momma drama, beware it''s long and complicated!

[brandy_z28]

I probably shouldn''t even be posting this but here goes. I''m so frustrated with MIL and BIL''s right now. I just need to vent and maybe a little reassurance/advice.

We got married in Vegas on 3/13 and the location was gorgeous, we did things our way and ultimately wouldn''t change a thing. DH and I were the happiest couple on the planet and ecstatic with how everything turned out. It was absolutely amazing!

Now begin the rant; when we were taking pictures with the photographer immediately after the ceremony MIL kept insisting that she be inbetween DH and I for the photos. Of course the photographer made her move. She didn''t like that and one of my bridesmaids told her that she couldn''t come between us anymore, that wasn''t her place. Drama ensued and MIL even went so far as to say that my DH was her (major exaggeration on her, but of course she said MY) son and that if I, as in me-the bride, "ever tried to put the ole'' ball and chain on him she''d remove it herself." We all moved on, let it go, she got pictures with her son by herself and she seemed to be ok. Then we all go to dinner. We get to the restaurant, it''s just your run of the mill Vegas hotel restaurant-I even forget the name, about $10 a plate average and MIL and BIL pitch a fit about the price and LEAVE. Apparently $10 was too much to pay for dinner.

My DH was so embarrassed! They made asses of themselves and it honestly didn''t bother me much. Everyone knew ahead of time that we were having a reception back home and though we''d have loved to, we couldn''t pay for dinner that night. No one else had a problem with anything...that''s why we chose a cheaper place.

Now, we''re having our reception this coming Saturday. When we got engaged BIL offered to do the BBQ and another BIL offered to buy the beer. It was VERY nice of them and we let them know that we''d love for them to do that for us and would gladly pitch in $ to help them out. All they had to do was let us know. BUT last weekend it started. DH gets a call that his mom wants him to ride with her in the car while she drops his nieces off with their mother(4 hour trip). He didn''t want to and told her no, and that we had a lot of stuff to do that day. BIL calls and starts threatening not to help BBQ (like he volunteered) for the reception unless DH goes. The next thing I know MIL shows up at our house, never comes in, and DH gets in the car with her and they leave.

DH didn''t even tell me anything.

I figured out what had happened since he''d told me that she wanted him to go with her but last I''d heard he wasn''t going. All MIL did was bitch at DH in the car, she just wanted to have him somewhere where he couldn''t walk away or hang up on her. DH and I have since talked things through (I had no clue as to why he left on Sunday, DH did what he thought was best-he''s just too nice of a guy sometimes). I was so mad on Monday that I wanted to cancel the reception, at the very least move it and do it totally by ourselves. DH was against that and didn''t want to leave so many people hanging or upset his friends and family. I guess now I do see his point but I don''t even want to go. Knowing what the in-laws have pulled so far I can''t imagine what else they have up their sleeves.

Their behavior can''t be normal. Or is it? Am I being a brat? DILzilla?

I just feel like this event is a big black cloud and can''t seem to get excited about. My friends, especially my bridesmaid that set MIL straight the first time, all say they have my back and won''t let her ruin our event, it is our event afterall and not hers. I just keep picturing our reception turning into a Jerry Springer episode.

Sorry it was so long!!! Thanks for taking the time to read it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Sounds like Mamma has got some sort of Oedipus/ Freud thing going on and needs to cut the cord.


Is DH''s dad not around to pacify her?

 

[KatyWI]

That is 100% uncalled for.

What is this woman''s problem? Your DH seriously needs to cut the cord here, or you are in for a lifetime of this!

I''m so sorry you''re going through this. It is NOT normal, and hopefully you''ll be able to work something out as a family so you don''t have to worry about it constantly.

 

[Pandora II]

I would be moving asap - to another continent if possible!

