Married and Living w/ Parents

[paris29]

I was just wondering if there are any married couples out there who live with their parents or their spouse's parents, if so how is it working out, what made you decide to do it, any other information you are willing to share is greatly welcomed.

 

[slg47]

I think this would be weird.

 

[Autumnovember]

I think this would be weird.

+1

My sister and her ex husband lived with my parents for a while and lets just say it was awkward for everyone involved. The privacy factor bothered her a lot. My mom had to cook for two additional people and my parents weren't able to really BE themselves in the house because of her husband being around. It's hard to truly let your hair down when you have someone other than your own family members living in your home. I do weird crap all the time at home (just think of some of your weird antics you wouldn't normally do in front of others) and it felt really weird for me for a while.

 

[diamondbuggy]

I agree that this would be very weird. I think the only reason people may do this would be because of financial reasons. Then again, if you can't support yourselves financially you shouldn't be getting married.

 

[steph72276]

I agree that this would be very weird. I think the only reason people may do this would be because of financial reasons. Then again, if you can't support yourselves financially you shouldn't be getting married.

How do you know they weren't already married and suffered job losses, etc? Of course it would not be ideal because it is nice to have your own space and to come and go as you please without worry of bothering someone, but in this economy, I have seen this happen more and more and sometimes it is a necessity. I am ready to go back to my own house after a week or so with my parents (even though they are great, I just like my own space), but I am glad to know that if something tragic happened and we suffered a job loss that went beyond our emergency savings and lost our house, I would have a place to go. Many people don't have that.

 

[diamondbuggy]

I agree that this would be very weird. I think the only reason people may do this would be because of financial reasons. Then again, if you can't support yourselves financially you shouldn't be getting married.

How do you know they weren't already married and suffered job losses, etc? Of course it would not be ideal because it is nice to have your own space and to come and go as you please without worry of bothering someone, but in this economy, I have seen this happen more and more and sometimes it is a necessity. I am ready to go back to my own house after a week or so with my parents (even though they are great, I just like my own space), but I am glad to know that if something tragic happened and we suffered a job loss that went beyond our emergency savings and lost our house, I would have a place to go. Many people don't have that.

FL Steph, of course in a situation like that it would be nice to have a place to go. Sorry, I assumed paris meant living with parents right after marriage. And I must agree with you about having your own space. I like to come and go as I please and sometimes walk around naked!

 

[megumic]

My brother and SIL just moved in with her parents. I think it's mostly for financial reasons, but they are also kind of weird, so I guess it works out. Now her mom cuts his hair. Awk. Go to a barber like a normal person.

We considered living with my mom, but it would have to be a home where the bedrooms are on different levels, or a mother/daughter where we had our own living space. I'd go nuts, as much as I love the woman.

 

[April20]

We lived with DH's parents for a couple months after our house rented out. It rented out faster than we expected and rather than just go live anywhere, we lived with them while we figured it out. We're back in a loft now. It really wasn't that bad living with them, but that's mainly because they left us alone and very purposefully made sure we had our space. MIL finally drove DH crazy and thus he got more aggressive in finding us a different place to live!! And here I thought I'd crack first!

 

[MonkeyPie]

I agree that this would be very weird. I think the only reason people may do this would be because of financial reasons. Then again, if you can't support yourselves financially you shouldn't be getting married.

That's pretty presumptuous. What if your husband lost his job and it was your primary source of income? Then what?

We lived with my parents for a few years. We actually lived with them just before we got married because it helped everyone involved - we paid down bills, and we also paid a couple monthly bills for my parents so they could do some things with their own money. I didn't think it was weird or wrong. We all did just fine.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

We did it for about a year and lived with my dad. It wasn't weird at all. DH was finishing college in the town that I lived at and could no longer live in the dorms (being married). My dad and I have always been very close and the two of them hit it off extreemly well. We got along perfectly, divided the chores there were no arguments and I cooked dinner for everybody each night. Honestly, not a bit of it was odd or out of place. The three of us make an excellent team and family and I would do it again if needed. I think it really just depends on your own personal family and situation.

