moh rant

[mrs.anthony2be]

I dont know where to begin, but here goes.
My moh is calling me a bridezilla. Already. I honestly dont think im being outrageous at this point, but i will let you guys be the judge. If i need reigned in, feel free to be honest.
So it started before we even got engaged. When fi let slip that he was in the process of buying a ring i HAD to tell someone (i hadnt found liw yet) so i told her, and said i was dying to know what the ring was like, and that i was sooooo excited. Her response "easy bridezilla ". I was hurt. I was just expressing my wxcitement. I dunno. I thought it was kind of a big deal.
When we first started wedding planning we had decided on june 23, 2012 as our date, and pink and white as our colours. Well, i was a brideZilla for making everyone wear pink.
We changed our date to october 15,2011 and found out it was the only saturday the venue we wanted still had availabe for oct, 2011. I kind of freaked because i wasnt 100% sure it was the one, but didnt want to loose the chance, i asked her opinion. You can guess her response.
And now, we bought all our decorations (not hiring a decorater) because all the fall decor is in stores and im assembling and designing every aspect, so this was my last chance to get everything, and have time to put it all together, as if i wait till its back in stores, it will be the month before my wedding. My moh thinks im being outrageous and selfish and general zilla-y for talking about my wedding so far in advance. Really im asking her opinion, as we've been best friends literally since infancy, and her opinion matters.
I changed the colours and theme of my wedding to suit her, and im still terrible?
Also, i am plnning an xmas shopping trip to the states, and want to buy the bridesmaid dresses down there becase it'll be cheaper. I dont feel right choosing a dress without her input, as i want her to like it, but am scared to aproach the subject .
What do i do?
Am i being outrageous? Maybe im blind to my insanity?

 

[trillionaire]

Do yourself a favor and choose a moh who can be happy for you and supportive. No need to torture yourself for the next year! You can keep her on as MOH if she's important to you, but find someone else to plan/shop with, since she's only making you feel insecure and frustrated.

My .02.

 

[KaeKae]

No, I don't think you are being outrageous. Sounds more like your MOH is jealous, and taking every opportunity to cut you down. Is she always like this?

 

[sctsbride09]

I agree with Trill. Also, from what you describe, it sounds like she may be a bit jealous? Regardless, this is supposed to be an exciting time for you, its your wedding. Have it at the venue you want, have the colors you want, the fact that she talked badly about your colors is in very poor taste IMHO. If my BFF was getting married and wanted me to wear pink, (my least favorite color btw) I would wear it PROUDLY for her, and with a huge smile, as my BFF means the world to me. Oh, and you are not too early in planning at all. I will let the brides chime in on this one ( I eloped, so I have no idea what goes into a "wedding"), but Im pretty sure that a year for planning is completely normal. Congratulations, and enjoy your planning, this only comes around once, dont let negative people tarnish your memories.

 

[Autumnovember]

Sounds like you have an MOH who is feeling jealous. I don't think you're being a bridezilla AT ALL. I would talk to her and explain your stance on this. Maybe you should consider someone else for an MOH. I wouldn't be very happy if my MOH was calling me a bridezilla

 

[mrs.anthony2be]

Thanks ladies. I feel like i must be loosing it. She's never been like ths before and its so hard to dismiss because i hold her opinion in such high regard usually. I dont know whats going on. I know shes had a rough year and maybe she feels that im not there because of wedding planning. But really i would be there at the drop of a hat for her, i assume she knows that. I dont know if its jealousy. We're at two completely different points in our lives, shes younger, single, on her own for the first time, which is a pretty exciting stage in life as well. I dont understand, but im qiite hurt and dont know how to get her opinion on a bm dress without soliciting more bridezilla comments.

 

[Autumnovember]

Thanks ladies. I feel like i must be loosing it. She's never been like ths before and its so hard to dismiss because i hold her opinion in such high regard usually. I dont know whats going on. I know shes had a rough year and maybe she feels that im not there because of wedding planning. But really i would be there at the drop of a hat for her, i assume she knows that. I dont know if its jealousy. We're at two completely different points in our lives, shes younger, single, on her own for the first time, which is a pretty exciting stage in life as well. I dont understand, but im qiite hurt and dont know how to get her opinion on a bm dress without soliciting more bridezilla comments.

You need to communicate your feelings with her.

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

I am going through something similar. My sister is MOH, and has already called me a bridezilla twice. Once when I suggested that $200 was not too much to spend on a bridesmaid dress, and the other for chiding her when she was a half hour late to the bridal expo I asked her to attend with me.

It is hurtful to hear these words come from someone who is supposed to love you and be supportive. She has already had me in tears! I am disappointed at my sister's general lack of respect and responsibility (being late for the first MOH thing I ask her to do!) So, I completely understand your situation. I won't "un-make" her my MOH because she is my only sister, but if you are able to make someone else your MOH, I say do it. If not, maybe we can swap horror stories over the next year - I am getting married October 1, 2011! Good luck.