Seriously this is not normal behaviour - but your DH needs to step up and deal with HIS mother.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

By the way, you might want to have a chat with your husband about why he would leave the house on a four hour car trip without telling you he was going. That is very passive and not a healthy way of avoiding confrontation. It sounds like he knew you'd be really ticked off and want to stand up for him, so in an effort to avoid confrontation with you beforehand and avoid confrontation with his mother, he "snuck out" of the house. You're his partner, not his mother! He should be able to talk to you about stuff like this, and that might mean that you need to work on being more approachable and calm about family issues, or it might mean that he needs to grow a pair and realize he is not his mother's son anymore - he is your husband. I really can't say if either of those apply since I don't know you!


Just remember that you can't control your in-laws' behavior during the reception, but you can control your own. Be classy and graceful, deflect their tacky comments or rude behavior as if it has no affect on you, and let others see that you are the bigger person.

Then come back here and tell us how awful the harpy is.

 

[Mediterranean]

I know that the heart of the issue is his mom's whacked out behavior, and I see you're already getting some really good calls from the posters above...

I just am posting to say that what struck me about the whole entire post is how absolutely, 100% classy you have been in the face of their childish behavior! I'm glad that I read your post. I can definitely use a good influence like you, because my first reaction is to fight fire with fire, and treat them the way they've treated me. NOT really a good coping method...Ugh. I need to work on that.

This doesn't mean you need to put up with abusive or insulting behavior. If MIL/BIL's act this way at the party (or frankly any other gathering) just smile, excuse yourself to leave, and don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction. They'll get bored and cut it out. It's not fun to play volleyball with nobody across the net.

But I really do think you're very much a class act. I'm really impressed. You totally ROCK

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 3/26/2009 8:13:43 PM
Author: Mediterranean
I know that the heart of the issue is his mom''s whacked out behavior, and I see you''re already getting some really good calls from the posters above...

I just am posting to say that what struck me about the whole entire post is how absolutely, 100% classy you have been in the face of their childish behavior! I''m glad that I read your post. I can definitely use a good influence like you, because my first reaction is to fight fire with fire, and treat them the way they''ve treated me. NOT really a good coping method...Ugh. I need to work on that.

This doesn''t mean you need to put up with abusive or insulting behavior. If MIL/BIL''s act this way at the party (or frankly any other gathering) just smile, excuse yourself to leave, and don''t give them the satisfaction of a reaction. They''ll get bored and cut it out. It''s not fun to play volleyball with nobody across the net.

But I really do think you''re very much a class act. I''m really impressed. You totally ROCK

Ditto Med and the posters above. It sounds like you''ve handled the situation really well. I''m sorry that she has been such a royal brat to you. I''m so sorry that she felt the need to behave that way. Entitled MILs really bother me.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 3/26/2009 7:25:36 PM
Author: Pandora II

I would be moving asap - to another continent if possible!


Seriously this is not normal behaviour - but your DH needs to step up and deal with HIS mother.

BIG DITTO

Also couble ditto to Mediterranean the MIL''s behavious is not normal.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Definitely not OK behavior - normal or not.

I think you and your DH need to start setting some really firm and clear boundaries with his mom and your BILs. Whatever the guidelines you decide on are, however you decide to handle a situation, your DH has to be in your corner above all. You two are married now, that''s how it works.

And he has to be clear on this, and then he needs to make it clear to your MIL. Its the only way your marriage is ever going to work - otherwise this will continue to cause pain and angst throughout your marriage.

 

[PugLover]

Eeeek! Definitely something that your hubby will have to help you out with. It really is his responsibility to nip this in the butt now, so that it doesn''t continue and cause you more angst in the future. Or like Pandora said, you can always move to another continent

. Good luck!

 

[meresal]

To play Devil's advocate... I can understand why your DH hasn't stood up to your MIL and your BIL's. You still have this very important celebration to attend as a "family". No matter what is happening right now, the odds of it lasting forever, is probably very slim, and if his family decided not to show up to celebrate with you, that could be very hurtful for years to come.

After this reception... Yes, he needs to stand up to his family and set boundaries... but for right now, just try not to think about it, and have a wonderful time no matter what MIL tries to do. Stay srtong and classy like you have been. The only advice I really have from experience, is that getting mad at your DH for not turning on his family is only going to want him to hide things from you more. I've been there. It's not a very good feeling when you know that the love of your life is scared to talk to you. It left my FI feeling very alone, and that is not what a healthy relationship is about.

