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MIL situation...

Laila619

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So, my MIL put me in a tricky situation again. Gotta love well-meaning MILs, right?

I had picked out two beautiful matching Easter dresses for my daughters to wear this Sunday. They are 3 and 1. I was really excited to have them match and I thought they would look adorable. We're going to be seeing a lot of family on Sunday, some who have never met my twins. My older daughter told me she loves her "twirly dress."

Until...

MIL came over today, brimming with excitement to deliver a totally different Easter dress for my 3 year old daughter that she personally picked out. And she already cut the tag off and told me with pride that she washed and pressed it.

Am I stuck having my older daughter wear her dress now? Grrr.
 

soxfan

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Laila619|1458848441|4010505 said:
So, my MIL put me in a tricky situation again. Gotta love well-meaning MILs, right?

I had picked out two beautiful matching Easter dresses for my daughters to wear this Sunday. They are 3 and 1. I was really excited to have them match and I thought they would look adorable. We're going to be seeing a lot of family on Sunday, some who have never met my twins. My older daughter told me she loves her "twirly dress."

Until...

MIL came over today, brimming with excitement to deliver a totally different Easter dress for my 3 year old daughter that she personally picked out. And she already cut the tag off and told me with pride that she washed and pressed it.

Am I stuck having my older daughter wear her dress now? Grrr.
Nope. "Sorry, but I already bought matching dresses for the girls. Next time, call and ask." :angryfire:
 

TooPatient

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Have them wear the dresses you got!

You can be direct and tell her if you are able. Or just put her in it long enough to "accidently" spill on it and change into the other one before heading over...
(Remind anyone else of the honesty thread? :lol: )

I guess you could always try the approach of "Oh! It was so perfect for this thing we have coming up. I didn't realize you wanted her to wear it for Easter :saint: "
 

telephone89

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"Oh wow, that's so pretty! They already have easter outfits, but this would be great for X! Thanks MIL!"
 

Lady_Disdain

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No!

You don't owe her this. You didn't ask for it, promised her anything, said anything. She doesn't have the right to trump your plans for your daughters.

Thank her nicely, promise that your daughter will wear it on the next special occasion but you already have the cutest matching dresses for the girls this year. Tell her to ask you first next time, since you often plan in advance.
 

Laila619

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Thanks gals!

I'm relieved you don't think I have to do it to be nice.

Kind of presumptuous of her, no? I know she means well, but she does this sort of thing all the time.
 

Queenie60

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No - please, don't allow this. I can't tell you for how many years I allowed my MIL to "bully" me into doing everything her way. Stand your ground now, early on. Kindly thank her and let her know that you have their Easter attire taken care of. Gladly accept the dress and let her know that your daughter will wear it for another occasion. She's overstepping the unsaid rules and it's best to kindly put her in her place. Good luck!
 

PintoBean

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Dress your kids in the outfits you planned for Easter.

I think your MIL means well, but she's overstepping a bit :lol: . If you wanted to, I would suggest putting the dress on your daughter and snapping some nice pics of her. Take the nicest shot(s) and print them out and give it to your MIL framed as a thank you gift. That way, when friends and family are over, your MIL can point to the picture proudly and say - that's my granddaughter, and doesn't she look darling in the dress I got her? :dance:
 

Loves Vintage

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I'd probably have her wear both dresses that day. The matching dresses to wherever you'll be taking them where you want to get photos (probably everywhere, I know!), and then change into the MIL dress, or vice versa, preferably ending up in MIL dress when you see MIL. Best of both worlds. My 5 year old is happy to change 3, 4, 5 times a day! I'd play up how great it is that she gets to wear TWO dresses on the holiday so doesn't want to wear just the twirly dress.
 

Puppmom

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Oh, Laila. Sounds like you and I have a similar dynamic with our MIL. Absolutely have your girls wear the dresses you've already chosen. Shame on her for not asking or at least giving a head's up.

