Mr. Good Enough (about a book)

[sjm]

Hi ladies!

This book may not apply directly to those on this board (because this board targets those who already happy with their relationships and SO's generally speaking) but it is such a fabulous book that is related to the topic of relationships that I thought I would reccommend it anyways! I think it is a great read for all women regardless of age or relationship status!!

The book is called "Marry Him - The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. She is not really advocating "settling" but definitely thinking carefully about what we need in a partner vs. what we want in a partner. It is very funny, filled with anecdotes, stories and jokes and cleverly written.

Has anyone else read it? I picked it up by fluke in an airport and it is now getting circulated among all my girlfriends.

 

[MBKRH]

Hmmm, sounds like an interesting read. I'm going to download it to my Kindle right now. Thanks for the recommendation!

 

[Echidna]

sjm, I read this after I got engaged and I think it is GREAT

I realise it's had a bit of negative press but I think the message of being flexible and looking for the truly important qualities in a partner (i.e., respect, similar values, etc.) rather than nitpicking about other "qualities" (e.g., their looks) is really important. I also gave it to my mum, who is now divorced and dating as well. She said it really helped her to manage her expectations (as I lectured her about limiting her search due to height requirements ).

I like to think of the book as a treaty on being realistic and appreciative of people's individual qualities rather than "settling". It also has some interesting things to say on double standards...

 

[suchende]

I wish more of my friends would read this! What they say they want (stable, nice, smart, successful) is totally inconsistent with who they pick out. Gah.

 

[sjm]

Wishful - wondering if you've had a chance to read a few pages and have some thoughts?

Echidna - I had no idea that the book got bad press!! I had never even heard of it until I saw it at an airport bookstore! I think it's too bad that it got negative press because I think she has some very valuable lessons in there!

Suchende - I could not agree more! I bought the book en route to Mexico with a girfriend whose GO TO line when someone asked her if she was seeing anyone was "nah,I don't want to settle and there hasn't been anyone incredible that I have met". Meanwhile she KNOWS that she picks the wrong guys, knows she wants a good guy but seems to have difficulty putting it into real life practice. She read the book over the vacation and I THINK and am HOPING that she will finally get the message and make an effort to change a bit!

It's an intersting book! Thanks for the input!

 

[karpouzi]

I read her article in the Atlantic. I think it was after she wrote the article that she expanded it into a full book.

I found it really troubling and depressing, to be honest. Maybe it's because I don't want kids, so I don't have the same sense of urgency in finding a partner to procreate with and delegate half of the chores to. But that's really what she seems to think a marriage is all about. The idea of marrying someone who isn't the love of your life bothers me, especially if you're going to have kids, because I think ideally kids should be raised in an environment of love. Not "a nonprofit business."

This right here is a good example of what really bothered me about the article:

In practice, my married friends with kids don’t spend that much time with their husbands anyway (between work and child care), and in many cases, their biggest complaint seems to be that they never see each other. So if you rarely see your husband—but he’s a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own—how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?

Um, it matters a lot? Who really wants this kind of life? Not even being in love with your husband, and just seeing each other as business partners whose job it is to raise children? Instead of wanting to fix the problem of married couples not spending quality time together, she says, well, I guess once you're married you don't see each other, so who cares who you marry!

or this:

By 40, if you get a cold shiver down your spine at the thought of embracing a certain guy, but you enjoy his company more than anyone else’s, is that settling or making an adult compromise?

No. At the very minimum, you owe it to your future children not to build a life with someone who gives you the willies!

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/

 

[suchende]

I think a great guy who treats you well and is supportive of building a real, adult life with you will become The One if you give him a chance.

 

[nebe]

I think a great guy who treats you well and is supportive of building a real, adult life with you will become The One if you give him a chance.

I concur.

 

[Pandora II]

Disagre... nothing worse than trying to make it work with the 'good on paper' guy. If x isn't there to start with IMHO it doesn't just turn up.

I wasn't prepared to settle but I think I did have realistic requirements on my checklist. I met my husband when I was 32 and he was without a doubt The One.

I prefer the book 'Are You The One For Me'...

 

[Echidna]

Disagre... nothing worse than trying to make it work with the 'good on paper' guy. If x isn't there to start with IMHO it doesn't just turn up.

I wasn't prepared to settle but I think I did have realistic requirements on my checklist. I met my husband when I was 32 and he was without a doubt The One.

I prefer the book 'Are You The One For Me'...

I like your bolded point, Pandora. That's exactly what I'd say too, I think.

 

[suchende]

I've had contradictory experiences so, of course like all things, it just depends.

 

[sjm]

Karpouzi - that article is interesting. I am not sure about the second quote but I do not remember the first being in the book. I agree those quotes aren'tthe greatest thoughts on their own!

I think Pandora's bolded point about having realistic expectations is really more what her main thesis, if you will, was. I don't think she actually wants women to settle but rather to think about what is important in a partner/spouse and give up on some of the unrealistic "wants".

 

[suchende]

I think she uses some "tough love" language to hack through a lot of the romantic comedy/Disney BS some women seem to really buy into.

A lot of women I know don't think they should have to compromise on any level: they want an exciting guy with a well-paying job who's handsome and fit and tall and has all his hair, who's young but wants to marry them and have kids and oh, also treat them really well and communicate well and everything else. So they just refuse to date anyone, because no one can be everything.

Or even more often, they want to date a guy who isn't that interested in settling down or treating women well, who magically changes his spots when he meets her: to tame the bad boy. Well this is just a terrible way to go into the dating world. You're just going to end up dating a series of bad boys who stay bad boys, or go back to being bad boys at some point in your relationship.

I think the author is advocating for looking at dating more analytically, thinking of what you want your relationship to look like in 10 or 20 years, instead of how many butterflies that first kiss gives you.

 

[HollyS]

I think a great guy who treats you well and is supportive of building a real, adult life with you will become The One if you give him a chance.

I know he will.

I'm living proof that Mr. Really? can become Mr. Perfect For Me. It took some time, and some effort, and some patience. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all. But, what was a long lead in from friendship has become a great marriage. (We waited for marriage until he was Mr. Perfect For Me. Just sayin'. You might not want to marry before you know.)

 

[amc80]

I get what the author is trying to say. A marriage is a business arrangement as much as it is a romantic relationship. The fundamental things that are needed for a successful marriage (trust, maturity, responsibility, etc.) are usually character traits that won't fade over time, whereas romantic feelings can change whenever. I'd rather marry someone stable who I wasn't necessarily in love with than some guy I have the hots for but doesn't have his $hit together.

 

[rosetta]

I definitely wouldn't compromise on some things and my bloke could never be the following:

Lazy

No career

Boring

Unattractive to me

Serial cheater

Addicted to drugs/alcohol/gambling

Everything else I was flexible on. And I ended up with more than I asked for. Plus he even has the most gorgeous hair

If your expectations are based on Hollywood movies, you're bound to be disappointed.

But if they are grounded in reality, then I don't think you should wait for mr good enough, but for mr perfect for me.

Didn't meet my soon to be husband until I was almost 30. I am so glad I waited.

 

[MBKRH]

SJM,

No, unfortunately I haven't. I am down to my final month of school before graduation, so I don't have much free time. I wanted to start it tonight, though. If I manage, I will post some feedback.