More divorce advice...

[OreoRosies86]

Ex and I signed our divorce papers 2 months ago and I have yet to still be officially divorced. We did everything uncontested and even my lawyer said it's the easiest divorce ever since we agreed on everything, it's a matter of having a court date.

About a week after we signed and I submitted my paperwork to the circuit court, a wonderful man dropped into my life like a bolt out of the blue. We both have children the same age, he has been divorced for 4 years. My family is being cautiously supportive as I went through a LOT with my ex.

My children haven't met him, but I have met his family. I want to introduce everyone fairly soon, but out of respect for my ex and the fact that they are our children, I want to give him a heads up like "Hey there's a new person they might meet as mom's friend." I'm scared. I know it's better to be legally done, but we have been separated for almost 2 years and I'm just frustrated and done with this. I want to be with this new person and factor him into my life. My children and I have been a team of 3 for so long, and I want to move slowly and feel things out. I'm so tired of being tied to someone who put me through so much trauma. I feel like the longer this goes on the harder it is to enjoy it.

If this gives any context a few months ago I had mentioned that I wasn't dating anyone and ex said "I don't give a **** what you do." Lovely.

 

[azstonie]

Good for you! I'm glad you're finding happiness!

I met my DH after I separated from my 1st husband and moved into my own condo. Enjoy this nice time in your life!

 

[sonnyjane]

What’s your question? Sounds like you have a plan for the intros, you have been separated for two years, and he has told you he doesn’t care. You’re golden!

 

[OreoRosies86]

I know, I know! It's guilt about the kids I think... like if I do anything for myself or anything that makes me happy I will somehow come across as a terrible selfish mother.

 

[Matata]

@Elliott86, the first thing that popped into my mind when I read is your post is how are your kids dealing with the divorce? Are they at a point where they can accept you having a "friend"? Second thing is, will your ex cause problems for you just for the hell of it if you tell him? Can your lawyer do anything to get a court date based on the trauma your ex caused you?

 

[MollyMalone]

How old are your kids, Elliot?

 

[OreoRosies86]

To add even more context, both my children see separate counselors on an as needed basis and we have done family workshops about the changing dynamic. Both confide in me that they are very happy living away from "the crazy house" aka when ex and I lived together. It was bad and they are thriving being away from that environment. My oldest has started to ask questions about some of her friends who have step parents and has pointed out examples in our own family. She's asked if I get a boyfriend could he be a musician (this was months before I met current guy, and I sort of laughed it off). They are elementary aged. All signs point to them being good to go on meeting a friend. NOT a friend who spends the night or shows mom affection in front of them for a looooong time.

And I know this makes me sound like a high pressure nightmare, but I would not live with a man who was in their lives unless we were already married. And that is a loooooong way off.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I don't believe ex would cause issues. He doesn't have a lawyer, everything was done through mine. Since I didn't want to go through the trauma of a trial, I went uncontested, which means the abuse didn't factor in. I just want to be divorced. I'm exhausted and sick over how long this process is taking. I'm not even getting child support yet.

 

[TooPatient]

My big concern is with your ex. Could it do ANYTHING as far as getting it all legal and over? You have come so far and I would hate to see him make a scene and delay things to get even. Even if you don't think he would, check with your attorney to make 10000 times sure that it wouldn't be a problem.

 

[december-fire]

I'm so happy that you met someone nice!

You said you don't think your ex will cause problems because of having a new man in your life, and you plan on taking it slow in terms of your children; no sleepovers, no displaying affection in front of the kids, etc. So sounds good to me!

You've been separated for almost two years, so its not as though you had a new man at your door the next day. I'm not sure what's bothering you; the fact that you're not divorced yet, the idea of getting into a new relationship, something else?

I don't know the legal process in your area, but I do know what its like to have a divorce process drag on and on forever! Its draining, frustrating and consumes your life. For years! But then its over. You will get to that day when the divorce is finalized and all this is behind you. Hang in there. But, in my opinion, there is no reason for you, after almost two years, to wait any longer before slowly introducing your children to this man and moving forward with your life.

 

[anne_h]

I agree it makes sense to give your ex a heads-up if/when you decide to introduce someone new to the kids. That's a nice courtesy as a co-parent. Because if you didn't, he'd hear about it from them anyways.

If you are saying you are nervous that giving your ex the heads-up could somehow jeopardize the finalization of your divorce, then I would suggest to wait the few weeks or months required. In the grand scheme of things it will not be that much time. Keep seeing your new friend of course, but just keep that info to yourself for a bit longer.

If I misunderstood your concern, then you can give your ex the heads-up whenever you are ready to tell your kids. No need to apologize or feel guilty... just keep it quick and factual, you don't need your ex's permission or approval. You just need to keep the co-parenting relationship working.

Exciting time for you! Enjoy your new relationship.