I had a similar situation recently. I bought these Color Alive coloring books for my kids' easter baskets on Saturday. On Tuesday I got home from work (she watches the kids on Tuesdays) to "Look at these cool coloring books Grandmom got us!". :angryfire: Seems like not a big deal but IT IS CONSTANT. I gave the coloring books I bought to my friend with kids the same age and moved on. She also buys very high end clothes for my children that they won't wear. Both my boys like sweat pants and t-shirts. I can't even tell you how many unworn pairs of khakis and dress shirts we've given away. I feel bad but she gives them to us with the tags cut already. Ok, I don't feel bad. :naughty:

ETA - I like LV's idea too. We have just taken pictures of the kids in the things MIL gets and send them to her...if they're willing to put them on in the first place.
 

monarch64

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Oh, Laila, I can empathize with your situation. My mom likes to buy my daughter special occasion dresses and she just did it again for Easter this year. She also likes to take over every holiday or occasion by telling everyone months in advance that she's hosting, without asking anyone else. What's hilarious is that she HATED it when my grandmother (her MIL) did the same things to her when I was growing up. I just let her do it, though. We do our thing at our house in the morning and then change into whatever she's purchased and go to their house and let her have all the grandmother glory.

Would it be possible for your girls to wear both dresses somehow? Like, could they wear the ones you had picked out for them first, and then change before you get to your gathering with the family? Or use yours or hers as "backup" for those inevitable spills/grass stains/accidents? It's a shame your MIL didn't ask you first, but there must be a way to compromise so her feelings aren't hurt and you get to dress your girls the way you'd planned.
 

ckrickett

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Loves Vintage|1458851051|4010532 said:
I'd probably have her wear both dresses that day. The matching dresses to wherever you'll be taking them where you want to get photos (probably everywhere, I know!), and then change into the MIL dress, or vice versa, preferably ending up in MIL dress when you see MIL. Best of both worlds. My 5 year old is happy to change 3, 4, 5 times a day! I'd play up how great it is that she gets to wear TWO dresses on the holiday so doesn't want to wear just the twirly dress.
I was going to recommend this
 

momhappy

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I don't think that anyone but you can answer this one. How you deal with it depends on your specific circumstances. If you don't want to rock the boat, you have your daughter wear the MIL dress. If you don't mind the extra drama that it might cause, stick with your Easter dresses. There is no rule here that says that you have to handle this situation a certain way, but there might be certain consequences as a result of certain choices and only you can weigh that out. I'm sure that your daughters will look lovely either way - enjoy your Easter holiday =)
 

Bonfire

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Quite right momhappy, it really depends on how you feel about it. Do you see it as controlling or helpful and kind hearted?
My MIL.delighted in buying all of her grandchildren their Christmas and Easter outfits. I loved it as she bought very high end clothes that were beautiful and really out of budget for us. It was kind of her and we appreciated it. But, as you stated you already have dresses you want them to wear. Your call.
( pick your battles!) :roll:
 

Elizabeth35

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I have a couple thoughts on this.
First--obviously you should dress your daughters as you see fit and your days for dressing them in matching outfits are numbered. They will not do that forever. I know this as I dressed my sons in matching outfits! They are 12 months apart and I had always wanted twins.
Lol--at a certain age, maybe 3 and 4, they voiced their displeasure over the occasional matching outfits. So I am all for enjoying it while you can.

Secondly--unless your MIL is truly mean and controlling, please don't take offense when none is intended. Is she someone like me, who only had boys and is so excited by girly clothes that she is simply having fun buying dresses? And are you going to be spending Easter with your MIL? If not---dress your daughters however you wish. But it would be nice to take a photo of your daughter in the MIL dress as others have suggested.

If she is truly mean or controlling then please disregard.
But from the vantage point of someone who is almost 60 and has lost both parents and in-laws---I would stop and take a deep breath and look at the big picture. If she is a good person who is maybe just a little overbearing, I would try to respect her generosity and excitement at purchasing a dress. How does your hubs feel about it?

I am sure your girls will look adorable and I hope you have a Happy Easter! Don't let MIL stress take away the joy!
 

missy

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Yes I agree with those that it depends on her motives.

If your MIL is warm and loving and generous and did it for those reasons maybe find a way the girls can wear both dresses.

If she did it because she is controlling don't change your plans and let the girls wear your dresses and have them wear her dresses for another occasion. If you want them to that is.
 

susief

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Thank her warmly and tell her your DD is already really excited about wearing the dress you have got her, so she will wear hers at the next meet-up or family occasion.