 

[ForteKitty]

I am going through something similar. My sister is MOH, and has already called me a bridezilla twice. Once when I suggested that $200 was not too much to spend on a bridesmaid dress, and the other for chiding her when she was a half hour late to the bridal expo I asked her to attend with me.

It is hurtful to hear these words come from someone who is supposed to love you and be supportive. She has already had me in tears! I am disappointed at my sister's general lack of respect and responsibility (being late for the first MOH thing I ask her to do!)

$200 is kind of a lot for a dress I can't wear again... and half an hour late really isn't that bad. Sometimes things come up and you just can't leave the house on time. If someone chided me for being late and i had a legitimate excuse like traffic, dog ran out and i had to chase him down, or i had to turn back to close a window, i'd be mad. I'm already spending a few hours at an expo, and you can't understand that i had to do something that made me late? Just something to think about from the other person's point of view...

 

[TooPatient]

I agree with Trill. Also, from what you describe, it sounds like she may be a bit jealous? Regardless, this is supposed to be an exciting time for you, its your wedding. Have it at the venue you want, have the colors you want, the fact that she talked badly about your colors is in very poor taste IMHO. If my BFF was getting married and wanted me to wear pink, (my least favorite color btw) I would wear it PROUDLY for her, and with a huge smile, as my BFF means the world to me. Oh, and you are not too early in planning at all. I will let the brides chime in on this one ( I eloped, so I have no idea what goes into a "wedding"), but Im pretty sure that a year for planning is completely normal. Congratulations, and enjoy your planning, this only comes around once, dont let negative people tarnish your memories.

Ditto every word!

Don't let her ruin this. You are only going to have this ONE wedding -- if you want pink then have pink. This is YOUR day (and your FI'S) -- she'll get her turn when she's ready.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Talk to your friend and ask her what she means when she calls you a bridezilla. She could just be throwing out the overly used pop culture word to be funny without realizing that you are sensitive to it. She may just not have any interest in weddings whatsoever. Tell her the word "bridezilla" hurts your feelings (have you ever seen the crazy girls on that show!!!!). Also, sometimes it's not WHAT the bride is talking about, but HOW she is talking about it. If you discuss wedding plans and decisions in a very dramatic or over-the-top sort of way then the high level of anxiety in your voice may have her calling you a bridezilla in a joking way to get you to calm down.

"Hey friend, I'd like to get your opinion on bridesmaid dresses because my priority is for you to like what you're wearing that day, but you've called me a bridezilla and it makes me nervous to bring up wedding stuff. Do you want to have input on this?"

Hopefully this would open up an honest and heartfelt conversation. What you certainly shouldn't do is bring up jealousy, to her or anyone else that knows her. That gets thrown around so much on this board, and all I can say is that nothing makes a bride sound more conceited and self-centered than automatically assuming that non-engaged people are jealous. Sometimes they are, but usually they aren't.

 

[meresal]

By wanting her opinion on dresses, do you mean you are going to ask her to travel to the states with you?

Yes, IMO, THAT would make you a Bridezilla. If you want her to be able to try them on, then I suggest you either buy a couple that you like and bring them back with you for her to try on, OR find a dress in your area that she can see in person.
Unless the bride was paying my way and I had unlimited vacation from my job, I would never travel outside of the country to look at BM dresses.

I had one of my BM's completely bail on me the morning of a bridal show b/c her 27y/o husband had a stomach bug. I would have loved for her to just be 30 minutes late. Did you MOH have a legitimate excuse?

I think you need to be forward with her about her overuse of that lovely word. Maybe if you all put it all out in the open, things would become much better. Like you said, she has never been like this, so I imagine there is something that is bothering her that she would like to talk about as well.

ETA:
If you are just looking for her to give opinions on dresses before you go to the states, then I would tell her something like... "MOH, since dresses in the states are going to be cheaper... would you please give me your opinion on some so that I can get them while I am traveling there?"
(However, I still don't understand how you will know their sizes when you pick them out??)

 

[mrs.anthony2be]

Oh jeez no! She isnt expected to come to the states at all! Im just concerned because she is very picky and has some pretty harsh opinions about some dresses i suggested, so i want her help choosing. And as fr sizes, everyone will be fitted here, same dress same ake, i will just be purchasing elsewere to save everyone some cash which i thought was very unbridezilla.

 

[mrs.anthony2be]

I want that nasty word stricken from her vocabulary lol ay suggest a swear jar type of deal.

 

[ForteKitty]

mrs.A2be, maybe her definition of that word isn't the same as yours. my friend who's getting married next week calls herself a bridezilla whenever she gets an idea and wants us to help out, but she aways says it while laughing. Maybe your friend uses it as a term of endearment?

