Maybe this wasn''t meant to be...

[FarFarAway]

I dunno how many of you remember my situation, so I will just recap:
SO and I are long-distance and have been for the past few years.

Anyway, in the past few months, things have gotten tense. He''s really busy, and so, a few weeks ago, called me in a mid-panic saying how as much as he loved me, and as much as wanted to be with me on the phone til all hours (which I love), he cannot do it anymore if he does not want to lose all he''s worked for.

So we''ve cut back on conversations, and he''s been making sure he gets work done. He came a few weeks ago to just see me for the weekend, to make up for "lost" time as he says.

However, as time goes on, I am feeling more and more neglected and that we are "losing" each other. I told him I wanted to plan a trip out to see him, and instead of being really happy, which he usually is, he''s hesitant and basically told me he could only see me for a couple of days. I told him i''ve already bought tickets (it was suppose to be a surprise) and he goes "Well, are there friends you can visit?"


So here I am now, sobbing and really upset. He''s over there, upset as well, saying he doesn''t understand why I don''t understand the predicament he''s in. He wants to see me, but he is just so busy and needs to get so many things done.

I told him im busy too, but I can always make time for us. Why can''t he? Maybe he''s just too busy to have a relationship.

And that''s where we got really angry and both just shut off. I told him I can''t talk to him anymore tonight, and I need to just regroup until tomorrow.


Ugh. I dunno how we got here. We''ve been fighting about this and I just don''t know how to stop.

 

[Mara]

this situation sounds so familiar to me... my relationship with my first love when i was very young! we were totally close when we lived near each other and had been together a year, but then he went away to college and i did too and we wrote all the time and were totally in sync...but after a while life just got between us and LD was really hard. i went out to visit for a week, and we had a wonderful time, it was just like it had been before, but then when i came back, he started getting more distant...and wouldn't call me as often, write as often. i felt him pulling away. whenever i tried to broach the subject he said i was just imagining it and he was just really busy with school and basketball etc.

in the end, i ended up freaking out on him and breaking it off (i was 17 so imagine the drama hehe)...and he was like 'okay'..which broke my heart, he was my first true love and we had been together for about 1.5 years and talked about our futures together, getting married, having kids. i couldn't believe he was okay with us ending it when we had been so close for so long...i was really primarily confused, totally upset...and it seemed like he just moved on and was fine. i'm sure that wasn't totally the case...and we talked from time to time, and thought about getting back together like a year later but it just never happened...we had already ended it in our hearts i guess. but i never really UNDERSTOOD what happened and why he pulled away and gave up on us. it bugged me for years because sometimes you just want some sort of 'definitive' answer as to why things happen. but often times you don't get that, such is life.

LD is hard..and if both people aren't totally mentally committed to it, it's even harder. one person can't hold it together. i don't know what else to say other than reading your story i remembered how i felt like i was the only one trying in that old relationship and he was living his life and realizing it was probably okay without me in it...he was experiencing all sorts of new great things in his life at college, he was a star basketball player on a scholarship so he was on top of the world.

anyway, good luck but honestly....if things do not improve and he doesn't want to work at it, what else can you really do? please do not wait around too long for him to come to his senses and waste too much of your own precious life time.

 

[basil]

How much longer are you going to be long distance? What is he doing that is making him so busy - school of some sort?

Fiance and I are long distance, for the past 8 months and for the next two years. It takes a lot of attention and a lot of work. We both have busy jobs (sometimes 80 hours per week) but they are jobs that don''t necessarily require a lot of work outside of work. I can imagine it would have been a lot harder when we were in school - class hours are short but I always felt that nearly every other moment I "should" be studying. With that mentality, anyone''s visit can become a burden. He probably expects that he will have to be with you (and not work) for the entire time you''re there, and it may really not be realistic. Maybe compromise and offer you''ll leave him alone during the day and entertain yourself, then hang out at night.

If he''s really pulling away, though, and it''s more than just being really stressed out over his work, then like Mara said there is basically nothing you can do. No relationship can survive if one person doesn''t really care enough to work at it, no matter what distance.

 

[MustangFan]

Frist off, I''m so sorry you are experiencing this.

I am an LD veteran, I was with my FI for 5 years 2.5 years LD and two year living together and and 8 months LD again.