I've never felt obligated to put my DS in clothes other people buy him. He's not a doll to be dressed up for their benefit. I prefer to choose his clothes as I know his preferences (he is fussy). I appreciate the thought though.
 

Laila619

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Thanks, all!

I don't really know if she does this stuff just to be nice, or if she is controlling and just likes things her way. My gut says a little of both. She isn't a bad person, but she is constantly giving me "helpful advice" about things I'm doing that should be done a different, better way. I guess I could just bring both dresses to the get-together and have her change half way.

The thing is, I would like her to stop being so presumptuous and at least ask me first before she does this stuff. I know it's a nice gesture though, and it's such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things! I'll probably just end up returning my dress; they grow so fast it seems silly to have two dresses for one day, when she probably won't fit in it in two months.
 

kenny

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Laila619|1458848441|4010505 said:
So, my MIL put me in a tricky situation again. Gotta love well-meaning MILs, right?

I had picked out two beautiful matching Easter dresses for my daughters to wear this Sunday. They are 3 and 1. I was really excited to have them match and I thought they would look adorable. We're going to be seeing a lot of family on Sunday, some who have never met my twins. My older daughter told me she loves her "twirly dress."

Until...

MIL came over today, brimming with excitement to deliver a totally different Easter dress for my 3 year old daughter that she personally picked out. And she already cut the tag off and told me with pride that she washed and pressed it.

Am I stuck having my older daughter wear her dress now? Grrr.
No.
Just tell her she crossed a boundary, return the dress and leave it at that.
It's your job to dress the girls but if she wants to make a contribution to their college fund that would be gracious and appreciated.
 

Bonfire

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Unfortunately these are hard bridges to navigate. Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way, it sure would make things a lot less frustrating! Ah, the ties that bind! :lol:
 

kenny

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Bonfire|1458865112|4010648 said:
Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way.

You absolutely can.
Just do it.

Relationships will do one of two things.
1. Get better.
2. End because they were hopelessly based on BS ... in which case, good riddance.

Either way, everybody wins.
 

Bonfire

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Yes true, but come on Kenny, this is family. No need to part ways or hurt feelings needlessly over this. It's called compromise. That's what people in families do. I'm sure you will disagree with me. I had a lovely relationship with my MIL for 30 years before she died. Was she a bit overbearing sometimes? Sure, but I wouldn't hurt her feelings for petty stuff. Relationships are give and take.
 

momhappy

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kenny|1458865150|4010650 said:
Bonfire|1458865112|4010648 said:
Too bad we can't talk to the people in our lives in a frank and open way.

You absolutely can.
Just do it.

Relationships will do one of two things.
1. Get better.
2. End because they were hopelessly based on BS ... in which case, good riddance.

Either way, everybody wins.
but you can't end a relationship with your MIL - and why would you want to over an Easter dress?
Sure, people should be able to talk frankly and openly, but then there might be consequences to those actions. Life is about choosing your battles and sometimes there are certain variables (like feelings for example) to take into consideration.
If my MIL purchased a dress, washed it, pressed it, and seemed genuinely excited about it, I'd probably find some clever way to deal with it (like having her wear both dresses).

By the way, OP, which dress would your daughter like to wear? You mentioned that you picked out a dress and your MIL picked out a dress, but I wonder if you've asked your daughter which dress she would actually prefer to wear?
 

Maria D

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Laila619|1458864412|4010639 said:
Thanks, all!

I don't really know if she does this stuff just to be nice, or if she is controlling and just likes things her way. My gut says a little of both. She isn't a bad person, but she is constantly giving me "helpful advice" about things I'm doing that should be done a different, better way. I guess I could just bring both dresses to the get-together and have her change half way.

The thing is, I would like her to stop being so presumptuous and at least ask me first before she does this stuff. I know it's a nice gesture though, and it's such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things! I'll probably just end up returning my dress; they grow so fast it seems silly to have two dresses for one day, when she probably won't fit in it in two months.
I think this would be a huge mistake. Yes, it is a minor issue, so MIL shouldn't mind at all that the dress she chose won't be the Easter dress. I would let your daughter wear grandma's dress for dress-up play. Take lots of pictures of her wearing the dress during playtime (or wherever) and make a little photo album for MIL if you like, but let YOUR wants take precedence; you deserve it! Raising children is a tough job for which you have to sacrifice a lot. Along the way you get some rewards - like dressing up your girls the way you want.

