Mom-zilla?

[DietCokeBreak]

My mom is footing the bill for the wedding, but we have different taste in almost everything. Mostly she is concerned about "what people will think", and therefore insists on doing everything in a really formal traditional way. I offered to pay, but she said that as long as I''m doing it in our hometown, people will judge her if it''s not "appropriate" so no matter who''s paying, it has to be a certain way. She said she would be embarrassed if I did any of the following:

Groom''s Cake
Wedding programs (in her day no one had them because you "ought to know what to do")
DJ instead of a band
dancing at all if less than 100 people are attending
didn''t have separate music for my processional (see earlier post)
had a 3 layer cake and sheet cake in the back
thermographed invitations
any embellishment at all on invitations-- even a simple gold trim
any sparkle-- at all-- on my dress (she says sparkle is tacky unless you''re 17 and going to the prom)

that''s just a few...

I''m a pretty traditional person, but she isn''t leaving any room for fun. In exchange for all these more expensive things, she thinks photography is wasteful. She says we''ll never look at it again, so we shouldn''t spend much money on it. I offered to pay for the photos, and she called me frivolous. Apparently she only wants to spend money on what other people will see. Since our guests won''t see the photos, she doesn''t even care about them.

Have any of you ladies had troubles with mom? How do you negotiate these things? I don''t want to fight with her, but I do want to get married in my hometown, and doing so any way other than her way seems that it will start a massive argument. I''m seriously considering eloping, even though I''ve always dreamed about a real wedding.

 

[Winks_Elf]

If I read correctly from another post you had made, you are 35 and your fiance is 37, correct? Why is your mother footing the bill for the wedding??? You and he are old enough to pay for your own wedding. And if it's because you were never married before, ask your mother to give you and your beloved a nice nest egg to put towards a house instead of paying for the wedding. There is a reason for this...

Unfortunately, too many controlling parents think if they are paying, they get to dictate how things will be done. So unfair!!! The way to eliminate the problem is to pay for it yourself. I have never heard of such thinking as you've listed. No trim at all on invitations or sparkle on the gown??? Ma, hello! It's 2009, not 1799! Elegant embellishment is all the rage with high-end gowns. Invitations can be all frilly and romantic, or plain, or even techno these days. Most people prefer to go to a wedding where there is a DJ playing because cover bands suck! The groom's cake is a very old tradition, and is meant to reflect the groom's taste since the bride gets to dictate everything else.

(((((BIG HUG))))) sweetie. I feel bad for you. My own mother still has a bad habit of talking to me like I'm a 15-year-old babysitting for someone else's kids, and I'm a 39-year-old mom of four.

 

[BeachRunner]

I''m sorry you are going through such a hard time with planning. Just remember one thing, its YOUR wedding.

I would personally spend more money on a great photographer and cut some other things out if needed.
Conclusion: People prioritize different aspects of their wedding. I think you and your Mom just need to sit down and talk about what is important to you with keeping her feelings in mind. After all, she is paying for it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''m sorry your mom is being crazy... there isn''t a better word for it! Maybe since she will not take your word for it, you could show her several articles from respected etiquette columns telling the new traditions and social expectations of a wedding. If she is truly worried about "what people will think" then she really should get a grip on what people think in 2009! There is nothing wrong with the wedding my parents or future in-laws held over thirty years ago, but I would be waaaaay out of the current social expectation if I threw the same wedding. I imagine your mother''s wedding is the same! Also, who cares if your mother thinks you are "frivolous" for wanting pictures. That is way more important than "frivolous" engraved invitations that will be thrown away! If you do not see eye to eye, then just accept it as a difference of opinion and move on. I care a lot about what my mother thinks of me, so I know it''s easier said than done, but it''s just part of becoming your own woman I guess.


Luckily for me, my mother has been 100% awesome with me. She sometimes wistfully comments on how cake and punch was just fine in her day and her veil only costs 75 dollars, but she knows that things are different now!