 

[megumic]

I agree that this would be very weird. I think the only reason people may do this would be because of financial reasons. Then again, if you can't support yourselves financially you shouldn't be getting married.

I think it's important to keep in mind that in some cultures, it's tradition to move in with one set of parents after marriage.

 

[diamondbuggy]

Okay, I see that I may have upset a few people. When I said that I think it would be weird I was talking from my own perspective as a recently engaged woman. I would not be thinking about marriage if I thought we could not live on our own, but that's just me. It's very uncommon in my circle of friends and family, but I do understand that it does happen in some cultures.

I honestly think it's a different thing altogether if we were living on our own to begin with and then one or both of us lost our jobs and suddenly we needed a place to live. Then of course it would be nice to know that we had my parents (or his) to help us out. I think it depends on the situation. I meant no offence to anyone.

 

[dragonfly411]

Guys - Diamondbuggy was making a statement that if you cannot support yourself you shouldn't be getting married, as in still planning to get married, not already married and something bad happens. I happen to agree with her. If you can't afford to live on your own, how can you expect to afford to have a wedding, go on a honey moon, or build a household as a new family. You can't just expect others to pay for all of that for you (although I'm sure in many cases a good bit of it does get paid by other people). I'd rather know I'm stable on my own two feet before marrying someone, and they better be standing on theirs as well.

 

[diamondbuggy]

Guys - Diamondbuggy was making a statement that if you cannot support yourself you shouldn't be getting married, as in still planning to get married, not already married and something bad happens. I happen to agree with her. If you can't afford to live on your own, how can you expect to afford to have a wedding, go on a honey moon, or build a household as a new family. You can't just expect others to pay for all of that for you (although I'm sure in many cases a good bit of it does get paid by other people). I'd rather know I'm stable on my own two feet before marrying someone, and they better be standing on theirs as well.

Thank you dragonfly! That's what I meant but I obviously didn't use the right words.

 

[Tuckins1]

This was before we were married, but when we were engaged. We were renovating our house (I mean totally gutted it) and my parents didn't want us to pay rent somewhere and pay for the renovations and pay for a wedding and pay for school, so they let us live with them. We were there for 13 months. It was fine (they have a pretty big house) but we were MORE than ready to be out as soon as we could! It was not awkward, as we cooked and cleaned for ourselves. We still had sex and did "couple" things as usual.... (Again- big house.)

 

[qtiekiki]

Diamondbuggy – I understand what you are saying and agree with the whole financial stability thing, but what you posted is still presumptuous. Yes, it’s not the norm or it’s odd in the US/western cultures, but not everywhere else. I am not offended; I just wanted to bring up a “different” story.


This is my experience, and it’s a permanent situation.

We live with the in-laws, or as I like to say, they live with us. It’s very much a culture thing with us. DH is the only son out of four kids, and traditionally the parents live with the boy. I say, they live with us because we pay for the mortgage, and all the bills relating to the house. We got married 5 years ago when we were 25 and 27. We paid for our wedding and honeymoon ourselves, with no help with either parents because we didn’t want to take their money. In our case, it’s definitely not because we can’t afford to be on our own.

It was tough in the beginning of the marriage since I basically moved into the house with DH and in-laws already living there. It took a while to feel like I am part of the family since everyone already had their routines in the house. MIL was very much out of our way and gave us our space, but her niceness was making me uncomfortable. Because she would say things like “do whatever you please, like it’s your house”, and that makes me feel more like an outsider. I know she means well, but it didn’t sit well with me. I told DH, and I am not sure if he mentioned anything to MIL. But she eventually stopped making those comments. And everything was finally feeling right.

Now 5 years and 2 kids later, there’s still time when I think about how it would be nice to have the house to ourselves. But mostly, I am glad that the in-laws are around, helping us with the kids and cooking our dinner. We saved a bundle on daycare costs. We give MIL less money that it would cost to put the kids in daycare. I can come home and play with my kids, instead of making dinner. It’s really a luxury that not every working moms have. I think it would be different if MIL is constantly in our business, but she isn’t. She is a really caring person. We disagree on things, but I let DH deal with his parents. That way, we don’t have any direct conflicts. It’s a lot of compromises, but it’s with any MIL/DIL relationship, regardless of the living situation.

