 

[diva rose]

buy her a pair of 3ctw CZs

Ditto! Great Idea - kekeke


Breezy - your bf is a gem and a keeper.
I think the cash idea is excellent.

 

[beezygal]

buy her a pair of 3ctw CZs

Ditto! Great Idea - kekeke


Breezy - your bf is a gem and a keeper.
I think the cash idea is excellent.

Thanks diva! He is a keeper! I can't wait 'til we're married.

 

[heyme]

That's a sad story. I would feel so bad. I don't understand how people can't just be thankful when they get a gift. Even when I don't like something - I am polite and thankful. The cash idea seems to be the best idea. And like you said - she can go out and TRY to buy nicer earrings with $200!

 

[beezygal]

That's a sad story. I would feel so bad. I don't understand how people can't just be thankful when they get a gift. Even when I don't like something - I am polite and thankful. The cash idea seems to be the best idea. And like you said - she can go out and TRY to buy nicer earrings with $200!

$200 for bigger diamonds. GOOD LUCK!

well... maybe because it's a gift from someone so close to her. Whenever I get her gifts, she likes them. Maybe she's just pretending since I'm only his son's bf.

But I really think she's being really rude. She was laughing the entire time too. We're like.... WTH. I guess we can't blame her since she doesn't know anything about diamonds. However, it's common sense. Bigger diamond = more $$$ and doesn't mean it will sparkle more. Oh well, I'm upset because she doesn't appreciate them. She probably still think it's very cheap and SMALL. It's $500 OMG! SHE really needs to know the price!!! My bf said she'll probably put it in the safe deposit box anyways.