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Lurker needs some encouraging words

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lookie

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
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Hi there, everyone. I have been lurking here for a while and after a recent development, I am making my inaugural post about my new ring.

A bit of backstory:

The beau and I have been having the marriage discussion lately, and while I am not 100% sold on the idea of marrying anyone, I am 100% committed to him and would really like to wear a beautiful symbol of our relationship. He asked me style preferences and I told him it had to be white gold, and I''d like a low profile so I don''t whack it around, and I''d like it to be thin. The style of the diamond didn''t really matter to me, and honestly I knew nothing about diamonds until I ran across helpful websites like this one. Now that I know about them, they fascinate me and I appreciate them, but it still wouldn''t have mattered the size or even if it was a diamond at all.

With those preferences in mind, he talked to his mother to use her jeweler and her access to diamonds and they started creating my ring. I was actually out of states when it was being made in a whole other country, but I trusted that everything would be in good hands. I even drew pictures that he scanned and sent to his mother, and sent her links to other rings I had seen online and liked. I''m not sure where the misscommunication happened, but the ring is finished, and I was very very excited (and nervous) to finally see it. The ring hasn''t arrived yet, but pictures have, and he went straight to work showing almost everyone I know the pictures. The feedback was positive, it seemed, and everyone said it was beautiful. The pictures got round to my best friend and she, knowing me as well as she does, was concerned enough to send me the pictures to let me see for myself, without letting boyfriend know.

Well, I looked at them, and my first concern was that it was yellow gold, and I thought I could cry. I guess it was just the reflection on the metal, because I was assured it is white gold. The diamond is beautiful, "around 1 ct" canary yellow princess-cut. It seems like it''s "channel set" into the band, which is wider than the diamond at it''s widest part. That''s the part that concerns me. It looks more like a man''s wedding ring than a woman''s engagement ring, except for the giant yellow diamond. I really don''t know what it will look like on, but I don''t have giant man hands, and I don''t really wear any other jewelry on my hands. I have a terrible feeling it will look heavy and gaudy.

I just came here to vent, and to wonder if anyone else has pictures of their favorite wide-band rings on their hands for comparison. I got so obsessive about the whole thing, that now I feel deflated, and also terribly guilty for a) looking at the pictures before I was supposed to and b) not loving it when he and his family put so much time and effort into creating something so special for me.

There is no way I would say anything except for "I love it," and I''m sure I will, but I just wanted to be able to wear it every day, and it looks like I am not going to be able to, just based on the size of the band. I just wish I would have been more clear and said exactly what I wanted, instead of "I''m sure whatever you do will be fine." I should have looked at his mother''s jewelry and known that it would be in that style. I know it''s too late to wish everyone would have taken my preferences more seriously, but I just wanted to know if something like this happened to anyone else, and what came of that situation.

Thanks for reading this awfully long post.
 
Lookie-

Oh, I''m so sorry this happened! I''m sure everything will turn out alright, but here are a few words to remember. First of all, it sounds like you''ve found yourself a great guy and are inheriting a great family as well if they put all of this time and effort into getting you what they thought was the perfect ring. I wish I could say I put that much time and effort into finding my future FI''s ring, but I didn''t go the custom route. It sounds from your description that he got the lowest setting he could find, which is what you wanted, so he was listening to you, and I"m sure its white gold. If the lighting wasn''t very good in the pics, it could easily have been mistaken for yellow, I''m sure. And don''t forget that you haven''t seen it in person yet, so it might not be as big and bulky as you thought. But your guy sounds like a great one, and if you really, really don''t like it, you might be able to have it changed without too much hassle. But look at it first, and remember all the thought and effort that went into making it for you. Good luck, and I hope it turns out alright!
 
Yes, definitely wait until you see the ring in real life. You might like it. If not, I don''t see anything wrong with talking to him about it privately. Funny how such personal things like engagement rings become so public. I know they spent a lot of time and effort into the ring, but what good will it do if you hate it? Can you post the photos you got so we can all see and give you feedback and encouragement?
 
Hm ... your story reminds me a little bit of this lady's experience. I think you should wait and see how you feel about the ring once you see it in person: pictures can distort little details or provide the wrong impression. But, at the end of the day, if it turns out that the ring is actually uncomfortable to wear, or doesn't suit you ... well, you'll talk to your beau (great word!) about it. He sounds like a very caring, sensitive guy, and I'm positive he'll want you to be happy ....

ETA: lovely custom e-ring seems like it might fit the bill as well.
 
Let me see if I can figure out the picture thing...

Hope that worked.

DSC00967[2].JPG
 
Of course wait to see it and see how you feel, but don''t lie. Love the ring for the sentiment with which it was given, for the man who gave it, for the elements do like, but don''t lie and say you love it all and its perfect if it isn''t.

