MSN article: 10 Reasons Why Guys Want to Wait For Marriage

[therighttime]

When I logged in to msn messenger to send some pictures to a friend, this is what popped up. Hmmm.. is someone trying to tell me something?

Let me know what you all think about the article. Seems we have all discussed most of it on the boards already.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/CouplesandMarriage/ArticleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=1070537&GT1=8681

 

[goldenstar]

that was a great article! i can see alot of truth in it.

for me, it brings to mind the age old saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". i believe in that, but i don''t take it to extremes. i just think think you shouldn''t be a wife to your boyfriend.

i also think that it helps in a way to have a boyfriend thats slightly older than you are. since women mature faster, it puts people more on the same page. my bf is 30, i''m 25. he''s at the age where marriage is on his mind, which is great for me. i don''t know if a 25 year old man would be thinking about marriage.

he''s had enough of the dating scene, so i don''t have to worry about him wanting to sow his wild oats. other benefits of his age is that he''s more secure career-wise, and is old enough to be open to having children. i know that relationships happen naturally, but it often works out well if there''s a slight age difference. IMHO

 

[Becky P]

That article was spot on! Reason #10 is exactly what my bf says every time we have a conversation!!!

Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can. Men fear losing their solitary pleasures by marrying, the study found. And they become accustomed to their own space and routines. They enjoy the freedom of not having to be responsible to anyone else.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I am in the number 2 category....not a good place to be. If I had the choice to go back, I NEVER would like with a bf unless we were engaged. Bad idea. IMHO.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/18/2006 2:54:08 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
I am in the number 2 category....not a good place to be. If I had the choice to go back, I NEVER would like with a bf unless we were engaged. Bad idea. IMHO.

Alexis - Maybe you should move out? Not necessarily break up, but get your own place and let him thing things over for a while... If he wants to keep you, he''ll have to marry you.

 

[janinegirly]

agree that moving in complicates progress. but no one should beat themselves over it. it is very common in society today and is seen as a reaction to the soaring divorce statistics. Yes i know the stats that say living together increases divorce,etc.etc, but when you''re in a relationship, it feels like the logical next step. Especially if you talk about each other''s expectations from living together.
Once in it, it is NOT so easy to just move out and say, ok let''s see if this leads to marriage quicker. Your lives are immersed and falling into a wife role is not something intended, it just happens! Each person falls into their natural role as a man or woman. The only thing you can do is be proactive, remind your bf this is not how you want it, not what you believe in (just living together indefinitely), set timlelines, remind him once in awhile. It''s a big pain in the @$$, but its the price of trying to not be the provider of free milk!!

 

[Erin]

I think he would favor

Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry.

but especially
Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife.

He''s always said he wants things to be happy and perfect when the time is right.
Perfect? Good luck with that. Maybe we should also put off kids until we can afford them.....

 

[DMBsGirl]

Well they definitely got my boyfriend''s reason in there! He says he doesnt want to think about marriage until he owns his own place. Thankfully for me, he was just approved for an apartment he wanted to buy! Hopefully he doesn''t turn around and use another reason on the list!

Especially because I would like some sort of bigger commitment before we live together. I do not want to end up being the cow giving free milk forever

 

[blueroses]

For us/him it was #5 and #10. Fear of change and letting go of single life (which is also really fear of change)

 

[musey]

For him it''s...
#2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
The "they appreciate the domestic benefits of cohabitation, and the ability to share expenses, but thought marriage unnecessary at this point in life" REALLY rings true for us/him!!!
and...
#7: Men face few social pressures to marry.
My parents call whenever they see a tearjerker commercial about being grandparents to ask, "so, are you thinking of getting pregnant yet" ha! HIS dad calls to say, "you know, I was exactly your age when I got married. ...Don''t get any ideas!!!" Ugh.

How many of you are fighting the urge to email your bf the URL?

 

[musey]

P.S... did any of you vainly click on the related article link for "10 signs he's about to propose?"

I know I did!!

