Moving in with a procrastinator

[ChimichangaInLove]

I''m fairly new to this so be patient, but I have a dilemma...
I''m very much in love with my boyfriend of 3 months, we''ve known eachother (and been REALLY good friends) 5-6 before we were officially together. He''s already told me that he loves me, he talks about us being together forever, even until we''re old.. theres been a very small amount of discussion of having children.. and no talk of an actual engagement or marriage (but he always kisses my ring finger) and only that finger which makes me believe that he has the feeling that he could see me as his wife... am I not correct in assuming this?

Heres the dilemma:
He''s looking into buying a house, and hes assuming that I''ll be moving in with him, but we haven''t discussed it much.. its sort of an "understood" thing. My thoughts are this; I am not completely up on the idea of living together before I''m married to him, just because of the divorce rates and such, but I wouldnt mind being engaged with a date in mind, while living with him.. anything less than that makes me think that If I dont set these "rules" before moving in, he''ll get used to us just being g/f / b/f... How am I supossed to handle this situation?
-- I don''t want to push for an engagement because his ex (of 5 years) hounded him for a ring.. but then again he was too young to be getting married anyway.
I wont tell you my age because I''d like an un-biased opinion.

constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

[aljdewey]

I assume you''re younger for a few reasons, but that doesn''t really matter.

Here''s the thing: You''ve talked about "being together" and even possibly "children", but you haven''t talked about MARRIAGE. No, you''re not necessarily correct in assuming that kissing your ring finger means anything other than affection. Some men like to give the impression that they will follow through.....and they are often (not always, but often) the ones who will not follow through. It''s called stringing you along.

I''m going to be a bit blunt now. It doesn''t matter if his last girl hounded him for a ring......you''re not her. Further, you don''t have to "push" for an engagement. Lastly, I don''t think it''s about "setting rules"......he''s not your kid, he''s your boyfriend.

He shouldn''t be assuming that you''ll move in. If you really feel strongly about this....not living together until you are at least engaged, then simply be candid. When the topic of moving in comes up, say "I''m sorry if there''s a misunderstanding. I don''t feel comfortable with the notion of living with anyone until I am engaged. I hope you understand, and maybe some day we''ll be in that space. I just don''t think we''re there yet - we haven''t talked about marriage, and I think we should just see where things go." If he isn''t happy with that, you should take your cue.

If you *do* want to live with him now, then I think you should be candid and say "the thought of it is appealing to me. I''m a bit concerned about moving in, though, when we''ve never talked definitively about where we each see ourselves going together. I view moving in together as a step in a relationship''s progression, but I don''t see it as an end destination. If we take this step, it needs to be with some intent toward a more permanent relationship. The bottom line is, I don''t want you to expect us to be living together 2/3/4/5 years from now without a more permanent commitment."

Good luck.

 

[bar01]

As a guy - let me say this. He is going to commit to buying a house  - on his own - and has not seriously discussed marriage with you before hand? He expects you to just move in? Red Flag!

Buying a home is #3 on life commitments - right after #1 marriage and #2 children. If he is proceeding on buying a home - without being engaged to you first - it means his priorities are not on you

I believe in open and direct communication - you should just come out and say - I love you and think I might want a future together with you - but I don't believe in living together before marraige. If he loves you he will understand and respect your beliefs.

If you want the indirect route -tell him about your dream home - what kind you like, what you think it will look like, what town, schools, AND how you look forward to choosing one together with your fiancé or husband. If he starts telling you about his home that he is thinking of buying - say something like - that's sounds nice - but it is not what I would want for my family. If he tries to start involving you in his home selection just say - it is not your place to be involved in “his home” selection. And if he pushes - go back to the direct communication route.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 11/30/2004 8:58:38 AM
Author: bar01

Buying a home is #3 on life commitments - right after #1 marriage and #2 children. If he is proceeding on buying a home - without being engaged to you first - it means his priorities are not on you

Not necessarily. If I read correctly, they have only been together for 3 months. He may have begun the house search/desire months ago. It may be a separate decision. But, I agree if he expects you to live there then you should be involved in the process.