The engagement charade (boy magically picks out perfect ring suiting girl''s taste and surprises her) has issues, and this is one of them. I think it is a disservice to your relationship to just muffle your feelings if the ring turns out to be really not your style. That would be placing his feelings far above yours in importance, and if he is a thoughtful guy he ultimately will want you to be happy with your ring.

Of course it is a difficult subject to broach, but here are the choices:

1) Address the issue yourself, soon after the proposal, once you see the ring and decide if you can grow to love it or it is really ill suited to you.

2) Employ said friend to strongly direct your guy to a different style ring. This friend can shamelessly lie and say she showed you a very similar ring or whatnot, but this is what friends are for. ie. Samantha on Sex and the City saving Carrie from the yellow-gold monstrosity that Aidan and Miranda had picked out.

3) Accept proposal when it comes and let the ring issue lie. (and possibly address it much later.) While this is certainly the way out with the least conflict and potential for hurt feelings, it is not a great option if you really don''t care for the ring. Honest communication, even on difficult topics, is important. Good luck.
 
Oh, Oh no!
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Now that I''ve seen the picture let me strongly urge option 2 if at all possible!!! Stop this mess early!

My, some boys! I can see how he got there from your clues but that is just a stylistic miss (for most women''s taste.)
 
It''s already on the way to the states, and there are issues with simply mailing it back because of security problems. It would have to be personally courriered back to its home country.

I am convinced it''s actually a man''s ring. What I am not convinced of is if the sentiment is more important than the aesthetics of the ring. I hope I like it more when I see it.
 
I see what you mean. That certainly isn''t a thin band.
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I don''t know about you, but I have never been able to conceal my disappointment when something so eagerly awaited was not what I wanted. Jewelry is so personal, and it sounds like it does matter to you. By the way, we picked out my wedding set together, and I weigh in on all of my jewelry purchases now. We learned. Sounds like you might learn the hard way, as well.

But, still, it may be a very cool ring, and might fit great, and might be gorgeous in real life, so give it a chance first.
 
Hm. I''m a big fan of stream-lined modern e-rings (one of my board favorites is an atypical Mege that''s up in SMTR), but that really does look, a) very different from what you said you liked, and, b) kinda uncomfortable to wear. It looks like things get tricky when moms get involved in the e-ring designing process: you don''t want to give offense to anyone, but, at the same time, you shouldn''t have to wear a design that''s pretty much the polar opposite of what you like. When it arrives, if you don''t fall in love with the ring, there''s nothing wrong with telling your BF that you love the sentiment, and you love how much effort he and your FMIL put into it, but that it just isn''t comfortable. Afterwards, perhaps you could keep the setting for *him*, since he obviously likes it, and since it isn''t an explicitly female piece of jewelry? Or set it with a colored stone and give it to your FMIL as a present, if it''s v. much in her usual style?
 
Lookie,

Though I have tried (because it seems to be expected from women), I have never been one to dwell very happily in sentiment alone. Truthfully, I am not one who grows to love a piece of jewelry because of the sentiment with which it was given.

If you get the ring and really don''t like it, have the hard conversation with him, but do it gently. When you get married there will be other hard conversations. Perhaps if you are honest with him now he will be firmly grounded in the knowledge that he can trust that what you say to him will always be honest.

Good luck.
 
Date: 6/19/2008 5:17:51 PM
Author: lookie
Let me see if I can figure out the picture thing...


Hope that worked.

I don''t hate it. I think maybe since it''s not intended to be an engagement ring he was thinking that a thicker band would look less "engagement-y"? Possible? I don''t know...but I think it *might* look better on and you might like it on your hand once you see it. If you have short, stubby fingers (like me) it might not look great though.
 
the diamond looks beautiful. only you know your guy and how he'd feel. I would definitely not be able to keep quiet if my hubby gave me a ring that I didn't really love. i think if you can, you should discuss just resetting the stone into a setting that you'd like. i agree that the ring you posted totally looks like a man's ring.

any chance they'd be playing a trick on you to throw you off??
 
Date: 6/19/2008 6:48:39 PM
Author: mrssalvo
the diamond looks beautiful. only you know your guy and how he''d feel. I would definitely not be able to keep quiet if my hubby gave me a ring that I didn''t really love. i think if you can, you should discuss just resetting the stone into a setting that you''d like. i agree that the ring you posted totally looks like a man''s ring.

any chance they''d be playing a trick on you to throw you off??
No, I don''t think they are playing a joke. It''s never been a huge surprise so I don''t know why he''d go crazy to throw me off now.

