Marriage

[begin ing]

help girls!

today I am lost...
I can''t remember why I got married

I know I love him what difference does it make if we are married or not. we could grown old together loving each other without being ''married'' right? am I going nuts???

oh I am so confused


...k
the story begin with all the ''financial stuff''
he set up a household account that everything ''household'' should be withdrawal/debit from. he said we should both put money in for the different thing we need/use. I agree.

after putting most things in I realized I am losing CONTROL financially
I am no longer ms. independant
question is before we were married, we didn''t have to have this ''household'' account. everything was fine
he paid me RENT and I take care of the rest

as I look at my ring today I feel LOCKED

wonder if he feels the same?

 

[Erin]

Who''s idea was it for the account and why? Did that part HAVE to change for some reason? Can it go back to the way it was?

Anyway, finances are always tough between two people. Even my sister and brother are temporarily living together right now and they feel weird about money.

IMHO there are many reasons to get married - none of them, not one, references finances at all.

 

[crafftygrrl]

Perhaps you should set up a "kitty" account. You put money into it regularly and only you have a say where its spent. That''s what I have done. I''ve been happily married for 18 years.

 

[begin ing]

Starset Princess - household account was his idea. He tracks spending on Quicken and the household account would help him with easy tracking. which I agree it is a good idea knowing how we spend money but I was not thinking the details. after I moved all the stuff over and setting up I notice my so call ''control'' and ''life'' is over. Yes you are right - Money is a sensitive issue. Family meeting is going to be call this weekend.

Claudia R. - Kitty account I like... didn''t think about that. I am so use to doing everything by myself giving it all up just feels strange and sad. Kitty account sounds Wonderful

Thanks!

 

[Rank Amateur]

When you get married you lose sole control. That''s part of the gig.

 

[ame]

Ryan and I got a joint account not long after our wedding. I am the only person who uses it. He will give me money out of one of his other accounts, pretty much when I have paid everything and have nothing left. He has those separate accounts because he cannot give up total control and well...he saves. I on the other hand spend spend spend and like to control that account because he is not someone who can handle a freaking check register. And I know he''ll just chuck his receipt and Ill be up a creek if he spent 100 bucks and didn''t tell me.

My big issue with marriage is that he is not doing JACK SQUAT of the housework and it''s really got me aggravated. I come home from a long day at work which already sucked and he gets up literally a half hour before work--just enough time to go get his sandwich for lunch, and get started at work. He simply refuses to go to bed before 2am and get up before work, oh no, why on earth would he do that. So when I get home, he has literally trashed the place. His lunch bags from two days before STILL sitting there. And then if I clean them up because that''s gross he gets all pissed at me "I was going to do it"! To which I say "it should have been done the moment you were done chewing." I am demanding but dammit he will not compromise. I have no issue cooking dinner if he will load/unload the dishes. I have no problem with occasionally picking up after him and myself, but I am not going to let him leave piles of his clothes sincehe feels the need to remove all but hisfreaking underwear the moment he enters the freaking house. I don''t want his trash ALL over the living room or around the desk in his office. It draws bugs. I do the laundry because he doesn''t take the time to pull my shirts and pants out and hang them and just chucks it all in the drier which shrinks all my stuff. Then he gets mad because I had to spend more money on more clothes to replace all of those! He has cut the grass a GRAND TOTAL of 5 times in a year. He doesn''t want to do it, so he doesn''t. But he knows Im allergic to grass so I can''t cut it myself.

I seriously don''t know how to get through to him. I tell him what I want him to do and why it irritates the hell out of me and he just ignores it. Because he doesn''t want to do whatever it is. I have to ask him like 5 freaking times eto do something and yet I still end up having to do it. He simply will not compromise.

How the hell do you train a guy!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 11/15/2005 11:52:43 PM
Author: ame

How the hell do you train a guy!

It takes a lot of patience, communication and understanding!!!

DH and I moved in together 1 year before we got married. He likes piles...books, clothes, CDs, it doesn''t matter...it''s the way he thinks. It was always an ongoing battle to get our house to stop looking like a tornado blew through it on a nightly basis.