We saw each other every couple of months as we were fortunate enough he had those many weeks vacation living in Europe.
We met online, I''m an American and he was British and it was two lost souls when we met everything just clicked and I had to wait till I finished high school to be with him. When we actually lived together things died down quiet a bit and I started to feel that I had experience any other love maybe he wasn''t the guy I was supposed to end up with. I lived in England with no car in the middle of a village. I became resentful that he could take his time to drop me off in the morning, you know that I go the other way. I felt lost and lonely living in a country where I only knew one person. After two years I decided to move back home and go to school here. He didn''t like that, wanted us to talk on the phone the same time everyday for an hour and I didn''t want to compromise with him, I didn''t want to feel like I had to drop everything I was doing to call him or be there waiting for his call. He would badger me almost everyday to come back and try it again, I said what for? I can''t work, I can''t go to school there.. In the end he didn''t want to move back here and give up his job because he had it for a really long time and would be giving up a good pention, so something had to give and I broke it off with him. I felt so guilty, I broke his heart, and broke my promise as a FI. I went to the first guy that paid attention to me, which was a real waste of time. After that I met a nice guy, whom I dated for a while, but missed the spark so much with my LD FI, and a year later, I met Mike and we have been together for 1.5 years and soon I''ll be a FI again.

LD is not impossible, but it''s another dimension in a relationship that can be tough, like someone said if both parties don''t have their heart in soul in it, it makes it all more difficult. You have to talk with him, do you want to continue because it''s not fair on me or us. For most of those 8 months I didn''t want to believe that my mind walked away from the relationship, I should have ended it sooner, and I''m telling you this because if his mind is out of the relatioship already it''s not fair to you and you could be missing the greatest guy in the world for you, because he''s hanging on for selfish reasons.

I don''t want to make you more upset than you already are, but try to get the truth out of him, see if you can make it work or let him allow for you to move on.

I''m here for a hug
And I hope that you make progress soon!

 

[FarFarAway]

Thank you ladies so much for your responses. I did get a chance to talk to him after our initial fight and basically explained to him that a) I have been feeling like I am no long A priority (I do not think I need to be the biggest priority, but I should be a priority nonetheless), and b) that I didn''t need him to spend every moment with me when I am there, but it crushed me that he asked "Can you stay with friends?"

Yes, he''s in school, and he has a habit of procrastinating until the last minute and worry that he''ll fail. I guess I am sick of having to go through these up and down periods with him since it completely affects our relationship and the time we get to spend with each other. I told him this as well.

Reaction: Not good. He got very upset that he was making me feel this way, and he''s very upset that I am making him feel bad about studying and working at the same time. He doesn''t know what to do because all of him wants to spend time with me, but his head is telling him that he NEEDS to do the work. When I said "Maybe you just don''t have time for the relationship" he basically exploded and got very sad and defensive.

*sigh* I don''t know what to do anymore. I don''t want to just walk away, because this feels SO temporary. He''s never like this usually. But at the same time, if this is how its going to be for the next few YEARS while he''s in school, then I don''t know how I am going to fare.

I would move closer, but I have my own work and job and school here that I cannot get away from. Also, i don''t know if me moving closer would even help the situation, since he''ll still be stressed, and short on time.

We were talking about marriage and engagement a few months ago, and now im thinking about letting it all walk away from me.

 

[neatfreak]

My boyfriend and I are also in graduate school and while we live with each other, it sometimes feels like we have no time to see each other as it is. Graduate school can be one of the most stressful times in someone''s life and I think it''s a time when many couples either make it or break it FAST.

That being said, we both work, AND make sure to have time for each other. It might not be as much as we''d like, and sometimes it doesn''t work out, but we try to make the time. A few of my friends are in LD relationships and when their SO calls and says "Surprise! I''m coming to visit" their initial thought is ALWAYS "I''m so excited!!!", then a secondary thought (not shared with their SO) is "Oh darn. I have a LOT to do, how am I going to get it all done?". But they make it work. If you''re offering to come visit and he asks you to stay with a friend instead of saying "I really want to see you, but I have a lot of work I''ll have to be doing too", that raises red flags in my mind that something else is really going on.

I had an X who really broke my heart when he gave me a load of **** about thinking that he was too busy to pursue the relationship. Instead of just telling me it wasn''t working, he kept me strung along for 3 months and it was a horrible breakup. One thing I learned from that relationship is that once one person stops trying, it just isn''t going to get better. Not to say that''s whats happening here, but if it is, you''ll be better off in the long run if you make a clean break.

It sounds like you''re trying your best to make it work, but if he isn''t, there isn''t anything you can do. Maybe if you wait a few days he can sort out how he is really feeling and whether he just is taking his stress out on you or whether he really doesn''t feel as if he can be in the relationahip. It seems like such a shame to let something good go so easily, so hopefully he is just really stressed and some people can handle stress better than others. Lets hope that he''s just having a bad week.

Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you guys. You know we''re here in case you need to vent!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 3/3/2007 1:15:20 PM
Author: neatfreak

That being said, we both work, AND make sure to have time for each other. It might not be as much as we''d like, and sometimes it doesn''t work out, but we try to make the time. A few of my friends are in LD relationships and when their SO calls and says ''Surprise! I''m coming to visit'' their initial thought is ALWAYS ''I''m so excited!!!'', then a secondary thought (not shared with their SO) is ''Oh darn. I have a LOT to do, how am I going to get it all done?''. But they make it work. If you''re offering to come visit and he asks you to stay with a friend instead of saying ''I really want to see you, but I have a lot of work I''ll have to be doing too'', that raises red flags in my mind that something else is really going on.

i was thinking the same thing too.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think I''m one of the PS resident long distances queens. It''s all I have ever known in my adult dating life. The first one was about 6 years on and off from CA to NJ. The second one was 3 years from CA to Australia. I married the second guy.

I think for long distance to work, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel - and it can''t be a train! From what I have heard, women are much better at long distance than men - for men it is a lot more work. If they don''t see a clear, tangible goal, I think they often wonder "why I am doing this?" With the NJ guy, neither of us wanted to move. As all LD, we started out strong, and then he began to suspiciously sound like your guy as his life continued to evolve and grow richer without me. He had friends who I really didn''t know, new hobbies, new job, and a social life that was a lot more appealing than just sitting and home and talking to me. I simply became less of a priority and an effort that didn''t have a whole lot of immediate return.

With TGuy, as much as we do love each other, I have no doubt that the relationship would have died if he didn''t find out early on he was a winner for further processing in the Green Card lottery. We started long distance in July of 03 (having met and traveled together on and off from Feb-April 03). By March 04, we were starting to feel the strain and wondering why we were doing this when there wasn''t any real way of us being able to be together in the near future. But we were still in denial and unable to give up the fun of talking and communicating. That probably would have only been fun for a few more months, but in April 04, he got the letter from the consulate center that he had won. That pumped energy into our relationship, as we realized that we could actually be together if we wanted. Processing would take another year, and in that year it STILL wasn''t easy. After he visited me in April 04, we went a 7 month stretch without seeing each other and he nearly lost sight of why he was doing all this work. He actually got cold feet and told me he wasn''t coming to America. Fortunately his friends intervened and gave him some great advice, and we both worked really hard to get us over the finish line, and that included me giving him some space. Sometimes we would go a couple of weeks without a phone call (easy to do with the time difference).

I''d never wish LD on anyone. I hope yours survives, but as someone says, you can''t shoulder the relationship alone. It causes bitterness and quite a bit of despair. And if it does die, it''s often a slow, miserable death. If he continues to pull away, don''t be like me and deny that you still matter. If I had admitted to myself I was simply no longer a priority in my first LD, I would have saved myself a lot of good years in my 20s.

Good luck!

 

[firebirdgold]

Have you tried emailing and IMing each other? You can increase the communication and feeling of being connected without having to have set times to talk on the phone. Perhaps a less structured approach is what''s needed.

 

[poptart]

I second the IMing and emailing. I also agree with TGal about having a goal in sight. DH and I were long distance for about a year before I moved, and are currently LD for another couple of months until his deployment is over. It is rough and not fun at all, but you have to find ways to make time for each other. I also am a firm believer in backing up your words with your actions. If he says he wants to talk to you more, then he should find a way to make that possible. It sounds like he is just coming up with excuses instead of thinking of solutions. Like, since I can''t talk on the phone for very long today, I will email you after work, or something like that. There are always other alternatives if you are willing to look for them. And with today''s ability of massive communication choices, you can always find SOME way to get in contact with someone. I''ve said this before, but I think hand written letters are very good for relationships because they show that you took time out of your day and it''s much more personal. Maybe not talking to him for a couple of days will help you decide whether or not there is sunlight and not a train light at the end of the tunnel. But I think if you are beginning to feel that you aren''t at least one of his top priorities, then you owe it to yourself to find someone else who WILL make you a top priority. And I don''t want to sound like doomsday girl over here, but LD''s really are hard, and when one little thing goes wrong... missed phone call, someone being too busy, etc., it can really mess up your entire day, and I think it''s always important to stop and reevaluate your relationships, especially if it''s LD because you are instantly taking on so many more issues.

