MOH issue

[nytemist]

It figures- things have been going along ok. I was up because we may have foind a very affordable photographer. Now I''m really irritated at my MOH.

She''s one of my best freinds. But boy, does she ever have the worst Gemini trait- being extremely scatterbrained and sometimes self-absorbed. She has been the type to whine ocassionally about "not having anyone". I get that. Whne I told her that the proposal was coming soon, she got downright distant, asking me not to ''rub her face in that fact she''s single''. Which I never have done to anyone! Then she morphed into being thrilled for us and jumped for joy when i asked her to be my MOH.

She had a great time with the rest of us trying on dresses that day at David''s in March and she decide which style she liked and then... nothing else.

I finally got a hold of her 3 WEEKS AGO, prodding since it takes about 11-14 weeks to order and when did she think she might do so???? She launches into a whole thing about how she is kind of short on money right now and promises to do it soon. No one needs to tell me how short money is right now- we''re paying for the wedding ourselves! Yet she is saving money for her vaca to L.A in August, talking about buying her car (been talking about that since last year) and her trip to Ireland NEXT YEAR. Plus another new phone and another new iPod. I''m not trying to be a bitch or a bridezilla, but she works two jobs: front desk for a hotel ($15ph) and teacher''s assistant ($12ph) She can plan for the vacas, buy new toys, but can''t do the $159 for a dress that even she said was a good price?
Not to mention the other MOH duties- planning a bachelorette party, helping me take care of some details, researching shoes, photographers and all that? Nothing. So I said then that I wanted her to come with me for the first rough dress fitting, also for the added help since the woman who co-runs the shop doesn''t speak English very well, MOH could translate. This was supposed to take place Saturday. She calls me last second Thursday saying she could go because of some other last-second plans, but she will be off Tuesaday and Thursday of this week. I didn''t end up going to the salon (bad weather and all) but left her a message saying along the lines of "ok, you''re off Tueasday, you can come with me then". Haven''t heard from her.

I''m really tempted to point blank ask if she can''t do. Or doesn''t want to anymore. I realize it''s not like years and years ago, when you really needed handmaids to get married, but come on- at least be a little bit involved? My other two BM''s have been great- one who is the master decorator, made my bouquet art pieces, helping me with centerpieces, had some material i can make my veil from andmore. My other BM is so happy just to be involved, she''s doing what she can, which isn''t much. It''s ok since she''s in her last trimester of pregnancy.

If I say ''maybe you shouldn''t do this...'' it could get nasty. If I replace her, it could be worse. What do i do?

 

[FireGoddess]

Regardless of how I''d be feeling on the inside (screaming mad) I''d probably go the opposite route and just say, "I''ve been getting this vibe from you that you''re not happy about being part of the wedding party - am I misinterpreting things, or not? It has seemed to me that you haven''t wanted to do xyz, haven''t ordered the dress, etc and I''m just wondering if you don''t want to do this anymore?" Something along those lines, and let her talk her feelings out. This gives her an opportunity to back out and save face without a big confrontation, etc. Cuz if she stays after that, she better be a proper MOH and do the duties and be happy for you. That''s what it''s about, or you don''t do it!

 

[selflove]

I feel for ya.

That would make me mental to have a friend say she couldn''t afford something she committed to and then talk about all her other expenditures. I agree, she''s being a crappy MOH. It doesn''t sound like talking to her will be very helpful, since she''s not even returning phone calls.

That said, maybe you should change your expectations of her, if you decide to keep her for your MOH. Our weddings are not our MOH''s top priorities, let''s face it. And maybe adjusting expectations is the best way to deal.

One of my BMs complained endlessly about the dress that she helped pick out, which was so annoying. I just complained about it and let it go. My MOH was in another state and couldn''t help with anything (and she just had a baby). She didn''t really even give me a shower (my mom did and I helped her more than my MOH helped her, although MOH did help a little). But it didn''t bother me b/c I never expected her to be able to do a lot, due to the new baby and to lack of funds (as a result of the new baby which she was raising alone).

But it really does suck that you can''t have a better MOH.

I''m sorry.

