Married colleagues seem excessively close

[La2020]

I observed that two of my married coworkers have developed a very strong bond after collaborating on an event. They frequently share breakfast, occasionally have lunch together, and consistently share their meals during team outings.

They exhibit a close and affectionate demeanor at work, akin to a couple - laughing and giggling together like a new couple. Both of them do not exhibit such behaviour towards the rest of the team

Both individuals are married and have children.

Would it concern you if you discovered that your partner had a similarly close relationship with a colleague?

 

[seaurchin]

Well, I doubt many people would like their spouse to have an affair with a co-worker, which is what this sounds like, or at least headed that way.

Having to witness something like that can be very uncomfortable for everyone else, too. It can bring the whole team down. And of course it's likely to end in disaster.

 

[dk168]

For the majority of those in gainful employment, they spend a significant amount of their waking hours working and in contact with their co-workers.

Therefore, it is not uncommon for feelings to develop and for relationships to form.

Unless I am good friends with their respective partners, I would leave them alone as it is none of my business.

If I were good friends with their respective partners, then I would have a quiet word about being a bit more discreet etc., however, it is still none of my business.

DK 03-Nov-2023

 

[La2020]

I feel very uncomfortable, both of them seem to be in an exclusive “bubble” of their own.

I don’t know if I am overthinking that they are taking a first step; edging closer to having a physical or emotional affair.

I suspect that aside from me, my boss also did a double take when he observed them sharing meals during our team lunch but of course he said nothing too.

This sets me thinking, how would you know if your spouse also does similar things at work. Especially since most will turn a blind eye to such.

 

[dk168]

This sets me thinking, how would you know if your spouse also does similar things at work. Especially since most will turn a blind eye to such.

Trust and honesty comes into play IMHO!

DK 03-Nov-2023

 

[Austina]

I always think that in these situations, it’s better to say nothing.

The one exception would be if I saw my best friend’s husband up to no good, then I’d make sure he knew I’d seen him.

3rd Nov 23

 

[LilAlex]

Both individuals are married and have children.

Wait is this a riddle? In know: they are married to each other!

 

[La2020]

Wait is this a riddle? In know: they are married to each other!

Hahaha it is not a trick question. They are not married to each other but acting like that in the office.

 

[yssie]

Maybe they have open relationships with their spouses.
Maybe they’re both getting divorced.
Maybe they’re close friends and your and your boss’ reactions are misguided.
Maybe they’re having an affair.

The only thing that’s certain is that it’s none of your business. Unless you have a close personal relationship with any of the parties involved - I see no virtue in doing anything besides staying out of it.

Nov 3, 2023

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

maybe they are just work besties
i would personally leave well enough alone
it may all come out in the wash anyhow
nov 4 2023

 

[stracci2000]

11/4/23
There is always lots of screwing around in the workplace.
I would just observe from a distance.

 

[seaurchin]

I think it’s very unprofessional and most likely also very unfair to their spouses (and children).

I wouldn’t want to get involved in other people’s personal issues who I don’ t know well, but I would think less of cheaters and wouldn’t tell anyone else not to follow whatever their own conscience led them to do about it.

I don’t think cheaters are owed any special protection (if that’s what they turn out to be for sure). If they are both in open relationships or both couples have already agreed to divorce, then being informed just wouldn’t mayter to the spouses, but that doesn’t seem all that likely.

I think the truth usually comes out in the end. They could slip up and get caught; confess, for various reasons; someone else could tell, for various reasons; one of them could decide they want more from the other and slyly let the other ones partner know, etc.

Then they’ll have the fallout to deal with and most likely wish they’d handled their business far more honorably in the first place and their misdeed could be remembered by spouses, kids and others for a very long time.

This is what I’ve mostly seen from the affairs I’ve known of through the years.

So to answer your question, I’d say that if there was ever anything you needed to know, that info. would probably find its way to you.

