Meeting his son! Help?

[Aloros]

I''m meeting my bfs son this weekend, and I''m partially very excited and partially nervous as heck! It''s been a long time since I''ve interacted with children, and I''m afraid I''m going to just freeze up. I used to volunteer - teaching kids after class and teaching a swimming class - but that was years ago. He''s nine years old. I don''t even remember what nine year olds look like!

Any things I should do/should avoid at all costs doing? Do I shake his hand, introduce myself? I really don''t know. He knows about me, so that shouldn''t be a huge shock, but I really don''t know how to act in this sort of situation.

I think we''re all going to go see Spiderman 3 together. He likes comic book characters and Star Wars, which are things I love as well, so I''m hoping we''ll have something to talk about. Or should I just let my bf do most of the talking? Yikes!

Y''all strike me as very wise and level-headed (which is exactly what I''m NOT feeling right now), so I was hoping you could give me some of your invaluable advice. Help?

 

[mercoledi]

Eeek! I don''t really have any advice, I just wanted to wish you good luck!

I remember being that age and meeting the new SO of a parent. It''s wierd for everyone, and a lot of how it goes is how well prepared/open to it the kid is. The only thing I would say (and others who know more might disagree) is to talk to him almost like an adult; i.e. try not to re-pitch your voice, or dumb down the language too much. Kids are usually more savvy than we give them credit for!

 

[Aloros]

Date: 5/4/2007 12:33:33 PM
Author: mercoledi
Eeek! I don''t really have any advice, I just wanted to wish you good luck!

I remember being that age and meeting the new SO of a parent. It''s wierd for everyone, and a lot of how it goes is how well prepared/open to it the kid is. The only thing I would say (and others who know more might disagree) is to talk to him almost like an adult; i.e. try not to re-pitch your voice, or dumb down the language too much. Kids are usually more savvy than we give them credit for!

Thanks so much! I''m definitely a big proponent of talking to kids like an adult. I remember being a kid and hating being talked to like I was stupid. Or having someone talk over me, to my parent, instead of asking me questions directly.

I''ll keep that in mind.

 

[marvel]

Just be yourself and don''t try too hard. Kids are pretty smart and will see right through it. Just be the gracious person that you are and I''m sure it will work out great! Good luck!!

 

[decodelighted]

I would try not to have too many expectations or expect to "connect" right away. Kids can be very shy and gruff even! Don''t take anything personally or put too much significance into "the first impression" -- its not like with adults .. with kids its more like dipping your toe into the pool ... and climbing further & further into the pool with each subsequent visit.

Be "open" with body lanquage ... no crossed arms or leaning away from him ... smile warmly ... try to seem approachable - not overly aggressive or overbearing.

Don''t be needy. You''re the adult. The kid is just a kid. Adults shouldn''t need stuff from kids so badly - it''s not fair.

 

[Aloros]

*deep breath*

Ok, be myself. That really should be the simplest thing, but it can be so difficult sometimes, especially when I''m nervous. I get so wound up. Sometimes I feel relaxed about it, but when I think about it too much, wondering how to act, how his son will react to me, I start feeling a little overwhelmed. Maybe I should try to treat it like I''m meeting the child of one of my friends. I''ve managed ok in those situations. Dipping my toe into the pool...

I have very few expectations since I haven''t the faintest clue what to expect. I''ve never dated anyone with children before.

 

[Independent Gal]

How old is his son?

One thing that I've always found charms the heck out of kids is treating them as older than they are. If the kid is 8 or older, talk to him like he's a grownup. I mean, don't ask him about the stockmarket or anything! But interact with him like he's a regular person, but smaller, rather than a child. Kids LOVE that. And conversely they HATE the kootchy-koo if they're older than, say, 3.

Another thing: don't ask him about school. School isn't like work for a kid, because with work you sort of choose your profession and have some interest in. School is totally generic for kids (unless he REALLY excels at school, then that makes him feel special). Instead, ask him about extra-curriculars, specific interests, the things that might make him stand out and feel special and unique. Does he do sports? Does he do photography? What teams does he like? What movies does he like?

Just like meeting anyone, get him talking about himself and things that are special to him and seem interested in what he tells you. Get him to explain things to you. Invite him to show off a little.

