Mother in Law driving me crazy!

[whenlovehurts]

I am so exhausted and feel like I am going crazy from arguments last nigh. I feel as my head will explode…Here are the details:

We don’t live with my in-laws, we moved out of their place a year ago. Which she hates me for! I though that by moving out will resolve most issues, but it seems like it isn’t. She is a really controlling woman. She wants us down at her place EVERY weekend and if we don’t she calls and puts pressure on us to come or to tell her exactly when we are coming. Now, every time I go down there, she disrespects me. She gives me orders to cook all the freaking time and I am sick of it. She does this when my fiancé isn’t around only. When he is there she acts like an angel and when he isn’t she is just a devil. Previously she made up lies about me and my fiancé confronted her for that and of course she was in denial. All 5 people that told us what she had said about me lied, but she is right.

After her gossip, we’ve made a decision to go down and visit her every other week. And to be fair I said that it will be the same with my parents, every other week. Well she keeps on calling and calling.

Last night, her younger son and daughter in law made a barbeque and invited a lot of friends and including us. Since my fiancé worked, we decided that we’ll go when he gets home. At about 3:00 PM she calls me raising her voice at me saying “why aren’t you down here, we are barbequing, when are you coming”. And all I said is I don’t know. And I could hear some ladies there laughing. I am not sure if they laughed at the fact the way she is talking to me or what. First of all, its not even her that should be calling, it should be the brother and the sister in law since they are throwing the barbeque. If they really needed help with preparing and stuff, there was a nicer way of saying it. So, I got really upset.

When my fiancé got home, I said that I wasn’t going and I told him why. “if she thinks that she can boss me around and tell me that I HAVE to be there, then I will prove it to her that I don’t. Well, my fiancé doesn’t want to go without me and wants me to go. He wants to go because of his brother and I understand that, but I just can not go. She is not my boss and I will not let her boss me.

And so now he is upset with me because I didn’t go. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to go. And he feels that because of me and her, he didn’t go to his brother’s barbeque.

What do you guys think? Do you think I should’ve gone or did I do the right thing?

Your opinions and feedback are well appreciated.

 

[Lorelei]

Whoa!

I don't blame you for being upset, she sounds EXTREMELY controlling and needs to butt out and let you live your own lives! I think you need to stand your ground and make her see that you will NOT dance to her tune!! Also you need to always present a united front with your BF or she will play the situation for all it is worth. It will be hard but you can and must put your foot down or she will be controlling your lives, your children's lives and how you bring them up forever. Make her see that she can't get away with this, you need to talk to your BF and figure out a plan to deal with this.

Set some ground rules and stick to them. See her when you can and WANT to, let the machine pick up if she calls incessantly and go about your own lives as best you can, make sure your BF realizes how difficult she is trying to make life for you and that he needs to do his part to support you.

I am sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can find a way to resolve it. No I wouldn't have gone to her barbecue either! I would have seen it as giving in to her and I wouldn't have gone on principle! I wouldn't go ANYWHERE in my time off where I had to put up with that treatment, family or not!

 

[whenlovehurts]

Well, more horrible things happened. My fiancé has a side business (construction) and his dad worked with him yesterday so after work he dropped his dad off. At that point, his brother starts asking why he didn’t come to the barbeque and he said because I couldn’t, personal reasons. Then his mother (MIL) starts to question why he wasn’t here and they all go up on his case. And that’s when FIANCE said ‘you called my wife and raised your voice at her for her not coming over’. Of course, she denied. Then he said did you say “why aren’t you down here”, she said yes. Did you say this and that and she said yes, and then FIANCE was like well it’s obvious that everything my wife said is the truth. She starts crying and they all get up on his case and his dad said that ‘he never wants me at their house again’ and FIANCE cursed on Croatian (which is our native language) and I can’t translate the exact words, then he shut the door and came home.

