MIA MOH

[Diamond Confused]

A friend of mine is getting married in May and the maid of honor has done nothing with regard to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. She is having some personal issue and has just blown everything else off. Should I talk to her and tell her she needs to start planning? I don''t want to step on anyone''s shoes but I don''t want my friend to end up with nothing. Also, I can''t do any if the planning because of school. I can help, but I can''t take over.

Would you talk to the maid of honor?

 

[Porridge]

I would if you are friends with her, and know her well enough. I''d start by finding out how affected she is by her personal issues and whether she is capable at the moment of organising these things. If she is, I would gently remind her to do it! Distraction is always a good thing. If not, I suggest both of you come up with a plan of getting other people to help. Good luck!

 

[Mediterranean]

I would definitely talk to her. If it were me, I''d ask the MOH what she has planned for the bride, and I''d also let her know, up front, exactly what kind of time you can afford.

Something like:

"Hi, MOH I hope you''re doing well. I''m just dropping a quick note to ask about your plans for a shower or bachelorette for Bride, since I haven''t heard of your plans yet. Just to keep you in the loop, I am available to do XXX, YYY, and ZZZ on 00/00/00, 00/00/00 and 00/00/00. The rest of my time is taken up by school, and i wanted to make things easier for you as you plan this by letting you know what my availability is.

Thanks so much, and please don''t hesitate to let me know what the plan is!

Cheers,

Me"



I find that with people who are focused on some other pressing event or issue, it''s important to delineate your LIMITATIONS right up front. She may not be paying as much attention to this because of her own personal issues, which is absolutely understandable. However, it''s very tempting for people who are otherwise occupied to procrastinate and inadvertently dump the work/expense onto other people. If you let her know up-front what your limits are, she will be less inclined to do this. Frame the note''s verbiage so that it is automatically implied that, hey, YOU are the MOH, this is YOUR project, I can help, but ONLY during these times/dates, and I can ONLY do so much....but in a nice way....

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

I thought that while it would be nice for the maid of honor to plan these things, she really is not obliged to. For instance, someone is chosen to be maid of honor by the bride because she deserves the title, not because the bride thinks, "Ok, you can be the maid of honor because of all my friends, you are the one most capable of planning all these fun events for me and make sure that they turn out successfully," right?

With that said, if you feel strongly about the situation, you could flat out ask the MOH what''s up, in a friendly way.

 

[fieryred33143]

No

If the bride doesn''t want to confront her like a mature bride and instead talk/complain behind her back like a bridezilla, then that''s her business. Don''t get in the middle of it because the MOH will feel like everyone is ganging up on her even though she may not be aware of how the bride feels to begin with.

Also, because you are only hearing/seeing what the bride has said/shown, you really don''t know how much the MOH has or has not done.

I would just stay out of it all together.

 

[neatfreak]

I''d either stay out of it completely OR simply say to the MOH "I just wanted to let you know that I''m available to help for the shower and bachelorette if you need it". That way you have helped put it on her radar, which is all you really can do IMO...

 

[EyeElle]

I would just through it out there that you are available and willing to help in any aspect of the events.
This way it shows that you are happy to help without making it sound that she isn''t doing anything or that she is slacking off.
This might also open her eyes and see that its time to get things into gear and start getting to work.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 3/8/2009 3:18:36 PM
Author: fieryred33143
No


If the bride doesn''t want to confront her like a mature bride and instead talk/complain behind her back like a bridezilla, then that''s her business. Don''t get in the middle of it because the MOH will feel like everyone is ganging up on her even though she may not be aware of how the bride feels to begin with.


Also, because you are only hearing/seeing what the bride has said/shown, you really don''t know how much the MOH has or has not done.


I would just stay out of it all together.

I agree. I don''t believe in doing the dirty work for other people. If the bride doesn''t ask her MOH, then that''s her problem.

 

[katamari]

I would only step in if you could be proactive about it. There is no need to criticize someone for not doing something you couldn''t do either. You could ask her what her plans were for the events without offering to help, though.

 

[musey]

She may not even know that that is expected of her. Really all that is ''required'' of a MOH is to make sure she''s on the same page with the bride and fulfilling expectations (hopefully reasonable ones).

If you''re clued in to the bride''s expectations where the MOH does not seem to be, then sure, talk to her. But if the MOH is good enough friends with the bride to be a MOH in the first place, it does seem like they should be able to handle it themselves...

 

[Diamond Confused]

Date: 3/8/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
I thought that while it would be nice for the maid of honor to plan these things, she really is not obliged to. For instance, someone is chosen to be maid of honor by the bride because she deserves the title, not because the bride thinks, ''Ok, you can be the maid of honor because of all my friends, you are the one most capable of planning all these fun events for me and make sure that they turn out successfully,'' right?

With that said, if you feel strongly about the situation, you could flat out ask the MOH what''s up, in a friendly way.

The MOH appointed herself to plan both so the rest of us assumed she was taking care of it. The bride is a good friend and I don''t want her to end up with nothing because her MOH is wrapped up in her own life.