 

[missy]

There are two types of affairs. Physical and emotional. If the above coworkers are not having sex it still sounds as if they are having an affair. An emotional affair. But it is none of anyone's business but their respective families of course. Would it bother me? Hell yes. An emotional affair is still cheating. No question. Emotional intimacy is very intimate indeed

 

[RMOO]

To answer the actual question, I would say yes, it would bother me if my spouse had a similar relationship/friendship with a co-worker. The only thing that might temper my answer is if the co-worker was also a close friend of mine, and even in that situation, things can evolve into more if not careful.

 

[newdiamondworld]

What I find interesting is that what usually triggers us in others are our own insecurities... something that might not bother one person could stir up waves in another.
Everyone has their own life to deal with and their own lessons to learn.

What I would focus on is why it is evoking such strong feelings in me, and what insecurities and fears I personally need to address

 

[AdaBeta27]

11/4/23
There is always lots of screwing around in the workplace.
I would just observe from a distance.

Sorry, I could not help laughing. At a former workplace, there were two married couples in that office who socialized together and had kids in the same school system and on the same sports teams, etc. One day the office was shocked to learn both couples had already divorced, they had swapped spouses, and had married. They came to work on a Monday morning and announced it "so that the office gossips didn't have a fit when they read it in the marriage license section of the newspaper." Then they just went back to work while people were still standing there processing that. lol

 

[AdaBeta27]

... my boss also did a double take when he observed them sharing meals during our team lunch but of course he said nothing too. ...

Well, now it's the boss's problem to handle them, if they're disruptive to the workplace. And the boss may very well be working on that. But probably HR and legal have to decide the course of action to ensure that the employer isn't stepping into a potential lawsuit from the two employees.

 

[seaurchin]

What I find interesting is that what usually triggers us in others are our own insecurities... something that might not bother one person could stir up waves in another.
Everyone has their own life to deal with and their own lessons to learn.

What I would focus on is why it is evoking such strong feelings in me, and what insecurities and fears I personally need to address

Good points. I think this can hit others badly in several different ways.

The most direct way is by changing the dynamic in the workplace and possibly disrupting/distorting processes there. Which imo it is likely to do, at least to some extent. It reminds me of a boss I had who made close (platonic) buddies out of a couple of employees, for ex. It was clear that these favorites had more rights than everyone else. And boy, did they use it, sometimes when she wasn't looking, it seemed. But even if it hadn't been so blatant, other workers can feel like it would be wiser to defer to the boss's pets and they're probably right. Even if they were on equal level with everyone else and no boss involved, an affair is still an alliance of two, whereas everyone else stands alone. Not to mention the burden of keeping silent on something that would likely tear someone else's life apart, feeling like you're a silent co-conspirator while at the same time not wanting to involve yourself; a forced witness to it. Yuck.

And of course it illustrates in living color what can go on behind a spouse's back that they may have no earthly idea of. And who wants to think about that. Many of us married people have invested an enormous amount of our lives into our marriages: time, love, effort, money, children and so on. Often more, by far, than we've invested anywhere else. So it doesn't sit well to see someone sneakily threaten all that, with their partner not even given the respect of knowing what may be on the horizon for them, even if you feel on solid ground with your own situation.

Finally, although we all know that "life isn't fair," my feeling is most of us want it to be and don't like it when it's not. I'd think most of think it's deeply unfair to cheat on your spouse. And I think it's good that perceived serious wrongdoing against others rubs people the wrong way. To me, it's that same feeling I get if I see someone bully someone else or steal or whatever. (Also the obverse, if that's the right word, when something bad happens to someone who we think doesn't deserve it). It puts a nice feeling of order in our/my world when people don't get away with wrongdoing, and when people who do what they're supposed to do or more get rewarded for it. I feel like that tends to be a basic deep-seated attitude for us social creatures.

Personally, without even knowing these people or the background info., if I had to pick, I'd vote for them to be held accountable for their actions. And imo they probably will be, sooner or later. JMO

 

[stracci2000]

Sorry, I could not help laughing. At a former workplace, there were two married couples in that office who socialized together and had kids in the same school system and on the same sports teams, etc. One day the office was shocked to learn both couples had already divorced, they had swapped spouses, and had married. They came to work on a Monday morning and announced it "so that the office gossips didn't have a fit when they read it in the marriage license section of the newspaper." Then they just went back to work while people were still standing there processing that. lol

Haha, swingers!!!