When he got home he didn’t tell me anything about this and said he was going to take a shower. Immediately someone nocks on the door and it was his dad. He sat down; I offered dinner (I prepared it) or coffee. He didn’t want anything. He said he just came to tell me that I am not welcomed at his house because I am separating their son from them. I told him that I feel that he has no shame. First of all, enough that he came to OUR house and brings rules and stick his nose, but if I am not welcomed down there, do you think you are welcome here?, I asked. He goes, this is my son’s. And I said half of it is mine! My fiancé tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t. I was so mad that I couldn’t calm down and I told him everything that was on my mind and everything that’s been bothering me for so long. Then he says that MIL said that I lied and that she didn’t raise her voice and then I said “no she lied”, why didn’t she accompany you to tell me that I lie, why didn’t she tell me in my face. Besides, why don’t you call the other lady that was sitting there when she called me and ask how MIL behaved when she called. He refused to call. Then I said no one here is lying, but her. She always says things and then won’t stand behind the things she says. Then I asked my fiancé to say that ‘yes indeed she did gossip about my SIL to him too’, and my fiancé confirmed. Then he got mad because he was stock and sweared at me. It’s on a different language, but it’s close to F U word. At that point FIANCE told us both to calm down, and I stood up and told him that I will not tell him FU once, but 100 times. And that I am not scared of him, he is nobody to set rules in our relationship and at our house. After that, I told him that I want him out of our house because he is not welcome at our place neither, just like I am not at his. He refused to leave. He said this is half of my sons just like yours and I said that I will call the cops if he doesn’t leave. My fiancé came to me and said that he doesn’t want to kick him out because he will say it all over town and FIANCE would be ashamed of it, but I did.

Then FIANCE calls and asks me to come out that FIL didn’t mean to say that and that he will apologize. I said NO! I just want him out and never want to see his face again.

And he left.

I feel even worse now! I am so stressed and going insane.

My fiancé feels the same too. He runs a business and his dad and brother used to work with him and he is worried about that now. Then we were having a trip back to Croatia in July with them (the in-laws) and we were going to stay in their house and now we aren’t sure what will happen. He is lost too, just like I am.

He loves me and I love him, but it’s so hard to be happy with all these obstacles.

I think a lot of this has to do that his parents always gave more attention and love to his brother. Even my fiancé’s grandma told them that, and that it wasn’t fair. I feel that my fiancé things by not telling them off and not standing up for me will actually make them love him more. Is this a possibility?

 

[galeteia]

Wow. First of all, you deserve a medal for not prompting WWII with this woman. If someone tried to treat me like their personal slave when we were supposed to be having ''quality time'' I''d SNAP.

nd there''s the thing-- I can''t advise you as to how to handle this banshee of an in-law, because I''m scottish, brazen, and blunt. I''d just confront her: "Either you back off and start acting like a real human being instead of a sneaky hyena, or this is the last time you will see me at any family function again. And I will make it VERY well-known exactly WHY I am not attending any events. So think carefully before you try to push me too far. Are you willing to face the consequences?"

At the least, point out to your hubby (as calmly as you can) all the two-faced things your MIL pulls, and make it clear that until she stops being abusive and that''s exactly what it is you are going to remove yourself from abusive situations until she cleans up her act.

I know that there are going to be frequent showdowns with my passive-aggressive FMIL, and I am not going to take it.

But that''s just me.

 

[Linda W]

I feel so sorry for you. I have gone through the same thing with my MIL and my hubby and I have been married for 25 years.

You have to put your foot down with her. DO NOT let her, or her family push you around. That is the most important thing. Set rules with her. Let her see that you will NOT be pushed around, talked badly too, and that she cannot give YOU rules to follow.

She will make your life miserable, if she can and if you allow her to push you around. Believe me I know.


Linda

 

[Lorelei]

I think a lot of this has to do that his parents always gave more attention and love to his brother. Even my fiancé’s grandma told them that, and that it wasn’t fair. I feel that my fiancé things by not telling them off and not standing up for me will actually make them love him more. Is this a possibility?