 

[DietCokeBreak]

That''s the problem-- we can pay for it ourselves and we want to. But she says even if we do, that she would be extremely embarrassed for us to have a wedding in our hometown (where she lives but we don''t) and not do it "the right way." I think there would be much arguing, probably not a lot of speaking. We could pay ourselves and do it our way, but it seems she would be extremely upset/embarrassed by what we want.

I want to be married in the church where I grew up. Unfortunately for her that means inviting a bunch of people whom she believes will judge her if we do something more modern. So if my choice is to pay myself and do it her way, or to let her pay and do it her way... well... she can pay. But if I could convince her some of these things aren''t so bad, I''d pay for them and do them.

My question really is, how do you get a 60 year old woman to step into the modern age on the wedding thing?

 

[Winks_Elf]

OMG she''s only SIXTY????? WTH??? Oh, honey...you need to get a few copies of today''s bridal magazines, and leave them for her to go through. Things have changed!

By any chance is your hometown down south somewhere? She sounds like that crotchety old lady played by Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Oh, and if you pay = you do it YOUR way!!! Do not give in on this or you will regret it the rest of your life!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''ll say it again - get some current etiquette guides and tons of magazines and SHOW HER that this is the way it''s done. There was a forward in the anniversary issue of Brides Magazine that may be helful as well. I remember it talking about how weddings have changed and rules like, "You must have white linens" have gone the way of the do-do bird.


Also, whatever your mother thinks or says about you, spend the money on the photographer if you want. You will regret it if you don''t! Some things don''t matter, like if she wants to pay for engraved invitations, then fine, let her! But don''t let her make you feel bad for spending your money on what you want.

 

[decodelighted]

Extreme embarrassment is HER problem, not yours. Pay for the wedding you want & have the wedding you want. And I offer this & dare you to say it:

"Mom, feelings aren''t facts ... perhaps a good therapist can help you sort out the difference"

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/22/2009 12:43:01 PM
Author: decodelighted
Extreme embarrassment is HER problem, not yours. Pay for the wedding you want & have the wedding you want. And I offer this & dare you to say it:

''Mom, feelings aren''t facts ... perhaps a good therapist can help you sort out the difference''

Deco, I just choked on my soda. Too funny!

 

[panda08]

Yeow. Sorry your mom''s being so difficult. My mom gave me the "oh my god, I''ll be so embarassed if you don''t serve shark fin soup at your weddiing banquet!" b.s. when I told her that I didn''t want it for conservation reasons. Since we''re paying for the wedding, I just told her that our guests will be served whatever we put on the menu. Plus, I told her that she doesn''t get to invite her friends so at least that''ll lessen her shame

I don''t get the "I''ll be so embarassed if you don''t do X" bit. If you can''t put your foot down, pick the things that matter most to you, hold firm on those, and just let the other stuff go. I agree that photos are very important. If she doesn''t want to pay for that, just tell her it was X and pay the difference. Good luck!

 

[Sabine]

If you can afford to pay for your wedding, I say it''s time to tell her, thanks for the offer, but no thanks. And when she tells you she will be embarrassed, say I''m sorry you feel that way, but this is the way we are doing things. And then stop telling her/involving her in what you are doing unless her attitude changes. Good luck, doesn''t sound like a fun situation!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/22/2009 4:41:55 PM
Author: Sabine
If you can afford to pay for your wedding, I say it''s time to tell her, thanks for the offer, but no thanks. And when she tells you she will be embarrassed, say I''m sorry you feel that way, but this is the way we are doing things. And then stop telling her/involving her in what you are doing unless her attitude changes. Good luck, doesn''t sound like a fun situation!

Ditto this! It''s your wedding-pay for it yourself, invite who *you* want, and do whatever *you* want. You''re old enough to not let your mom dictate your every move. My mom has given me a few "suggestions" about my wedding, but I just tell her what I want to do and then I do it. (Nicely, of course.)