 

[yssie]

mrs.anthony2be, talk to your MOH - it really does sound like she's either a bit jealous or has a different definition of the word and doesn't realise it's hurtful to you. Nothing you've posted sounds remotely selfish or over-the-top - in fact, it sounds like it's very important to you to involve other people, namely her, and you're planning things in advance to save yourself and your bridesmaids some cash which is really to be applauded It's your wedding, and you're only going to do it once - if you can, defintely have it where you want, in the colours you want, and nobody should judge you for that


If, on the other hand, I was your MOH and you commented to me in seriousness that $200 was not too much for *me* to spend on a dress that I'd only ever wear for *your* wedding, or 'chided' me for being late to something if I had a legitimate reason for the delay, or planned to share these 'horror stories' about me with another bride after the wedding, then I'd most likely second the epithet.

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

I am going through something similar. My sister is MOH, and has already called me a bridezilla twice. Once when I suggested that $200 was not too much to spend on a bridesmaid dress, and the other for chiding her when she was a half hour late to the bridal expo I asked her to attend with me.

It is hurtful to hear these words come from someone who is supposed to love you and be supportive. She has already had me in tears! I am disappointed at my sister's general lack of respect and responsibility (being late for the first MOH thing I ask her to do!)

$200 is kind of a lot for a dress I can't wear again... and half an hour late really isn't that bad. Sometimes things come up and you just can't leave the house on time. If someone chided me for being late and i had a legitimate excuse like traffic, dog ran out and i had to chase him down, or i had to turn back to close a window, i'd be mad. I'm already spending a few hours at an expo, and you can't understand that i had to do something that made me late? Just something to think about from the other person's point of view...

I just wanted to respond to this. The dress I was looking at for my girls was a cocktail dress that they could wear again, not your traditional bridesmaid dress, and the price included an estimate for alterations. Also, the reason my sister was late was not legitimate, IMO. I see your point about things coming up, but that wasn't the case. She was late because she was at a college football game the day before and drank too much, even though she knew we had this planned for two months. So, she didn't get up early enough to be on time. She was so hungover, she showed up in the same clothes she wore the day before to the game, not showered. I planned on taking us all out for lunch (her, my mom, and my best friend) so we could talk about ideas we got from the expo, but she was too tired and bailed on that part of the day so she could go home and sleep it off.

 

[that_someone_special]

No, I don't think you are being outrageous. Sounds more like your MOH is jealous, and taking every opportunity to cut you down. Is she always like this?

Sounds like this to me too.

I think people that attend weddings (that haven't put on a wedding before) don't understand that weddings DO NOT come together overnight. It takes a lot of time and over that time YAH, you gotta talk about wedding stuff- at the very least to your MOH!! She is not being a maid of honor. She is being a Maidzilla. I am certain that it's a real thing. One of my maids has it.

 

[kelpie]

Maybe she is just not that into wedding stuff. I felt like my MOH was more into my wedding than I was and it honestly was psyching me out (as in the whole event, not the marriage which I am clearly excited about). Just keep your wedding planning to friends who are genuinely excited about that kind of thing even if you aren't as close to them. It doesn't mean she can't be your besty or your MOH. For the most part my girls just picked a navy blue dress of their choosing and showed up, I didn't even know what they were wearing other than that. Their role didn't mean they were involved in every detail just the parts they were into like dress shopping.

 

[Amys Bling]

I am going through something similar. My sister is MOH, and has already called me a bridezilla twice. Once when I suggested that $200 was not too much to spend on a bridesmaid dress, and the other for chiding her when she was a half hour late to the bridal expo I asked her to attend with me.

It is hurtful to hear these words come from someone who is supposed to love you and be supportive. She has already had me in tears! I am disappointed at my sister's general lack of respect and responsibility (being late for the first MOH thing I ask her to do!)

$200 is kind of a lot for a dress I can't wear again... and half an hour late really isn't that bad. Sometimes things come up and you just can't leave the house on time. If someone chided me for being late and i had a legitimate excuse like traffic, dog ran out and i had to chase him down, or i had to turn back to close a window, i'd be mad. I'm already spending a few hours at an expo, and you can't understand that i had to do something that made me late? Just something to think about from the other person's point of view...

I guess the $200 is a matter of opinion as to whether it is expensive or not. Living in the NYC metro area, bridesmaid dresses are typicaly 150-200 on average. I agree for something you will wear once it is expensive- BUT I let the bridesmaids decide and agree on a dress as long as it was a black cocktail lenght... so really they kinda picked the dress and price they were happy with....

Point is, communication! Communicate how you feel- if you want pick dresses.... or brown, whatever it is, maybe the compromise is that you show the options of the different shades of pink, or styles and price ranges and let them feel as if they have some sort of a say... Also- when you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you know what you are getting into:

wearing and buying a dress you might hate... spending money on hair, makeup, dress, shoes.... helping with planning and projects for the 9months-1 year before the wedding, etc. THat is what being a MOH or BM is about! Sorry that your MOH doesn't see that and how important everything is to you!

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

Thanks, Amy, for your understanding and "relating" to my situation. When I was MOH for my best friend, I took all the "usual" responsibilities with seriousness and did my absolute best to fulfill them. I guess not all MOH's feel the same level of responsibility, however, and I will likely have to lower my expectations of my sister in order for us all to be happy.