 

[Indylady]

I think it has its pluses and minuses.

I see what some are saying when they are "you shouldn't be married if you can't afford to live on your own" but, for a young couple (you are 21, right?), I don't see anything wrong in living with the parents to save some $$$ even if they can afford to otherwise live on their own, especially given a tough economic climate. If the $$$ are borderline (as in, you can support yourselves but can't save much, etc.) I think its a pretty responsible move to move in with the in-laws.

Otherwise, if you are doing it for care-giving or cultural reasons, then that is a whole different ball-game.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Diamondbuggy – I understand what you are saying and agree with the whole financial stability thing, but what you posted is still presumptuous. Yes, it’s not the norm or it’s odd in the US/western cultures, but not everywhere else. I am not offended; I just wanted to bring up a “different” story.


This is my experience, and it’s a permanent situation.

We live with the in-laws, or as I like to say, they live with us. It’s very much a culture thing with us. DH is the only son out of four kids, and traditionally the parents live with the boy. I say, they live with us because we pay for the mortgage, and all the bills relating to the house. We got married 5 years ago when we were 25 and 27. We paid for our wedding and honeymoon ourselves, with no help with either parents because we didn’t want to take their money. In our case, it’s definitely not because we can’t afford to be on our own.

It was tough in the beginning of the marriage since I basically moved into the house with DH and in-laws already living there. It took a while to feel like I am part of the family since everyone already had their routines in the house. MIL was very much out of our way and gave us our space, but her niceness was making me uncomfortable. Because she would say things like “do whatever you please, like it’s your house”, and that makes me feel more like an outsider. I know she means well, but it didn’t sit well with me. I told DH, and I am not sure if he mentioned anything to MIL. But she eventually stopped making those comments. And everything was finally feeling right.

Now 5 years and 2 kids later, there’s still time when I think about how it would be nice to have the house to ourselves. But mostly, I am glad that the in-laws are around, helping us with the kids and cooking our dinner. We saved a bundle on daycare costs. We give MIL less money that it would cost to put the kids in daycare. I can come home and play with my kids, instead of making dinner. It’s really a luxury that not every working moms have. I think it would be different if MIL is constantly in our business, but she isn’t. She is a really caring person. We disagree on things, but I let DH deal with his parents. That way, we don’t have any direct conflicts. It’s a lot of compromises, but it’s with any MIL/DIL relationship, regardless of the living situation.

I was going to post something describing this exact type of relationship, so thank you for sharing your experiences. Yes, in Asian culture it is not "weird" or shameful to live with parents after marriage, in fact it is considered an act of love because you are basically there to take care of each other. Although my husband and I come from different Asian backgrounds (he's Korean, I'm Chinese/Japanese), I was so touched that he shared this filial philosophy even though he was born and raised here. My parents come to visit each year, and stay with us for 3 months, and there's never any awkwardness or weirdness. If we had to move in with my parents for any reason, I'm sure my husband would be perfectly fine with it, because it would not be considered as him not being able to take care of me, it would be taken as the young taking care of the old.

My husband doesn't even speak the same language as my parents (they communicate in minimal English) which makes it just convenient enough to get along, but not enough to have any type of conflict

 

[TravelingGal]

Diamondbuggy – I understand what you are saying and agree with the whole financial stability thing, but what you posted is still presumptuous. Yes, it’s not the norm or it’s odd in the US/western cultures, but not everywhere else. I am not offended; I just wanted to bring up a “different” story.


This is my experience, and it’s a permanent situation.

We live with the in-laws, or as I like to say, they live with us. It’s very much a culture thing with us. DH is the only son out of four kids, and traditionally the parents live with the boy. I say, they live with us because we pay for the mortgage, and all the bills relating to the house. We got married 5 years ago when we were 25 and 27. We paid for our wedding and honeymoon ourselves, with no help with either parents because we didn’t want to take their money. In our case, it’s definitely not because we can’t afford to be on our own.