*M*

 

[cherry_vanilla]

I 3rd/4th/nth the suggestions to switch to IM or emails. I''m not in a LDR but some days/weeks I am so overwhelmed and stressed from my schoolwork it''s next to impossible to fit in boyfriend time. I don''t know if he''s undergrad or grad, in the midst of midterms or a thesis to write, but just from my own experiences if I was in an LDR and my boyfriend wanted to surprise visit a week I had exams and labs due I would also react negatively. Not that I wouldn''t want to see him, but like neatfreak said more like "ohmygod how am I going to keep him from feeling abandoned while I have to study I hope he doesn''t expect to do much before I get this term paper written" etc etc. Are you two in different fields? My boyfriend graduated a few years ago with a liberal arts degree, and our definitions of "busy with schoolwork" are a world apart (and I''m still trying to get him to not be so nervous with all my coding all-nighters, since he never had to pull them like I do

)

I don''t think suggesting to stay with a friend is a red flag per say, assuming you do have friends in the area or at the same school it would probably the best way he could still see you without having to feel like he has to entertain 24/7 you when he really can''t with all his schoolwork, you know? Of course, if he meant "visit friends instead of seeing me at all" I''d have to agree that''s not so good.

When is his spring break? I''d take a stab that once that rolls around, his stress level should decrease significantly so you can talk to the "real" boyfriend and not the "panicpanicschoolworkARGH!" boyfriend.

 

[lovebug]

You should always be a priority. That should be the number one thing on your check-list of guys. Seriously. He may be young and in school, but you really need to be and feel like you are a priority to him. That''s what we all deserve. There are too many men in the world to settle for one who treats you like 2nd best. I would say cut your losses and you can meet someone who deserves you and someone who loves you and treats you like #1. Just my two cents. I know it is so much easier said than done!

 

[FarFarAway]

Hi ladies, thank you so much for all your advice. Here''s an update:

I talked to SO again and basically told him that I understood that he was busy and I understood that he''s been very nervous about all his work. But at the same time, I felt like I was beginning to shift lower and lower on his priorities list. I can take a back seat every once in a while, but this had been going on for a few weeks now, and all I would like is for him to balance his work as well as his personal life a bit better.

As I was telling him this, I began to get very upset and I started to cry at the very end. He didn''t say very much for a while, but then teold me that I should come like I planned and that he will work his butt off to make it happen. He doesn''t care what it took, but he''ll make it happen, because I was the most important thing in his life and nothing makes him more sad than for me to be sad. And that he''ll do anything to make it perfect for us.

I told him that I want him to be happy too, and I just wanted to be by his side for a bit, and he can still get work done, but just let me be close by. He told me to come and he will do everything in his power to make it work

So I went. And it was wonderful to spend time with him, even though he was working. I did some shopping (yay) and hung out a bit by myself, but true to his work, he did everything he could to spend time with me and made it work.

Again, thanks to you ladies

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/3/2007 12:50:07 PM
Author: FarFarAway
Also, i don''t know if me moving closer would even help the situation, since he''ll still be stressed, and short on time.

My husband and I did LD for many months before we married... and for 6 months while he was overseas after we were married. I am a pretty strong believer in LD either makes you or breaks you. You either feel so compelled to be together that you make it happen... or it just lingers on without anyone wanting to end it until there''s just nothing left to save. In our case being apart sucked so bad we decided to get married despite the fact that we were only 18 and 20 when we made that decision (and barely 19 and 21 when we did it). The six months of marriage SUCKED ROCKS because he was soooo busy. He was in a school that consumed 105 (I just counted!!!) hours a week and was not getting enough sleep and was so grumpy (read @$$-^0!3). I tell myself we should have waited until he was done, but who is to know what that sort of schedule would have done to us long distance?

If you trust him and you want to be with him, then you need to be patient. No woman ever wants to hear that they have to take second place - and if you NEED him you shouldn''t take second place... but a supportive woman knows when to step aside and allow herself to be second place for a time in order for other things to take priority. This only works with trust.

if you don''t trust him, you need to get out of the relationship.

If you trust him but you aren''t sure this is working for you, you need to seriously consider getting out of the relationship.

Relationships that you feel 100% about can take enough toll... there is no need to invest in something you''re uncertain of. My experience is that guys that "might" be the one generally aren''t. If you are young and uncertain, I''d let it go... if it is right it will come back when the time is right. If you are certain he''s *the one* then be strong and give him the time and space to deal with all of this. Just be careful he isn''t spending his spare time shooting pool and ignoring you. That would get the boot!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/17/2007 8:56:48 PM
Author: FarFarAway

I told him that I want him to be happy too, and I just wanted to be by his side for a bit, and he can still get work done, but just let me be close by. He told me to come and he will do everything in his power to make it work

So I went. And it was wonderful to spend time with him, even though he was working. I did some shopping (yay) and hung out a bit by myself, but true to his work, he did everything he could to spend time with me and made it work.

Again, thanks to you ladies

excellent!!!