 

[TooPatient]

I would add that you should have him visit as a friend first (poss even with his kids) so that the kids get it from you and not from their dad in whatever way he wants to phrase it. Better for them to meet a friend and enjoy than go in suspicious or with bad feelings potentially already in place.

Oh, and congratulations on having someone you enjoy spending time with who is also interested in going slow and cautious. So glad to see something making you happy!

 

[AGBF]

I am happy for you, Elliot. I know you will handle it well. I am glad we get to hear about it.

Hugs,
(((Elliot)))
Deb

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

Maybe I am overly cautious but I don’t know if you should wait to introduce your kids until all the paperwork is final. This would lessen the risk of your ex causing any drama. It sounds like your kids are ready to have a normal family. I hope all the kids get along well together and enjoy having more fun in their lives. Congratulations on meeting someone nice!

 

[monarch64]

It’s hard to go through the holidays and not be able to share the occasions with everyone you love. I totally get it, went through it last year and am semi-going through it this year. My daughter knows my “best friend,” and has known him since she was born. We only recently started spending some time together on random weekends. Going out for brunch, going swimming at the gym we all belong to, having art project evenings. Very casual, low expectation stuff. He never stays the night when I have her. So my situation is quite different, but I really empathize with wanting to have everyone together and also trying to do what’s best for all involved. It’s difficult, but I think it will get easier. Patience is not my strong suit...

 

[Austina]

I’m super cautious too, I think I’d wait until the ink was dry on the divorce. I don’t know you or your ex, but in your situation, I’d want everything done before even telling your ex. I know he apparently doesn’t care, but ..............

I wish you so much happiness for the future, and hope things work out for you and your children.

 

[missy]

Elliot86 congratulations on your new and happy beginning and I wish you much happiness and love.

Perhaps ask your attorney for legal advisement under these circumstances. I think you would be A OK to introduce him to your kids and spend the holidays together. Plus your ex doesn't need to know you are dating yet. It's none of his business. Yes you want to introduce the kids but again you don't have to say he is your boyfriend yet. As you already wrote he won't stay overnight until you and the kids are ready and this way I don't see any reason not to spend the holidays with your kids and your beau.

Ask your attorney to make sure it is perfectly fine. You have the divorce proceedings well underway, it is an uncontested divorce and you have been separated for 2 years. If you don't have to why delay another moment. Enjoy your new life...you deserve it girl!

 

[House Cat]

Dear Elliot,

I would wait to introduce the children to someone else. This wouldn’t have anything to do with paperwork or the ex. It would have more to do with the fact that the relationship is still new. For my personal standards, two months isn’t enough time to judge whether or not someone is worthy of knowing my children. It isn’t long enough to know if this person will be a permanent fixture in my life. Introducing someone who may or may not be there in the future after they have been through so much wouldn’t be an option for me. The kids have been through enough already.

My mom brought many “uncles” in an out of my life when I was young. I fell head over heels in love with these men as a little girl. Then one day, they would be gone and I would be heart broken. The children really do bond and care and they really do suffer a loss when a breakup occurs.

Because of my experiences, I was extremely cautious with my son. I knew my current husband for almost a year and knew that we were very serious about one another before introducing our children to one another. Our kids were older than I was when meeting my mom’s boyfriends. They were less accepting of us. Adding the element of our children created a great deal of stress to our relationship. They acted out. They hated us. They fought. It was very stressful for them. It took a really long time to get this dynamic smoothed out. If my husband and I didn’t already have a strong bond, we wouldn’t have survived. So, consider the stress to the children and the stress to your budding relationship. You’re happy about your relationship right now but your children probably won’t be.

Maybe you should consult their therapist or your therapist about a timeline and best way to move forward with this.

I am very happy for you that your life is moving forward. You deserve happiness, Elliot.

 

[OreoRosies86]

According to my attorney, he could try to start problems if he was so inclined, but that would require him to hire and pay his own lawyer from out of state, at his expense. He can't and won't do that. Once everything was signed and filed it became VERY hard for him to try and claim adultery.

I know how I feel about this new person. I don't want to date around or have a series of men in their life. I just have a feeling that this is The Guy. We are both mid thirties and have a very realistic view of how we feel given our last experiences. The vast differences in these responses mirror my own mental process almost exactly.

 

[D2B]

Hi
Ask your attorney if ex could do anything to derail your divorce if he were to turn nasty. He says he may not care if you have a new man in your life, but lately due to personal cirumstances I have heard many stories of divorce etc and they all say that everything may be fine, but as soon as a new man/girl comes into the picture on either end - the whole dynamic can shift and all of a sudden he cares/gets delouse/gets vindictive etc. You are nearly there, enjoy your friendship but wait to introduce him to your kids until the paperwork is done and dusted and even then be prepared for fallout.