We came to a compromise. One of our bedrooms was converted into his office. I bit my tongue and agreed to let his piles stack up to the ceiling if he wanted to, but ONLY in his office. I can shut the door if I don''t want to see it. In return, he agreed to pick up after himself throughout the rest of the house. We''ve been married 10 years and although I still hate those piles in his office (you can''t even tell he has a desk in that office!), he''s held up his end of the bargain and does his best (he slips from time to time) not to create piles throughout the rest of the house.

When we got married, finances were difficult for us too. DH was terrible at bill paying and budgeting. We agreed to compile all our money together and initially (although he agreed and wanted it) DH began to feel that "trapped" feeling as well. We again compromised....we figured out a budget that worked for him and he opened his own bank account. We make sure it''s replenished monthly and he''s to use to it his heart''s content...I ask no questions about how he spends his money and he figured out how to budget his month.

So, training isn''t the best approach, but discussions about the cost/benefits of doing certain things and compromise does help lower the blood pressure.

 

[pebbles]

Date: 11/16/2005 1:33:31 AM
Author: AChiOAlumna

Date: 11/15/2005 11:52:43 PM
Author: ame

How the hell do you train a guy!

It takes a lot of patience, communication and understanding!!!

DH and I moved in together 1 year before we got married. He likes piles...books, clothes, CDs, it doesn''t matter...it''s the way he thinks. It was always an ongoing battle to get our house to stop looking like a tornado blew through it on a nightly basis.

We came to a compromise. One of our bedrooms was converted into his office. I bit my tongue and agreed to let his piles stack up to the ceiling if he wanted to, but ONLY in his office. I can shut the door if I don''t want to see it. In return, he agreed to pick up after himself throughout the rest of the house. We''ve been married 10 years and although I still hate those piles in his office (you can''t even tell he has a desk in that office!), he''s held up his end of the bargain and does his best (he slips from time to time) not to create piles throughout the rest of the house.

When we got married, finances were difficult for us too. DH was terrible at bill paying and budgeting. We agreed to compile all our money together and initially (although he agreed and wanted it) DH began to feel that ''trapped'' feeling as well. We again compromised....we figured out a budget that worked for him and he opened his own bank account. We make sure it''s replenished monthly and he''s to use to it his heart''s content...I ask no questions about how he spends his money and he figured out how to budget his month.

So, training isn''t the best approach, but discussions about the cost/benefits of doing certain things and compromise does help lower the blood pressure.

Hey AChiO -- your husband sounds a lot like mine!

My husband is a saver -- he saves EVERYTHING! That movie receipt from when we went to the show in 1998?...still has it. Report cards from grammer school...old icky baseball cards...postcards from friends in college...high school text books...yes, he has them all! We did the same thing -- set up an office for him where he can keep all his "stuff". That has truly helped. He still tends to let things pile up, but for the most part the mess stays in the office.

We pretty much have everything in a joint account. We have our own 401Ks but since my husband is a finance guy, he oversees those. I oversee the household expenses and the checkbook. He has a separate checking account but I don''t think he has used it in years. I have my own "kitty" too. It wasn''t easy at first, but it also wasn''t as hard as I thought it would be. Go into it with an open mind; at least that what helped me. If we want to make a "big ticket" purchase (for us, it''s basically anything over a few hundred dollars) we discuss it first. We''re both pretty good about things. We won''t run out and buy something big without running it by each other first. If there is something big I really want that is truly only for me (i.e. like a diamond pendant

) then I use the money from my kitty for that.

I do have to say, my husband is really good about the housework. We have two toddlers so I don''t have a heck of a lot of time to spend on it, so he helps a lot. He still leaves dishes around and doesn''t clean up quite as quickly as I would like him to, but sooner or later I noticed he gets sick of the mess and then cleans up.

 

[moremoremore]

I''m a little lost. Why are you ''confused'' about why you got married simply because of this joint account issue?

Have you thought about saying "I don''t like this joint account thing".... Brilliant idea LOL

I don''t see the big deal really. If you don''t like his approach, just agree that you''ll keep sep accounts and you''ll pay for certain things and he''ll pay for certain things. It''s never going to be totally 50/50 but that''s fine.

Not all that dramatic. Simple problem. Simple solution.

 

[njc]

OMG Ame... we have married the same man!

