Marrying a Catholic...need advice!

[inlove1982]

Here's a little background to my dilemma...

I was raised Pentecostal but since I moved out and was living on my own, I don't practice any religion. FI is Catholic (as is his whole family) and I do not have a problem getting married in a Catholic church. HOWEVER, my grandparents (who are Pentecostal & VERY religious) have informed me that if I marry in a Catholic church, they will not attend the ceremony! This is extremely hurtful to me for many obvious reasons and, as well, because they raised me from the time I was six, I had always planned to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle. We don't have a very large family so for the two parental figures in my life to not attend would be very obvious and a slap in the face to me, my fiance and his family.

Since I don't have a problem which church we get married in, and FI's family is paying for the wedding, I think they should respect all parties and come but they keep insisting they wont. Any advice on how to handle this??

PLEASE HELP!!

 

[february2003bride]

Do you have a good relationship with your future in-laws? I would sit down with them, and your FI, and explain the situation. See if there is a common ground that will make both sides happy. I know it's very easy to say "Tough! It's your wedding, if they don't show it's their own fault" but its obvious that it's important to you to have your Grandpa walk you down the aisle and I would stress that to your inlaws.

Also, just because they are paying does not mean they have 100% say over when and where your wedding is. I know that both sides wont sit down together, but can you do it seperately?

 

[lucyandroger]

Do you have a good relationship with your future in-laws? I would sit down with them, and your FI, and explain the situation. See if there is a common ground that will make both sides happy. I know it's very easy to say "Tough! It's your wedding, if they don't show it's their own fault" but its obvious that it's important to you to have your Grandpa walk you down the aisle and I would stress that to your inlaws.

Also, just because they are paying does not mean they have 100% say over when and where your wedding is. I know that both sides wont sit down together, but can you do it seperately?

Ditto.

Another option is to have your wedding at a non-religious venue and then have the marriage blessed at each church.

 

[zipzapgirl]

What about your Fiance? Is the Catholic part important to him?

 

[chemgirl]

What about your Fiance? Is the Catholic part important to him?

Exactly this. If he is religious it might be very important to HIM to get married in the church. I'm a non practicing Catholic and it sorta bothers me that I'm getting married in a non-religious ceremony. Some of my more religious relatives actually don't consider it a "real" marriage because there will not be a priest in attendance (I think it will be very real, just saying that some people view it this way).

If he's not very religious I think you could try coming up with a compromise...if he is...then I think you're pretty stuck and will have to try to get your grandparents to come around. Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic religion and there is a lot of tradition surrounding it. A civil ceremony or a non-catholic religious ceremony doesn't "count" as a sacrament in the Catholic religion. It doesn't seem like much of a distinction, because you'll legally be married regardless. However, it really matters to some Catholics.

I don't have any suggestions regarding your grandparents other than a calm and rational talk with them. Let them know how much it means to have them there.

 

[violet3]

i married a catholic, so i hear ya. However, here's my question....where i live, we couldn't have been married in the catholic church because i am not catholic - his church wouldn't have allowed it. I was glad, because i wouldn't have been married there - and granted my family wouldn't have "boycotted" the wedding, but they also wouldn't have been able to take communion.

I'm episcopal - we call it catholic light - we are not that different. When we decided to go with my church, the minister really pushed for a communion service - we declined. I knew that our church would welcome his family in communion, but that they wouldn't take communion in the epsicopal church and vice versa. So we did no communion - and i know that had it not been december, we wouldn't have been married in a church....we would have been married on the beach where we live.

 

[inlove1982]

Well FI has said that he doesn't mind, he'll do it wherever I want as long as I'm happy. My issue is that my grandparents can be VERY controlling and I just feel like this is just the beginning of it. If we decide to change the location of the ceremony, then it'll just continue on from there. I'm not sure how FI's parents would feel but I think it's a good idea to first talk to my FI and then to his parents. I just don't understand why it's such a big deal for them to just come. I think the most confusing thing to me is that they attending my sisters' wedding that was at a different church/religion and they didn't have a problem with that so it seems it is only the Catholic aspect that is bothering them.
I think if a family loves you for you and unconditionally, they should let you do what you want and where you want. I do want my grandpa to walk me down the aisle, however, not at the expense of causing possible problems within both families.

