"Mr. and Mrs. John Doe"?

[vsc]

Hi everyone,
I'm in the middle of addressing invitations, and it's fairly easy for older couples/acquaintances or couples where the woman has kept her maiden name.
However, I am in a weird dilemma for how to address 20-something and 30-something married couples who are fairly close friends.
The etiquette says "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" but I'd like to have both first names. It really bugs me, especially when the wife is the closer friend. "John and Jane Doe" or "the Doe family" seems too informal/familiar, and "Mr. and Mrs. Doe" a little distant.
Here's some suggested options I could find on the Net:
"Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe" seems to really separate them (plus, needs 2 lines in most cases)
"Mr. and Mrs John and Jane Doe" is 1. redundant and 2. separates husband's first and last, which is supposed to be a no-no
"Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe" lists the woman first which I think is not supposed to happen
Did you guys address your younger friends in a more casual/different way? Have you found a nice-sounding way of using both names?
Does anyone youngish who changed their name care when they're getting called "Mrs. John Doe"? (or is it just me?) Or do most people not even notice, so I shouldn't worry and just follow etiquette?
Thanks in advance!

 

[sillyberry]

I'm totally having the same issue!

One question - are you doing inner and outer envelopes? If so, I would do the formal "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" construction on the outside, and "Jane and John Doe" on the inside.

If you're not...well, I'm still working on that!

 

[Mashira]

Does anyone youngish who changed their name care when they're getting called "Mrs. John Doe"? (or is it just me?) Or do most people not even notice, so I shouldn't worry and just follow etiquette?
Thanks in advance!

I'm not too sure I can help much in this department, but I can give my opinion.
I'm "youngish" and intend on changing my name. Something just strikes me wrong about being called Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, especially if I am the closer friend. I'm in no way of the 'feminist' movement, so it's not that, it just.... I'm not really sure, but it doesn't sit well with me. I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. Doe... again, just one persons opinion!

 

[yssie]

I think tradition and etiquette is ultimately supposed to make those around you feel comfortable by providing a common way of doing things, and purposely doing something that may offend or discomfit for the sake of pursuing some tradition or point of etiquette rather defies the purpose. In contrast, there isn't a couple in the world that will be insulted by an invitation labelled Mr. & Mrs. Last_Name, or Mr. First_Name and Mrs. First_Name Last_Name, or however you would want to do it.

I strongly feel that particular tradition is painfully outdated, and I would *not* be pleased to receive an invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. DH_first DH_last.
It's 2011 and I have my own identity, thank you very much!

But then, I'm youngish and not planning to change my name, so take that as it is.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

For the younger couples I often did "MrJohn Doe and Mrs Jane Doe" if I thought they would be offended by the whole "Mr and Mrs John Doe" thing. If I remember my Emily Post correctly, the joining of the names by "and" signified they were married. If the couple was just living together, you are technically supposed to put each name on a separate line. Also, according to Emily Post, it does not matter who's name is first unless once couple out ranks the other. For example "Dr. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith." But this is a pretty new rule because my Father was shocked by it.

 

[rosetta]

Argh.

I would not like to be addressed as Mr and Mrs Rosetta's Husband's full name.

Esp since I'm not changing my last name.

For me this is the only acceptable connotation:

Dr Rosetta Lastname and Dr Rosetta's husband Lastname

I don't think a Dr title should come before a Mr or Mrs title, the closer friend should come first.

I expect to be named first if I'm the friend too!

 

[sillyberry]

Argh.

I would not like to be addressed as Mr and Mrs Rosetta's Husband's full name.

Esp since I'm not changing my last name.

For me this is the only acceptable connotation:

Dr Rosetta Lastname and Dr Rosetta's husband Lastname

I don't think a Dr title should come before a Mr or Mrs title, the closer friend should come first.

I expect to be named first if I'm the friend too!

Isn't that the key difference? Genuine question, not trying to be antagonistic (in case the interwebs don't convey that!).