 

[ladykemma]

Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn''t yet appeared. A soul mate, the men said, is a woman who accepts them just as they are and won''t try to change them. The men said they don''t want to settle for second-best. In some cases, the men even said they were living with a woman who was their version of a second-best partner. These men are continuing to hunt for the perfect soul mate.

ouch! so he will continue with present woman to get laid?? ouch.

 

[Becky P]

Date: 10/18/2006 4:44:53 PM
Author: blueroses
For us/him it was #5 and #10. Fear of change and letting go of single life (which is also really fear of change)

Oh boy... Your (newly betrothed) fiance and my bf are definitely one in the same. For him, #10 is a bigger reason, letting go of the single life, but #5 runs a very close second! I better go back, re-read your story, and see what I can learn. We''re at 4 years this weekend, and I do not want to see it drag on and on! Congrats again on getting engaged!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/18/2006 3:32:38 PM
Author: anchor31
If he wants to keep you, he'll have to marry you.

Wouldn't it be great if the men in our lives would marry us just to be married to us, and not "have to" in order to keep/live with us?

 

[elliotgold]

As a guy in a holding pattern of his own... that article rings true. Some points more than others.

-Elliot

 

[janinegirly]

i''d love to hear more eliott! which points and what is it that gf''s can do to prevent bf''s from falling into the stalling patterns or inadvertently creating them..

 

[galeteia]

When the time comes *I* will be the one reluctant to take that last step, not FF. In typical male behaviour, FF avoids making decisions or committing to things, unless he *wants* it/them. Then heaven and earth moves.

What I found interesting was this: [/b]"The men want their wives to work outside the home. They think a wife who works will be a more interesting companion."[/b]

I KNEW the attraction to a 'career woman' wasn't just my own experience. The trouble with this situation, I find, is that men's heads/hearts want a Career Woman but their innards, unconscious expectations, and habits want The Good Little Wife At Home. This ends usually ends up as a nasty struggle as the career woman is supposed to have her own thang going on but STILL be the 'supportive/subordinate' one. Makes me want to throw things.

As it happens, FI is the 'wife' in our relationship-- he cooks, cleans, and as the 'soothing' one, tends to take the emotional nurturer role. All I have to do is laundry once a week.

And, of course, bring some 'free milk' to the equation. Woot! I mean-- oh darn.

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/19/2006 11:40:35 AM
Author: Galateia
When the time comes *I* will be the one reluctant to take that last step, not FF. In typical male behaviour, FF avoids making decisions or committing to things, unless he *wants* it/them. Then heaven and earth moves.

What I found interesting was this: [/b]''The men want their wives to work outside the home. They think a wife who works will be a more interesting companion.''[/b]

I KNEW the attraction to a ''career woman'' wasn''t just my own experience. The trouble with this situation, I find, is that men''s heads/hearts want a Career Woman but their innards, unconscious expectations, and habits want The Good Little Wife At Home. This ends usually ends up as a nasty struggle as the career woman is supposed to have her own thang going on but STILL be the ''supportive/subordinate'' one. Makes me want to throw things.

As it happens, FI is the ''wife'' in our relationship-- he cooks, cleans, and as the ''soothing'' one, tends to take the emotional nurturer role. All I have to do is laundry once a week.

And, of course, bring some ''free milk'' to the equation. Woot! I mean-- oh darn.

Sounds like my DH, haha. He likes cooking, and he does the cleaning and laundry most of the time, too. Your post just made me smile thinking of that. Also, I was wondering when I read that article, do any of you think that wanting to postpone marriage has to do with here the person was raised, or maybe where they are currently living/working? The article said that they interviewed people from Washington DC, Houston, and other major cities. I come from a small city in the west, and this aversion or fear of marriage is not as prevalent... I don''t know... just wondering.

Marisa

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/18/2006 8:14:06 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/18/2006 3:32:38 PM
Author: anchor31
If he wants to keep you, he''ll have to marry you.

Wouldn''t it be great if the men in our lives would marry us just to be married to us, and not ''have to'' in order to keep/live with us?

Agreed. I just think that maybe giving each other some space might encourage the man to think things through and really consider if he wants to marry you or not. Sometimes it works (à la Blueroses!