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

Are you able to get married in the Catholic church? I too am marrying a Catholic...and am Pentecostal. I was under the impression that we could not get married in the Catholic church because I am not Catholic.

We are most likely going to get married at the same venue as the reception. If not, we may choose a Pentecostal church or even a non-denominational church. To me, being ordained by a pastor is important, and the ceremony itself will be Christian.

I'm sorry you're going through this stress. It's a shame that something so momentous can be hindered by religious bickering. I hope things work out for the best. I'm sure your grandparents will come around with whatever you choose. Maybe you guys can have a serious heart to heart. Good luck.

 

[Anonymous]

Firstly, I am sorry that the family is being so difficult about this!

Getting to the Catholic marriage thing, I'm engaged to a practicing "cradle Catholic". I was raised and baptized Baptist, but my maternal grandmother and great grandmother were both Catholic. Anyhow...my FMIL has a really strong connection to the church. As such, she encouraged us to attend. We did, and it has greatly enriched our lives to the point of me making the decision to take RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) classes and convert to Catholicism.

This is NOT a requirement to marry in the Catholic church where I'm at. A non-Catholic christian may marry a Catholic in the church with permission from the church itself. I will say this. There's quite a bit of "red tape". If you have been married before, the red tape increases by a LOT. I'm in the process of trying to have my first marriage annulled so that we can marry in the church. It's a very rewarding experience, it just requires a lot of patience and perseverance.

Personally, I'd start by sitting down and talking to your FI about what the two of YOU really want. Do you want to baptize your children (if you plan to have them) in the Catholic church? How important is it to your FI to share the sacrament of marriage in the way that it would be in the church? After you two have an idea of what YOU want for your wedding, and your future, then you'll know what to do.

Anyhow, I don't know if that answers your questions, but feel free to ask anything else. Good luck!

ETA: Regarding Catholics marrying non-Catholics, they actually have to sign an oath saying they will not try to force you to convert. So they definitely respect other religions. HTH!

 

[kagordo4]

Firstly, I am sorry that the family is being so difficult about this!

Getting to the Catholic marriage thing, I'm engaged to a practicing "cradle Catholic". I was raised and baptized Baptist, but my maternal grandmother and great grandmother were both Catholic. Anyhow...my FMIL has a really strong connection to the church. As such, she encouraged us to attend. We did, and it has greatly enriched our lives to the point of me making the decision to take RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) classes and convert to Catholicism.

This is NOT a requirement to marry in the Catholic church where I'm at. A non-Catholic christian may marry a Catholic in the church with permission from the church itself. I will say this. There's quite a bit of "red tape". If you have been married before, the red tape increases by a LOT. I'm in the process of trying to have my first marriage annulled so that we can marry in the church. It's a very rewarding experience, it just requires a lot of patience and perseverance.

Personally, I'd start by sitting down and talking to your FI about what the two of YOU really want. Do you want to baptize your children (if you plan to have them) in the Catholic church? How important is it to your FI to share the sacrament of marriage in the way that it would be in the church? After you two have an idea of what YOU want for your wedding, and your future, then you'll know what to do.

Anyhow, I don't know if that answers your questions, but feel free to ask anything else. Good luck!

ETA: Regarding Catholics marrying non-Catholics, they actually have to sign an oath saying they will not try to force you to convert. So they definitely respect other religions. HTH!

To marry a non-Catholic the Catholic must get permission from the Archdiocese. The priest will usually take care of this for you, but the Catholic must agree to raise your children as Catholics.

Anyway... have you considered asking your Fi's priest for advice? Maybe he would allow for a secondary blessing from a different pastor during the ceremony to help ease your grandparent's minds? I hope things work out, O.P.