We got into a fight the other night for all the reasons you just said... I came home from work to my husband laying on the sofa reading and the dinner dishes from the night before, which he said he would clean up, still piled up all over the kitchen. When i commented that he still hadnt cleaned up, he said he had a really rough day at work and was too tired. Huh, how funny... my reply back: i worked 2 more hours than you, came home, fed the dog, took her for a walk, folded a load of laundry, put a load in the dryer and a load in the washer all of YOUR clothes (i refuse to let him to the laundry as well for the SAME reasons), cleaned the bathroom and am cleaning up the sh*t you never did because i need to make dinner... i havent sat down yet!

begin_ing - we are having some issues with dealing with our finances as well. We set up a joint account several months before our wedding to pay our mortgage and utilities on our new house and we only put in what we needed. That account is still the same, but i want to combine everything together and we each have our own money for fun/personal needs (i guess what crafftygirl is calling a kitty). DH makes a considerable amount more than me and i feel he thinks im trying to take his money. In a way, i am, but only because all my pay goes to our bills. I have nothing left over for me or what i am expected to pay for (groceries, dinner out, gas, etc.). Whenever i mention trying to put it all together, DH gets all huffy and puffy, he doesnt understand. The last time i brought it up he told me to ask my boss for a raise! SO AGGREVATING!!! The best part is have plenty of money that will be available to me later in life... i feel like being a 5 year old and saying, if you wont share your money now, i wont share mine later!

I am planning on attempting again this weekend, and have written up everything and listed exactly what i make, he makes and how much we spend every month. Maybe the visuals will get it through to him.... i hope i hope i hope i hope!!!

 

[Matata]

hooooboy. Maybe this thread should be put in a new section entitled "Aftermath" or "The Honeymoon Is Over" and situate it close to the pre-wedding threads. Might motivate some of the LIWs to have conversations about money & hygiene before they say "I do".

FH and I went round and round about finances when we were doing the pre-nup. Finally decided that all of our money goes into one big pot, except for an amount we agree upon for our private stashes, and all our expenses are paid from the big pot. I''ll do the bill paying, we''ve hired a housekeeper, I''ll do the yard & garden because I love it. We wash our own clothes. He has his own bathroom and our new house will have a second master suite for those nights when we need our separate space. It''s all good.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 11/16/2005 1:00:13 PM
Author: Matata
He has his own bathroom and our new house will have a second master suite for those nights when we need our separate space. It''s all good.

For some reason, all my married friends and I are firm believers that couples who have separate bathrooms (or at a minimum) separate spaces in the bathroom (ie separate sinks and cabinet space) tend to have the most successful marriages...I don''t know why it is, but it seems my friends who have to share their bathroom space tend to have more stress in their marriages??!!

Comments??

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/16/2005 11:40:21 AM
Author: moremoremore
I''m a little lost. Why are you ''confused'' about why you got married simply because of this joint account issue?

Have you thought about saying ''I don''t like this joint account thing''.... Brilliant idea LOL

I don''t see the big deal really. If you don''t like his approach, just agree that you''ll keep sep accounts and you''ll pay for certain things and he''ll pay for certain things. It''s never going to be totally 50/50 but that''s fine.

Not all that dramatic. Simple problem. Simple solution.

DITTO.

So just because you guys don''t agree on money or it''s not working out perfectly you are wondering why you got married? GIRL you better buck up because marriage can be tough and this is just the first issue you will not see eye to eye on. Get in line for years of figuring things out when you guys don''t agree right away on something.

Rank couldn''t have said it better...marriage is about loss of sole control. There are two people involved, two tied together for life. Marriage is about COMPROMISE and not about one person getting things their way or doing what they want.

Finances are a huge deal for most independent couples, loss of control etc. We have separate accounts because we haven''t tackled this issue yet but we are SLOWLY coming more together with finances. It''s slowly becoming less about your money and my money and more about our money. We are slowly realizing that all the bills are now OURS rather than yours and mine. But we didn''t jump right into trying to figure that out, as you did we had something that worked so we didn''t want to change it right away. There are alot of other things to work out and get used to first.

Money is a huge reason for divorce, so why break something if it works?

Also communication is VERY key in a relationship and especially a marriage. Have you discussed this with your husband?

Oh and separate bathrooms is a must or at least separate sinks. We have dual sinks in our bathroom but also Greg has his OWN bathroom (guest bathroom) down the hall where he can go and hang out and do whatever he wants. I just ask that it''s kept clean. Definitely more marital harmony there.

