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Miscarriages, fertility, and trying to conceive

MRBXXXFVVS1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
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1,450
It's been a difficult year for me to say the least. DH and I have been trying to conceive and had 2 miscarriages this past year.

I don't think DH has been as affected emotionally by these events as I have. I shared my experiences with a few close friends, but haven't felt comfortable talking about it more openly. It seems most of my friends are pregnant or recently gave birth. My social media is flooded with baby and family photos, and while I'm happy for my friends, it's a constant reminder of what everyone has and what I can't have. In normal times, I'd delete my social media profiles, but I feel it's the only connection I have to the outside world these days.

We will start the IVF process if we can't conceive again on our own soon. If any of you have been through miscarriages and fertility challenges, I would appreciate any encouragement and advice you have on how to stay positive. It's been extremely difficult and isolating, as COVID has amplified these emotions, since I am not able to keep busy with activities and spend time with family and friends.
 
I don’t have anything except a big hug through the computer screen and to say to you to have faith.

Not too long ago, a patient of mine shared her story after I found out she has a daughter going to high school while she is currently in her sixties. She shared with me that for a long time, she was not able to conceive. The two went through everything in the medical book only to find themselves without a child. So she made peace with it. 20 years later, she had severe abdominal pain and went to her doctor. After examining her, he ask her and her husband to look on the screen while holding an ultrasound. Behold, they saw a little quivering beating of her daughter’s heart. So I guess what I’m trying to share with you is to have faith that your journey will be great no matter what. And if you are a person of faith, then it will be as great as God intend it to be. Hugs.
 
Sending hugs, lots of hugs.
I had just the one, against the odds (I had many contrary medical issues) at age 40. I was in early peri menopause so the chances of becoming pregnant were less than slim.
It was a very fraught pregnancy. I had an early bleed at 9 weeks so had CVS testing which indicated mosiacism which is incompatible with reaching a full term pregnancy. I then had to wait until 16 weeks to have an amniocentesis if I didn’t miscarry beforehand. False positive thank goodness. Then I had a fall and injured by knee badly and needed surgery in my 3rd trimester. Then she came 5 weeks early and I had a very rare type of eclampsia (after delivery). Despite all the difficulties and for an “old egg” I did pretty well, she’s a STEM student with much potential.
As difficult and frustrating and saddening as it is, just breathe. Eat well, sleep well, get enough exercise and don’t try “too hard”.
Im not giving medical advice, but we’re you given any possible reasons for your miscarriage? Did you have a D & C procedure afterwards to ensure your cervix was clear? Have you had full blood panels done? I have a few auto immune issues and unbeknownst to me, also untreated hypothyroidism. There can be reasons and also no reasons for miscarriage and difficulty in falling pregnant.
It’s absolutely devastating to miscarry, it’s barely talked about but many women endure such deep and private loss. It’s also very hard to be not be disheartended when each month after hoping, no positive on the tester.
Breathe, be kind to yourself. Yes, there are many options still available to you ahead and even at 40 you aren’t too old!
PS it was a bit saddening for me to find out afterwards that I had in fact been carrying twins and suffered an early loss of one. That was why my early CVS showed 2 sets of DNA suggesting moisiacism.
 
So sorry you are struggling with this.

We had one. Years ago, family member had seven or eight (!) before three successful pregnancies in a row. (I was the third.)
 
Big hugs to you and your DH @MRBXXXFVVS1 infertility and having difficulty conceiving is such a awful, emotional and at times a very lonely journey ; something I have gone through first hand.
We all deal with these feelings differently and although it may seem that your DH hasn’t been affected as much, he may be processing his own way. I know my DH felt helpless, even with medical intervention, IVF didn’t work for us. He was very supportive of me emotionally, but dealing with the losses and miscarriages was equally hard for him. He had no one to really talk to and as men, they are expected to be the tough ones. So my advice is to make sure you talk to each other and keep communication open and honest. He may be hurting, but may not feel like he can show it.

I kept a journal and wrote down my thoughts and feelings; it helps if you have someone to talk to, other than your DH. Is there a support group in your area? I felt so alone, like you mentioned all my friends were having children and some having their second or third and we weren’t any closer to having our first. It does help to talk to others that are in the same position.