 

[lulu66]

my advice is to first sit down with FI and decide where both of you stand on the importance of the ceremony taking place in the a) Catholic church b) in A church c) as a civil ceremony. once you all have come to an agreement, i would bring his family into the discussion. and if you are leaning toward a Catholic ceremony (or any sort of Christian ceremony) contact your FI (or his family's) priest. go from there, hopefully is you do decide to go ahead w/the Catholic ceremony at that point the priest can guide you in some ways to make your family members okay with the ceremony. what exactly are their objections specifically?


as for a non-Catholic marrying a Catholic, it is acceptable, you can be married with in the church; it does require permission but is not hard to get. it does get increasingly difficult if the non-Catholic marries someone who has never been baptized (which i assume is not your case). i have heard of some priests "refusing" so sometimes this requires seeking out several priests or contacting the bishop of your diocese. also, there are some priests who agree to co-officiate over a ceremony that takes place in another faith community. this (i believe) is subjective to the priest whether or not they would agree to this, so if that's a route you want to follow, you may have to contact several priests & share your story. (i believe) that the ceremony would not be counted as a sacrament, if that's important to your FI. and i think you would be eligible to have a Convalidiation ceremony in the Church, so that the Catholic Church recognizes your marriage (again, i would check with a priest or bishop for the specifics).

i'm sorry you all are going through this & hope that you can find a happy resolution for everyone involved.

 

[chemgirl]

Firstly, I am sorry that the family is being so difficult about this!

Getting to the Catholic marriage thing, I'm engaged to a practicing "cradle Catholic". I was raised and baptized Baptist, but my maternal grandmother and great grandmother were both Catholic. Anyhow...my FMIL has a really strong connection to the church. As such, she encouraged us to attend. We did, and it has greatly enriched our lives to the point of me making the decision to take RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) classes and convert to Catholicism.

This is NOT a requirement to marry in the Catholic church where I'm at. A non-Catholic christian may marry a Catholic in the church with permission from the church itself. I will say this. There's quite a bit of "red tape". If you have been married before, the red tape increases by a LOT. I'm in the process of trying to have my first marriage annulled so that we can marry in the church. It's a very rewarding experience, it just requires a lot of patience and perseverance.

Personally, I'd start by sitting down and talking to your FI about what the two of YOU really want. Do you want to baptize your children (if you plan to have them) in the Catholic church? How important is it to your FI to share the sacrament of marriage in the way that it would be in the church? After you two have an idea of what YOU want for your wedding, and your future, then you'll know what to do.

Anyhow, I don't know if that answers your questions, but feel free to ask anything else. Good luck!

ETA: Regarding Catholics marrying non-Catholics, they actually have to sign an oath saying they will not try to force you to convert. So they definitely respect other religions. HTH!

To marry a non-Catholic the Catholic must get permission from the Archdiocese. The priest will usually take care of this for you, but the Catholic must agree to raise your children as Catholics.

Anyway... have you considered asking your Fi's priest for advice? Maybe he would allow for a secondary blessing from a different pastor during the ceremony to help ease your grandparent's minds? I hope things work out, O.P.

Exactly! My dad's not Catholic and my Mom is. They were married in a Catholic church. They agreed that my sister and I would be raised Catholic and they had to have a few private sessions with the priest.

 

[anchor31]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Things like this make me so sad... I always say that Christian churches are like spaghetti sauce; they have different recipes, but in the end it's all spaghetti sauce and we all believe in the same thing.

I know they do joint ceremonies in the Catholic church, and both a Catholic priest and (in your case) a Pentecostal pastor (reverent? sorry, I'm not familiar with this church) preside. Would your grandparents accept this compromise? Or, would your ILs, despite the fact that they are paying for the wedding, be ok with you marrying the the Pentecostal church?

 

[yssie]

Well, I'll be the odd one out and say that I strongly believe that the people who are paying do get the final say on everything that they are paying for. Yes, they could be more understanding, but they're under no obligation to be if they're the only ones opening their wallets.


If you and/or your FI are uncomfortable with the plans, wait until you can afford your own wedding and do exactly as you want.