 

[Matata]

Date: 11/16/2005 1:44:34 PM
Author: AChiOAlumna

Date: 11/16/2005 1:00:13 PM
Author: Matata
He has his own bathroom and our new house will have a second master suite for those nights when we need our separate space. It''s all good.

For some reason, all my married friends and I are firm believers that couples who have separate bathrooms (or at a minimum) separate spaces in the bathroom (ie separate sinks and cabinet space) tend to have the most successful marriages...I don''t know why it is, but it seems my friends who have to share their bathroom space tend to have more stress in their marriages??!!

Comments??

There is a limit to the intimacy I want to share. Nothing kills romantic fantasy faster than sharing a bathroom. It''s a place he can go and not have to worry about being sensitive about the other person''s reaction to bodily noises, eruptions, olfactory sensibilities and other things

. My FH is a total slob in the bathroom...blows his nose in the sink, drips on the toilet rim, forgets to flush, doesn''t clean his floss flickings from the mirror, leaves toothpaste smeared on the vanity and leaves puddles of water everywhere.

And this is just the minor stuff!! All I want to know and all I want to see is the freshly scrubbed sweet smelling guy who emerges from that room.

 

[Lorelei]

Begin ing, this is all part of the game we call marriage. You have had some great advice, especially Mara''s post makes a lot of sense. I have been married for nearly 18 years, every day it takes work, some tongue biting, picking your battles and knowing when to let some of the small stuff go. I wonder if maybe this has suddenly hit you hard, the realization that you are now married, it is no longer you and him but " us." It can feel overwhelming at times, but the rewards you get from finding a way to make your marriage work are immense. I agree with the others regarding the joint account, you need to tell him that this method isn''t working for you and between you come up with a suitable compromise. Also pick the right moment to address any issues you may have. In my experience men don''t respond well if they are trying to watch the game or are otherwise occupied, wait until he is receptive and you have his full attention. This will be the start of many compromises you will have to make all through your marriage, always try to work together and remember you are a team now and that there can be great benefits to that, even if you feel you have lost some of your independance, you can still have an equal say in finances and other aspects of your life and that will help to compensate.

 

[begin ing]

Thank you girls for taking the time to guild me thru this process

Rank Amateur - yes, I agree. but in my case I lost my he retained his.

moremoremore and Mara - sorry, I didn''t explain the detail - he had a good point about the joint account, I did agree with the concept. I agree and you are right, I dramatized the event yesterday... after a good night of sleep (thinking) I have come to my senses and we will be putting it all down on paper this weekend.

Matata - privacy is not an issue with my family anymore. ever since we both accidentally made unwanted body noise in front of each other 2 years ago, we agreed on the human body makes funny noises

and not to make fun of each other..

the biggest reason is our limited space. we are getting the house build and currently living in my little condo. there are NO room for privacy maybe one day I can find my dignity back and be respected of my personal space LOL

but with his procrastination the house will NEVER get torn down in the first place and getting it actually build would be ... even harder so there goes our privacy


I think I only needed to vent yesterday and I am very THANKFUL you girls are here for me!

THANK YOU THANK YOU

 

[MichelleCarmen]

For some reason, all my married friends and I are firm believers that couples who have separate bathrooms (or at a minimum) separate spaces in the bathroom (ie separate sinks and cabinet space) tend to have the most successful marriages...I don''t know why it is, but it seems my friends who have to share their bathroom space tend to have more stress in their marriages??!!

Comments??

Well, I need tons of bathroom space. I have a million little bottles of cream and compacts of makeup all scattered about so luckily we have three bathrooms including a 14'' x 14'' master bath w/two sinks and a huge span of counter space to lay all our stuff out on. All my husband has is a toothbrush and a razor, so basically the bathroom is my domain. I actually go in there to escape from my kids! lol There''s a jet tub and carpeted step I can sit on & apply face masks so if I''m in there, DH can go into one of the other bathrooms rather than bicker about me hogging the space. This works well. I''d go insane having only one bath!

 

[ame]

Date: 11/16/2005 3:35:48 PM
Author: begin ing

Matata - privacy is not an issue with my family anymore. ever since we both accidentally made unwanted body noise in front of each other 2 years ago, we agreed on the human body makes funny noises

and not to make fun of each other..

the biggest reason is our limited space. we are getting the house build and currently living in my little condo. there are NO room for privacy maybe one day I can find my dignity back and be respected of my personal space LOL

I was raised in a family who had competitions...even at the dinner table. That was a real...awakening...for my husband but now he''s used to it and tries (and usually fails) to compete. We are a really freaking immature family sometimes. And yes we all still laugh. ALL of us.

