My 5 year old is a real worrier - any books / ideas to help

[D2B]

Hi

Well, pricescope is full of a bunch of wonderful ladies (and men) who might have some ideas on how to help me.
My 5 year old in the last few weeks has turned into a real worrier about school related things, starting new things, joining new sports etc.

He is doing very well at school - he is in his first year, has many friends, and doing excellent academically. He has always been slow to accept new things, eg joining a new playgroup or music class in the past, but once he has overcome his initial shyness, loves it and is a real verbal and social participant.

Lately he is just so worried, about having the right colour uniform for sport, about starting after school care and not knowing anyone, etc.

The new things in his life are school this year ( which as gone really well), me starting work 3 weeks ago part-time, and him starting after school care for 2 times a week. But even a few weeks prior to that we went to start a junior sport activity and he was too scared to go on to the oval and play with the team ( half were his schoolmates). In hindsight w we should have come there early before the teams were on the oval, and introduced him to the game while no one was there and people slowly filter in iykwim, which is what works best.

I know that once he is over that hurdle he loves it and would be the most acitve and social one on the team. I just dont know what to do, I am really gettting a bit worried, I have just spent the last hour talking to him in bed, and trying to calm his fears about going to afterschool care on a different night, ( my work asked me to change days just for this week). The care is the same one as the one he has started and most likely will have a lot of the same kids, as most mums work more than one day. He is just so worried about not knowing anyone, how will he get to the care room ( it is just around the corner and the same one he goes to on the other days), about me not forgetting to pick him up, in case older kids might tease him ( he says they havnt)......

I dont know... I am a bit down now, I want to build his confidence and reliliance. He is confident once he knows the situation, but his resiliance and worrying - is of concern to me.

Any books any one can recommend to build resiliance, deal with worries? Books on how to handle change? We have moved countries last year with him, but returned home so to speak so he had some friends there, and family of course. ( just to give you the full picture). He loved where we were overseas and had a great bunch of friends and social circle, but has settled in well here at home and adores spending time with grandpaents and has lots of new friends.

I dont know ... any books, ideas, website much appreciated. I just want to help him get some skills to be more resiliant, and worry less. I know I am a worrier, but i have learnt to deal with it as an adult, and really cant remember worrying so much as he does at the moment when I was a child......

Many thanks
DB

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I had a similar experience with my daughter (she's 9) a few weeks ago when i told her she was going to have a try at soccer (more like a coaching school than an actual game).
In the past she has been happy to try new things with not too many worries, but this time it was different. She screamed and cried giving me every reason under the sun as to why she shouldn't try it out. After she calmed down i was finally able to get it out of her... she was worried that she wouldn't know anyone there and she wouldn't know how to play the game and would look stupid.

We went out and bought a soccerball and taught her a few basic things, it helped build her confindence and she was happy to go on the weekend. The coach asked her if she had done soccer before and he seemed genuinely suprised that she hadn't, which made her very happy.

It really worried me to see her act this way because i was exactly the same as a child. I was too scared to try new things, never went out and did stuff with others, found it hard to make friends and now i think it as affected me as an adult.

Helping your child build resilience is really important imo, i really feel for your little man because i remember feeling the same way and i wish that i had someone there to help and encourage me along the way.

I had a quick scan of this website and it gives some good practical tips on helping children build resilience.

http://www.kidslife.com.au/Page.aspx?ID=1425

I hope you can get some ideas from it and goodluck!

 

[softly softly]

D2B your son sounds a lot like my 5 year old boy who also started school this year. The one thing that stands out from reading your post is that your little one has a lot going on at the moment - moving, starting a new school, new sport and new care arrangement. As happy as he is in his new environment perhaps it''s just a lot for him to process. I have noticed since my son started school this year just how big an adjustment socially and emotionally it is for him, much more so than 4 year old kindergarten. While he is happy and loves his teachers and seems to have made friends easily he is also often quite drained at the end of the day because it is exhausting for him adjusting to a new environment full of new expectations and people.

Like your boy my son likes knowing exactly what is expected of him because that is how he makes sense of the world around him and that is what puts him at ease, so really your son''s worries don''t sound that over the top to me. The only suggestion I would make is perhaps asking him if he would prefer to not do his sport activity at this point in time. Since it is an after school activity there is perhaps little to be gained in pursuing it if it is making him anxious and from your post it sounds like it is just adding to his general stress at the moment. Is he able to join in later when he feels more comfortable?

Reading your post it sounds like what is causing you both the most stress at the moment is adjusting to your new work schedule. While I know how hard it is as a parent feeling like your child is unhappy in a situation you can''t change, I''m sure once he gets used to going to after school care on the new day he will settle down and not seem so anxious.

 

[D2B]

Thanks hawaiinorgantree and sotfly softly - I am so pleased you both have responded. It has been hard watching my little man struggle with worries and fears like this.

I will check out the website - it is an australian one, I am also an aussie

Anyother suggestions again - keep them comming. It cant be that uncommon a problem I would imagine.