If you prefer to chat off line, I can set up a LT account with my contact details.

It’s important to be gentle on yourself, self care is very important as I found it very overwhelming at times and it was all I could focus on, trying to reduce stress in other parts of your life helps.
Take care and I have my fingers crossed that you will be blessed with a little one very soon XX
 
You have been pregnant, without any assistance, which is good news! It is devastating having a miscarriage, I know from personal experience, my sister and I both had one. I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years when it happened, so although that one “wasn’t meant to be” it did give me hope. I was pretty stressed about the whole thing as I was 35 and feeling like I was running out of time. Please try to relax, that’s probably the best thing you can do. Give it some time. Be kind to yourself.

(We got there in the end, 2 boys).
 
I had 2 miscarriages before I had my 2 girls naturally. It took over a year to successfully get pregnant. It seems that miscarriages are very common, but people don't talk about it. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you.

In my case I have PCOS and irregular periods, and insulin resistance and started taking Metformin for it. I lost 10kg in 3 months without trying and got pregnant soon after that. I had also quit my job and moved from a big city to the countryside.

I had loads of issues during pregnancy, like gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, something wrong with my placenta that meant she wasn't growing and was very small. In the end I had a C-section at 35 weeks. She was 4lbs and skin and bones. She's 4 now and still teeny, but she's so smart and cute. We're looking into growth hormone for her because her younger sister is starting to overtake her in size.

Her sister was 5lbs and born at 38 weeks (another c-section) and I had less issues with that pregnancy.

I often say that without medical intervention I would have not had any children. My body is just not designed for it. I nearly died from pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was ridiculously high.

I think in my case the weight loss and reduced stress really helped.

Good luck!
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is a very challenging thing. I hope you know you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
 
I don't have any helpful knowledge regarding this subject.
I just offer some virtual hugs to you two.
 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and yes, it always seems that everyone else is pregnant and having babies, which makes you feel even worse. It’s hard being happy for other people, when inwardly your heart is breaking and you want it to be you.

We had given up hope of conceiving naturally, so booked a holiday to Hawaii. Shortly after, I discovered I was pregnant, but we didn’t let ourselves get too excited because we weren’t sure it’d be successful. We went to Hawaii, I was violently ill all the way there and for a few days after, but everything was OK.

After we had DS, I didn’t have another successful pregnancy, and considered IVF, but ultimately decided against it.

My best friend from school, tried for many, many years, and they’d accepted it wasn’t going to happen for them. At 44 she discovered she was pregnant, decided against having any tests, and had a beautiful, healthy girl.

I did have lots of tests, which were ultimately inconclusive, and I was told that often miscarriages are simply because the cells fail to divide correctly, or the sperm quality isn’t the best, it’s no ones fault, it’s all just bad luck, which doesn’t help when you’re going through it.
 
I've had 2 miscarriages myself. I was pregnant the first month we tried, but I ended up with a very complicated miscarriage that ended with a D&C. Similar to you, it seemed like everyone I knew was having or recently had a baby. Luckily I got pregnant again within a month of the D&C. My 2nd pregnancy was uncomplicated until I went into labor and baby had late heart rate decelerations. When she was born she had a true knot in her umbilical cord. The doctor who delivered her said they see mostly stillbirths with true knots. I feel so blessedly that she is a perfectly healthy toddler. When my daughter weaned, we weren't careful enough and I was pregnant again. It didn't last though and I miscarried by 6 weeks. I'm past peak child bearing age, so I'm searching my soul if I want another as I know it may not be easy.
 
Our journey to become parents was a long one.
We were married quite young at 23 and decided to have a few years as a couple before trying to have children. I’d always thought by 30 I would have two kids, that was always the plan. Funny how life throws you a curve ball when you least expect it.
We started trying when I was 28, little did we know that it would be another 14 years before we would be first time parents.

We never fell pregnant naturally, after an early diagnosis of premature menopause, we had to turn to IVF to realize our dream. My beautiful sister was my egg donor and although I fell pregnant 3 times, I miscarried all the pregnancies. All were heartbreaking but particularly the last as I found out I was carrying twins. It was such a dark and sad period in my life I sometimes wonder how we got through it. I discovered that I was stronger than I thought and it brought my husband and I closer together.