MIL is not going to stop being presumptuous if you decide your wish of having your little girls match on Easter is not as important as pleasing her. I also don't think she should have to ask you first before giving a gift to her granddaughter. But you get to decide what YOUR daughters wear on a holiday.

If you don't set boundaries now, you're setting yourself up for resentment.
 

Rockinruby

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I would be cautious in dealing with a family situation like this. You may just want to keep the peace since you mentioned taking your dress back? If so, then definitely let your MIL know that you had to take the dress back. :doh: Tell her that her generosity is appreciated, but in future she needs to discuss special occasion plans with you first. Otherwise MIL will be setting herself up for disappointment because you & DH are in charge of planning for the kids. :dance:

I personally would just put them in the outfits you planned & save the other dress for another occaision. Otherwise things will continue to frustrate you when she oversteps. I might be sensitive to setting boundaries from my experience with my MIL though. She has passed away now, but did some really hurtful things. (Asked me to step out of the photos on my wedding day so she could have family only photos. :shock: ).

Over the years we became close, but I think that's because she learned to respect that we wouldn't accept her overstepping. She was a good person and meant well, but she did things just like this to my SIL years ago. It was all meant in a good way supposedly. My SIL let it go many times. SIL let things slide until the boundaries were completely trampled by my MIL. One example being my MIL took the grandson to get his first haircut. :shock: MIL didn't give the parents a pic right away or give them the hair locks. She never apologized nor did she ever agree that she had overstepped. :angryfire: These things helped me to see that I shouldn't let her overstep with us or we would be miserable. :nono:
 

Maria D

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kenny|1458864627|4010643 said:
Laila619|1458848441|4010505 said:
So, my MIL put me in a tricky situation again. Gotta love well-meaning MILs, right?

I had picked out two beautiful matching Easter dresses for my daughters to wear this Sunday. They are 3 and 1. I was really excited to have them match and I thought they would look adorable. We're going to be seeing a lot of family on Sunday, some who have never met my twins. My older daughter told me she loves her "twirly dress."

Until...

MIL came over today, brimming with excitement to deliver a totally different Easter dress for my 3 year old daughter that she personally picked out. And she already cut the tag off and told me with pride that she washed and pressed it.

Am I stuck having my older daughter wear her dress now? Grrr.
No.
Just tell her she crossed a boundary, return the dress and leave it at that.
It's your job to dress the girls but if she wants to make a contribution to their college fund that would be gracious and appreciated.
Grandma's dress can't be returned; tags were cut and it's already been laundered.

You know Laila619, you could just say that you already cut the tags and washed/pressed the dress you bought too! Such a shame it can't be returned. ;-)
 

Polished

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Your daughter indicated to you Laila that she loves the dress you chose for her. This could be a good opportunity to show your MIL that not only you but her grandchildren have their personal preferences that need to be respected.
 

Bonfire

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Lailia you need to take all of our advice with a huge grain of salt. We all bring to the table our own experiences and family dynamic.
Only you know your comfort level. Good luck figuring it out! :wavey:
 

lambskin

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There is nothing sweeter than girls in matching Easter dresses. :love: I have two girls and dressed them alike for every holiday-finding the perfect dress each time. It was one of my main joys in life-seriously. :dance: My sister tried to get in the fun and typically picked out butt-ugly frocks. Also y sister pulled the same crap taking off the tags sor making near impossible to return. So I would have them wear her dresses to the school party and my dresses to church and family functions. This is what I suggest-to keep family harmony and to give MIL the message-tell her that you prefer matching dresses and bought same. Since she went to all that trouble, you will have one of your daughters wear the dress for Mother's Day as I assume that MIL will be with you all for that holiday. Weird that she bought only one an not a dress for the other grandaughter. I wonder if the dress was not new-ergo the tag already off and needed to be pressed? Now my girls are too old to match abd refuse to do dress alike. :(( So put your claim now because it will not last long.
 
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