Like your DH has said, there are lots of people involved in this reception, yes? So if his brother's bailed, you would probably be out a bunch of money trying to pay to feed everyone.

I'm sorry that your MIL is acting like this... and I can't even believe that she would stand in the middle of the two of you for pictures... that is ridiculous, and then leaving the dinner...

Brandy, just try and look at the big picture. He's already yours, and after this weekend, his family won't have anything to hold over your heads.

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/26/2009 7:15:57 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Sounds like Mamma has got some sort of Oedipus/ Freud thing going on and needs to cut the cord.



Is DH''s dad not around to pacify her?

DH''s dad isn''t around and hasn''t been since they were very young.

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/26/2009 7:27:40 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
By the way, you might want to have a chat with your husband about why he would leave the house on a four hour car trip without telling you he was going. That is very passive and not a healthy way of avoiding confrontation. It sounds like he knew you''d be really ticked off and want to stand up for him, so in an effort to avoid confrontation with you beforehand and avoid confrontation with his mother, he ''snuck out'' of the house. You''re his partner, not his mother! He should be able to talk to you about stuff like this, and that might mean that you need to work on being more approachable and calm about family issues, or it might mean that he needs to grow a pair and realize he is not his mother''s son anymore - he is your husband. I really can''t say if either of those apply since I don''t know you!



Just remember that you can''t control your in-laws'' behavior during the reception, but you can control your own. Be classy and graceful, deflect their tacky comments or rude behavior as if it has no affect on you, and let others see that you are the bigger person.


Then come back here and tell us how awful the harpy is.

DH and I did discuss him leaving like that and he knows that it was wrong and that it won''t happen again. He did say that he knew I''d be mad especially with the ultimatum that was made and wanted to avoid any confrontation. He also most definitely needs to cut the chord and that''s something only he can do. We most definitely have our work cut out for us. I know he did what he thought was best and just wanted everything to go relatively smoothly but he didn''t think far enough ahead.

Thank you!

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/26/2009 9:54:16 PM
Author: Clairitek

Date: 3/26/2009 8:13:43 PM

Author: Mediterranean

I know that the heart of the issue is his mom's whacked out behavior, and I see you're already getting some really good calls from the posters above...


I just am posting to say that what struck me about the whole entire post is how absolutely, 100% classy you have been in the face of their childish behavior! I'm glad that I read your post. I can definitely use a good influence like you, because my first reaction is to fight fire with fire, and treat them the way they've treated me. NOT really a good coping method...Ugh. I need to work on that.


This doesn't mean you need to put up with abusive or insulting behavior. If MIL/BIL's act this way at the party (or frankly any other gathering) just smile, excuse yourself to leave, and don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction. They'll get bored and cut it out. It's not fun to play volleyball with nobody across the net.


But I really do think you're very much a class act. I'm really impressed. You totally ROCK

Ditto Med and the posters above. It sounds like you've handled the situation really well. I'm sorry that she has been such a royal brat to you. I'm so sorry that she felt the need to behave that way. Entitled MILs really bother me.

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am normally the kind to fight fire with fire and as much as I'd like to do that its inappropriate in this situation. I just hope to be able to not let them get to me. One more event...just one more, I think I can.

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/26/2009 10:57:51 PM
Author: meresal
To play Devil''s advocate... I can understand why your DH hasn''t stood up to your MIL and your BIL''s. You still have this very important celebration to attend as a ''family''. No matter what is happening right now, the odds of it lasting forever, is probably very slim, and if his family decided not to show up to celebrate with you, that could be very hurtful for years to come.


After this reception... Yes, he needs to stand up to his family and set boundaries... but for right now, just try not to think about it, and have a wonderful time no matter what MIL tries to do. Stay srtong and classy like you have been. The only advice I really have from experience, is that getting mad at your DH for not turning on his family is only going to want him to hide things from you more. I''ve been there. It''s not a very good feeling when you know that the love of your life is scared to talk to you. It left my FI feeling very alone, and that is not what a healthy relationship is about.