And just like with anyone else, he'll be as scared that you won't like him as vice versa, so make him feel liked and that will go a long way to chilling him out.

One more thought: don't try to 'bribe him' for affection (with ice cream or whatever). He won't respect you in the long run.

Again, think of him as a regular human, but smaller, and all will be well. One exception: he is a child emotionally, even if kids like to be treated 'as though' they were grown-ups. which means that if he's acting out or being snotty, that's because he doesn't know how to handle himself in this complicated emotional situation. Then you just have to be patient and consistently show affection. Don't react badly to the bad behaviour or it will get worse because he'll think you don't like him. Nothing scares a kid more than being unloved by their parents or step-parents.

ETA: that doesn't mean you ENCOURAGE the bad behaviour, but let his dad discipline him.

Yikes! That's long. Part of this is because I have a gazillion siblings, much younger than me and part is because when I was a kid, I told myself "IndyGal, when you grow up, remember what this feels like and don't treat kids like that jerk just treated you." And remember I did!

 

[Maisie]

I would definitely be yourself.

Try not to hold hands or kiss your b/f until you get a feel for the situation. Some children can be on a one man mission to reunite their parents and they can''t understand why they would want to be with anyone but the mother/father.

Don''t be tempted to come across as too generous either - kids will always exploite this!

The child was there first - try to respect this. I don''t mean you should disappear into the background on visits but you should allow them to do the things they normally do.

I guess you just shouldn''t try to hard. It won''t work if anything is forced. This will be strange for the child but you can definitely come out of this happy if you take time to get to be friends with them.

Good luck!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/4/2007 12:54:07 PM
Author: marvel
Just be yourself and don''t try too hard. Kids are pretty smart and will see right through it. Just be the gracious person that you are and I''m sure it will work out great! Good luck!!

Totally agree. Just be yourself, and take the lead from him. Don''t push anything. Good luck!!! And have fun !!!

 

[Aloros]

Wow! You guys are awesome. I feel about 100x better than I did this morning. Unfortunately, my nerves don''t usually set in until about 10 minutes beforehand, so the fact that I''m feeling nervous already is a bad sign! Still, I feel less like I''m going to spontaneously combust upon meeting him.

Independent Gal: He''s nine years old. Thanks so much for all your advice. My bf talks about him, so I know a little about his likes/dislikes and the extracurricular activities he''s involved in. I guess I''ll just start from there. I definitely don''t intend to talk down to him! I remember what that was like as a kid.

Maisie: Thanks. I definitely plan on holding back on the physical affection. I know it was even a little weird for me when my older brother started dating after his breakup with his gf of 6 years. I''d really gotten used to her.

Kaleigh: Be myself, have fun! I''ll try, once I stop hyperventilating...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/4/2007 6:58:53 PM
Author: Aloros
Wow! You guys are awesome. I feel about 100x better than I did this morning. Unfortunately, my nerves don''t usually set in until about 10 minutes beforehand, so the fact that I''m feeling nervous already is a bad sign! Still, I feel less like I''m going to spontaneously combust upon meeting him.

Independent Gal: He''s nine years old. Thanks so much for all your advice. My bf talks about him, so I know a little about his likes/dislikes and the extracurricular activities he''s involved in. I guess I''ll just start from there. I definitely don''t intend to talk down to him! I remember what that was like as a kid.

Maisie: Thanks. I definitely plan on holding back on the physical affection. I know it was even a little weird for me when my older brother started dating after his breakup with his gf of 6 years. I''d really gotten used to her.

Kaleigh: Be myself, have fun! I''ll try, once I stop hyperventilating...

I know, it''s easy for me to say right?? But my best advice is to relax. It will be what it will be. You can''t make it into anything else. Honestly. Kids are so darn smart, and will pick up on your vibes if you are uncomfortable. Deep breaths are required prior, and I''m sure you''ll do just fine. The fact that you care so much, and have taken the time to start a thread on this. Well it speaks volumes!!! So Kudos to you!!!

 

[neatfreak]

9 year olds aren''t too bad in the scheme of things! Be yourself, don''t make any attempt to discipline him or "act like his mother", ask him about his toys, hobbies, interests and pretend you like them too.

9 year old boys love to show off, so if you can find a special talent or something that he has, ask him to show you, he''ll love that.