 

[CurlySue]

Personally? I couldn't care less how the invite is addressed, as long as it's spelled right... and even if it was misspelled it's not the end of the world or something I get overly upset about. But hey, different strokes for different folks.

When I did my invites, I just followed etiquette, because I felt it was impossible to figure out who would be offended by what (unless someone directly told me, which did not happen). If someone *had* told me they didn't want to be addressed a certain way, I would have asked them their preference and just used that.

(Note that I did confirm people's last names prior to addressing envelope... I never assumed that a woman went by her husband's last name, which is probably what most women would be offended by.)

Edited for spelling.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think I did this. It seemed much more modern and it doesn't really split the names.

"Mr. and Mrs John and Jane Doe"

I would be a little annoyed at "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe".

Are you sure that this isn't the "wrong" way and that the first one above is ok? This does split the name.

"Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe"

 

[rosetta]

Argh.

I would not like to be addressed as Mr and Mrs Rosetta's Husband's full name.

Esp since I'm not changing my last name.

For me this is the only acceptable connotation:

Dr Rosetta Lastname and Dr Rosetta's husband Lastname

I don't think a Dr title should come before a Mr or Mrs title, the closer friend should come first.

I expect to be named first if I'm the friend too!

Isn't that the key difference? Genuine question, not trying to be antagonistic (in case the interwebs don't convey that!).

Maybe!

But I think even if did change my last name, I still wouldn't want to be called Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastnsme at any point!

 

[mrscushion]

For the younger couples I often did "Mr John Doe and Mrs Jane Doe" if I thought they would be offended by the whole "Mr and Mrs John Doe" thing. If I remember my Emily Post correctly, the joining of the names by "and" signified they were married. If the couple was just living together, you are technically supposed to put each name on a separate line.

That's correct.

"Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe" is also how I did it with couples I guessed would not like being called "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe."

 

[amc80]

I wouldn't be offended at all by "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe." It's the name on the envelope. That's it. You aren't proclaiming to understand the ins and outs of their relationship. Nor is your purpose to provide a deep social commentary on marriage. You are simply addressing an envelope.

 

[sillyberry]

I think tradition and etiquette is ultimately supposed to make those around you feel comfortable by providing a common way of doing things, and purposely doing something that may offend or discomfit for the sake of pursuing some tradition or point of etiquette rather defies the purpose. In contrast, there isn't a couple in the world that will be insulted by an invitation labelled Mr. & Mrs. Last_Name, or Mr. First_Name and Mrs. First_Name Last_Name, or however you would want to do it.

I strongly feel that particular tradition is painfully outdated, and I would *not* be pleased to receive an invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. DH_first DH_last.
It's 2011 and I have my own identity, thank you very much!

But then, I'm youngish and not planning to change my name, so take that as it is.

It's funny, but when my MOH was addressing her wedding invitations, she got CHEWED OUT by an older relative for not being addressed as Mrs. John Doe. Like, when being sent a luncheon invitation JUST TO HER. For reals. We were shocked, to say the least.

So, someone is going to be offended no matter what you do. Just try your best!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I think tradition and etiquette is ultimately supposed to make those around you feel comfortable by providing a common way of doing things, and purposely doing something that may offend or discomfit for the sake of pursuing some tradition or point of etiquette rather defies the purpose. In contrast, there isn't a couple in the world that will be insulted by an invitation labelled Mr. & Mrs. Last_Name, or Mr. First_Name and Mrs. First_Name Last_Name, or however you would want to do it.

I strongly feel that particular tradition is painfully outdated, and I would *not* be pleased to receive an invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. DH_first DH_last.
It's 2011 and I have my own identity, thank you very much!

But then, I'm youngish and not planning to change my name, so take that as it is.

It's funny, but when my MOH was addressing her wedding invitations, she got CHEWED OUT by an older relative for not being addressed as Mrs. John Doe. Like, when being sent a luncheon invitation JUST TO HER. For reals. We were shocked, to say the least.