We decided that enough was enough, when we went through the last IVF cycle we both made the decision that it was going to be our final one, no matter what the outcome and we would investigate adoption to create our family. I’m so happy we did! We now have two beautiful children that we adore.
I knew and felt deep in my heart that I would be a mother, even though it took us 19 years to become a family of 4!
I feel utterly blessed and count my lucky stars we found each other.
 
I am so sorry @MRBXXXFVVS1 :(

I can only imagine how traumatic the experience is.:cry:
I have a very close friend who suffered with miscarriages and there really are no words.

Sending you gentle hugs and all the best wishes.
 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I lost two pregnancies between my first and second children.
My miscarriages were completely different, one being a very long and drawn out experience with more ultrasounds than I had during my first full term pregnancy, then needed a d&c after two rounds of medication. The second was quick and complete.

I’m not sure any advice I could give would be helpful. I know mine slipped from grief to depression and I felt lost trying to figure out what to do.
Ultimately, progesterone was prescribed and I was able to carry my son to full term. Prayers you find yourself with a happy ending, whether it’s with a child or contentment otherwise ❤️

I was pretty open about my miscarriages, especially with my friends. It was often awkward because no one knows what to say and honestly I don’t think there is anything that can be said that helps other than, “I’m sorry and I love you.” One friend seemed better with those conversations than others and I leaned on her when everything felt dark or hopeless. I hope you find someone who can be that person for you, too ❤️

(I do want to add that if you feel better keeping it close, don’t feel pressured to share. There is no right or wrong way to process this situation.)
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so remarkably unfair.
My sister in law had difficulties getting pregnant and a few miscarriages. I know it was devastating for her. After 12 years of trying she became pregnant with twins following IVF. She delivered 2 healthy babies who are now 10 years old.
 
Thank you for all the love, hugs, support, and for sharing your stories. It's been incredibly helpful, as I haven't really felt able to tell anyone about it. It means the world to me.

We've run all the tests and the causes for both miscarriages were fetal genetic abnormalities. This is a positive thing, as that means hopefully it was just bad luck vs. another issue. Hopefully we can get pregnant again on our own soon with a healthy baby. I would rather conceive naturally, but there is some comfort in knowing there is genetic testing available for IVF.
 
I'm so very sorry you are going through this. When my husband and I decided to get pregnant with our first two sons, it was only a matter of saying the word (plus a little more) and I was pregnant. It was THAT easy. Fast forward a few years later and I was surprised to find myself pregnant again, but had a miscarriage. Then, a couple of years later when we wanted to have one more child I quickly became pregnant again (on the first try). I had a miscarriage. Then, a few months later we were ready to try again....another miscarriage. Two within five months....THAT will really work on your mental state. A friend who worked in my office building told me to go to the doctor who helped her get pregnant (all she needed was a dose of baby aspirin for antibodies and has a grown daughter now). I went to him and he did laparoscopic procedure on me to remove a few fibroid tumors, which he didn't know if they were the problem or not. After my post-op checkup he told us to try again and when I found out I was pregnant to let him know. Sure enough, a few weeks later I was in his office again...with a positive pregnancy test. He was checking me and asked me if we "stopped on the way back to Mississippi?" My response: "What do you mean? We didn't have to stop!" LOL!! They did my blood work which showed my progesterone to be a little low so I went to a compounding pharmacy and took progesterone for five months. Today, almost 25 years later we have that child, a son, who we tried so hard to get here. If it had not been for Dr. Janos Voros I don't think it would have happened. He told me that we would never know exactly what the problem was, but he was the one doctor who listened to me and he specializes in infertility. Who knew, after two successful pregnancies, I would need him? If we had not moved to that small town and I had not met that office friend, our youngest child might not be here today.

Even though I don't know you personally, I have some idea of what you're going through. It is my fervent prayer that you pop up here one day with an ultrasound photo of the happiness you're about to bring to this world. I wish you all the best.
 
I don't have any advice, but I do have lots of hugs. ((hugs))
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had infertility issues as well, so I understand how emotionally devastating it is. I also had a miscarriage late in life. I'm sending you virtual hugs and lots of support. You will get through this.
 