It was tough in the beginning of the marriage since I basically moved into the house with DH and in-laws already living there. It took a while to feel like I am part of the family since everyone already had their routines in the house. MIL was very much out of our way and gave us our space, but her niceness was making me uncomfortable. Because she would say things like “do whatever you please, like it’s your house”, and that makes me feel more like an outsider. I know she means well, but it didn’t sit well with me. I told DH, and I am not sure if he mentioned anything to MIL. But she eventually stopped making those comments. And everything was finally feeling right.

Now 5 years and 2 kids later, there’s still time when I think about how it would be nice to have the house to ourselves. But mostly, I am glad that the in-laws are around, helping us with the kids and cooking our dinner. We saved a bundle on daycare costs. We give MIL less money that it would cost to put the kids in daycare. I can come home and play with my kids, instead of making dinner. It’s really a luxury that not every working moms have. I think it would be different if MIL is constantly in our business, but she isn’t. She is a really caring person. We disagree on things, but I let DH deal with his parents. That way, we don’t have any direct conflicts. It’s a lot of compromises, but it’s with any MIL/DIL relationship, regardless of the living situation.

I was going to post something describing this exact type of relationship, so thank you for sharing your experiences. Yes, in Asian culture it is not "weird" or shameful to live with parents after marriage, in fact it is considered an act of love because you are basically there to take care of each other. Although my husband and I come from different Asian backgrounds (he's Korean, I'm Chinese/Japanese), I was so touched that he shared this filial philosophy even though he was born and raised here. My parents come to visit each year, and stay with us for 3 months, and there's never any awkwardness or weirdness. If we had to move in with my parents for any reason, I'm sure my husband would be perfectly fine with it, because it would not be considered as him not being able to take care of me, it would be taken as the young taking care of the old.

My husband doesn't even speak the same language as my parents (they communicate in minimal English) which makes it just convenient enough to get along, but not enough to have any type of conflict

Yup, I was going to say that it is totally incorrect for someone to say it "could only be" for financial reasons. For many asians, it's because we want to take care of our parents (we may move into "their" house, but it's not uncommon for the newlywed couple to take over a lot of the financial payments). We just have a broader definition of nuclear family.

 

[Haven]

I think you can make anything work if everyone's expectations are in line.

I hope that one day we can have my FIL and my mom live with us. In our case, we would be the ones taking care of the finances, and our parents, not the other way around. I desperately wanted my grandmother to live with us when she was very old and unable to care for herself, and she refused because we live outside of the city. (The shame of being suburban was too much for her!) But it broke my heart to see her living in an assisted living facility.

 

[Porridge]

If everyone can get along I can see it making a lot of sense. It's financially beneficial to everyone, the parents can help with the grandchildren, and the children can take care of the parents when the time comes. It's not common here, but I can certainly see why it would be in other cultures.

 

[meresal]

The sewer backed up into our apartment while we were on our honeymoon. So, we spent the first week after our honeymoon with my IL's.

Never ever again. Mainly becuase, when my DH is around his mom, he lets her do everything, since she offers to do everything. Drives me crazy to no end.

 

[Autumnovember]

Paris, since this is your thread....what are your thoughts?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

DH and I lived with his parents for a bit over a year. How it came about is a long story and I posted about it in FHH at the time it was happening. Basically DH and I were renting a house from one of his relatives, said relative died, relative's estate wanted to sell the house despite our lease, we eventually agreed to move due to the stress of the house being shown while I was home with a newborn. We could have afforded to move to an apartment but MIL and FIL insisted that it was a waste of money to do that so we moved in with them. We paid off some debt and also saved enough money to put down on our first house.

Looking back, it wasn't horrible but my marriage has been damaged by it. My IL's have a large house so we basically had our own areas, sharing only the kitchen/dining room and laundry room so privacy wasn't too much of an issue but it's true that sometimes I just couldn't be myself because of the IL's being there. Towards the end MIL was really nasty to me, telling me I neglected my husband and son because I was (temporarily) disabled due to a serious medical condition. At that point we were already house-hunting and ended up putting an offer in on our house not long after the incident. I told DH that if we were not in our own place by the holidays that I was out - either in a hotel or at my own apartment. MIL and I worked out our differences but our relationship has never been the same. She never apologized to me and her comments hurt me to the core.