The problem with resetting it is getting it back to the original jeweler, or spend more money on someone locally. I am just hoping that it fits my hand well and doesn''t make me walk with a lilt to the left. The more I resize it on my screen, the more the actual size seems like it will look nice. Here''s to hoping!
 
Date: 6/19/2008 6:55:10 PM
Author: lookie


The problem with resetting it is getting it back to the original jeweler, or spend more money on someone locally. I am just hoping that it fits my hand well and doesn''t make me walk with a lilt to the left. The more I resize it on my screen, the more the actual size seems like it will look nice. Here''s to hoping!

I wouldn''t mess with trying to send it back to the original jeweler. You can get thin inexpensive WG settings at most local jewelers who could easily re-set it for you at a pretty low cost if it''s an issue. I really hope when you see it you like it...
 
Almost this exact thing happened to me years ago with my first engagement ring. I knew that I wanted an emerald-cut tanzanite with emerald-cut diamonds sidestones in white gold, and I drew a picture that I showed to the jeweler with my fiance for the jeweler to make (the jeweler was a friend of my dad''s). Even though I drew a very simple, tiffany-style setting, the ring that my fiance presented to me was thicker than the stones, the stones were bezel set, and there was heavy engraving on all the gold. Even though I ddin''t love it, I didn''t want to say anything, because it was the ring that I got, and the jeweler was a family friend, but I was not happy with it, since it looked nothing like the drawing I gave him.

Thank goodness, though, when my mom saw it, she said, "it''s too big for your hand, it looks like a man''s ring on you" - I have small, slender fingers, like you. When I admitted that the style wasn''t what I had in mind, the jeweler offered to fix it for free, and my fiance just wanted me to have the ring that I originally wanted, so he didn''t mind that it was redesigned.

When your fiance gives you the ring, you can talk about the parts of it you like (the diamond, say) but maybe the next day mention that it''s cumbersome on your finger, or uncomfortable, and would like to redesign the gold. I don''t think he''ll mind - you should have a ring that you''re happy with.
 
That looks like a gorgeous diamond! It you love it, focus on that and maybe say, "I love this diamond. It is gorgeous, and I love the color (gushing here). I''ve worn the ring for a few days now and it''s just not going to work for me because it''s too bulky. The design is cool and has some features I like, but I think I would like to look for something that is easier to wear." I don''t see how he could be offended by that. Chances are, he spent the bulk of the money on the diamond itself which could easily be set into a simple solitaire for not too much money.
 
The diamond looks gorgeous, but yeah this ring does look like a man''s ring. Hoepfully you will be able to tell him how you feel. If you are getting married, you should be able to tell him your feelings. Just do it gently. Or wear it for a while and say, this is just too cumbersome, can I get a new setting, that is more comfortable?? Best of luck!!
 
Thanks for the great responses, everyone.

I think I am just going to wait until I get it and give it a good try. If I end up loving it, that would make the whole situation just wonderful, but I also like the idea of wearing it and proving that it might be too cumbersome.

I do really like the diamond though. That decision was spot-on. At least now I feel like some of my apprehension has shifted to excitement, and isn''t that supposed to be the dominant feeling of a person about to get engaged?
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It was rude of your friend to break his confidence. Obviously she is no friend to him
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I''m sure Cara means well, but her suggestion to use subterfuge is not one that I would follow. A marriage should be based on trust and honesty, not lies and manipulation. When having the "right" ring becomes more important than integrity, well that''s someone who doesn''t have their priorities straight IMO.

The stone looks lovely. Just have a talk with him when the time is right
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Well, the setting isn''t the most typical e-ring setting- as a surprise, it is a bit of an odd choice. I do agree with a few other posters that perhaps he went with what HE liked, not realizing it was more typically a men''s style.

However, thank goodness it looks like the diamond is pretty! That''s the important bit after all! I''m sure you could get it reset locally (presuming the original overseas jeweler wouldn''t do a return on the setting).

I imagine if you approach your fiance with tact and kindness there''s no huge deal there. I think men tend to be more sentimental about e-rings than women, though!
 
After you see it, if you end up not liking it and want a non-damaging way to tell your fiance that you prefer another setting, just emphasize that it isn''t comfortable to wear. Maybe tell him that it feels heavy and strains your knuckle or cramps your fingers, etc. If I were a guy, and I heard my fiancee stress how heavy and how uncomfortable the ring feels, I would take notice and try to accomodate her so that her finger/knuckle/hand wasn''t in pain. By presenting it in a practical manner, he''s more likely to see the practicality behind your reasoning and agree with you.

It''s really cool for a fashion, bold-statement style ring but I personally would prefer a thinner setting. The stone is so gorgeous and I would elect to showcase it more.
 
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