 

[platinumrock]

LOL...you got the right topic, alright.

I''ve had my own bank account since I was 15....and I am not about to give it up any time soon. Hubby and I have had separate accounts since we started dating...much easier and peaceful that way. I just can''t get used to the idea that I have to justify and report all of my "personal" purchases, especially when it''s my money. Besides...my money is his money and his money is my money. The bills get paid through his check or mine.

If you want to gain back control, open your own bank account, even if it''s savings. If he has a problem with you having your own money, then there might be control issues that need to be resolved.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 11/16/2005 2:06:09 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 11/16/2005 11:40:21 AM
Author: moremoremore
I''m a little lost. Why are you ''confused'' about why you got married simply because of this joint account issue?

Have you thought about saying ''I don''t like this joint account thing''.... Brilliant idea LOL

I don''t see the big deal really. If you don''t like his approach, just agree that you''ll keep sep accounts and you''ll pay for certain things and he''ll pay for certain things. It''s never going to be totally 50/50 but that''s fine.

Not all that dramatic. Simple problem. Simple solution.

DITTO.

So just because you guys don''t agree on money or it''s not working out perfectly you are wondering why you got married? GIRL you better buck up because marriage can be tough and this is just the first issue you will not see eye to eye on. Get in line for years of figuring things out when you guys don''t agree right away on something.

Rank couldn''t have said it better...marriage is about loss of sole control. There are two people involved, two tied together for life. Marriage is about COMPROMISE and not about one person getting things their way or doing what they want.

Finances are a huge deal for most independent couples, loss of control etc. We have separate accounts because we haven''t tackled this issue yet but we are SLOWLY coming more together with finances. It''s slowly becoming less about your money and my money and more about our money. We are slowly realizing that all the bills are now OURS rather than yours and mine. But we didn''t jump right into trying to figure that out, as you did we had something that worked so we didn''t want to change it right away. There are alot of other things to work out and get used to first.

Money is a huge reason for divorce, so why break something if it works?

Also communication is VERY key in a relationship and especially a marriage. Have you discussed this with your husband?

Oh and separate bathrooms is a must or at least separate sinks. We have dual sinks in our bathroom but also Greg has his OWN bathroom (guest bathroom) down the hall where he can go and hang out and do whatever he wants. I just ask that it''s kept clean. Definitely more marital harmony there.

HAHA! DITTO with the separate bathrooms! This is definitely a marriage saver. My husband and I differ on the importance of bathroom cleanliness and decor: mine is clean and decorated, his is a smelly nightmare. For years, I''ve tried to "train" him to keep his bathroom clean...but I ended up doing most of the cleaning to get it "right". So I picked my battles and let him have his own bathroom to dismantle. I only go there when absolutely necessary, and it''s always the one in the bedroom (24 hour emergency cleaning with visitors).

We are very independent people, and we need our own personal space and things we call "our own". Too much "togetherness" can get irritating after a while. This reduced a lot of fights and misunderstadings over the years. It still amazes me how men and women can live with each other, especially with the different habits. Leave it to love, huh?

PS: We even have separate sheets, cuz we used to fight over the one we shared. I know, we''re weird. But it works!

 

[eks6426]

Finances & housework...the 2 most common fights. Wait a couple years, then you get to fight about sex too!

Seriously, this is my 2nd marriage and I learned a lot from the first one. On money, here was my solution:

Add up all household expenses--rent/insurance/grocery/utilities etc. Whatever you consider household expenses. See how much is needed--be generous add extra. Then you take your incomes--add together then figure out what % of the money you each bring home. Take your % and multiply by the amount needed in the household fund. Husband does the same. Now you are both contributing equally to keeping the household running.

Next, agree on savings amount. Need to buy a house? Grow an emergancy fund. Take a trip? Cars do break down. Do the same % thing for the savings. We have multiple savings accounts..1 for trips, 1 for dreams & 1 for emergancies.