So, someone is going to be offended no matter what you do. Just try your best!

Yeah, my MIL kind of hinted to me the older people wanted to be Mr and Mrs John Doe. And if I went to a younger person's wedding. I addressed the enveloped the way they were introducted at the ceremony.

I still have my last name, I am a doctor, and people are already addressing us stuff as Mr and Mrs His Name. My Grandmother even wrote me a check with his last name, and of course I can't cash it. I am just thrilled when people realize I didn't change my name. All the other stuff I shrug my shoulders, but I really don't let it get to me. It is not worth it.

You are never going to make everyone happy, and you will probably mess up at least one name, don't let it get to you. As long as you use a correct method, and make an effort to get everyone's names correct, people don't have the right to get upset.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I wouldn't be offended at all by "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe." It's the name on the envelope. That's it. You aren't proclaiming to understand the ins and outs of their relationship. Nor is your purpose to provide a deep social commentary on marriage. You are simply addressing an envelope.

Umm, ditto! This is the normal way if the wife has taken the husband's last name! Then on the inside envelope it would say John and Mary.

 

[vsc]

Thanks everyone for the input. I guess the consensus is that... there is no way that will make everyone happy!
Silliberry, we're not having inner envelopes, so we can't have that extra nice touch with first names there.

I'm obviously addressing both people separately if the wife didn't change her name.

I will ask my close friends what they prefer, and probably just follow etiquette with everyone else...

 

[Maria D]

It's funny, but when my MOH was addressing her wedding invitations, she got CHEWED OUT by an older relative for not being addressed as Mrs. John Doe. Like, when being sent a luncheon invitation JUST TO HER. For reals. We were shocked, to say the least.

So, someone is going to be offended no matter what you do. Just try your best!

This is because the traditional form of address for a divorced woman was Mrs. Herfirstname Ex-Husband's last name. So, for example, if you addressed an invitation to just me as Mrs. Maria D instead of Mrs. Mario D, that would have suggested that I am my husband's ex-wife!

I am almost 50 and I don't know of many divorced women my age who would address themselves as such, but it was the way it was done years ago. The divorcees that I know now usually go back to their maiden name immediately upon divorce. Or, if they keep ex-husband's last name they'll go with Ms. instead of Mrs.

 

[yssie]

I think tradition and etiquette is ultimately supposed to make those around you feel comfortable by providing a common way of doing things, and purposely doing something that may offend or discomfit for the sake of pursuing some tradition or point of etiquette rather defies the purpose. In contrast, there isn't a couple in the world that will be insulted by an invitation labelled Mr. & Mrs. Last_Name, or Mr. First_Name and Mrs. First_Name Last_Name, or however you would want to do it.

I strongly feel that particular tradition is painfully outdated, and I would *not* be pleased to receive an invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. DH_first DH_last.
It's 2011 and I have my own identity, thank you very much!

But then, I'm youngish and not planning to change my name, so take that as it is.

It's funny, but when my MOH was addressing her wedding invitations, she got CHEWED OUT by an older relative for not being addressed as Mrs. John Doe. Like, when being sent a luncheon invitation JUST TO HER. For reals. We were shocked, to say the least.

So, someone is going to be offended no matter what you do. Just try your best!

Yeah, my MIL kind of hinted to me the older people wanted to be Mr and Mrs John Doe. And if I went to a younger person's wedding. I addressed the enveloped the way they were introducted at the ceremony.

I still have my last name, I am a doctor, and people are already addressing us stuff as Mr and Mrs His Name. My Grandmother even wrote me a check with his last name, and of course I can't cash it. I am just thrilled when people realize I didn't change my name. All the other stuff I shrug my shoulders, but I really don't let it get to me. It is not worth it.

You are never going to make everyone happy, and you will probably mess up at least one name, don't let it get to you. As long as you use a correct method, and make an effort to get everyone's names correct, people don't have the right to get upset.

oh.. what a tangled web we weave!