I don't think so. They obviously don't respect him OR his future wife and have some serious issues going on. Just my opinion, you have to do what you think is right but there is NO WAY I would put up with that treatment. This is completely unacceptable and I think your fiance needs to make it clear that this cannot continue and you may both have to think hard about how much you allow them into your lives...

Regrettably it seems to me that some people enjoy intimidating others and making them miserable, it gives them a feeling of power and control, don't let her get away with it OR his Father.

 

[Snooper]

Pretty much what has been said is what I had to offer. I think you''re doing things and handling things quite well considering the circumstances. My MIL drives me insane, and she used to always talk down to me, and finally I had enough, and not that I wanted my husband to take sides, but he told her "lay off, this is OUR life". We don''t talk to her much, and when we do, it''s a good reminder why we''re not in contact with her much.

I think your best support system is your fiance, and family/friends. Try to be the better adult in these situations (you vs. your MIL). It''s too bad that things are how they are. I''m sure she''s (MIL) missing out on a great daughter in law...

 

[Linda W]

I had to add another comment. Isn''t it amazing how icky MIL''s can have such wonderful son''s????


Linda

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/2/2006 4:09:03 PM
Author: Linda W
I had to add another comment. Isn''t it amazing how icky MIL''s can have such wonderful son''s????


Linda

Amen to that! My FI says he''s tired of being the black sheep of the family, and I tell him how fabulous it is that he is!

 

[whenlovehurts]

My fiancé doesn’t want to loose his parents. And I really never wanted to say its either MIL or me because I know that it would put him in a very hard situation. I had mentioned to him why he didn’t say something when he cursed such as ‘hey dad, it isn’t okay for you to talk to my future wife in that sort of way and I would like you to apologize’ or ‘dad, you are setting a perfect example for me – to stand up for my wife – and just like you are standing up for mom, I got to stand up for my wife as well’. But he didn’t and his excuse of not doing it is that his dad would have immediately told him ‘I don’t need you in my house neither’. I know it isn’t easy to loose your parents, but I think th at they would get over it and later when they do, they would become nicer.

We go to counseling. My MIL has been a problem for quite a while now and has been the discussion of our counseling. He promised to stand up for me in good and bad, but he didn’t do that. And I am really looking forward to meeting with counselor and discussing this on Tuesday or if possible even earlier. He broke a promise to me and counselor may be able to suggest something. If he can not commit to me and being loyal to me and stand up for me, then unfortunately I may have to do the same. I had told him that I will change and that I will not be as loyal to him neither. And I’ve been trying to act careless which drives him insane.

It used to be that I didn’t like going places without him, but now I do. I really don’t, but I am trying to get used to it. While he was upset and blaming me for his mother’s actions and rudeness, he said well now we wont even watch a movie that you really want to see (Break up). Regarding that, all I said was hey that’s perfectly fine with me. I’ll call my best friend (girl) and if she is busy, I’ll go by myself. That seemed to make him re-think it and he decided that he’d rather go then

He told me that he feels that as soon as I get a chance I will leave him. Especially if I was to meet a guy that treats me well and that’s his fear. This tells me that he doesn’t want to loose me. So, I will have to put in some rules.

Also, the other day, he decided to go to play soccer at one of the gyms. He had done this before and I never went because we don’t have membership there and its hard enough for him to get someone to bring him in as a visitor. And he only goes on Wednesdays sometimes and it isnt worth getting the membership. So, I said that’s fine you go hani, I will call my friend and go out for a coffee or something. Well then he says, I know you guys will have men talking to you and I am not sure that you would not talk back now in the situation that you are in. I promised him that I wouldn’t, but he was still not sure and then he said ‘well I wont go then’. I convinced him to go and have fun and not to think. He finally agreed, but wanted me to call and tell him where we are going (whether its dinner, coffee or just at her house). Do you think that this is control or is it simply jealousy or that he doesn’t want to loose me? He is normally not like this before. I mean he was jelious at times, but not as much.