Lastly, have the rest of your put into your own accounts. This is where you still have control over buying clothes or diamonds...and he has control over buying electronic toys, golf clubs etc. You don''t judge each other''s purchases out of the individual accounts. The key is to agreeing what kind of stuff goes into the household account and what goes into the invidual accounts. Don''t forget things like family Xmas presents & eating out etc.

On the cleaning, I wish I had an answer. My first husband was much like ame''s description. When I would go away for the weekend there was an archilogical dig awaiting me on the dining table when I got back. Literally, Friday night''s dinner & paper were on the bottom...and on the top (sometimes 18" high) was Sunday lunch & the Sunday paper...The other meals, snacks, papers, magazines were all in the middle. The stack was so high that I figured he must have really worked to keep it all up there. I nagged for years about house cleaning and eventually decided the only way to stop fighting was to hire a cleaning service. They came every 2 weeks and it was worth every penny. We gave up eating out & seeing some movies in order to do it. The peace in the household was so much better. By the way--that was in household expense category.

But on marriage, round 2--I was determined to find a guy who cleans & cooks. My current husband out cleans me which is so refreshing. He''s a bit OCD even. He even cleans during commercials on TV. Man, did I get lucky this time!

Good luck on the finances. It''s not an easy thing....

 

[monarch64]

Begin ing:

You remind me of myself when i got married a couple of years ago. I had a hard time giving up some of my independence too. I was so worried about it that I lost sight of the fact that I was gaining a teammate someone who was always willing to be there when i needed him. I looked at it more back then as i was going to lose my say in how I spent my own hard earned money...I really struggled with it for the past couple of years. I finally realized that two incomes were way better than one, especially when combined so that all the bills are paid, but you each keep a separate account for your personal spending money. My husband makes more than I do now, but he is pretty generous and makes sure I have everything I think I "need." Things will get better, Begin ing!

 

[begin ing]

IslandDreams - ahhhhh... yes % thanks for the pointer... will sure bring that up this weekend at the family meeting... but sex... what about.. why will there be fights?

monarch64 - Thanks - after I calm down now. things aren''t as bad as I thought. Plus with all the pointers the PS girls given I am actually looking forward to the family meeting and finding the happy zone with my new hubby.

will keep you girls updated on the family meeting result after this weekend

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/15/2005 7:28:47 PM
Author:begin ing
help girls!

today I am lost...
I can''t remember why I got married

I know I love him what difference does it make if we are married or not. we could grown old together loving each other without being ''married'' right? am I going nuts???

oh I am so confused


...k
the story begin with all the ''financial stuff''
he set up a household account that everything ''household'' should be withdrawal/debit from. he said we should both put money in for the different thing we need/use. I agree.

after putting most things in I realized I am losing CONTROL financially
I am no longer ms. independant
question is before we were married, we didn''t have to have this ''household'' account. everything was fine
he paid me RENT and I take care of the rest

as I look at my ring today I feel LOCKED

wonder if he feels the same?

we been marry for 19 yrs,we always have separate accounts that way i don''t need to beg her for money.

i get to spend on whatever i want.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/17/2005 1:41:10 PM
Author: platinumrock
LOL...you got the right topic, alright.

I''ve had my own bank account since I was 15....and I am not about to give it up any time soon. Hubby and I have had separate accounts since we started dating...much easier and peaceful that way. I just can''t get used to the idea that I have to justify and report all of my ''personal'' purchases, especially when it''s my money. Besides...my money is his money and his money is my money. The bills get paid through his check or mine.

If you want to gain back control, open your own bank account, even if it''s savings. If he has a problem with you having your own money, then there might be control issues that need to be resolved.

i love your style.

i''m spending a bundle on a fish pond and there''s nothing my wife can say b/c i didn''t ask her for a dime. couples will alway have less financial problems if they keep separate accounts. infact...i don''t even know what her annual income is

b/c she don''t tell me " BIG secret"

and i don''t care.maybe she''s really loaded.i better go check under the mattress. LOL....

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/17/2005 4:09:55 PM
Author: IslandDreams
Finances & housework...the 2 most common fights. Wait a couple years, then you get to fight about sex too!

ID

don''t worry.... in a couple more yrs there won''t be any sex.

 

[eks6426]

Most couples eventually fight about sex because we all go through different "desire" cycles. When you first get married, it''s kind of "let''s do it all the time" mode. But then real life sets in and most couples tend to get off sync...so one person wants it more than the other...The person wanting it more doesn''t understand why the change from when you first got married. The funny thing about this is the person wanting it more can change...1 year (or month etc.) it''s him...the next it''s you. But who knows, you might be one of the lucky ones to stay in sync.