Like your DH has said, there are lots of people involved in this reception, yes? So if his brother''s bailed, you would probably be out a bunch of money trying to pay to feed everyone.


I''m sorry that your MIL is acting like this... and I can''t even believe that she would stand in the middle of the two of you for pictures... that is ridiculous, and then leaving the dinner...

Brandy, just try and look at the big picture. He''s already yours, and after this weekend, his family won''t have anything to hold over your heads.

The big picture is the only thing getting me to the reception and through it. You are absolutely right Meresal! After this weekend DH is going to have to set ground rules for his family. We''re on the same page now and I know that initially MIL is going to have a hissy and we have to stay strong. DH was afraid to talk to me because I''ve gotten upset before when they''ve walked all over him. MIL is such a needy and demanding person...BILs just make it harder. MIL calls them crying and they call and cuss DH and he caves. The end is in sight!

Thanks again!

 

[galvana]

no you are not being a brat. I am going through it too. families are amazing and strange and just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
good luck with "dealing" - im still trying to figure out how i can "deal" with mine - FMIL, SIL, and BIL.

you are not alone girl...................... sorry -

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/27/2009 10:44:59 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
no you are not being a brat. I am going through it too. families are amazing and strange and just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
good luck with ''dealing'' - im still trying to figure out how i can ''deal'' with mine - FMIL, SIL, and BIL.

you are not alone girl...................... sorry -

I''m so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with it too! Best of luck to you! The ladies here have given us some great suggestions. Now if I/we can only follow through with it, smiling and not visibily getting upset by them, all will be good! On the inside I''m going to be cursing them though! I can do it, WE can do it!

At the wedding it was so easy to do. I was on such a high that it was nothing, no one could ruin that day!

 

[House Cat]

Are you being a brat? Absolutely not! MIL''s behavior is way out of line.

Look, MIL is the queen in the family and BIL''s are used to hovering around her, serving her, and doing whatever they can to pacify her. When someone (FI) stands up to her and upsets the queen, they will certainly force that person to fall in line! This is the family dynamic and it''s probably been going on since the moment these children were born!

Can''t change it...

One of the new boundaries that you should consider setting after this reception: Do not accept anything from anyone on that side of the family (no matter how attractive.) It most certainly seems to come with a hefty price! It seems that you must either sacrafice yourself physically or emotionally. Not worth it, IMHO. You are married now, growing older (not too old) and this is the time to be true to yourselves. You want to be the people you''ve always dreamed of becoming. Bowing to every wish of the queen probably doesn''t fit in that equation.

I''m really sorry that you have to deal with this kind of emotional blackmail from the BIL''s, sounds like they learned from the best. I''m really sorry that MIL can''t allow you two to be the center of attention for at least one day! You have gotten some wonderful advice, enjoy your day. Stick close to those who love you and spend your time basking in the merriment and love that IS there at your reception. Let the rest of the junk sit in the corner!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 3/26/2009 7:25:36 PM
Author: Pandora II

I would be moving asap - to another continent if possible!

Seriously this is not normal behaviour - but your DH needs to step up and deal with HIS mother.

Oh yes....Not good. NOT normal...

You need to set crystal clear boundaries NOW, especially if having a family is in your future otherwise she will make your life a misery. You can do this and good for you for getting your Husband on board, you need to present a united front! Once she realizes her disgraceful behaviour won't be tolerated, she should start to behave herself.

 

[NuggetBrain]

You handled everything much better than I would have. Obviously Mommy Dearest is used to being the center of attention in her boys' lives. While it's obvious that the other two sons haven't had a problem with that (are they married? I can't imagine a woman being okay with that) your husband at least understands that its not normal. Now he just has to do something about it. He can't ignore his mother at your reception, so he needs to sit her down and have a talk - this is your day, not hers, and if she cannot accept that and be gracious, then their relationship in the future will change. I wouldn't have him tell her not to come to the reception as that will cause all sorts of issues, but if she's this bad with her son imagine how she'll be with your kids if she isn't brought up short real quick.