), sometimes it doesn''t. Of course, that''s just an opinion, the choice is ultimately yours.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/19/2006 11:48:32 AM
Author: poptart
Also, I was wondering when I read that article, do any of you think that wanting to postpone marriage has to do with where the person was raised, or maybe where they are currently living/working? The article said that they interviewed people from Washington DC, Houston, and other major cities. I come from a small city in the west, and this aversion or fear of marriage is not as prevalent... I don't know... just wondering.


Marisa

DEFINITELY! People are usually married by their early twenties "back home" (small midwestern town), and in the case of most of the people I know, it was the guy who desparately wanted to get married... NOW. I live in LA now and marriage is treated as the plague by most people in that age group.

I think metro vs. rural area plays a large part. Maybe it intensifies all of the postponement feelings, since there are so many more options?

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/19/2006 1:06:20 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/19/2006 11:48:32 AM
Author: poptart

Also, I was wondering when I read that article, do any of you think that wanting to postpone marriage has to do with where the person was raised, or maybe where they are currently living/working? The article said that they interviewed people from Washington DC, Houston, and other major cities. I come from a small city in the west, and this aversion or fear of marriage is not as prevalent... I don''t know... just wondering.


Marisa

DEFINITELY! People are usually married by their early twenties ''back home'' (small midwestern town), and in the case of most of the people I know, it was the guy who desparately wanted to get married... NOW. I live in LA now and marriage is treated as the plague by most people in that age group.

I think metro vs. rural area plays a large part. Maybe it intensifies all of the postponement feelings, since there are so many more options?

Musey,

This is EXACTLY the way it is back home, too! The guy desperately wants to get married and the couples are all very young. As a matter of fact, that is the same thing that happened with my husband and I. So this fear of marriage seems new to me, as well as many of my friends who are young and engaged (although some live here in Virginia where I am). I think the metro area, as you said, opens up so many more possibilities and men and women aren''t constantly bombarded into taking the "next step" which, in my home town, is marriage. I just find it sad that marriage has gotten this stigma over the years as being "the end of everything," because my husband and I always viewed it as the beginning of something new and exciting.

Marisa

 

[Larissa]

I truly don''t understand. I don''t understand the pinning this on one gender. It groups men into a category that it''s fair to them or to women.

Reason 1: Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.
Okay, it is more openly acceptable to have sex before marriage. I get this point.

Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
What are the benfits of having a wife as compared to a girlfriend or not partnering at all? I truly don''t see any benefits.

Reason 3: Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
Well...yes, but doesn''t everyone?!?

Reason 4: Men want to wait until they are older to have children.
And so do most university education, middle-class women.

Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
The exact same fears that women have.

Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn''t yet appeared.
This is very good reason. Everyone should wait for the perfect person for them rather than settling, which is likely to contribute to a lower divorce rate (see point 3).

Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry.
Yes, but woman can face few social pressures as well. Go with your heart and don''t listen to media rubish or your pressuring relatives if it doesn''t make you happy.

Reason 8: Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
And so are women. The responsibility of taking on another person for life when that person is not your''s is huge!

Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife.
This makes it sound as though men collect objects in a certain order. Me get job. Me get house. Me get wife. Me Tarzan. I think, in general, women want the same things men do, including a house...it''s really not rocket science.

Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can.
Men don''t feel presure until they start dating. But when you''re dating you''re not single. So how can one be refusing to get married to enjoy the single life yet not living the single life? And what exactly is so great about the single life? How it is different?
My partner can still go out, get drunk, come home at 3am, have a holiday without me, spend money as he wants...we just have a piece of paper that legally connects us...it doesn''t change how we function.

 

[janinegirly]

larissa, good points. some of my thoughts in response:

Reason 1: Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.
Okay, it is more openly acceptable to have sex before marriage. I get this point. This is probably the #1 reason men do not have to rush into marriage and why people who are religious, live in rural areas marry earlier.

Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
What are the benfits of having a wife as compared to a girlfriend or not partnering at all? I truly don''t see any benefits. There are many benefits to a wife vs. girlfriend from a male''s perspective. Someone is always there to welcome them home, do the laundry, cook, pick up their underwear, cuddle up at night, spoil them..and if you''re a live-in gf, you end up doing a lot of that stuff naturally. (I''m talking about doing it voluntarily, not being expected). It''s very comforting. Living like a bachelor has some advantages, sure, but most of them do not involve a better home life.


Reason 3: Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
Well...yes, but doesn''t everyone?!?
Yes, but traditionally, the men are the breadwinners and have more to lose financially in a divorce.
Reason 4: Men want to wait until they are older to have children.
And so do most university education, middle-class women.
Yes, but women have a biological clock. No matter how educated you are, you will have to think about your clock at some point from 30-35. Men can still work on their career during those prime years, and wait till late 30''s, mid 40''s, 50''s if they want.
Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
The exact same fears that women have.
Women are more programmed biologically to nest and build a family/home. Men are less inclined. So anythig that represents an infringement on their freedom will create an innate desire to stall,etc.
Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn''t yet appeared.
This is very good reason. Everyone should wait for the perfect person for them rather than settling, which is likely to contribute to a lower divorce rate (see point 3). I agree with you on this.
Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry.
Yes, but woman can face few social pressures as well. Go with your heart and don''t listen to media rubish or your pressuring relatives if it doesn''t make you happy. Sure, that sounds great, but the fact is that most people are influenced by what is considered desireable in society. Maybe women face LESS social pressure today , but it is not true that they face few social pressures. In fact, women are still judged by their relationship and success of it. It''s unfortunate, but people tend to feel sorry for a single women who is getting older and envy the woman with a perfect relationship and seemingly perfect family life. It is the currency that women are still judged on, even career oriented, independeent women. It is different for men. Society all but leaves them alone to marry at whatever time is convenient to them. If they marry at 45, no one bats an eye. Maybe it''s bc I live in a city, but all my friends in their 30''s are career women and PANICKED and people feel sorry for them. And I know several men in their 40''s here who are single, and quite fulfilled and no one really says much. And many of them date young girls who don''t pressure them ...YET. It''s a little depressing, but this is where society is today.

Reason 8: Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
And so are women. The responsibility of taking on another person for life when that person is not your''s is huge! Agree.
Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife.
This makes it sound as though men collect objects in a certain order. Me get job. Me get house. Me get wife. Me Tarzan. I think, in general, women want the same things men do, including a house...it''s really not rocket science. Uh, well I disagree. As I mentioned above, women are generally judged by how they look, and the success of their relationship. Men are judged on their status. Status is related to financial success and the most basic form of financial success is home ownership. It is VERY accurate that men do not generally want to enter marriage without having a stable career and a home. Not all, but most. And we women would like that they have those 2 things down too. Women do not face as much pressure in this area and do not feel as unfulfiled if they are not on some fianicial fast path.

Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can.
Men don''t feel presure until they start dating. But when you''re dating you''re not single. So how can one be refusing to get married to enjoy the single life yet not living the single life? And what exactly is so great about the single life? How it is different?
My partner can still go out, get drunk, come home at 3am, have a holiday without me, spend money as he wants...we just have a piece of paper that legally connects us...it doesn''t change how we function. Well, I''m not a guy, but men have a biological desire to be free and not tied down. Alot of it is psychological. I''m with ya on this (and don''t get how living with someone is any less a committment than marriage practically speaking), but guys view marriage as ball and chain and have been programmed that way from childhood. Just like we see it as the ultimate goal. Usually they get over this irrational outlook when they''ve made it past proposal, but till then, I feel they''re pretty irrational about it. I''m talking about older guys..hey if you''re 24, I understand why a guy''d be cautious. But the fear of marriage is now existing in guys in their 30''s and even 40''s and as long as society (and the women around them) don''t judge them for it, it''ll continue.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/19/2006 1:12:31 PM
Author: poptart
I just find it sad that marriage has gotten this stigma over the years as being 'the end of everything,' because my husband and I always viewed it as the beginning of something new and exciting.