 

[Rebemdee]

My MOH couldn''t help during the wedding planning and didn''t help with a bridal shower because she was in another state, and I paid for her plane flight so she could be at the showers my family and friends did have for me. Why? Because she''s my emotional rock. She came down a few days before the wedding and kept me sane during the last minute craziness, and I couldn''t have survived the wonderful but weird stress of the showers and pre-wedding time without her. That to me is what a MOH does; not showers, not fittings, not necessarily being there physically, but more of the emotional support and guidance. Now, if that means being with you to help translate so you aren''t disappointed and upset by your dress or the process, then that''s what she should be doing. For me, the MOH was the person who always has my back, and honoring her for doing it for so many years (we met when we were six years old, although we didn''t like each other until high school).

Stop and ask yourself:

If I needed somebody to help me calm down, chill out, and I could hear her saying that and not take it as criticism, who would it be? If that''s not your MOH, maybe you can reconsider if she is really the best person for the job.

If she isn''t the best person for it, I''m sure you can find a face saving nice way of letting her go, as has been previously mentioned.

I hope you can find some peace with this...it shouldn''t be what you stress about.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it might be tough since you are getting married and she is single. I would put it on her, as suggested earlier. "It seems like you are having trouble getting this all together, are you not interested in being my MOH?" Let HER have to say it. See where it goes from there.

People do what they want. Clearly she has the money to spend for what she wants. I mean, clearly the actual money is not the issue, it is where it is being spent. She needs to get it together in time or there will be issues. I wonder if you offered to help with the cost of the dress, (to remove the notion that she does not have the money for it) would she still be acting the same way?

I agree when you get married, it is never as important to others as it is to us. Stinky but true...so I guess you have to ask her pretty plainly where she stands so you do not need to feel aggravated any more than necessary...good luck

 

[ocbride2007]

It''s not a bad idea, as others have suggested, to just ask her if this is something she is really willing to do. It will save you the headache of wondering what''s going on and depending on her, and will save her any hidden resentment for going through with something she doesn''t want to do anymore. Maybe her feelings have changed, or maybe she''s the type who''s feelings change so much she just never feels the same thing consistently. Either way you should have a heart to heart with her and let her know that she needs to make a decision, at least regarding the dress. I wouldn''t focus too much on her "maid of honor duties" when you talk to her, because it may seem like too much of a chore. Just tell her that you would like her to be there, that''s why you asked her in the first place, but if she''s not willing to order the dress maybe she doesn''t really want to be in it. As far as needing her for the fitting, tell her how much you value her input and would like her to be there as a friend, regardless of whether or not she was going to be your MOH. It seems like a delicate, frustrating situation on top of all the other frustrating situations you''ve had (glad to hear you found your photographer though).

Good luck with talking to her, don''t leave it hanging until it''s too late to order the dress!!

 

[nytemist]

Ok- I''m a bit more calm.

I didn''t mean to make it sound like my only big concern was her not planning anything, that''s the least of it. It is the emotional void I''m feeling. Her ears must have been burning because she called me about half hour after I posted. We are SUPPOSED to get together after work today. It was a brief call, but she told me she''s ''been busy with a few things and lost track of how quick the weeks have gone by...'' You''re telling me???

She is capable of focusing and being a go-to person. During the the times last year when fiance and I were doing battle, she was the one who kept me from losing my mind, made me laugh, took me out for retail therapy, talked me out of considering breaking up. It''s not really 100% the money, but sort of is- does that make sense? Maybe I think it''s just her priorities are out of whack? Then it ties into what diamondfan said- the wedding not being as important to her as it is to me. I don''t need to be the focal point of everyone''s world, but to me, if you say you would be happy to help, do so. If not have the guts to tell me otherwise. If you are direct with me, fine, even if I don''t like it. If you are passive-aggressive towards me, I go nuts. I''m kind of surprised, maybe upset is a better word, becasue she has never thrown down the "I hate being single" card so much before. I should be more understanding maybe-she is from a Latin family and her mom, aunts, cousins, grandmother... all keep asking her why is she single, when will she find someone, what is she dong wrong and being in my wedding I guess has triggered it even more. Last year her sister got marrried and they were brutal.

I know we all have our issues about something, but do you really dump them on a friend when it''s supposed to be a happy time? It will be interesting to see which twin personality shows up tonight.