 

[honey22]

You make a good point here. I don''t think it should be up to the bride to ask whether they have organised a party in her honour, to me it''s the same as asking if you have bought her present already. I honestly don''t see anything wrong with calling up the MOH and letting her know that you understand that she might be having some issues and that you would like to help her out by organising the shower as you don''t want the bride to miss out. She''s probably so caught up in her own stuff, she hasn''t even given thought to the fact that the bride will miss out.

If I were in that situation, I would rather have a few uncomfortable conversations with the MOH and put myself out a little rather than my friend missing out on a shower.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/9/2009 12:29:59 AM
Author: Diamond Confused

Date: 3/8/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
I thought that while it would be nice for the maid of honor to plan these things, she really is not obliged to. For instance, someone is chosen to be maid of honor by the bride because she deserves the title, not because the bride thinks, ''Ok, you can be the maid of honor because of all my friends, you are the one most capable of planning all these fun events for me and make sure that they turn out successfully,'' right?

With that said, if you feel strongly about the situation, you could flat out ask the MOH what''s up, in a friendly way.

The MOH appointed herself to plan both so the rest of us assumed she was taking care of it. The bride is a good friend and I don''t want her to end up with nothing because her MOH is wrapped up in her own life.

If the MOH is having personal issues; instead of accusing her of "blowing everything else off" and being "wrapped up in her own life"... what''s wrong with simply showing some compassion and asking if she would like some help with the planning?!?

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/8/2009 3:03:19 PM
Author: Mediterranean
I would definitely talk to her. If it were me, I''d ask the MOH what she has planned for the bride, and I''d also let her know, up front, exactly what kind of time you can afford.

Something like:

''Hi, MOH I hope you''re doing well. I''m just dropping a quick note to ask about your plans for a shower or bachelorette for Bride, since I haven''t heard of your plans yet. Just to keep you in the loop, I am available to do XXX, YYY, and ZZZ on 00/00/00, 00/00/00 and 00/00/00. The rest of my time is taken up by school, and i wanted to make things easier for you as you plan this by letting you know what my availability is.

Thanks so much, and please don''t hesitate to let me know what the plan is!

Cheers,

Me''

I like sending this in a casual email. Stating WHAT you can do to help... along the lines of... I just didn''t want to be out of the loop as I am available to help.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/8/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
I thought that while it would be nice for the maid of honor to plan these things, she really is not obliged to. For instance, someone is chosen to be maid of honor by the bride because she deserves the title,

What? "Deserves the title"?? How ... by being the bestest friend ever? In my experience people often chose the most capable and/or experienced friend to be their MOH so that they can count on that person to do the j-o-b of MOH.

I think that''s a bunch of hooey though & picked one of my brothers to be my Dude Of Honor. He was *unaware* of any traditional MOH duties & that was fine w/me.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/9/2009 4:30:40 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 3/8/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
I thought that while it would be nice for the maid of honor to plan these things, she really is not obliged to. For instance, someone is chosen to be maid of honor by the bride because she deserves the title,

What? ''Deserves the title''?? How ... by being the bestest friend ever? In my experience people often chose the most capable and/or experienced friend to be their MOH so that they can count on that person to do the j-o-b of MOH.

I think that''s a bunch of hooey though & picked one of my brothers to be my Dude Of Honor. He was *unaware* of any traditional MOH duties & that was fine w/me.

I chose my matron of honor because she was the most meaningful person to have standing beside me that day. I didn''t expect anything at all from her other than to be a bit of moral support and stand with me on my wedding day. However, even if she''d for some reason not been able to get out here for the wedding, she still would''ve been my matron of honor and we''d find a way to mention/acknowledge her. I wouldn''t have replaced her.

To me, a "maid of honor" means that I''ve been honored to have her in my life, and want to show how special she is to me by having her be my maid of honor. I''m the one who feels honored by her participation, as opposed to thinking she should feel honored.

I don''t know if that makes a whip of sense.


Basically, to me having attendants was more a way of recognizing their importance in our lives, as opposed to them serving an actual function (like party planning, assembling invitations, etc.). They did plan some stuff, but even the bachelor/bachelorette stuff we planned ourselves, with a little bit of help/input from the groomsmen (my MOH was unable to participate).

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 3/8/2009 3:03:19 PM
Author: Mediterranean
I would definitely talk to her. If it were me, I''d ask the MOH what she has planned for the bride, and I''d also let her know, up front, exactly what kind of time you can afford.


Something like:


''Hi, MOH I hope you''re doing well. I''m just dropping a quick note to ask about your plans for a shower or bachelorette for Bride, since I haven''t heard of your plans yet. Just to keep you in the loop, I am available to do XXX, YYY, and ZZZ on 00/00/00, 00/00/00 and 00/00/00. The rest of my time is taken up by school, and i wanted to make things easier for you as you plan this by letting you know what my availability is.


Thanks so much, and please don''t hesitate to let me know what the plan is!


Cheers,


Me''

Ditto - never hurts to lay it out in a polite, straightforward way.