He should also talk to his BIL and tell him that volunteering for something and then using it for blackmailing someone else into something is bogus, and real men don't pull that kind of crap. And if he's going to do that again, then he can forget about helping out with the wedding. You'd prefer someone more dependable to help out.

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/27/2009 12:27:14 PM
Author: House Cat
Are you being a brat? Absolutely not! MIL''s behavior is way out of line.

Look, MIL is the queen in the family and BIL''s are used to hovering around her, serving her, and doing whatever they can to pacify her. When someone (FI) stands up to her and upsets the queen, they will certainly force that person to fall in line! This is the family dynamic and it''s probably been going on since the moment these children were born!

Can''t change it...

One of the new boundaries that you should consider setting after this reception: Do not accept anything from anyone on that side of the family (no matter how attractive.) It most certainly seems to come with a hefty price! It seems that you must either sacrafice yourself physically or emotionally. Not worth it, IMHO. You are married now, growing older (not too old) and this is the time to be true to yourselves. You want to be the people you''ve always dreamed of becoming. Bowing to every wish of the queen probably doesn''t fit in that equation.

I''m really sorry that you have to deal with this kind of emotional blackmail from the BIL''s, sounds like they learned from the best. I''m really sorry that MIL can''t allow you two to be the center of attention for at least one day! You have gotten some wonderful advice, enjoy your day. Stick close to those who love you and spend your time basking in the merriment and love that IS there at your reception. Let the rest of the junk sit in the corner!

We will absolutely not accept any kind of help from them from this point forward. I do not tolerate being bullied around and DH is tired of it too! It''s very reassuring to hear your suggestions and know that what we''ve thought and decided is hopefully on target for where we want to be and how to best handle this situation.

Thank you so much!

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/27/2009 12:33:32 PM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 3/26/2009 7:25:36 PM
Author: Pandora II

I would be moving asap - to another continent if possible!

Seriously this is not normal behaviour - but your DH needs to step up and deal with HIS mother.

Oh yes....Not good. NOT normal...

You need to set crystal clear boundaries NOW, especially if having a family is in your future otherwise she will make your life a misery. You can do this and good for you for getting your Husband on board, you need to present a united front! Once she realizes her disgraceful behaviour won''t be tolerated, she should start to behave herself.

The boundaries will be set just as soon as we make it through Saturday. DH and I had discussed the need for them before we got married and agreed that we had to set some. While I didn''t understand his actions at first when he took off for that road trip with his mom I do see why; it was to try to keep the peace for the reception. Once that''s done, the world as they know it with us in it is going to change completely.

Thanks!

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/27/2009 12:46:19 PM
Author: NuggetBrain
You handled everything much better than I would have. Obviously Mommy Dearest is used to being the center of attention in her boys'' lives. While it''s obvious that the other two sons haven''t had a problem with that (are they married? I can''t imagine a woman being okay with that) your husband at least understands that its not normal. Now he just has to do something about it. He can''t ignore his mother at your reception, so he needs to sit her down and have a talk - this is your day, not hers, and if she cannot accept that and be gracious, then their relationship in the future will change. I wouldn''t have him tell her not to come to the reception as that will cause all sorts of issues, but if she''s this bad with her son imagine how she''ll be with your kids if she isn''t brought up short real quick.

He should also talk to his BIL and tell him that volunteering for something and then using it for blackmailing someone else into something is bogus, and real men don''t pull that kind of crap. And if he''s going to do that again, then he can forget about helping out with the wedding. You''d prefer someone more dependable to help out.

MIL is always the center of attention! BIL #1 is divorced and according to my DH it is because of the MIL. The weirdest thing about it is that DH''s brothers are allowed to have lives and families while DH is always having to cater to MIL because she''s demanding this or that and everyone else has something going on. DH isn''t allowed to have a life beyond his mom. BIL #2 has always been labeled MIL''s favorite and I can see why, he''s usually the one to call and cuss DH. We''ve already had one issue with MIL and my kids. BIL #3 called them a mistake and MIL got mad at me for letting BIL #3 know how I felt about that and how inappropriate that comment was.