Thanks again
Db

 

[softly softly]

Hope your little man has a great day today Db. I know how hard it is to watch them struggle and feel like nothing you are doing is helping, but it sounds like he just takes awhile to warm up to new situations. Have you thought of speaking to his teacher about it? He/She may be able to give some tips on how to respond to your son when he gets anxious or nervous about new situations and may be able to work with him to develop some more coping skills.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/26/2010 4:43:56 PM
Author: D2B
Thanks hawaiinorgantree and sotfly softly - I am so pleased you both have responded. It has been hard watching my little man struggle with worries and fears like this.

I will check out the website - it is an australian one, I am also an aussie

Anyother suggestions again - keep them comming. It cant be that uncommon a problem I would imagine.

Thanks again
Db

Hi Db! I did not realise you were an Aussie too! (Must have been a lucky guess with the website

)

I agree with softly for you to go and talk to his teacher, i think it was last year or the year before maybe? there was a school package on teaching children resilience, so your sons teacher should have access to some great resources.

I too hope today is a better day! Remember to reassure him and encourage him to talk about what is worrying him.. things always seem so much better when you have got them off your chest!

 

[D2B]

Thanks again,

Yep have talked to the teacher, she said she would have a look, but I dont hold out much hope, if she didnt know it straight away, then I dont think she will get anything for me.

What state was the resiliance package tought in? We are in Victoria

I talk to him a lot, encourage him to tell me how he feels, find ways to deal with the problems if they encounter etc, but he is still a worrier.... oh, he had a great day once he was there... ( which i knew he would)

Thanks

 

[softly softly]

Date: 5/27/2010 3:53:45 AM
Author: D2B



Thanks again,


Yep have talked to the teacher, she said she would have a look, but I dont hold out much hope, if she didnt know it straight away, then I dont think she will get anything for me.


What state was the resiliance package tought in? We are in Victoria


I talk to him a lot, encourage him to tell me how he feels, find ways to deal with the problems if they encounter etc, but he is still a worrier.... oh, he had a great day once he was there... ( which i knew he would)


Thanks

I''m glad to hear that your son had a great day - maybe now that he has seen that changing days is not so scary his overall confidence will increase. To answer your question, I think Hawiianorangetree is in W.A. I''m in Victoria like you and I haven''t heard of any specific package targeted at teaching resilience in kids, but this our first year of primary school so it is entirely possible that there is something out there from a few years ago. Another source of information might be your Child Health Nurse if you have one. I know they generally deal with younger kids, but perhaps they should have access to some resources for dealing with the first year of school.

It sounds like you are doing your absolute best to listen to and reassure your son. Please don''t feel like his anxiety is abnormal. While I agree that resilience is very important, your descriptions of your son''s fears and concerns actually sound quite normal to me. Almost halfway through the year I feel that many of the kids in my son''s class (my son included) are still finding their way around the classroom and playground. One little girl spent most of first term in tears because she was so scared of the playground. She has recently made huge progress and is now enjoying school which is wonderful to see. What was especially reassuring as a parent was watching how sensitively the teacher approached the problem and seeing how hard she worked to integrate this little girl into the class so she would feel comfortable coming to school.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hi DB

I am hoping that you see this email before the changeover happens... if not i can repost it again when the new system is up.

Yes i am in WA (thanks softly

). I couldn''t find the resiliency program i was thinking of but there is one called ''kids matter''. It''s not just for resiliency, but for good mental health in general. It has been running as a pilot program since 2006 but i believe it was being picked up by lots of schools in 2010.

http://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/kidsmatter-overview/kidsmatter-in-2009/

If your school has not picked it up it could be because you are not in a ''high risk'' area. The program is aimed at students at risk, but is also a great tool for prevention.

This is a pdf that gives parents an overview of the program, there is also a list of the schools using the program.

http://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/kidsmatter-overview-2009.pdf

Here are some resources for parents from the site. Components 2 and 3 may be of interest/help.

http://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/resources/information-resources/

I also found this website that may be helpful.

http://www.embracethefuture.org.au/resiliency/index.htm

There''s even a kids page where they can do their own activites and quizes to help learn about resiliency.

Now some of the information on the kids matter site is a little scary! Please remember that it is for teachers too and it is aimed at high risk kids (i certainly dont think you guys fall into that catagory!), but if you are able to take little hints and tips from it for yourself and your son that is great!!
As softly said, you are doing everything right, but i know its hard to sit and watch your child deal with something like this.. it leaves you feeling so.. helpless!! One thing i did notice in the information sheet is that supportive and caring parents are a huge protective factor for good mental health and it sounds to me like your son is in good hands.

Sometimes these things just take a little time and its normal to have these feelings. Like softly, i remember a little girl who started year one crying. She spent the whole first term hiding under the table and never spoke a word to anyone, by the end of the year she was bossing the kids around (in a good way!)

 

[D2B]

Thanks heaps, Hawaiinorangetree.

I have copied the post so I dont lose it

, and will read this weekend. Thanks so much for your detailed search - you have no idea how much I appreciate it

best go, having breakfast and must do school drop off before work

DB

 

[Jas12]

Let us know how it goes!!

My son is only 2, but i already have a feeling he''s going to be like your son! He''s a first born kid to two first born parents (cautious and calm/chill dad, cautious and once anxious mom) I think i should start reading up on things now too!