Last night, I asked if he wanted to watch break up tonight and he said he didn’t know because he didn’t know his plans for today. So, today I asked and I told him that I needed to know otherwise, I will go with a friend or if they’re busy, I’ll go alone. And so he decided that he’d rather go.

This was sort of funny! I am really not trying to make him suffer, but in a way he deserves it. If he wants me to be loyal, then he needs to do that on his part. However, now he knows that I am unhappy and especially for the fact that he didn’t stand up for me and now is getting worried of me leaving him for another man…

 

[Lorelei]

I really think that you need to be completely honest with him that you won''t put up with this treatment from his parents - period. You are a couple and you have needs and entitlements NOT to be abused by his parents and that he needs to support you 110% in this, you need to make this extremely clear to him. If he doesn''t want to lose you then he will have to start putting in some commitment here to NOT allow his parents to treat you like dirt. Be firm now or it will get worse. Why should you settle for a huge part of your life being made so miserable by these people and you have every right to expect him to put a stop to it too - they are his parents and nothing makes this in any way right or justifiable. Don''t allow it. Just my opinion.

I really hope you can work through this together and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[VegasAngel]

I think your MIL & my MIL may be related.

 

[whenlovehurts]

LOL!

 

[FireGoddess]

It's a difficult situation to navigate. It is true that when you marry the man, you marry the family. Sometimes that's great...sometimes, not so great.

You make valid points about how you expect your fiance to act. I do think your FIL was out of line saying that you are no longer welcome in their home. In that regard, it's not YOU that's putting a wedge between them and their son...they are. If they don't want his wife in their house, then it is they themselves that are escalating the situation. I mean, I'm sorry, but BIG FREAKING WHOOP that you didn't go to your BIL's barbecue. It's not a freaking wedding or baptism or something earth shattering - it's a freaking barbecue and if you felt slighted by your MIL, you did NOT HAVE TO GO. To give you grief for that was ridiculous. However, just as your FIL is standing up for your MIL (though she appears at fault here), your FI should be sticking up for you. This is not a negotiation - you are supposed to be a TEAM and it will never work if he doesn't stick up for you, particularly when he sees that you are being unfairly treated by his mother.

I do think things got out of hand at your house when you told your FIL that he wasn't welcome (though I can certainly see why) and he started cursing. This is no way on either person's part to make things better. There has to be some give, on BOTH PARTS, for these relationships to mend and become better. But it starts with civilized conversation with EVERYONE PRESENT and airing what has been hurtful, and how to fix it. Your in laws should be willing to do this if they do not want to ostracize their son, and you, any further. If your MIL won't accept some blame here and back the hell off, then I wish you the best - and I hope your fiance realizes what the right thing to do in that situation is.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 6/2/2006 5:28:00 PM
Author: VegasAngel
I think your MIL & my MIL may be related.

HI:

Gossip? Meddling? Intrigue? I KNOW mine is also in the fray!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 6/2/2006 4:09:03 PM
Author: Linda W
I had to add another comment. Isn''t it amazing how icky MIL''s can have such wonderful son''s????


Linda

This is soooo true. No you werent wrong she is treating you like crap over something that wasn''t a big deal.

Man whenlovehurts, if your MIL is a pain in the *ss now, she is probably going to be worse once you are married. I married my husband AND his mother. My MIL could possibly annoy me enough to file for divorce just to be rid of HER!

 

[diamondfan]

Unfortunately I know this subject well and also have a nasty, meddling manipulating MIL. She has ONLY lessened in the attacks lately because A: My dh AND I (I make sure she knows this) do a lot for her and she does finally get that, and B: she has a boyfriend so he has been a good influence to mellow her a bit. (but not much, sigh)

I think you need your fiance to know that you ARE NOT trying to drive a wedge. Let him see that they are the ones escalating, as someone else posted. You would like him AND you to have a nice relationship, you are not here to separate him from his family. HE needs to sit with them and explain this, and make it clear that this is NOT about not caring for them or loving them, but he is an adult and this is his life. He needs to let them know that while he loves them, as an adult with a fiancee and or wife, he will be making his life decsions with you and that they need to give you both your space to live. They are worried they will not see him because of you, and they are acting in a nasty way when they should just have open arms...by what they are doing they are CAUSING the very thing they do not want to have happen! I would then try to avoid them, and hope that once they calm down you all can work towards a decent coexistence.