Somehow I was the bad person for defending my children. BIL #3 also doesn''t own a cell phone and won''t answer his home phone. He hides from his own family. I can''t blame him one bit.

I was begging DH to call BIL #1 (the volunteer BBQ''er) and tell him that I''d BBQ the food myself. DH wouldn''t do it. I felt that exact way! Totally bogus and something an elementary kid would do!

I can''t tell you gals thanks enough and how much I appreciate the suggestions and support!

 

[tlh]

I dont even know what to say. That is not normal... and you are not being a brat.

There are some serious issues at play here... and it could be a very bumpy ride. HUGE HUGS! I think you should rent the movie ONLY THE LONELY with John Candy... I think you might get a chuckle out of it! or not... might hit too close to hom.... or "Mother" w/ Debbie Reynolds.... both movies are very interesting and might change your mood from

to

AGAIN HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[brandy_z28]

Date: 3/27/2009 1:37:52 PM
Author: tlh
I dont even know what to say. That is not normal... and you are not being a brat.

There are some serious issues at play here... and it could be a very bumpy ride. HUGE HUGS! I think you should rent the movie ONLY THE LONELY with John Candy... I think you might get a chuckle out of it! or not... might hit too close to hom.... or ''Mother'' w/ Debbie Reynolds.... both movies are very interesting and might change your mood from

to

AGAIN HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I''m taking note of those movies! After this weekend I may need to make it a double feature night!

Thank you!

 

[Kelli]

You poor thing!! I hope that you and your husband can work though this. I fear the only way though, is for HIM to let his mother (and brothers) know that their behavior will no longer be tolerated. One of my best friends is going through something similar right now, and it''s driving her bonkers as well.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Brandy unfortunately I know exactly where you''re coming from, especially the crying fits, and having siblings along with others whine on behalf of the MIL. Blech - where''s the vomit emotie when you need it?

The best way to deal with this to not respond to fits, after all the only reason she throws said fits is because they work. If she calls crying, etc., dh should tell her that he will not talk to her that way, and hang up. Same goes for BILs, and their crap. Just hang up the phone. Eventually the will get it, and act respectfully, or not have a relationship with you and dh at all.

When you do set boundaries, don''t expect them to immediately change their ways, because they won''t. They''ve been behaving this way all their lives, and it will take some (for lack of a better word) training to fix their behavior. In addition, you dh has to be prepared to for the possibility that said training may sever the relationship he has with his family.

I ditto on never accepting anything from them. Good luck!

 

[elrohwen]

First,

Those two are nutso. I don''t blame you for being upset at their behavior. The $10 dinner thing made me crack up. Seriously ... I think Applebee''s is more expensive than that, but they couldn''t swing it for their son''s wedding night?

Second, I think you should have your reception and enjoy it! Your friends and family will be there celebrating your wonderful marriage. Don''t let your crazy inlaws stand in the way. They might make a comment or two, but try to let it roll off your back. Your guests probably won''t even notice the drama and you''ll be better off hanging with the drama free people.

Also, I''d take BIL off of BBQ duty. It sounds like he''s going to do what he can to make it stressful, so see if you can find someone else to do it (I''m not sure if he was just paying, or also doing the work ... you could always pay for the food, but finding someone to cook it might be the hard part). I think taking that job away from him will limit the potential drama.

 

[miraclesrule]

GAH!! I didn''t even need to read the posts to know that MIL wasn''t hooked up with a FIL.

Seriously, some woman are borderline DILzilla''s...you are not even remotely close to one of them...if you are telling the whole story.

A MIL who wanted to plant herself between you and DH? I could see this if she was clowning around and wanted both of you to play chair with her and lift her up because she paid for the whole damn thing... (which in retrospect...would have kind of been nice for my DD and SIL to do for me during the whole picture taking posing crap (because I just wanted a drink)

Anyway...vent away brandy...and listen to the good advice from the posters (just ignore the bad advice)

Sheesh, the more I hear about MIL''s, the more I worship the ground I walk on.

 

[House Cat]

Thinking of you today and hoping that you are having a wonderful time at your reception!

Sending you strength as well.