Home Marriage counselor resources?

[Haven]

My parents just announced that they are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. I''ve been married for just over two months, and needless to say the news has left me shocked and confused. I think it would be best if hubby and I seek some marriage counseling now while things are good so we can develop healthy habits and whatnot.

I have never seen a counselor or therapist of any kind. I have no idea where to find the right person. Suggestions? Are there message boards or resources we can use to find someone? I don''t want to simply pick a name off of my medical insurance co''s website, I''d like to find referrals, if possible.

Thank you.

 

[somethingshiny]

Haven~ I think you have the right idea about starting now. Marriage is a hard thing, and a lifetime of frustrations isn''t what any of us sign up for. So, it makes perfect sense to start on the right track!!

DH and I have attended a few counseling sessions since before we were married (which was required by the church). We''ve since used 2 pastors and a licensed counselor. I didn''t particularly like the licensed professional because she wasn''t in line with our religious views on marriage. We''ve gone before there were major problems to learn how to change the behavior that was likely going to become something the other couldn''t deal with. It worked really well for us.

DH was referred to a counselor from his general practitioner who treats him for depression. Friends of ours got a name off a list and just called the receptionist for the down low on the therapist. You''d be surprised on how much info a receptionist can and will give you if you just ask!

If you''re concerned that your therapist have certain qualifications, I''d start by asking about credentials or find a site that lists board certified counselors. (sorry I don''t have one to link)

Good Luck!

btw- I''m sorry about your folks. Dust for you and your family.

 

[Miranda]

I''m so sorry Haven. This must be so difficult for you. ((hugs))

I''ve never used a therapist either. You could ask your Dr. for a referral. Or a friend. I think you are smart to focus on making your marriage the best it can be. Good luck to you!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m so sorry to hear about your parents.

DH''s parents divorced after the same length of time. I''d known them several years at that point, and it was a shock to me. I can''t imagine how shocking it must have been for DH.

As for a therapist, I recently started seeing one. I tried one that I found on the internet, but it was a terrible fit. While telling some friends about how terrible it was, I found out that two friends saw the same therapist and highly recommended her. I don''t think they would have offered the information if I hadn''t brought it up. So perhaps if bring up what you''re thinking with some people, you''ll get some unexpected recommendations.

 

[neatfreak]

I would ask friends, OR if you are a part of a large medical group, talk to the receptionists about whom they like! Just tell them a bit about yourself and your DH, why you are there, etc. and often they can make good recommendations for you about who in the practice is a good fit.

 

[robbie3982]

Haven, I''m so sorry to hear about your parents

. Do you have a family doctor you could as for a recommendation?

 

[february2003bride]

I''m so sorry Haven.

Many hugs to you!!

 

[Haven]

Thank you for all of your help and kind words.
I''m going to search for a counselor this weekend; I love the idea of getting referrals from my doctor, and from receptionists, I never would have thought of either.

 

[Elmorton]

Haven, I''m so sorry to hear about your parents, but I think it''s SO smart of you and your DH to think about counseling now.

DH and I have never done counseling together, but I have off and on since I was 17 - my biggest piece of advice is that if you both go to the introductory session and don''t feel like you trust or can be open with the therapist, find another. I was very lucky and had excellent therapists from the get-go (usually by Dr. referral or by chance because it is hard to find openings) and then in college, I went to one where, for some reason, I just felt threatened as she asked me questions. I thought I was being ridiculous for feeling that way (clearly a licensed professional isn''t threatening me), and it took me another visit (and feeling awful after the session) before I realized that I just needed to try someone else. I suppose what I''m saying is that it''s so important to find someone you''re both comfortable with and it''s more than OK to bolt if anything (even just the "gut" feeling) doesn''t feel right. It''s the one time where the "It isn''t you, it''s me!" line is perfectly acceptable.

I also second faith-based counseling for marriages - I was in therapy the year leading up to my wedding with a faith-based counselor, and I loved it - and I was really surprised that I loved it. We typically didn''t talk about spiritual things, but I felt so comfortable knowing that there was no topic that was off limits to us, and no aspect of my upcoming marriage that I couldn''t discuss.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m so sorry, Haven.

Did you see this coming or was it a big shock?

 

[Allisonfaye]

I dragged DH to a marriage counselor. But I wasn''t comfortable asking for referrals myself. So I just looked on the internet. BUT, I will give you a big caution. I dont'' know your financial circumstances but I called our insurance BEFORE we went and they told me I was covered. Well, that was a big, fat, HUGE lie. We went for a year off and on and they didn''t cover a DIME of it. I was LIVID. Still, to this day, if you call the benefits people, they will tell you that it is covered. You HAVE to use someone from their referral list and even then, I don''t know it really is covered because I was so beyond angry at them, I never tried it.

I am really sorry about your parents. That must have been a big shakeup for you.

 

[Izzy03]

Oh no! I am so sorry! Divorce is so common now that I think people are becoming so desensitized to how hard it really is! I do not want to impose but did your parents purposely wait to announce their divorce after you wedding? What amazing selfless parents if that was the case!

I agree with everyone else about checking with your physician! Sorry I don''t know more about this but KUDOS to you for being so proactive. I really want my fiance and I to see a couples therapist. Not because we have major issues, but because I think there is always room for improvement, and I need someone to tell me when I am being stupid. My fiance, however, "doesn''t believe" in therapy. Whatever. Gotta love him!

My parents have been married 31 years, and last year both of them made a few comments such as "if your mother/father doesn''t shape up, this marriage won''t last!". Needless to say, just those few comments affected me greatly. They had never been a couple that fought or said anything like that before, so I feared they were thinking about divorce. I started having nightmares about the whole thing, and became very suspicious of their relationships with other people. Everything resolved itself and my parents seem very happy again, but I really had no idea how hurt and angry children become over divorce. The situation really opened my eyes.

Thankfully you have a wonderful new hubby to take of you! Please vent here anytime!

 

[asscherisme]

I''m sorry about your parents.

 

[MMMD]

I''m sorry about your parents. That must be very frightening for you as a newlywed. Good luck with your search for a therapist, everyone has given you good advice.