That being said, if you are uncomfortable moving in without a more permanent commitment, then don''t. I agree - being candid is the best approach.

Good luck.

 

[hoorray]

I''ll be blunt. I''m glad you have found someone you love and want to settle down with, but it sounds to me as if your relationship is a ways from being ready for a marriage committment from a communication point of view. To really make a committment, you need to know where each other stands on the important life issues -- marriage, children, living together, are a good beginning. These are things that you should be able to discuss openly and honestly, not second guessing meanings of actions or implied words. If you can''t do that, then you probably need to start there. Start trying to talk about some or all of these things. If you can successfully do that, it will bring you closer and make you more ready for a long term committment.

 

[bar01]

Date: 11/30/2004 11

9:12 AM
Author: fire&ice

Date: 11/30/2004 8:58:38 AM
Author: bar01

Buying a home is #3 on life commitments - right after #1 marriage and #2 children. If he is proceeding on buying a home - without being engaged to you first- it means his priorities are not on you

Not necessaril If I read correctly, they have only been together for 3 months. He may have begun the house search/desire months ago

Very likely - he may have started the home search before hand – however that was then - and this is now - and if he is “really serious” and "in love" and thinks "this is the girl for me" - then the decision to buy a home should be postponed for a while and put in the proper order of things. He has had the benefit of knowing her for many years and now has fallen in love. But that is just how I see it.

But the bottom line is - if you are not comfortable with living with him before marriage - then don't and tell him that.

 

[JimDiamond]

You are in the wonderful early stages of a relationship. Enjoy it! Enjoy each other! Talk about things over time and you will each become more comfortable with the other and understand each other''s point of view. I would not recommend being in a hurry. At 3 months it''s too early to "worry" about these things. That doesn''t mean you can''t think and talk about it as you both feel comfortable. It should not be "assumed" that you move in together. That''s a discussion, probably multiple discussions. Relationships with great promise can be ruined by moving too fast. If you guys decide you''re both comfortable with moving in and it''s what you really want to do then do it. If you''re concerned that if you move in and all goes well that you don''t want to have permanent girlfriend status then talk about what a reasonable timeline might be (a range, not an exact date) now during your move in discussion. And it''s okay to talk about it and revise the timeline as time goes on. You wouldn''t want it to be shorter than another 7 months to get engaged nor probably more than four years let''s say as a wide range. Just because he buys a house doesn''t mean that you have to move in when he does. You can always wait weeks, months or years from when he moves in. Should he be holding off buying the house now? That''s complicated. What caused the decision to buy a house now? Has he been planning it for years? Is it BECAUSE he wants you to move in? Those are two very different things.

 

[bopitaddict]

Date: 11/30/2004 11

9:12 AM
Author: fire&ice
Not necessarily; If I read correctly, they have only been together for 3 months. He may have begun the house search/desire months ago. It may be a separate decision. But, I agree if he expects you to live there then you should be involved in the process.

That being said, if you are uncomfortable moving in without a more permanent commitment, then don''t. I agree - being candid is the best approach.

Good luck.

Agreed. For me, call me old fashioned, but I would want to be able to provide a home for my future wife, so it doesn''t necessarily mean he doesn''t have her as a priority or see her in his future.

Definitely open the lines up to communications and take your time and enjoy each other.

 

[blueroses]

I'm with the others. Try to just enjoy this blissful honeymoon phase at the beginning...and that's where you are, you're still at the beginning!! There's no reason to think it won't all happen, but no matter what your age, three months is really early to be worrying yet. Thinking and evaluating? Sure. But talking about the future in the abstract and really being there about to make it happen are different.

