Money Talk

[wakingdreams53]

At my company Christmas party a woman sat next to me and asked if I had a boyfriend. I said yes and she continued on to say a) I'm too young to get married and b) when you finally choose the right person to spend your life with, these 3 things are most important:
1. Children
2. Religion
3. Money

We're on the same page with #1 and 2, but perhaps not #3. SO and I live together and we've started avoiding conversations about money. This was interesting because this never came up in previous relationships, but here it's important. Then I did some research and apparently, a huge divulged reason for divorce is FINANCES! Especially the fact that it wasn't discussed prior to tying the knot.

I want to have the Money Talk with my SO and probably will when he comes home from work today... or tomorrow on his day off...

I know a lot of you ladies have been with your SOs for a very long time, so you probably know their spending/saving habits, etc, but regardless, have you had the "Money Talk" ?

 

[erinl]

I am already married and have been for 8 years. I would say money is the #1 problem in our relationship. Money is a multi-layered, complicated issue, and really won't be resolved with one talk, imo. So from my perspective, I would need more details before being able to give advice. Some things that come up:

1. Are you both planning to work throughout the marriage, even when children might come into the equation?
2. Are you happy with where your husband is career-wise, even if he were to stay at that position forever without any promotions? And would he be happy with you?
3. When do you both plan on retiring and in what manner do you both hope to retire?

that's just the tip of the iceberg, and things really change once you get married-- I think a lot of money issues that were present within your family come to the surface when you get married!

 

[wakingdreams53]

I am already married and have been for 8 years. I would say money is the #1 problem in our relationship. Money is a multi-layered, complicated issue, and really won't be resolved with one talk, imo. So from my perspective, I would need more details before being able to give advice. Some things that come up:

1. Are you both planning to work throughout the marriage, even when children might come into the equation?
2. Are you happy with where your husband is career-wise, even if he were to stay at that position forever without any promotions? And would he be happy with you?
3. When do you both plan on retiring and in what manner do you both hope to retire?

that's just the tip of the iceberg, and things really change once you get married-- I think a lot of money issues that were present within your family come to the surface when you get married!

ErinL, those are great questions! I'm actually totally apprehensive about starting this convo. As a married woman, what other important money related things do you feel like you should have known prior to marriage?

 

[erinl]

WakingDreams:

How long have you been dating your significant other? I would imagine you have some ideas about how you and your SO are similar or different regarding money at this point.

Are you and your SO savers or spenders? That dynamic is key to any discussion or questions that follow.

 

[lin_ny]

I guess you can start by asking yourself what you hope to get out of a 'money talk'.

Like erinl mentioned, there's lots of questions or topics you could address to make sure you're on the same page. Truthfully, money issues will always arise. It's not necessarily the differences between you two (spender vs saver, etc., although fundamental differences will almost always cause problems), it's more so how you deal with them; which is how most issues arise in marriages/relationships - the failure to communicate your wants/needs/feelings/desires will destroy the relationship.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - just talk about everything "money" related. Talk about your 5 year financial/life plan. Talk about your future wedding and how much you both feel comfortable spending on something like that (weddings are damn expensive). Talk about buying a house/property together (if you don't already own something together). Talk about how you will share finances when you live together - for example, my boyfriend and I both pay everything equally - mortgage comes out of my bank acct and I pay utilities but everything goes onto a spreadsheet and he pays me every month. Big spending on groceries (Costco!) also go into the spreadsheet. When we get married, we will still maintain our own bank accounts. Nothing worse than having to be accountable to your spouse for buying some new clothes or something, right?! Talk about current large purchases (new cars, etc), and how they affect the financial future of you as a couple. And if you're so inclined, talk about children - do you want them? If so, will you take a maternity leave? Kids are also damn expensive, and mat leave doesn't pay much (in Canada we have mat leave which is nice).

Anyway, you obviously don't need to talk about all this stuff at one sitting (hahaha... he'd be scared. ), but these are just things that you'll talk about as life goes on and you get closer to doing big things like moving in, buying a house, getting married & having kids.

ETA: Why do you feel like you're avoiding money issues? Or is it coming from him?

Hope this helps.

 

[mary poppins]

Here are a couple of relevant and important questions:

What is your credit score and how did you get there? Swap credit reports.

A great way to avoid unpleasant surprises later. You will get insight into spending habits, attitude towards money and level financial responsibility.

 

[FrekeChild]

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3.5, and you need to have the money talk now if you plan on continuing the relationship.

I like the credit report idea.

We have had no conflicts about money because we knew everything going in. He knew I didn't have any credit cards and essentially a blank credit slate with no debt, I knew he had a bajillion and a half dollars in student loans. And we knew each other's spending and saving habits.

Now that we're looking at buying a house, this is all very important. It's one of the biggest purchases that we'll make in our lives and we have to do it jointly.

Why are you actively avoiding it? If you're approaching marriage, all cards need to be on the table.

 

[Chewbacca]

My suggestion is to be completely open with one another. You'll need to cover past, present and future!

I haven't had a sit down money talk, but we keep everything above board with each other. I guess we had been dating for a few years when we moved in together, so we'd picked it up along the way! I'd be particularly interested in the going forward part - will you merge bank accounts, will you merge debt? How does your SO manage his money/share how you manage yours.



erinl's questions are really good!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I am already married and have been for 8 years. I would say money is the #1 problem in our relationship. Money is a multi-layered, complicated issue, and really won't be resolved with one talk, imo. So from my perspective, I would need more details before being able to give advice. Some things that come up:

1. Are you both planning to work throughout the marriage, even when children might come into the equation?
2. Are you happy with where your husband is career-wise, even if he were to stay at that position forever without any promotions? And would he be happy with you?
3. When do you both plan on retiring and in what manner do you both hope to retire?

that's just the tip of the iceberg, and things really change once you get married-- I think a lot of money issues that were present within your family come to the surface when you get married!

These are great questions! My DH and I covered question #1 on our first date lol...He asked what I wanted to do with my self and I told him that my ideal career would be a SAHM. He was perfectly ok with that and told me that he always planned to be the bread winner in his family. Woohoo!! Question #2 was a given. He works for his dad and will be taking over the business. We haven't worried about retirement just yet, but it is definitely something to chat about!

 

[Rhea]

I don't know that we've ever had The Money Talk. It happened a lot more naturally than that. We've talked about money from the beginning and were almost immediately involved in each other's financial lives and decisions. It's more like several small daily talks over the past ten years, including at the very beginning, rather than one big talk at some point. I can't remember a time that we ever haven't discussed money. I wouldn't even know where to start with a big talk!

We've been together 10 years, married 7, and nearly split up due to money. We were on the same page spending wise, but not earning wise. Money is also very complicated. For us, it tied a lot into upbringing and how we communicate with we families we were born into. No simple fix there! My DH works/worked for his father as well. It hasn't always been easy.

Have you discussed financial goals?
How will you spend any left-over money?
What are priorities money-wise and where do children fall in place?
Expectations for supporting parents or extended family later in life?