MIL & SIL - help, advice, straight talking needed, pls

[glitterkitty]

Hi folks - need some advice on coping with feelings towards MIL and SIL. Am slowly being driven to the edge by MIL and her obsession with my SIL and her life.

Bit of background - DH and I are both 35, been together 15 years, married 10 and have a (almost) 9 year old son. His parents have been married 35 years, and he has a sister who is 4 years younger than him. My parents have been apart for 35 years - they were forced to get married when mum found she was pregnant, but split up within 3 months when mum found out dad was gay

. Mum hated having me and my childhood was a nightmare - I was homeless and living in a hostel when I took my A levels because our relationship had deteriorated so badly. Saw dad every weekend, but always knew I was a hindrance to him too, and got in the way of him doing what he wanted. Plus in recent years he has done some very very bad things

that have caused us some severe problems

. Mum and I are ok ish, but it tends to be strained particularly when she had a go at me because I had a boy instead of a girl like she wanted

.

So, the issue. SIL is the absolute apple of MIL (and FIL) eye. Everything she does is of earth shattering importance, and everybody has to be told in detail, repeatedly. Example - SIL got engaged to her now husband about 4 years ago. From the moment MIL could finally tell everybody - she knew it was coming and picked the ring out

- the wedding was the only topic of conversation. For TWO years. No joke. It was an obsession with her. Anything SIL wanted, she could have. Our wedding, by contrast, was paid for entirely by us and was done on a shoestring. BTW SIL is a bank manager and her husband is a teacher. Jealous - yes, absolutely and almost crippled by it. MIL would ring me up and tell me what she had arranged for SIL and ask why we didn''t have the same when we got married

. Time and again she asked whether my mum had bought my dress for me, or when my dad had paid for the reception - knowing FULL well that we had paid for everthing ourselves. DH told me not to let it get to me, but two years of this drove me to breaking point. This was the time we found out about what my dad had actually been doing, and had to live within prescribed amounts while the authorities investigated.

Move forward to end of last year and SIL and husband finally sell their house after being on the market for a year.MIL has been showing people round it, and gets someone to buy it. SIL buys a wreck that needs everything doing to it. MIL is insistent that DH and I go and help them clear it out. We decline the kind offer. SIL and husband move into MIL while the work is done on their house. Five months later they are still there because SIL would rather go away every weekend than work on the house. MIL and FIL spend all their time at the house doing all the work, MIL talking about it as if its their house.

yes, I''m jealous because they don''t have kids yet and have a huge amount of disposable income and are moving into a house that is considerably larger than ours, but how do i stop the green eyed mnster making my life a misery? How do I stop comparing how they treat my SIL with how they treat my DH?

Advice, sympathy or a kick up the arse for being pathetic all gratefully received

C x

 

[Allisonfaye]

Wow, I feel for you. I wish you had better in laws, especially given what you grew up with.
I am not sure how to advise you. I guess there will always be richer, better looking, smarter people than you (and you are better looking, smarter, richer than others). I guess if it weren''t constantly thrown up in your face, you could probably deal with it better.

Why do you think your MIL does this to you? Does she like you?
Have you ever thought of sitting her down, being honest with her and telling her how it hurts when she rubs all that in your face?

 

[Grace43537]

YIKES! That is not good. Just keep reminding yourself that you have earned your place in the world and that SIL is being handed everything on a silver platter. I know what you mean about the jealousy. A good friend of mine and her husband just bought the most beautiful house in a very appealing neighborhood. My husband and I are *still* renting. I can''t help but feel jealous when we go over there or when I talk to her. What makes it worse is that she hates the house. I just roll my eyes and think about how ungrateful she is about the whole thing. My own sister sounds like your SIL. My sister is 1.5 years younger than I am and she gets everything she wants from mommy and daddy. Not me. There are too many examples to list... I just remind myself that at least I know I can get by on my own, which is something that she won''t be able to do for a long time.
-Grace

 

[Matata]

Advice, sympathy or a kick up the arse for being pathetic all gratefully received

C x

Well ok then, sympathy first....your childhood was far from heavenly and I completely understand how that may be impacting your reaction to the SIL/MIL stuff. Now about that advice ... You have a right to feel the way you do and you are the only one who can change the way you feel should you so choose. You''ve named jealousy as the main issue and the issue is yours and your trying to make it theirs soooooo, now for the arse kick...you should consider trying to resolve your feelings about your parents, perhaps by getting counseling, and see whether or not that helps you resolve your jealousy toward SIL/FIL. Maybe ridding yourself of the baggage of your family issues will strengthen you, give you perspective on your value to those who love you, and best of all, give you the courage to tell MIL to take a flying leap into a flaming pit next time she steps out of line

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 6/28/2006 11:20:54 PM
Author: Matata

Advice, sympathy or a kick up the arse for being pathetic all gratefully received

C x

Well ok then, sympathy first....your childhood was far from heavenly and I completely understand how that may be impacting your reaction to the SIL/MIL stuff. Now about that advice ... You have a right to feel the way you do and you are the only one who can change the way you feel should you so choose. You''ve named jealousy as the main issue and the issue is yours and your trying to make it theirs soooooo, now for the arse kick...you should consider trying to resolve your feelings about your parents, perhaps by getting counseling, and see whether or not that helps you resolve your jealousy toward SIL/FIL. Maybe ridding yourself of the baggage of your family issues will strengthen you, give you perspective on your value to those who love you, and best of all, give you the courage to tell MIL to take a flying leap into a flaming pit next time she steps out of line

agree with Matata. and congratulations to you for being open to advice, sympathy and/or that kick in the butt. makes me think that once you''ve got your issues resolved re your family, your confidence will be up and 1-MIL won''t get to you as much as you''ll be laughing your head off everytime she comes at you which will piss her off or 2-you''ll have that courage to ask her "what are you thinking, woman, when you ask me such stupid questions?"

movie zombie

 

[glitterkitty]

Ta v much for replying. you''ve all hit the nail on the head - its up to me to deal with the issues that are clouding my judgement and ability to cope with this.

Just really needed to vent last night, and I''d sooner do it on an annonymous msg board than criticise his family to my DH and cause an almighty row just because I''m feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for taking the time to help

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I'm late to this thread and you've said that you don't want to criticize your husband's family in front of him. But if I had a relative who asked me why I didn't have the same kind of wedding my in laws had or do things the way they do, I would smile and say that I prefer to pay my own way and don't believe in being a parasite. (Unfortunately, you sometimes have to make in-laws think twice before they needle you for their enjoyment.)

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 6/29/2006 8:17:46 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I''m late to this thread and you''ve said that you don''t want to criticize your husband''s family in front of him. But if I had a relative who asked me why I didn''t have the same kind of wedding my in laws had or do things the way they do, I would smile and say that I prefer to pay my own way and don''t believe in being a parasite. (Unfortunately, you sometimes have to make in-laws think twice before they needle you for their enjoyment.)

love it!

besides, if you pay for it, you''re not obligated to try and fulfill the wishes of the person picking up the tab because you are that person and are only obligated to yourself.

movie zombie