 

[musicloveranthony]

I hope my partner has such meaningful relationships with people other than me

 

[seaurchin]

I hope my partner has such meaningful relationships with people other than me

Well sure, if both of their spouses know they are not in monogamous marriages and agreed to it. And are therefore able to arrange the rest of their life plans accordingly (if the above situation is as it appears). Nothing wrong with that.

 

[HGar]

Would it be different if the people were of the same gender?

For me, it’s none of my business what others do in their lives, good or bad. Unless it directly affects my relationship with the people then I’d keep out of it. No one knows what is happening in their lives outside of work / possibly their home lives are terrible and they have found solace together.

 

[RMOO]

11/6/23
When I was doing a summer internship, long ago, there was a married man, with young children, clearly having an affair with a single woman in the same office. It seemed to be an open secret. You would see them holding hands in the building when at lunch, etc. And while it was no one's business what they did with each other, I felt less of them for doing it.

On the other hand, I had to inform my husband that a coworker was flirting with him!

 

[musicloveranthony]

Some of these comments are wrought with projection and insecurity. That seems like a better place to focus energy than two people who sound like they've found a valuable friendship.

It's incredibly hard to make friends. Let people giggle and have fun

 

[Rfisher]

Would it concern you if you discovered that your partner had a similarly close relationship with a colleague?

Answering the only question in the OP

would depend if my partner hid any of it from me. Was evasive or in denial. Was ashamed or defensive on me seeing it /knowing it.

all of that would form how concerned I felt about it.

 

[seaurchin]

Some of these comments are wrought with projection and insecurity. That seems like a better place to focus energy than two people who sound like they've found a valuable friendship.

Really? Because all I see is a pretty typical forum discussion based on a situation someone posted about. Therefore, attempting to psychoanalyze other posters seems unwarranted and rude.

Perhaps you'd do better to focus energy on why you feel the need to do that, as well as why you've twice re-framed what's been described as a likely illicit affair into a "meaningful relationship" and a "valuable friendship?"

 

[RMOO]

Some of these comments are wrought with projection and insecurity. That seems like a better place to focus energy than two people who sound like they've found a valuable friendship.

It's incredibly hard to make friends. Let people giggle and have fun

It's funny, because I don't see projection or insecurity in any of the responses. I do see some people mistakenly assuming that the question asked by OP is whether she should do anything, but that was not the question that was asked.

 

[musicloveranthony]

Really? All I see is a typical discussion based on a situation someone posted about. Therefore, attempting to psychoanalyze other posters seems unwarranted and rude.

Perhaps you'd do better to focus energy on why you feel the need to re-frame what's been described as a likely affair as a "valuable friendship" instead?

Frankly, I consider the entire post/conversation unwarranted and rude.

To answer the question, no I wouldn't be concerned if my partner was laughing, giggling, and eating with somebody. It would concern me if people were speculating about what that meant - especially with people on the internet.

 

[seaurchin]

Frankly, I consider the entire post/conversation unwarranted and rude.

To answer the question, no I wouldn't be concerned if my partner was laughing, giggling, and eating with somebody. It would concern me if people were speculating about what that meant - especially with people on the internet.

Well, that's fine but as far as I know most people do pick up on context clues etc. to interpret what's going on around them. And imo this forum section is a safe place where members can try to get input on things that come up in their world that they feel confusion about or whatever. If real names, real workplaces and real poster names were used, that would be different.

My issue is with you saying other posters are "wrought with insecurity and projection" and what they should do instead of joining in the discussion. Imo that's what's over the line.

 

[musicloveranthony]

My issue is with you saying other posters are "wrought with insecurity and projection" and what they should do instead of joining in the discussion. Imo that's what's over the line.

That's fair