@MRBXXXFVVS1 ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))). I don't have any good advice, but 3 of my closest friends struggled with fertility and it was hard for them to be around our friend group, who were all having babies around the same time. Happy to report that all of them became parents in the end. One couple conceived after trying for 4 years, and just when they decided to give up, and give it to God, they got pregnant. They now have 2 boys. The second couple went through IVF and after 10 years of marriage, became parents to boy and girl twins! Last couple of friends decided to embark on the adoption journey after 5+ years of trying to conceive, and they now have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. It is okay to take a break from your friend group, especially on social media, but do share your feelings with a couple close family members or best friends to help you cope, and if you just want to vent, we are here for you <3<3<3!​

 
@MRBXXXFVVS1 Sending hugs for all you're dealing with. I met my husband at the ripe old age of 39, and we started trying to get pregnant within months, since we both knew pretty immediately that "Yup, he's/she's the one". Given my history of fibroids, I decided to consult fertility specialists early on. Well, 4 years later, I have never been so lucky as to actually conceive. I have super low ovarian reserve, and due to multiple complications have never gotten to egg retrieval. Our best shot last year was interrupted two days before retrieval, when I came down with COVID. Tens of thousands of dollars of injectables wasted on multiple cycles, and absolutely nothing to show for it. I have made peace with us not having a kid, though my husband definitely struggles with it more. If I can give you any advice, please go have genetic testing done with your husband sooner rather than later. There may be a genetic issue causing the miscarriages. Find people you can talk freely with. This is an incredible emotional burden, and being able to vent about your struggles is so important. Most IVF practices have group therapy sessions, or even one-on-one sessions, if you don't think you can talk to friends or family about this. And most importantly, find a way to relax. In normal times, I would say go for a vacation! Now, try meditating, make sure you're practicing good self-care, and that you're getting enough sleep. Just be kind to yourself.
 
Thank you for all the love, hugs, support, and for sharing your stories. It's been incredibly helpful, as I haven't really felt able to tell anyone about it. It means the world to me.

We've run all the tests and the causes for both miscarriages were fetal genetic abnormalities. This is a positive thing, as that means hopefully it was just bad luck vs. another issue. Hopefully we can get pregnant again on our own soon with a healthy baby. I would rather conceive naturally, but there is some comfort in knowing there is genetic testing available for IVF.

First off: I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've had a couple of very close friends go through this over the years and every situation is different and heartbreaking.

I'm sending gentle hugs!

All my friends have pursued completely different routes : one couple just kept trying, the others went on a hormonal treatment, others had over 15 (!) IVF treatments, others adopted, others stopped trying and decided to be child free.

I am very very grateful that all of them have wonderful and fulfilled lives today and that we were able to keep our friendships. Through the years and different situations. I have 6 kids and I am full well aware that it was hard for them to have my pregnancies announced to them.
I tried to be as empathetic as possible and with one good friend we needed more space for a while but are still friends today.


Your post above reminds me of my good friend: three miscarriages due to fetal genetic abnormalities.

They concentrated mainly on the genetic side of things and so their doctors (world renowned hospital in NY ) looked at her fallopian tubes really late. Apparently there was a blockage that wasn't easily detectable and so the sheer frequency of falling pregnant was significantly lowered.

Maybe something to keep in mind. It was an easy standard procedure to have them cleared.
 
@MRBXXXFVVS1 Sending hugs for all you're dealing with. I met my husband at the ripe old age of 39, and we started trying to get pregnant within months, since we both knew pretty immediately that "Yup, he's/she's the one". Given my history of fibroids, I decided to consult fertility specialists early on. Well, 4 years later, I have never been so lucky as to actually conceive. I have super low ovarian reserve, and due to multiple complications have never gotten to egg retrieval. Our best shot last year was interrupted two days before retrieval, when I came down with COVID. Tens of thousands of dollars of injectables wasted on multiple cycles, and absolutely nothing to show for it. I have made peace with us not having a kid, though my husband definitely struggles with it more. If I can give you any advice, please go have genetic testing done with your husband sooner rather than later. There may be a genetic issue causing the miscarriages. Find people you can talk freely with. This is an incredible emotional burden, and being able to vent about your struggles is so important. Most IVF practices have group therapy sessions, or even one-on-one sessions, if you don't think you can talk to friends or family about this. And most importantly, find a way to relax. In normal times, I would say go for a vacation! Now, try meditating, make sure you're practicing good self-care, and that you're getting enough sleep. Just be kind to yourself.