 

[Magenta]

I know they do joint ceremonies in the Catholic church, and both a Catholic priest and (in your case) a Pentecostal pastor (reverent? sorry, I'm not familiar with this church) preside. Would your grandparents accept this compromise? Or, would your ILs, despite the fact that they are paying for the wedding, be ok with you marrying the the Pentecostal church?

This is a good idea.

We, personally, said that we were having a non-religious ceremony in a non-religious place, and didn't confide any of the details of the ceremony to the people who would complain the most. Given the similarities of the Catholic and Protestant faiths, could you craft a ceremony that includes things common to both beliefs, and skip the bits that raise problems (like communion)? And not hold the ceremony in a church? Presumably a Protestant would be happy to marry you under such conditions.

 

[Magenta]

My issue is that my grandparents can be VERY controlling and I just feel like this is just the beginning of it. If we decide to change the location of the ceremony, then it'll just continue on from there.

If this is the case, you'd better get used to saying no early. My mother in law's the same, and continued to wreak havoc throughout the day (including introducing me to the photographer paid for by my family - huh? - and then demanding every combination of posed shots with her family, beyond what we'd asked for). It seemed there was little point in saying yes to some of her wishes - she wouldn't be any more tolerable for any we said no to. This was different to what I was expecting, and I hope you don't end up facing the same situation with your grandparents.

There's a great post on offbeatbride about saying no, which you might find useful.

 

[nkarma]

Well, I'll be the odd one out and say that I strongly believe that the people who are paying do get the final say on everything that they are paying for. Yes, they could be more understanding, but they're under no obligation to be if they're the only ones opening their wallets.


If you and/or your FI are uncomfortable with the plans, wait until you can afford your own wedding and do exactly as you want.

Agreed. Also, I know you want your grandparents there but it seems it is actually their decision not to come. You think it is somehow your decision but they are the ones threatening you. I would do whatever you and your FI want to do.

AND I was raised Catholic and echo others regarding whether you are even able to get married by a Catholic priest. Maybe there is some loophole I am not aware of, but I have never ever heard of a person who did not convert and go through the sacraments be married by a real Catholic priest.

 

[inlove1982]

The priest is a very good & long time friend of my FI's family so I know that he doesn't have a problem marrying us, without me converting to their religion. I actually was a part of the Pentecostal church for most of my life up until I was 19 or so and I chose to leave and I completely don't believe in the faith anymore so I wouldn't feel comfortable getting married in their church or by that pastor (a friend of my grandparents).
Just to clear up: my future IL's are NOT pressuring us to get married in a Catholic church, it hasn't even been discussed.

I spoke with my grandma and I let her know how I felt about this situation and how I thought it was incredibly selfish of them to try to threaten me with not attending if I did not change the location of the ceremony. I told her how it seemed hypocritical of them to say they wouldn't attend my ceremony b/c it's not in a Pentecostal church (or in a non-religious ceremony), and just four years ago she attended my sisters' wedding which was at a Christian church (non Penetecostal). I told her that this was NOT her wedding and while I can understand why they want me to be married by their pastor and in their church, that because I am not a part of that church anymore, I didn't feel like it was right.

I am going to discuss this more at length with my FI (he was gone for the weekend when this blew up!) and see if there isn't a compromise here. From the text messages back and forth between us, it sounds like he just wants me to be happy with the wedding and does not want people stressing me out. He said we can get married where we want, and if it makes more sense to keep both families happy, we might just do a non-religious ceremony. I just have to see how his family would react to that too. So stressed already and we have been engaged for only a little over a week!

On a positive note, his mother has been so helpful already and both of his parents are so supportive of us and every time I ask for any opinions, they just keep insisting that it's our wedding and our decision..they just want us to be happy I am lucky!

 

[StonieGrl]

This is not an issue of under what religion to marry.


What struck me immediately in your post is the cruelty of what your grandparents are doing. They are bottom-lining, ultimatum-ing you, they are lowering the hammer, and if your first reaction is to think they aren't, read your post: If I don't _____________, they will withhold their love, support and presence at my wedding from me.

What will you do when they do this when your first child is born? If you don't have the baby by this time/name it this name/christen it here, we won't ________________.