Oh my gosh, you're making me feel so much better right now. A lot of the people I know here have that exact attitude, marriage = "the end of everything." They want to experience life, travel and work on their own before they "settle down." But couldn't it be infinitely MORE fun and exciting to experience life, travel and work, when you can share it with the person you love? I don't see the two things as mutually exclusive. And why does marriage have to be "settling down"? Can't it be just as adventurous and exciting together? Well, I guess if part of the "experiencing life" thing is dating lots and lots of people then maybe that aspect doesn't mesh, haha.

In our case, I'm from the boondocks, he's from urban New Jersey, so I'm of the "why wait?" mindset and he's of the "why rush?" mindset. That's a bit incompatible!!

I'm glad to see someone out there who feels the same as me. We small town girls have to stick together!

 

[Maria D]

Date: 10/19/2006 2:36:26 PM
Author: janinegirly



larissa, good points. some of my thoughts in response:

Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.
What are the benfits of having a wife as compared to a girlfriend or not partnering at all? I truly don't see any benefits. There are many benefits to a wife vs. girlfriend from a male's perspective. Someone is always there to welcome them home, do the laundry, cook, pick up their underwear, cuddle up at night, spoil them..and if you're a live-in gf, you end up doing a lot of that stuff naturally. (I'm talking about doing it voluntarily, not being expected). It's very comforting. Living like a bachelor has some advantages, sure, but most of them do not involve a better home life.



Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
The exact same fears that women have.
Women are more programmed biologically to nest and build a family/home. Men are less inclined. So anythig that represents an infringement on their freedom will create an innate desire to stall,etc.

comment on #2: Why is the fact that women can enjoy the benefits of having a husband by cohabiting rather than marrying overlooked? They've got someone to pay half of expenses, mow the lawn, change the oil, take out the garbage, help with cooking, cleaning & laundry, offer companionship and physical protection -- all without having to marry. Usually when a wman chooses to live with a guy she has effectively taken him "off the market." So, without having to marry him -- or convince him to marry her, the cohabitating woman manages to get a "husband-like" guy who is exclusively hers.

comment on #5: If *anything* that represents an impingement on a man's freedom causes him to stall, how does he end up cohabitating in the first place? I would think nothing impinges on your freedom like your girlfriend moving in! Women need to take just as much responsibility for ending up in these cohabitating arrangements that are not leading to marriage as they are trying to pin on the men. It takes two to tango.


Comment on: marriage does not equal "the end of everything." That's very true, it's children = "the end!"

 

[poptart]

Musey: I think that the stereotyping of marriage must depend greatly on whether you grew up in a rural or urban setting. I almost think religion has close to nothing to do with it because when you are in a small town (although usually more religious, but not always) you see the same people every day. I remember in highschool I had 30 of the SAME people in my class from the time I was five until 18... and there were only 39 people in my graduating class. So it''s almost like you don''t get that whole dating frenzy when your numbers are cut down so low. But I like to think of marriage as a kind of adventure where you get to travel together and just have fun... so it seems so logical to me to have a great time being married, which is weird because my mom is single... has been ever since she adopted me, and she''s perfectly happy, always told me I don''t "need" to get married, I don''t "need" to be dating if I don''t want to. But yes... the boondock girls need to stay together, haha

PS You have a precious puppy... I''m so jealous!!

Maria D: Children = "the end" ... Haha, I have heard SO many people echo this sentiment, but they simply will NOT deter me from eventually having kids.... EVENTUALLY being the operative word.

 

[galeteia]

On the ''Single life'' point:

This may be a proverbial fox in the henhouse, but I think it all really boils down to:

''I hereby promise to never have sex again with anyone other than you, for the rest of my entire life.''

A girlfriend, even a live-in one, still provides the option of upgrading or changing if something better comes along/he gets bored of her.

I know that sounds incredibly cynical of me, but I really do think that''s the bottom line.


ETA: One thing that continues to crank me is the bit about ''house first''; what gives him the right to pick the house? It''s not HIS house, it''s supposed to be THEIR house. The one they choose together and have EQUAL power over.