@lala646 I'm so sorry to hear that you got COVID days before your egg retrieval. Sending a big virtual hug. Glad to hear that you've made peace with everything, but if I may ask, would you consider trying IVF again if DH still wants a kid?

Since I'm in my late 30s, I proactively ran all of the tests (blood, semen, genetic, ultrasound, etc.) and thankfully everything is normal. I'm hoping we can get get pregnant naturally or have success with IVF. I'm very fortunate that I have a great therapist that I've been working with weekly on this. Thanks for the reminders to continue practicing mindfulness, health eating, exercise, quality sleep, and self care. I find it most challenging when friends share pregnancy announcements, especially if it was an "accident" or "easy" to get pregnant.
 
Sending prayers and strength your way. We lost a baby at 19wk 3d whilst we were overseas on a holiday. That was devastating however one year and one week to the day later our first daughter arrived after having a cerclage put in at 13wks gestation.

Our second child was a fertility drug conception whilst our third child was conceived after we lost a baby at 8wks. Both number 2 and 3 were also delivered after having a cerclage put in.

Conception and fertility are mysteries - sure everyone knows the basics but until you are actually trying to conceive you will never really know what your journey will be.

In our case, we were the last of our friends to get married and start having children so I was fortunate to not go through the sadness of seeing babies arrive whilst we lost our two.
 
Fertility is a weird and random thing! I have a pal who has PCOS who struggled to get pregnant, then eventually had IVF and a healthy baby girl. After she was born, the pal had sex once (yes, once) and got pregnant again! She was astonished and ended up with 2 kids very close together. I tried for 3 years in total with my first, then one month with the second. How to explain? No idea.
 
@MRBXXXFVVS1 I've actually just started seeing a new IVF doc. I switched to my husband's insurance at the beginning of the year, because he's a NYC employee and their insurance will now pay for 3 rounds of IVF. I'm so thankful for that option, as years of fruitless treatment has been expensive, but wish it had been available even just a few years ago! DH wants us to look at egg donation or adoption, but I don't think my heart is in it. I'm more of a "what will be will be" type, and he's a "make it happen" type.

I definitely understand the pain of celebrating the successes of those around you while struggling with your own situation. I've had a number of friends get pregnant in the years we've been trying, many of them by accident/without trying, and it's hard sometimes to be happy for them while feeling like the bus keeps skipping your stop. One friend in particular had gone through multiple IVF cycles, even selling the boat they had renovated by hand to pay for the last round, and when she managed to finally conceive called me first before posting on FB, because she was worried about my feelings. Man, that made me cry some ugly happy tears. Of course I was happy for her! But she had been in my shoes too, and knew how hard it could be to hear about others' success, and I was really touched by her thoughtfulness at a time when she deserved to do nothing but celebrate.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this, sending mental hugs. I've had a few miscarriages myself and it's no picnic. Now I'm mid 30's and divorced so have made peace with the idea I'll probably never be a mum and that's totally ok. I felt it was the best way to move past the sadness and allow me to move on in my single life.

As someone with plenty of friends who've been through the IVF journey I encourage you to try not to let it become "all consuming" if that makes sense? It's tough on your body & your mind and also your marriage. Fingers crossed for you both. :pray:
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs to you!
 
So sorry to hear of your struggle on the road to children. Sounds like you're on top of the allopathic routes. I feel like stress might have a component in the struggle, are you into meditation and acupuncture at all?
 
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. It’s tough and heartbreaking. I can kind of relate. My husband and I started trying Jan 2020 with no luck. Meanwhile two of my friends had/ have surprise pregnancies. My SIL is due in June with her third. I stress deep cleaned my house recently, took a mental day off from work, and will probably sad buy myself a waffle maker. But part of this stress is from taking some grandma duties from my mom who is completely overwhelmed.

We’re starting the process of foster to adopt and that in itself is super stressful. But that and sad shopping is how I’m coping. Adoption will end my struggles to have children. I’m trying to focus all my energy on making my house the home a child needs.... so basically just keeping myself too busy to really wallow in it. I’m here to cry with you if you ever need it.
 
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