I totally understand why you are not liking loosing control. No matter how you do it, it''s good for each individual to have some control over some mad money. My first marriage started out a lot like yours and I really resented having to almost "ask" to buy something. I felt like I was back home with my parents begging for money. It was especially annoying because I made more than him. Years of fighting resulted in the % way of doing money. It worked for us--we met our bills, our savings goals..and our need for some financial indepenedenc.

Hope your weekend talk goes well. Just use the word "I" a lot instead of "you" so you don''t put your guy on the defense...

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 11/17/2005 9:20:31 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 11/17/2005 1:41:10 PM
Author: platinumrock
LOL...you got the right topic, alright.

I''ve had my own bank account since I was 15....and I am not about to give it up any time soon. Hubby and I have had separate accounts since we started dating...much easier and peaceful that way. I just can''t get used to the idea that I have to justify and report all of my ''personal'' purchases, especially when it''s my money. Besides...my money is his money and his money is my money. The bills get paid through his check or mine.

If you want to gain back control, open your own bank account, even if it''s savings. If he has a problem with you having your own money, then there might be control issues that need to be resolved.

i love your style.

i''m spending a bundle on a fish pond and there''s nothing my wife can say b/c i didn''t ask her for a dime. couples will alway have less financial problems if they keep separate accounts. infact...i don''t even know what her annual income is

b/c she don''t tell me '' BIG secret''

and i don''t care.maybe she''s really loaded.i better go check under the mattress. LOL....

Dancing Fire, you are a nut! LOL

The fish pond project sounds awesome! What type of fishes will you have? Post some pics when it''s all finsihed. I have a 90 gallon aquarium myself, and these fishes are getting too big. A pond would be really nice in a backyard (when we get a house someday).
Are you sure you want to check under the bed? You might find "other things" as well.

 

[fire&ice]

I''ve said it before - we have no fights about money because what''s mine is mine & what''s his is mine.

That said, communication is the key. It can be hard to maintain a balance of control. At this point, I do all the household finances. I keep a microsoft works list of all the places money is parked. It''s his only access to what''s going on by his accord. Actually, it''s less stressful for one person to handle the finances. But, it is important for credit to maintain accounts in only one''s name.

Funny about the separate bathrooms. We share the shower and sink. But for the bodily functions he has his own. What is up with men & taking so long to- well - have a bowel movement? They have to read & sit for a spell like a ritual. Women go and do their business and be done with it. I''ll never figure that one out.

And, regarding putting on makeup, your daily "getting ready" ritual, etc - one word - your own VANITY or "dressing table". Seems like they don''t make them anymore. Mine''s an old art deco one w/ lots of drawers to hold my makeup, hair toys, etc. The bathroom only has the toothbrushes, my contact stuff & stuff one needs prior to getting dressed (deodorant, etc).

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/18/2005 10:25:36 AM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 11/17/2005 9:20:31 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 11/17/2005 1:41:10 PM
Author: platinumrock
LOL...you got the right topic, alright.

I''ve had my own bank account since I was 15....and I am not about to give it up any time soon. Hubby and I have had separate accounts since we started dating...much easier and peaceful that way. I just can''t get used to the idea that I have to justify and report all of my ''personal'' purchases, especially when it''s my money. Besides...my money is his money and his money is my money. The bills get paid through his check or mine.

If you want to gain back control, open your own bank account, even if it''s savings. If he has a problem with you having your own money, then there might be control issues that need to be resolved.

i love your style.

i''m spending a bundle on a fish pond and there''s nothing my wife can say b/c i didn''t ask her for a dime. couples will alway have less financial problems if they keep separate accounts. infact...i don''t even know what her annual income is

b/c she don''t tell me '' BIG secret''

and i don''t care.maybe she''s really loaded.i better go check under the mattress. LOL....

Dancing Fire, you are a nut! LOL

The fish pond project sounds awesome! What type of fishes will you have? Post some pics when it''s all finsihed. I have a 90 gallon aquarium myself, and these fishes are getting too big. A pond would be really nice in a backyard (when we get a house someday).
Are you sure you want to check under the bed? You might find ''other things'' as well.

japaness koi.