 

[Larissa]

Date: 10/19/2006 2:36:26 PM
Author: janinegirly
larissa, good points. some of my thoughts in response:


Reason 1: Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.

Okay, it is more openly acceptable to have sex before marriage. I get this point. This is probably the #1 reason men do not have to rush into marriage and why people who are religious, live in rural areas marry earlier.



Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.

What are the benfits of having a wife as compared to a girlfriend or not partnering at all? I truly don''t see any benefits. There are many benefits to a wife vs. girlfriend from a male''s perspective. Someone is always there to welcome them home, do the laundry, cook, pick up their underwear, cuddle up at night, spoil them..and if you''re a live-in gf, you end up doing a lot of that stuff naturally. (I''m talking about doing it voluntarily, not being expected). It''s very comforting. Living like a bachelor has some advantages, sure, but most of them do not involve a better home life.




Reason 3: Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

Well...yes, but doesn''t everyone?!?

Yes, but traditionally, the men are the breadwinners and have more to lose financially in a divorce.

Reason 4: Men want to wait until they are older to have children.

And so do most university education, middle-class women.

Yes, but women have a biological clock. No matter how educated you are, you will have to think about your clock at some point from 30-35. Men can still work on their career during those prime years, and wait till late 30''s, mid 40''s, 50''s if they want.

Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.

The exact same fears that women have.

Women are more programmed biologically to nest and build a family/home. Men are less inclined. So anythig that represents an infringement on their freedom will create an innate desire to stall,etc.

Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn''t yet appeared.

This is very good reason. Everyone should wait for the perfect person for them rather than settling, which is likely to contribute to a lower divorce rate (see point 3). I agree with you on this.

Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry.

Yes, but woman can face few social pressures as well. Go with your heart and don''t listen to media rubish or your pressuring relatives if it doesn''t make you happy. Sure, that sounds great, but the fact is that most people are influenced by what is considered desireable in society. Maybe women face LESS social pressure today , but it is not true that they face few social pressures. In fact, women are still judged by their relationship and success of it. It''s unfortunate, but people tend to feel sorry for a single women who is getting older and envy the woman with a perfect relationship and seemingly perfect family life. It is the currency that women are still judged on, even career oriented, independeent women. It is different for men. Society all but leaves them alone to marry at whatever time is convenient to them. If they marry at 45, no one bats an eye. Maybe it''s bc I live in a city, but all my friends in their 30''s are career women and PANICKED and people feel sorry for them. And I know several men in their 40''s here who are single, and quite fulfilled and no one really says much. And many of them date young girls who don''t pressure them ...YET. It''s a little depressing, but this is where society is today.


Reason 8: Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.

And so are women. The responsibility of taking on another person for life when that person is not your''s is huge! Agree.

Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife.

This makes it sound as though men collect objects in a certain order. Me get job. Me get house. Me get wife. Me Tarzan. I think, in general, women want the same things men do, including a house...it''s really not rocket science. Uh, well I disagree. As I mentioned above, women are generally judged by how they look, and the success of their relationship. Men are judged on their status. Status is related to financial success and the most basic form of financial success is home ownership. It is VERY accurate that men do not generally want to enter marriage without having a stable career and a home. Not all, but most. And we women would like that they have those 2 things down too. Women do not face as much pressure in this area and do not feel as unfulfiled if they are not on some fianicial fast path.


Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can.

Men don''t feel presure until they start dating. But when you''re dating you''re not single. So how can one be refusing to get married to enjoy the single life yet not living the single life? And what exactly is so great about the single life? How it is different?

My partner can still go out, get drunk, come home at 3am, have a holiday without me, spend money as he wants...we just have a piece of paper that legally connects us...it doesn''t change how we function. Well, I''m not a guy, but men have a biological desire to be free and not tied down. Alot of it is psychological. I''m with ya on this (and don''t get how living with someone is any less a committment than marriage practically speaking), but guys view marriage as ball and chain and have been programmed that way from childhood. Just like we see it as the ultimate goal. Usually they get over this irrational outlook when they''ve made it past proposal, but till then, I feel they''re pretty irrational about it. I''m talking about older guys..hey if you''re 24, I understand why a guy''d be cautious. But the fear of marriage is now existing in guys in their 30''s and even 40''s and as long as society (and the women around them) don''t judge them for it, it''ll continue.