Seriously, if you keep letting your mom tell you what to do and actually do it, she''s going to keep telling you what to do and keep expecting you to actually do it! It sounds like it''s time to put your foot down...I bet she''ll get over it soon enough.

 

[Haven]

Hi DCBreak, I''m sorry to hear that you''re going through this.

I wish my mom had been MORE involved in planning my wedding, so I''m afraid I don''t have any solid advice for you.

I do want to say that I''m extremely traditional (when it comes to entertaining and hosting parties only, really) and we had a groom''s cake, wedding programs, and a separate cake in the back. We had a very formal wedding, and I didn''t even think twice about those things. The groom''s cake is a Southern tradition, my own mother had wedding programs at her wedding over 30 years ago (another traditional, formal event,) and our baker refused to do anything BUT have separate cakes in the back because the large cake we wanted "compromised the quality of the entire thing." I can''t say I understand her objection to any of these things.

As for the rest, I can understand where your mom is coming from because it sounds like she envisions a traditional formal wedding for you, which calls for a live band and traditional engraved invitations. HOWEVER, herein lies the issue: This is YOUR wedding, and you should be the one to determine how formal or informal your wedding will be. If you want embellished, thermographed invitations, then by all means you should have them! It sounds like the best way to make this happen is to host your own wedding. If YOU are hosting your wedding, then it doesn''t really matter what anyone else wants, or whether your mother would be embarrassed about certain choices, because she is not hosting the event.

I''d say the other posters gave you great advice when they said to pay for it yourselves. Your mom clearly wants to control the details of this wedding, and if she''s the one hosting the event, she''s going to expect to be able to do so.

Good luck!

 

[lauralu]

I am so sorry to hear that your having issues w/your mother. i do not really know what the answer is if you are wanting to please her.

It looks as if you will have to either do it completely her way to please her at all. Which will not make you happy at all.

I like the idea of looking through bridal magazines w/her and leaving them for her to go thru after you leave as well. Make sure you sticky note pages she should take note to read through entirely.

Good Luck, I feel for you

 

[kstar512]

awww, sorry to hear you aren''t seeing eye to eye with your mom. It is a shame because this should be a really exciting and fun experience for the both of you. It''s funny because I actually called my mom mom-zilla a couple times in the beginning of the planning process. Luckily our disagreements weren''t as major as yours. For christmas one of my mom''s co workers bought her this book http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Bride-Book-Daughter-Wonderful/dp/0806527188/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232946405&sr=8-8 .

FI jokingly said he was going to hug her co worker next time we saw her. It is a cute book that breaks down all the ettiquete not only in general but for the mom as well. It was a nice way of putting my mom in her place when it came to our disagreements. If you open my mom''s copy it is highlighted everywhere it says "THIS IS NOT YOUR WEDDING". The book has actually helped a lot and we are now on the same page on a lot of things.

 

[honey22]

Sheesh, tell you Mum to get a life and rack off. You and your FI should foot the bill yourselves and do exactly what you both want. Your Mum is being selfish and downright rude. Nip this in the bud now before it get''s out of control. This is your wedding, not hers!!!

 

[Kelli]

You poor thing! I would hate to be in your shoes, but you really should get her some brides magazines to look through and ask her to watch some of the wedding shows on WE or the style channel. Hopefully you can get her to come around, but if not, I guess she''ll just have to be embarrassed the whole time at your wedding. If it were me, I''d insist on paying for it myself (as long as that is possbile) and just tell her the way it''s going to be. I''d personally tell her I''m sorry that she FEELS that way, but I would not be apologetic about my wedding preferences.

I haven''t done enough planning yet to know if I''ll have problems with my mom. She''s more the "are you REALLY sure you want an open bar?" type of mom, and I''m SURE there''ll be some arguments, which I surely am NOT looking forward to.