(If it makes you feel any better, hop on over to the ladies in waiting thread where a lot of us have been with our guys for 5-10 YEARS (8 for me) and are only now at the engagement stage....not that there's a set timetable for anyone, but in general I think most of us would agree that with only 3 months as a couple you need to just let things marinate a little and just BE together and enjoy the growth and discovery of your relationship.)



...and as far as the house stuff goes, I think that aljdewey's comments were good--it may be too soon to be *worrying* about this, per se, but it's not too soon to be communicating about your long range hopes if there's a house involved.

 

[ChimichangaInLove]

Good news guys (gals)... yesterday he (my boyfriend) surprised me yesterday and took me to what will be what he calls "our home".. he bought a house for us! (yippyeeee!!).. I brought up the things we needed to talk about after he surprised me with this and found out that he thinks that "I''m it" for him... which is SO SO good. I found out what I needed to know from him, and I''m even more so in love with him after that conversation. Thank you for all your insight and/or support.

Rach

 

[JimDiamond]

I'm so glad you're happy...and you should be happy...and I don't want to rain on your parade, but nothing really has changed. He has clarified his (current) feelings a bit and he has asked you to live with him. You still have to decide what you want to do. There are many good reasons to live with someone and many good reasons not to. But understand that he did not buy a house for you. Unless he put your name on the title (and he shouldn't have), he can call it whatever he wants, but he still asked you to move into HIS place. That's perfectly okay. Now you can decide if that's right for you.

It's also much easier to talk about finding the "one" and being "it" for someone when there's no real committment being made. That's perfectly okay right now. I know that my fiancee and I talked about marriage and acted like we would be married some day after 3 or 4 months. It felt very right, but now a year and a half later and 4 months before our wedding date the committment feels very different, very real and, yeah, very scary. It doesn't mean I've changed my mind, because I certainly have not. It's just that as such a serious committment becomes ever closer and more real it gives one a whole new perspective. After three months of official dating neither he nor you would want to be committing to the rest of your lives together yet. You have lots of time to spend together over the next six months to several years to grow together as a couple and decide what life holds for the two of you.

So enjoy your relationship, but don't be fooled into thinking you are further along than you are. Make your choices, enjoy the present and keep re-evaluating the future with the perspective each new day brings.

 

[windowshopper]

he dated someone for 5 years--youve known hi for 5 and now you''ve been together for 3 months.............i see commitmwent phobe. you should not move in with out benig officially engaged. you are following his rules................

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 12/2/2004 3:18:59 PM
Author: ChimichangaInLove
Good news guys (gals)... yesterday he (my boyfriend) surprised me yesterday and took me to what will be what he calls ''our home''.. he bought a house for us! (yippyeeee!!).. I brought up the things we needed to talk about after he surprised me with this and found out that he thinks that ''I''m it'' for him... which is SO SO good. I found out what I needed to know from him, and I''m even more so in love with him after that conversation. Thank you for all your insight and/or support.

Rach

It''s great that you know that he thinks that you are it. But did you openly talk about marriage? If not, I think it would still be an good idea to sit and openly communicate about the subject of marriage just so you two are on the same page. There''s a difference between we will get married some day and we will get married a few years later after we settled down with new house. It''s good for you to have an idea of what to expect in the future to come. At the same time, I don''t think you should rush the engagement just because you two only been together for 3 months. Even though you two had been friends for 5/6 yrs, being in a relationship is slightly different. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[brianincincy]

You are just like MY girlfriend.

I love her a lot. She wants to get married. She talks about it a lot. I tell her that I love her and that she is the one, just like your boyfriend does for you. The bottom line is, he isn''t going to propose to you and make that commitment until you do some certain thing in particular that he is looking for. He''ll hang around waiting for that certain thing to happen because he likes a lot of your attributes (personality, etc,..). Have you really tried to look at a broader perspective to figure out what that thing is? I guarantee that he has at least hinted at it.