Sadly, things usually get worse, not better. And your fiance may have to face the fact that THEY have forced the issue, and he might need to call their bluff...meaning that he stops contacting them and they see how silly it all is. He can always say to them that they pushed this with their actions, and that as soon as they wish to act in a civil way, then things can start to be worked on...

GOOD LUCK. I am sure he loves you and wants to do what is right, but this is tough on both of you...

 

[Snooper]

Date: 6/2/2006 4:09:03 PM
Author: Linda W
I had to add another comment. Isn''t it amazing how icky MIL''s can have such wonderful son''s????


Linda

SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh honey have I been there..... When my husband and I were dating everthing was great with my FMIL. Once we said the I do''s she turned into an evil, manipulating and controlling woman. I was blind sided by this as I had never seen this side of her. We dated for 4 years before we got married. It was a horrible situation, she called many times saying I took her son from her ETC.. I found my voice and spoke my mind. I said look, I love your son, no way am I going to take him away from you. Her husband died when hubby was 10. He was forced into the man of the house role. I said to her please respect me and I will respect you. Life is soo short. She knew she had met her match with me. Guess what, she and I now have a wonderful relationship. I love her very much. We actually can joke now about the rough times we had. But in the beginning, it was my husband that told her to lay off me. At one point, it was so bad with her I was ready to walk. I had a mother from hell, and didn''t need a MIL from hell either. I am so thankful we have a loving relationship now, who knew?? Speak your mind now and be firm. Good luck!!

 

[moremoremore]

Oh boy that sucks. I don''t have any advice that hasn''t been already given...but I have to ask...is there a reason that you guys have to see your respective parents every weekend? Yikes.

 

[movie zombie]

very very helpful:

Toxic In-Laws : Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

can''t recommend it enough.

my husband read:

Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

can''t recommend either book highly enough............

movie zombie

 

[Diam100]

Hmmmmmm I have a toxic MIL we can''t stand each other & I think it drives her nuts that I don''t put up with anything.

She is not allowed in my home period for the duration of my lifetime. My inlaws came to visit after a few years of ignoring them and I made them stay in a Manhattan hotel even though I have a 2nd bedroom. I warned her years ago if she didn''t show up to my wedding I would never ever forgive her & she chose to boycott the wedding. Yep didn''t show up - she said yes to the invite but no phone call that morning nothing at all they completely didn''t show-up. My parents were LIVID not to mention my husband was embarrased & disgusted. Thankfully my husband agrees with me or else I''d be divorced a second time.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 6/3/2006 4:51:28 PM
Author: Diam100
Hmmmmmm I have a toxic MIL we can''t stand each other & I think it drives her nuts that I don''t put up with anything.

She is not allowed in my home period for the duration of my lifetime. My inlaws came to visit after a few years of ignoring them and I made them stay in a Manhattan hotel even though I have a 2nd bedroom. I warned her years ago if she didn''t show up to my wedding I would never ever forgive her & she chose to boycott the wedding. Yep didn''t show up - she said yes to the invite but no phone call that morning nothing at all they completely didn''t show-up. My parents were LIVID not to mention my husband was embarrased & disgusted. Thankfully my husband agrees with me or else I''d be divorced a second time.

seems reasonable to me!

movie zombie

 

[firebirdgold]

Hmmm, have you considered secretly using one of those little memo voice recorders the next time you have to talk to your MIL? Sounds like a chunk of the problem is She said -She said. Both of you are saying that the other one is lying. So get proof!!

heh heh

 

[whenlovehurts]

But, we’ve had a pretty good weekend. We went to the beach (Santa Cruz) and the boards walk. I enjoyed it very much.

