Moving in together?

[june48]

My DF and I are moving in together, and I''d love some tips. The thing I''m especially worried about is that he''s a hoarder and I''m a tosser, and since we''re moving into a one-bedroom condo I''m already starting to get worried that we''ll be drowning in his junk (forgive me, I love him but he does have a lot of crap like books he half-read and doesn''t plan to pick up again, shirt w/ holes all over him, etc).

 

[E B]

Date: 3/15/2006 6:22:40 PM
Author:june48
My DF and I are moving in together, and I'd love some tips. The thing I'm especially worried about is that he's a hoarder and I'm a tosser, and since we're moving into a one-bedroom condo I'm already starting to get worried that we'll be drowning in his junk (forgive me, I love him but he does have a lot of crap like books he half-read and doesn't plan to pick up again, shirt w/ holes all over him, etc).

My FI is a hoarder and I'm a tosser, too. If you're going to have a limited amount of space, ask that he only bring stuff he actually uses. If he doesn't pick it up every couple of weeks, it goes (unless it's something really special)! My FI and I are having to move into a smaller apt and I'm asking him to throw away a lot. He has stacks of old magazines (from 2002, 2003) because he likes the pictures!

Buh-bye!

 

[AmberWaves]

Here''s the funny thing, I''m a keeper (I''m insulted by the term "hoarder"!!

), and my boyfriend is a messer. So it''s doubly hard- I tend to keep things for memories (Like our city newspaper with the names of graduates on it- when I graduated) and I often keep things "just in case"- No I''m not a hoarder!!

But my BF just tosses things about, and leaves them there. So we have a list, an actual signed list of things we PROMISE to do on certain days. That way, if the trash isn''t taken out, I know where to go to find out why... It seems like a lot, but after living together for one and a half years already, we had to decide once and for all who does what. So now all my "Special items" are kept in our hall closet, and his crapis picked up once a week.

I like having a set list, it caters to the OCD in me.

 

[CareBear]

If you aren''t too tight on money, maybe rent of those storage rooms and have him store all his stuff in there?

 

[Shay]

Everyone has different ideas of value. My fiance doesn''t say a word about my hundred of books that cover every spare surface and I don''t say anything about the CD and game collection that covers 3 whole walls! I mean art work would be nice but sometimes you''ve got to compromise.

 

[icekid]

haha... my fiance and I are in a one bedroom now too, and it''s TIGHT with all of our stuff. We really just don''t save anything that we don''t need, or the place would become a disaster area... and I am a little too OCD to let that happen.

 

[sydneycasandra]

wow june, I think we''re secretly engaged to the SAME MAN!

My DF and I both live in separate houses, both are about 1450 sq ft. Mine has no garage or storage shed. His has two. He''s absolutely spilling out of his house, shed, AND garage (not counting 2 motorcycles he stores elsewhere) while my biggest pile of stuff is the things I''m putting in a yard sale soon!

Maybe try to encourage him to sell some of the old junk he has that may be valuable? I also went through DF''s closet with him and we did manage to weed out about 10% of the really junky stuff.

Good luck. You''ll need it!

 

[selflove]

My only advice is: expect this to be a painful transition. It''s hard enough moving in with a boyfriend but your different styles sound like they will add extra stress. In the end, it''s all about compromise. Good luck!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

This is almost exactly what I most worried about when it came to combining our two lives & many pets into my one, tiny house. Not that we wouldn''t get along ... but could I handle the lack of control over "my space" and the abundance of what I deem "useless clutter".

It hasn''t been a perfect, smooth transition - but not nearly as bad as I''d feared. We still have unpacked boxes and more clutter than I''m used to SEVEN months later but I have to say, what you GAIN by living together - the daily sharing & love & companionship - is worth SO MUCH MORE than a "perfect" "tidy" home. You can forgive a lot of clutter sins when you''re filled up love & happiness!

Tips: I worked the "why not donate to the less fortunate" angle and the "how ''bout we take 1/2 of your old shoes. Half of your don''t-fit-anymore clothes." This way it''s not so drastic right away & he won''t panic, feeling like he''s losing all his stuff at once. Also - pick your battles. My sweetie won''t budge on BOOKS and DVDs. But he did cut the clothing/old towels/ugly promotional cup & mug situations down to manageble levels. I also recommend "Wouldn''t that look great at your OFFICE?"

...

p.s. - yes, I know you''re probably reading this, Decosbeau!! Stop me when I lie!

 

[appletini]

I had my FI donate his bachelor furniture to the salvation army, because they come and pick it up.