Interesting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I still don''t understand and probably never will. There are 4 points of yours which I don''t think can be generalized to all relationships and especially not mine.
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I was the one who freaked out about marriage and being tied down. I postponed one, broke up with him twice, and attempted to send the ring back 3 weeks before the wedding

He''s the one who does the majority of the housework. I do laundry (it must be hung in a certain order the closet) but other than that, it''s all him for the housework.

Neither of us want children. Wanting children is a deal-breaker for me. I''d leave and not look back. I don''t have that biological urge you refer to.

I''m the breadwinner.
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I still think, even with what you said, that it focuses too much on gender. Men and women don''t fit into neat, little categories where men want to be free and women make the home nice and have babies.

If the article had said "Top 10 reasons why people don''t want to marry" I''d be more inclined to agree with almost every point. It seems easy to say "boys will be boys" but it''s an attitude I don''t agree with. I faults one gender and gives the other as easy out as well as playing into a sterotype that is harmful to a lot of real world relationships.

Signed,
the psychology major, family studies minor who does social work and research for a living and therefore thinks about this crap waaaaaaay too much

 

[allycat0303]

Larissa,

I feel a lot like you do. I think it depends on the individual couple, and also on the two people involved. I would say that although traditionally it''s been that the guy that balks at marriage, more and more (I live in Quebec where there is the highest rate of *living together* in north america) I think that as woman become more career oriented, tend to have many of the same fears that men do, and can be just as intrested in pursuing their own success.

I certinly had more fears about marriage (and still don''t sit too comfortable with the idea now), then my ex did. He also did all of the housework except cooking. And if I have a biological clock (I torture myself endlessly about why I don''t want children, most of this agony is fron society pressure though. I feel like I should want children).

Although in my class, I notice that woman want to find someone "meaningful" I find that most of them refer to children, or marriage in distant, far off terms, which will come after they''ve accomplished many of the things they set out to do. My class also has females that outnumber males 3:1, which was the same trend represented accross Quebec, in all the medical schools. Many are simple not intrested in marriage at all (would much rather live together) while others won''t even think of settling down until they are finished school and well established in their careers. I don''t know if that has do with the Quebec culture, or their career ambitions but I feel that in many ways, their views on marriage are changing.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/20/2006 3:24:55 PM
Author: allycat0303
Larissa,



I feel a lot like you do. I think it depends on the individual couple, and also on the two people involved. I would say that although traditionally it's been that the guy that balks at marriage, more and more (I live in Quebec where there is the highest rate of *living together* in north america) I think that as woman become more career oriented, tend to have many of the same fears that men do, and can be just as intrested in pursuing their own success.


I certinly had more fears about marriage (and still don't sit too comfortable with the idea now), then my ex did. He also did all of the housework except cooking. And if I have a biological clock (I torture myself endlessly about why I don't want children, most of this agony is fron society pressure though. I feel like I should want children).

Oh, the irony!

Ladies, care to start an "Atypical Avoiders Anonymous" with me? We could have a PS charter.

Like you were saying (in my thread) Ally, not wanting marriage (iffy) or children (hell no!) makes me a bit worried. Like the biological clock. The older I get, more people start believing me when I said it's a no-go. Larrisa, your comment about children being a walk-away dealbreaker almost made me yelp "Amen!" at my desk.

Ditto with the 'I do the laundry, he does everything else'. I would love to be the breadwinner, because I'm more driven, ambitious, and obsessed with my work than he is. I have a vocation. He has a career he 'likes'. Unfortunately, he'll make more money than I will, but I'll work more than he does.

Larrissa, the frequent excuse used to justify 'guy' behaviour makes me want to bite something. 'Boys will be boys' thinking in these areas not only leaves women holding up the relationship, it robs men of their right to be emotionally responsible.