And I completely agree about talking to him like an adult.

You''ll be FINE!!! Just be yourself and I''m sure he''ll love you.

 

[kcoursolle]

I agree with the others saying just be yourself and don''t be scared! He may like you, he may not...over time it will get easier.

One thing I noticed is to be responsive to children. If they want to show you their toy, play with you, talk to you about something, or whatever, don''t brush them off. Go ahead and take a little time and talk/play/listen to them. Also, smiling helps children be more comfortable with adults because children often want to please people and if you are smiling they are going to think that you like them.

 

[swingirl]

Here is my suggestion. If you are going to see Spiderman keep the conversation about the immediate topics...what foods does he like to eat at the movies, has he seen the other Spiderman movies, etc. And remember that you and he don''t need to be talking much. He may enjoy the time with his dad and hardly notice you are there. Or he may be curious about you. As soon as you meet him you''ll probably remember what 9 year old are like. Have fun!

 

[Efe]

I met my husband''s son when he was just a little older. I know exactly what you are going through. I found that he was mildly curious about me and then behaved as all 10 year old boys do, talked about his interests. I knew beforehand that he was crazy about sports so we talked about his favorite teams etc. I agree with those above who talked about keeping affection to a minimum. Boys that age don''t like to see it period, let alone with their dad and his girlfriend. I think the most important thing in any future relationship with his son, is that you always speak of and treat his mother with respect and regard. I don''t know what the situation is with your boyfriend and his ex, but having that perspective goes a long way in avoiding the evil stepmom syndrome. You sould like a lovely person and you will do just fine. Have fun.

 

[asscherisme]

How did it go? I have a 10 year old son and I think you got some great advice. I was also a kid when my dad divorced and was dating and ditto to the advice. Kids love to be treated older than they are at that age. And the WORST thing someone can do to my son is treat him younger than he is. I also agree with holding back on affection with your boyfrined. Be yourself, and have fun! Kids can hone in on when you are nervous.

 

[Aloros]

Thanks for all the advice!

Well, change of plans. It didn''t work out this past weekend, but we''ll be with him this upcoming weekend, for all of Saturday and until Sunday afternoon. I''m glad we''ll have more time together, and I''m glad his interests are similar to mine. I don''t know what I would do if he was into sports! I don''t have a clue when it comes to that. But I love comic books and Star Wars.

So...now I have more time to be nervous!

 

[marvel]

Date: 5/8/2007 1:43:02 PM
Author: Aloros
Thanks for all the advice!

Well, change of plans. It didn''t work out this past weekend, but we''ll be with him this upcoming weekend, for all of Saturday and until Sunday afternoon. I''m glad we''ll have more time together, and I''m glad his interests are similar to mine. I don''t know what I would do if he was into sports! I don''t have a clue when it comes to that. But I love comic books and Star Wars.

So...now I have more time to be nervous!

Does that mean he''s spending the night? Do you and b/f live together? Are you spending all of that time with them? I''m not trying to be nosey, but I was thinking maybe you should let him spend some time with his dad one-on-one. Make sure little guy knows you''re not a threat and he is still number ONE to dad.

I have a 12 year old. I''ve been with BF for 5 yrs and I know she still gets upset if she feels like he is cutting into her time with mom.

Just my two cents. Just my two cents.

 

[Aloros]

Bfs dad has custody. His dad is going out of town, so we''re essentially going to be watching him for a day and a half. We don''t live together. We''re going over there. I''m not traditional by any means, but I''m planning on spending the night on a couch. And I''m definitely going to bring something to do so bf and son can have some one-on-one time. The last thing I want is for him to feel pushed aside.

I''m excited, but I''m very nervous since I am so concerned with doing things "right". Hopefully things will go just fine!

 

[marvel]

It sounds like you''re going to do just fine! I''m sure he''ll have a great time with you two, and enjoy hanging out.

 

[Aloros]

Thanks again everyone for your advice! I had a great weekend, and his son is a really good kid. A little bit spoiled, but a good kid. We had a lot of fun together and I look forward to doing it again!

 

[asscherisme]

YEAY! I''m so happy for you it went well. Phew, relief right

Good ideal sleeping on the couch and letting them have time together.