 

[monarch64]

June48, I have the opposite situation with my husband. He's a tosser, I'm a keeper. When we moved in together before we were engaged even, he wanted to get rid of a lot of my "college apartment furniture" like my papasons, a couch, etc. and from time to time he still says to me "hey can we put such and such in storage?" The rational part of me knows that it is time to let these things go, and I usually do it without too much fuss. But in the beginning I really felt like he was kind of erasing the things that made me "me," if you can understand that. It wasn't rational to feel that way, but I did... I felt like he was slowly getting rid of my former independent life and that I was getting absorbed into his. We never really talked about how I was feeling, but eventually I got upset over something silly and let all that built up frustration out. (We all know that's not the way to deal with things, but it happens sometimes.) He never realized it made me feel bad when he suggested getting rid of my stuff. I had left my independent woman life and moved to a new, foreign city to be with him and I took it harder than I thought I would.

I suggest really talking to your boyfriend about things you would like to change about his hoarding habits. Make sure he knows it's not him that you want to change, but the THINGS are driving you a little crazy! Compromise--someone said they had a closet meant only for their "hoarder" clutter, and I think that's a good idea. That way you don't have to look at it, and he knows it's still there.

ETA: oops, I meant your "fiance" sorry!

 

[jasper]

I used to be a messie. Fortunately, a nice lady (whom I rented a room from ten years ago) taught me how to keep house. It took her six months, and she threatened to throw me out a few times. She encouraged specific improvements until I got the hang of it (or at least became a "spartan messie").

I like Deco Delighted's ideas, for going gradually, letting the owner of the stuff choose which stuff is in the "half to go", and involving charity.

My rule when I am cleaning is NOT "When in doubt, throw it out."

Instead, I follow "When in doubt, keep it. Just go through it more often." Each time I clean up a pile of stuff, I find that I throw out about one-third of it. That third often includes junk mail, envelopes from real mail, obsolete/worn-out things, and dust. Another third is stuff that I definitely want to keep, such as dishes, financial records, books, magazines, and clothes. The doubtful third often includes bus schedules, coupons, somewhat worn-out clothes, notes, newspaper and magazine articles, and origami doodles. I find adequate places to put the doubtful third, so that I can find them again. At a later time, I usually do go through the doubtful stuff. On average, after I have sorted the same item three times, it usually either gets thrown out, or I find a worthy place for it.

I keep a small trash can in every room. Whenever I want to throw something away, I can reach over and be done with it.

I have plenty of bookcases, with glass doors and extra shelves. That means there is a place for each book or magazine. The books, magazines, and papers do not lie around collecting/generating dust.

I have a system for sorting my financial records. I sort them first by year. Within each year, I have an envelope for each category, such as "2005 checking account statements" or "2005 ATM receipts". I tie up each year's envelopes with an old shoelace. By making it easy to find financial records, I find it much more pleasant to balance the checkbook, pay bills, and clean house -- there aren't any money surprises lurking in a pile.

Another thing I do: I try to keep just enough dishes for the largest group of people I ever expect to have over. That way, it rarely takes more than a half-hour to wash all the dishes. Also, I don't have enough dishes to get out of the habit of washing them. When I cook, I try to follow the rule, "The dish isn't done until the dishes are done." When I am cleaning house, I usually start by washing whatever dishes have not been washed yet. It is satisfying to have a clear counter and sink, and sets a standard for whatever cleaning project I am going to do.

I recommend the first edition of The Messie's Manual: The Procrastinator's Guide to Good Housekeeping, by Sandra Felton. Copyright 1981, 1984. ISBN 0-8007-5133-7

Unfortunately, the first edition is out of print, but it is available on-line, and through chain bookstores' used book services. The first edition is short, fun, and to the point. It has nice large print, with plenty of white space. Page 50 has an excellent scale for rating your overall level of housekeeping.

Sadly, the current edition is cluttered and hard to read.

-- Jasper
http://www.folds.net

 

[jorman]

My fiance and I have been cohabitating for about a year now and we have had little to argue about. The best advice I can offer is:

1) Pick your battles.Learn to get over the small stuff that drives you crazy (even though we all know we have Demi Moore "Indecent Proposal" moments where we want to kill our men for leaving their shoes on the counter) because in the long run those small irritations are not worth your relationship...If it really bothers you, as silly as it may be, sit down and talk about it. He may not even realize he is driving you nuts.

2) Learn to compromise and share responsibilities. My fiance and I sat down before living together to go over the budget- aka- who pays what. It helped alot because we had an understanding and made it equal to our incomes. We each pay about the same percentage wise. It keeps stress at a minimum. Finances can be the BIGGEST fire starter. Be prepared and it will make things much easier. We work together to make the grocery list and plan meals and we share household chores too. I do the inside, he does the outside (and the high ups- he''s tall

) and it works out great! We also have a rule that whoever cooks gets a "get out of doing dishes free" card. So if I cook, he has dish duty and vice versa.

3) Remember that guys and girls do things differently and often have the same result. For example, you and your man may load the dishes differently in the dishwasher, but guess what? you always get clean dishes...

4) Don''t forget to communicate. Don''t stop talking. A lot of my friends have done this. I don''t understand why, but just focus on making time for each other each day. In my opinion this is the most important.

Those are my 4 cents.

Good luck on your adventure!