Also if this is a new relationship enjoy it first without the kids to see that it will all work out - I wouldn't introduce kids to anyone until you have made sure it will work and he is a keeper for you and for your kids. Apologies for the blunt quick email - it is 2 am here in my timezone and I am going through similar issues. all the best.

 

[elle_71125]

I just wanted to chime in and say I'm very happy for you. Starting a new relationship is as scary as it is exciting. You deserve to find someone to be happy with and, since it's been two years, I think you've waited long enough.

 

[House Cat]

According to my attorney, he could try to start problems if he was so inclined, but that would require him to hire and pay his own lawyer from out of state, at his expense. He can't and won't do that. Once everything was signed and filed it became VERY hard for him to try and claim adultery.

I know how I feel about this new person. I don't want to date around or have a series of men in their life. I just have a feeling that this is The Guy. We are both mid thirties and have a very realistic view of how we feel given our last experiences. The vast differences in these responses mirror my own mental process almost exactly.

I didn’t mean to imply that you would have a lot of men in your children’s lives. I was speaking from my own experience.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I would err on the side of caution regarding introducing kids. I know you think this guy is The One but maybe wait at least until the divorce is final?
Your ex may say he is fine with you dating---but when faced with the reality he may have extremely strong emotions. This is especially true if he has any controlling tendencies.

When DH and I got engaged we got bizarre emotional responses from both our exes, both of whom had cheated on us and initiated the divorces. And both were involved in other relationships of several years.
My ex began sending daily abusive emails to me at work. DH's ex came into our house while we were on our honeymoon (under pretext of picking up kids) and stole some of the china--lol.

It's a common phenomenon---along the lines of I don't want you but I also don't want anyone else to have you.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I didn’t mean to imply that you would have a lot of men in your children’s lives. I was speaking from my own experience.

Oh not at all! It's more a thought I myself am dealing with. I don't want to date around, dating is exhausting, but I sort of feel like I can't fall in love if my children aren't on board with him even just as a friend they see occasionally.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I would err on the side of caution regarding introducing kids. I know you think this guy is The One but maybe wait at least until the divorce is final?
Your ex may say he is fine with you dating---but when faced with the reality he may have extremely strong emotions. This is especially true if he has any controlling tendencies.

When DH and I got engaged we got bizarre emotional responses from both our exes, both of whom had cheated on us and initiated the divorces. And both were involved in other relationships of several years.
My ex began sending daily abusive emails to me at work. DH's ex came into our house while we were on our honeymoon (under pretext of picking up kids) and stole some of the china--lol.

It's a common phenomenon---along the lines of I don't want you but I also don't want anyone else to have you.

That's very interesting... and scary, given what I know about him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Dating post divorce is so hard! Yay you found someone you connect with. My daughter has only met two men and I waited 5-6 months prior to introducing them. I did this for a couple reasons. First, I wanted to make sure we really clicked before adding another element. I also don’t want to introduce her to a lot of people. I don’t want ANYONE to get hurt and there are extra attachments when kids are involved. I like to take things slow but I am a pretty cautious person overall. Your kids sound pretty young and may be likely to get attached easily. No rush. Enjoy your time with him and wait until everything is legal so there will be no issues with the ex. FWIW I never discussed introducing DD with my EH prior. I’m the main parent so maybe our situations are different.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Dating post divorce is so hard! Yay you found someone you connect with. My daughter has only met two men and I waited 5-6 months prior to introducing them. I did this for a couple reasons. First, I wanted to make sure we really clicked before adding another element. I also don’t want to introduce her to a lot of people. I don’t want ANYONE to get hurt and there are extra attachments when kids are involved. I like to take things slow but I am a pretty cautious person overall. Your kids sound pretty young and may be likely to get attached easily. No rush. Enjoy your time with him and wait until everything is legal so there will be no issues with the ex. FWIW I never discussed introducing DD with my EH prior. I’m the main parent so maybe our situations are different.

Thanks. It's difficult, I feel like I can't enjoy the relationship all the way if my kids haven't met him. He's being ridiculously patient and sweet. Ex and I technically share custody but he lives out of state and they are with me full time.

 

[Queenie60]

Since I'm not in your shoes Elliott, I wold not be able to form an opinion one way or another. I wish you the best and much happiness in the future. I am sure that whatever you decide, you will work it out for the best interest of your children.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Elliot that was my situation until a year ago when her dad moved close by. You should do what feels right. For me, I needed to wait. Luckily she wasn’t too attached to the first guy (we dated for 13 months). Current one is a different story.

 

[Calliecake]

I'm sooooo happy for you @Elliot86 . You deserve the very best!

I'm with @Elizabeth35 on this. Please consult your lawyer before having him meet your children. I've seen things get ugly once a new person enters the picture, especially when children are involved. He may not care that you are dating but him knowing his children may get attached to another man may bring out the worst in him. Especially if the ex is controlling.

It's such happy news to hear things are going well for you. I've missed you here!