Thing is about my relationship, she is so focused on what she wants, that she hasn''t been paying as much attention to the things that I want. This is bad news because as long as she isn''t paying attention to my wants, she isn''t going to get what she wants. That sounds harsh, but I''m just being honest. I can''t wait to buy her a ring. She thinks that she is the one that is waiting, but really it is me. I have the money saved up for a ring, I have it picked out and everything. I want to see her have a genuine concern for the things that make me happy.... It''s kind of a "last piece of the puzzle" sort of thing. Just try to find out what it is with you''re man.

just a little advice, take it how you will.....

 

[ChimichangaInLove]

Hi Brian, I do appreciate your thoughts, and I do understand what you mean about the last piece of the "puzzle". Unfortunately I think a few of the people who made a response to my posting, think that all I''m looking for is a ring (which is not the case)... In fact, I''m not in any urgent need to be married right now (althought it would be nice within the next year or two to be engaged), but even that isn''t the most important thing for my boyfriend and I right now. We have talked about marriage a bit, and its understood that we both see eachother as being "the one", simple as that. And we''re happy!

Seeing as though you gave me food for thought, I thought I might give some as well. You mentioned that "last piece of the puzzle" thing.. well isn''t that sort of a game? I mean, if you know you want to marry her, and you feel your established and comfortable enough to MARRY your girlfriend, dont you think you ought to sit down and tell her why you haven''t just proposed and made an honest woman out of her? (If i''m assuming correctly, because I dont know the details of your relationship) I think if you love her enough to marry her, you should explain what that last piece of the puzzle IS, so that there''s no more games. You can move on, be engaged, enjoy it, and plan a wedding together. Just a thought.

 

[brianincincy]

I have tried to explain

She has some sort of mental block to the whole thing. She tells me that she understands, yet hasn''t acted on the conversations that much. I''m getting a little frustrated, because it''s gotten to the point that if i bring it up she gets mad. It''s sort of scary that I am having a hard time getting her to respond to the things that I tell her are very important to me. It weird, because she obviously loves me so much- she tells me everyday that she can''t wait to have my babies...

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 12/6/2004 1:21:48 PM
Author: ChimichangaInLove
... Unfortunately I think a few of the people who made a response to my posting, think that all I''m looking for is a ring (which is not the case)...

No, the people who made a response think you are looking for a commitment and they are telling you if that is what you want, you need to actually discuss it with your bf--neither he nor you will intuit the other''s thoughts, and you say you''re each other''s "ones" but what does that MEAN? For him, maybe it means he loves you and you will be together, but he''s not really interested in marriage and has no intention of going there. For you, maybe it means he''ll propose in a year or two, and you''ll get married a year or two after that, and have kids a year or two after that. If he''s thinking 5,6,7,8 years down the road, and you''re thinking "soon", HE''S not the one that''s going to be upset by it.

They were just telling you that reading signs and minds and assuming won''t do you any good, and you need to TALK to your bf about your goals and his to see if they mesh before making a big step like moving into his place.

 

[JimDiamond]

They've been together for three months! They can talk about marriage in the fun, surreal way that people who are just falling in love can all that they want, but it's just "speculation" at this point. They shouldn't, nor even can, talk about marriage in a serious way for a while yet. So the real question she has to ask herself is, does she want to move in with him and if she does, does that help or hurt their chances of an eventual marriage? Will it make her more or less likely to get engaged on a time table that they both can live with should events play out that way? And so on. I haven't actually seen a discussion here about the positive or negative effects of living together--although I have seen plenty of girlfriends complain because four...five...eight years have gone by and they're still not engaged.

BTW: She never said they had been friends for 5-6 years. She said they had been together as a couple for three months and as friends 5-6 before that. It's ambiguous, but it seems as if she's saying 5-6 months, not years.

 

[goldengirl]

Yeah, Jim, I thought the same thing, but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Anytime someone says "I wont tell you my age because I''d like an un-biased opinion" that means they''re so young you''re immediately going to be biased.