 

[FireGoddess]

Just so ya know....all us twin personalities (Gemini) ain''t so bad.

Depends on which 2 you get.

I hope it goes well tonight...!!

 

[diamondfan]

I think you are right about people making a promise and sticking to things. And, since things come up in life, if you find suddenly you cannot be of help or do what you said you would, better to be up front and not just let things slide...brides tend not to like that, nor do most other people who were counting on help, whatever that help entailed. Good luck and do not feel bad about stating the obvious in a nice manner, and see what she has to say once you have asked her directly...

 

[nytemist]

Hehehe... yes FG, I know. There are some Gemini''s I know that are more like a Taurus!

So, the better twin just called and did a total 180. Her words: "I''m really looking forward to going to the fitting tonight. You must be so excited. Where can I pick you up? Do you want to go for drinks afterwards..." My head is spinning.

I want just want her to stay in a decent mood. The back and forth will be more stress than any planning could ever be. My pregnant BM emailed me joking she though SHE was supposed to be emotional rollercoaster one!

I need a drink.

 

[FireGoddess]

I wish you could just rely on her to be the better twin 99% of the time when it comes to being your MOH. I hope she can keep it up, for everyone''s sake. I think you''ve earned a drink.

 

[nytemist]

So,

Got to try on the basic construction of my dress Tuesday evening. It looks like it''s going to be fabulous.

Sorry I''ve no pics, probably won''t take any until the final fitting.

MOH was in good spirits when we met at the subway station and walked to the shop. She was apologize for being MIA and that she hasn''t contributed anything financially, blah, blah, blah. I''m thinking, ok, things are hopefully looking up. She was oooohing and ahhhhing when they pinned the rough cut material on me to show how the style would fall. I''m feeling pretty good by now.

Then we go to dinner. She hasn''t really been around, so she offers to pay for dinner. She asks to see my bride book, to look at al the details that need to be dealt with and what she will have to help me with. Then she does a drastic shift- speaking calmly she goes into detail about how it may be a stretch for her to help as much as he ought to. Then she asks me if I mind not talking about the plans too much around her, since it reminds her of how alone she is.

What???

I couldn''t stop the words from coming out of my mouth and I said "do you know how crazy that sounds? You''re IN THE WEDDING!"

She says "yeah, I kow but I''m thinking about how much I''m going to feel about the day. How I will walk down the aisle, looking at all the guests who are there with a partner and how I won''t have anyone to dance with since it''s pretty much all couples and people will look at me and feel sorry for me, or wonder what''s wrong with me..." She kept going on about all the reasons it will be such a downer day for her. I was so in awe of how she tried to make this day about her. I really wanted to smack her in the forehead with my glass.

I fianlly asked her "who said this day would be about you? Do you realize there is a wedding taking place? {name}, if you really don''t feel you can be happy and support me, maybe you shouldn''t be in the wedding if it upsets you so much. Right now, you have no idea how much you are p*ssing me off. Telling me I should tone down my happiness and not be excited about my own wedding? Do you hear yourself?"

She says "no, I am happy for you. I''ve called and ordered the dress. I''m just aksing to not be singled out for being there alone."

I said "why would I do that?" She answered by shrugging her shoulders.

The rest of dinner was almost in silence, afterwards I thanked her and walked to the subway alone. I think I''ll just leave her out of the planning and tell her when and where to show up the Monday before the wedding.

 

[selflove]

Aw, I''m sorry she''s such a crummy MOH and friend.

Sounds like you should just not count on her for anything, if you want to keep your sanity. She''s really immature and self-absorbed.

 

[FireGoddess]

Well amen sister and kudos to you for speaking your mind. I think you were right to do so and honestly, she needed to hear ALL of that. It ISN''T all about her - it isn''t about her at ALL - how can she possibly think anyone''s going to give a lick whether she''s there alone or NOT?!?!?! That''s laughable. Everybody''s going to be looking at you and the groom! It''s your day.

You were also right to give her an ''out'' - interesting that she did not take it. You would be wise to just tell her where to show up, what flowers to carry, and where to stand. And then forget about it. She seriously owes you an apology. If she can''t handle it, she shouldn''t do it. And you gave her a way out of the commitment, which she did not take. I can''t figure out why not.