I think it can work, but you must lay down ground rules immediately and follow them. I also think it helps to have a timeline as to how long is acceptable to stay. MIL and FIL wanted us to stay another year but I truly think that if we had done that we would have separated or gotten divorced.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My husband and I have been married over two years, we lived with my family before we were married and we still do. We live in NY, housing costs are insane, and we have a huge amount of student loan debt. We pay them rent every month, it's about the same as anyone around here would pay to rent a room. We all get along fine. It's pretty normal in my family though, we have several multi-generational homes in our family.

We don't think it's weird and we don't think there was anything wrong with us getting married without our own home either. I am not the kind of person who is going to push off marrying my love for God only knows how many years until we have enough money to afford a nice place.

 

[FrekeChild]

Got married in January. Moved in with my dad in March.

He is half Mexican and half Caucasian. I am Caucasian.

As some of you know, my mom passed away in December 2008. My dad lived alone in his house from her passing until we moved in, minus a 9 month stint where my cousin was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay.

Here is the thing about my dad--he does NOT like to be alone. If he is alone, he gets depressed and even moodier than he can be normally.

I got my Bachelors December '09, and didn't get a job until May '10. My husband is a phd student. We lived in a condo my mom bought for me (she didn't trust my dad to take care of me when she got sick, and I was still very much a student, and not engaged or anything remotely similar).

The day after we got married, the building manager of the condo complex called and said there was a potential renter that might be interested in our place--IF we were interested in renting it out. This was completely his suggestion, we had never mentioned renting it to him before.

So it dawned on us that most of my dad's house was empty (3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms--long story, 3 car garage, etc) and why didn't we take advantage of potentially renting out our place to make a little extra money, and do my dad some good.

Is it weird? Not really. We have the formal dining room, the formal living room, two bedrooms and two bathrooms to ourselves. We share the kitchen, laundry and TV room with him. We cook, we do his laundry, we take care of the upkeep of the house, we split the food 50/50. He pays for bills.

We are paying down debt accrued while my husband had open heart surgery 4.5 years ago, student loans, and saving towards fun things like a couple trips and eventually a house of our own.

So we get a little extra money from rent (and man, after HOA fees, property taxes, etc it's really NOT all that much extra cash), we get to live here for relatively little financial cost to us, he gets his big house taken care of, he gets meals made for him, he doesn't ever have to be alone. We also get to do the horizontal mambo with little worry because his room is several rooms away from ours plus down some stairs, AND he goes to bed early early--try 7-8pm. My dad and my husband get along fantastically--they go to movies and hang out all of the time.

We moved in by choice, and it has proven to be beneficial for everyone involved. My dad told me just the other day that he wished we had moved in earlier--he probably wouldn't have dated this horrible woman he regrets even thinking about dating... Once we get our own house, if he wants to, my dad is completely welcome to come live with us. Besides he is cool like whoa.

 

[diamondbuggy]

After reading everyone's posts I can see that my first post was presumptuous. Sorry everyone! I understand that it does work in certain situations. It's still not something that I would want to do though. If we had to live with my parents I would go crazy! And if we had to live with his parents I would end up killing his mother! I kid, I kid!

 

[paris29]

Paris, since this is your thread....what are your thoughts?

My situation: My fiance and I are currently living with my parents, my fiance moved in two months ago (long story), we are both students, he's getting his BA and I'm in a doctorate program. My parents are super supportive emotionally and financially. Our wedding was planned for January 1st, still unsure if we are changing the date depending if the situation changes soon I guess. My parents offered to give us the house we are all currently staying in as a wedding present, but their new home isn't ready yet and along with some other problems we don't know when they will be moving out. I honestly don't have a problem with living with my parents while married, however my fiance ever since he moved in has felt somewhat uncomfortable with the living situation and hates the idea of living with my parents married. I kind of feel like if we are already living with my parents, its not a big deal to live with them married, until things get settled. He said he is fine if he knows for sure they will be leaving in 1-2 months, but at the moment their is no way to guarantee when they will be moving out. I think he is beginning to feel more comfortable around them, our families are polar opposite to say the least, so I think he is just getting use to their personality, but he still not gongho (sp) on the whole being married and living with parents idea.