Even though, on our way home we argued for a bit. It’s about our trip to Europe, where we were initially going to stay at his parent’s house and yes they would be there at the same time. Well now that I am no longer welcome in his parents house (per his dad), we got to figure something out and find asolution. He said I got to help him and I said how, he said give me ideas. So I gave him a few ideas:

We could stay at our parents house, not have to pay anything (money saver)
We could rent a hotel (maybe a better idea, but we’ll spend more money) or
We may want to go somewhere else instead. Vacation somewhere else.

He doesn’t like any of the ideas and here are his reasons:

First one, he doesn’t want to stay at my parent’s house, because people would talk about him staying at his in-laws, and not with his parents. –okay understandable
Renting a hotel – He doesn’t like the idea because then his entire family (uncles, aunts, grandma, etc) would turn their back at him for not staying with his parents. I don’t understand this one. I am not welcome at his parent’s house, and that was their decision, why would they get mad at the two of us then?
And for the third one, he really wants to go there…

This is sooo hard!!! I feel that he isn’t trying to work with me. When I get really depressed and sad, then he comes and tells me he loves me no matter what. But why not try making our relationship happier then? I can’t understand him!

IndieJones,

I have not tried one of those voice recorders, but I’ve thought about it. I think its illegal I the state of CA to record without letting them know first and of course them agreeing to it. But what’s the point then if they already know?

 

[strmrdr]

This fits here 2 so im reposting.

This is an action reaction loop that any interaction can be broken down too.
The red is the loop and the blue is where the loop can be broken or got inside of by being ahead of them and heading them off.

Look at the loop and the parts you can control and then look at the situation and say where and how can I break the loop and do so in as many places as possible.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 6/5/2006 11:58:47 AM
Author: whenlovehurts

But, we’ve had a pretty good weekend. We went to the beach (Santa Cruz) and the boards walk. I enjoyed it very much.

Even though, on our way home we argued for a bit. It’s about our trip to Europe, where we were initially going to stay at his parent’s house and yes they would be there at the same time. Well now that I am no longer welcome in his parents house (per his dad), we got to figure something out and find asolution. He said I got to help him and I said how, he said give me ideas. So I gave him a few ideas:

We could stay at our parents house, not have to pay anything (money saver)
We could rent a hotel (maybe a better idea, but we’ll spend more money) or
We may want to go somewhere else instead. Vacation somewhere else.

He doesn’t like any of the ideas and here are his reasons:

First one, he doesn’t want to stay at my parent’s house, because people would talk about him staying at his in-laws, and not with his parents. –okay understandable
Renting a hotel – He doesn’t like the idea because then his entire family (uncles, aunts, grandma, etc) would turn their back at him for not staying with his parents. I don’t understand this one. I am not welcome at his parent’s house, and that was their decision, why would they get mad at the two of us then?
And for the third one, he really wants to go there…

This is sooo hard!!! I feel that he isn’t trying to work with me. When I get really depressed and sad, then he comes and tells me he loves me no matter what. But why not try making our relationship happier then? I can’t understand him!

IndieJones,

I have not tried one of those voice recorders, but I’ve thought about it. I think its illegal I the state of CA to record without letting them know first and of course them agreeing to it. But what’s the point then if they already know?

really? so you''re not supposed to both ever stay at your parents? if your family is like his, won''t they turn their back on you for not staying there?

solution: you stay at your parents, he stays at his....you can arrange dates on your vacation and get together.

better yet: this isn''t a vacation....its torture. send him alone and go do something you want to do.

movie zombie

ps i really do hope you get the book re toxic in-laws.....from what you''re writing, i do think it will help you deal with your husband and feel good about it.

 

[whenlovehurts]

So – we are seeing our counselor today. I am really looking forward to it.

I may just have to make a decision right there and then to leave him, if he is still not willing to compromise and unite with me as one.

It will be hard. Yes it will, but I just got to be ready for worst and see what happens. I’ve never lived on my own before so this may be very hard for me. I do have a friend who would move in with me, but she is just as nervous. So – this may be another thought.