Or when you want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas somewhere other than their place?

There is an infinite list of events/excuses that this bottom-lining will happen over.

I am very familiar with this malignant narcissist behavior because this is how I was raised, one ultimatum and bottom line after another using either money or their love and support. The last time I let this happen my father told me: If you don't divorce (name), don't plan on ever seeing us again. I walked away and never looked back. My marriage and my life has been great.

Your g-parents are demanding/requiring that they be the most important entities in your life and now your marriage. I hope that is NOT okay with you and most certainly your future husband. To them, you are merely an extension or appendage of them and as such, must do what they way, when they say. You are a thing, not a living soul with a destiny of your own.

You should consider deciding pretty soon who you take your marching orders from: The G-parents or you. You're going to be a wife and possibly a mother, don't let them Borg you with this malignant behavior. Yes, they raised you, they don't own you/did not buy you.

GOOD LUCK and I hope you keep your self-esteem working in YOUR favor. I didn't wise up to this garbage until I was in my 40s. Do better than I did!!

 

[inlove1982]

@StonieGirl

Yes I completely realise that it is inappropriate & incredibly selfish of what they are asking me to do. And I have told them this and let them know that if they don't want to come, then that is on THEM and for them to regret, not me. It's one of the most selfish things they've ever done/threatened to do and that just made me tell them "Fine. That is your choice that you will have to live with."

I feel like they are bending a little though and could possibly show up. I think they realise how important this day is to me.

It's so strange because I can see how they are and how they raised us and as great of a job they did on most parts, this kind of behaviour is not going to be passed down to my children. I would only want the best for my kids, no matter where they wanted to get married. Communication is a HUGE problem in our family but I've already had countless discussions with my FI about how I want to raise our children differently.

I think one of the things that shocked me most was my sisters advice when I explained the situation to her......she thought I should just do whatever they wanted, to make them happy!

I really hope I can resolve this and soon but I have a feeling this will continually be an issue up until the week before the wedding, if not the day before or day of! And it's worse because I am living with them until we buy a house in the summer.

Thanks for all your suggestions, comments & advice ladies! Keep 'em coming!

 

[StonieGrl]

You have your head on straight, good for you, you will do just fine here.

yes, re your sister, she is one of the "peace at any price" family members.

If you google Anna Valerious/malignant narcissists, she has a great archive of her blogs regarding being a family member of a MN. It is helpful because people fortunate enough NOT to have been raised with this type of illness, they don't understand what a MN family member goes through.

Best wishes to you and your fiance, happiness to you both on your special day.

 

[JGator]

Hi, I am a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic/non-Christian Hindu. We are getting married in the Catholic church with a shorter ceremony which does not include the full Mass and will not include Communion. You and your family may be more comfortable opting for this option. If you do get married in the Catholic church, you will need to meet with a priest a few times for marriage preparation and attend a 1-day Engaged Encounter with other engaged couples. I believe since my fiance is not a baptised Christian, the bishop of our diocese has to approve it, but our priest said that more than 50% of couples getting married in the church today are not both Catholic, and this is just a formality that he will take care of. The requirements for marriage that we discussed are that the Catholic has to agree that he/she will raise the Children Catholic, you also need to be open to children, and be coming into the marriage out of your own free will and not already be married.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Your grandparents either

1. really want you to get married in their church

OR

2. really hate the Catholic church


They are being selfish at best and manipulative at worst. I recommend that you find out their real reason for this ultimatum so you can decide on your solution. That being said, I would not have eliminated faith from our marriage ceremony for ANYONE. The type of church didn't matter to me - it was a Methodist church even though my husband and I attend Baptist churches usually. I would not have given up that aspect of our ceremony to accommodate someone's bigoted viewpoints. I also don't see someone with any sense being happier with a no-faith ceremony than a Catholic one if religion is important to them, so I don't know that that would be a solution to your problem.

Good luck to you in getting this all sorted out. Older people can sometimes be just really set in their opinions, even when they're generally kind and loving. They must be important to you or you wouldn't be so concerned about this, so I hope you can reach an understanding.