One more thing is that I run my fiancés side business as far as all marketing, sales, accounting goes. I pretty much brought him 20K profit and in return I got to go to vacation with my IN-LAWS. That’s no appreciation, that’s torture! And if and when we do separate, I will not take any sort of payment, but rather take his website off and everything I’ve created. He will no longer be on the first pages of Yahoo, MSN or Google for all my hard work – he simply doesn’t deserve it and I am just being used in this relationship.

I’ll inform you guys of the after counseling decisions.

 

[whenlovehurts]

Hi everyone,

Okay so we went to the counselor. We shared the entire story there. Our counselor said that his dad should’ve not come to our place without calling first, and that it was a mistake on his end. However, he did say to me that I need to be patient a little bit, the fact that my fiancé did not go to the barbeque said something. He stayed with me verses going to the barbeque and that it was important.

The counselor told me that my fiancés family lives very back in the days and that it will be hard to change. However, that I am a very modern American woman and that it’s hard for me to cope with it.

We barely touched the vacation trip with his parents since we only had one hour. He said the same thing again, that if he doesn’t stay at his parents house, his entire family will get into it (grandmother, uncles, etc) and none of them will like me which will make it hard to participate in any family events. And he said “this is just so hard and I don’t know how we’ll be able to live with everyone hating us. Of course, my uncles and aunts will take my mom’s side because she is their sister.”

On top of that, I said, well they are your relatives, and what’s happening with your parents and us, should not matter to them because its our problem. They are further family and if they love you whom I am sure they do, they will want to see you anyway and should not turn their back.

Then I said, or if this is very hard for you, we could split. That’s when he got all worried up and stuff. And the counselor was like, well do you hear Anita? He was like yes, but I don’t know. I don’t want to loose her neither. I just want to have my family and her. Which is understandable from my point, but his parent’s behavior is something that I can not cope with.

So, much didn’t happen. Most of the time was spent on us explaining the situation to the counselor. However, next time we go the vacation will be discussed.

Also, I have a very good friend of mine that had mentioned a few things to me to make him feel the same way (not loved). My fiancé isn’t willing to put himself in my shoes because he simply ‘can’t think and doesn’t see things the way I do’. So, my friend suggested that I don’t cook and that I withhold sex. He feels that these two things will make him feel unloved, too. Up until now, he was like a baby. I did most things, now I feel like I shouldn’t. What do you think of this idea? Any suggestion of other things that I should do to make him feel a uncared for with hopes that he will realize and decide to change…

 

[blueroses]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this sweetie--your fiance is trying to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak, and really doesn''t seem to be supporting you the way he could.

I just wanted to point out something that really stuck out at me that no one else has responded to: what you said about your fiance says you''ll leave him the first chance you get, especially for someone who treats you better.....add that to his pretty irrational fears about you having coffee with a girlfriend and being (big deal!!) spoken to by men, I think that your fiance''s family aren''t the only ones who are old fashioned/living in the old days. The way your fiance is acting towards you makes me worry that he could have some real control issues and want to isolate/control YOU. And that''s not ok.

At this point, I don''t think you should do the vacation unless you stay with your own parents. (And I just don''t see how it''s any worse or shaming, or whatever, for the two of you to stay with YOUR parents vs. HIS. I mean, wasn''t that the future in-law''s on choice when they essentially banned you from their home? If they make a decision like that, then your fiance needs to stick by you. They don''t want you in the house? Fine, then they don''t get him.) Either that, or just don''t go!

You are not getting the respect you deserve here and I''m REALLY glad you''re in counseling--GOOD FOR YOU!!

Oh, and as far as tape-recording someone......it might be technically illegal, but that''s really more for police or court proceedings: if you were just doing it to prove yourself right (and prove that she was lying WITHIN the family) I doubt they''d do anything. On the other hand, you could go ahead and do the "legal" thing and notify her!!! Next time she starts yelling at you, tell her that the conversation is being recorded (whether it''s true or not.) That might shut her up!!