Looking for opinions on being a bridesmaid

[joflier]

So, I think most of you know my current story. For those of you who don''t, the long and short of it is that I''m in the early stages of going through a divorce.
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-need-some-encouragment-big-time.104632/ Feel free to browse the story if you feel like playing catch up, but there''s like 8 pages, so its kinda lengthy.

Anywho......on to my question. My best friend of about 15 years just got engaged a couple months ago. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was very honored, and of course, accepted! But.......there''s always one of those, isn''t there? She is soon to be exe''s cousin. She and the exe are not super close, but its still family. Part of me wants to gracefully bow out of being in her wedding. It would be complicated, and the exe will surely be there, as will his parents and the rest of the family - all of whom I have been very close to. I''m sure it would be awkward. And probably uncomfortable for some. But part of me still really wants to be in this wedding. She''s been such a dear friend for so long, and we''ve been dreaming and planning her day together for years! I''m also good friends with her fiance. And reguardless of what I choose to do with standing up, I''m still going to attend, so I guess part of me thinks it would just be awkward either way......I haven''t spoken to her about my thoughts on this yet. I will soon, but I wanted to hear what you guys think. I''m very conflicted about it, but I think I know in my heart that the right thing to do would be to bow out, as hard as that will be......

 

[Bia]

eek! That's tough. Honestly, I don't know what advice to give you. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I guess it depends on how important it is to you and how comfortable you'll feel. At the very least, it will be awkward and I wouldn't want to make her wedding planning any more complicated than it has to be. That's just my justification. But that wouldn't even be the real reason I'd bow out. I just plain wouldn't want to stand up there when its my ex's family.

Again, that's just me. I'm sure others will give you good reasons to feel it might be okay.


Good luck sweetie. And congrats to your friend!


ETA: I just reread your post. Actually, I sort of changed my mind. I forgot that you said she has been your best friend for 15 years. That changes things. She's not your friend by default (being your ex's cousin), she was your friend first (yes or no?). If she was, I'd do it for her. No problem.

Sorry if I just confused the hell out of you!

 

[jmtomaui]

I''m sorry Jo - this is a tough situation!

My first thought is that you should continue to remain in the wedding as one of her bridesmaids. You have been dreaming of, and planning for, this day together for years. You are dear friends. You are planning on going to the wedding even if you do not stand up with her. If I were you, I would feel more comfortable having something to "do" as part of the wedding rather than just as a guest. You can stay busy attending to the bride and groom for their needs. You can choose how much you want to interact with the ex family. You are able to stay in control of where you want or need to be as a member of the bridal party and don''t have to worry about where to sit, who to talk to, etc.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. It will not be an easy time whatever you decide. Take your "Verizon" network with you for support on that day. LOL

Julie

 

[somethingshiny]

I think you should ask her what she wants. You''ve been friends for a long time, but family is sure to be there. If you are a bm, someone''s feelings are going to be hurt in the family. If you AREN''T that person is likely HER. So, simply state your case and let her choose if she would rather keep peace in the family or have her best friend with her.

btw-that sucks that you are going through this.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/28/2009 4:39:00 PM
Author: Bia
eek! That''s tough. Honestly, I don''t know what advice to give you. If it were me, I wouldn''t be able to do it. I guess it depends on how important it is to you and how comfortable you''ll feel. At the very least, it will be awkward and I wouldn''t want to make her wedding planning any more complicated than it has to be. That''s just my justification. But that wouldn''t even be the real reason I''d bow out. I just plain wouldn''t want to stand up there when its my ex''s family.

Again, that''s just me. I''m sure others will give you good reasons to feel it might be okay.


Good luck sweetie. And congrats to your friend!


ETA: I just reread your post. Actually, I sort of changed my mind. I forgot that you said she has been your best friend for 15 years. That changes things. She''s not your friend by default (being your ex''s cousin), she was your friend first (yes or no?). If she was, I''d do it for her. No problem.

Sorry if I just confused the hell out of you!

Yes, she was my friend before the marriage.......Actually, she''s the one that introduced us. (well, except I was 12 or 13 at the time) but anyways, I personally think I can handle the awkwardness for myself. I was friends with the entire extended family long before I married into it. I just want to make sure she can handle any of the weirdness........its a big family, and will be a big wedding, so I could easily be lost in the shuffle. Except for my exe, I think everyone else could get past it.

 

[Porridge]

If you''re still going to attend, then do it! You''ll be so busy as BM you''ll have loads of excuses to escape awkward moments. But you could have an honest discussion with the bride about how you''re feeling, I''m sure she''s aware of it. She''s your friend, and you''re looking forward to it, so go for it!

 

[White Orchid]

Date: 1/28/2009 5:21:56 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I think you should ask her what she wants. You''ve been friends for a long time, but family is sure to be there. If you are a bm, someone''s feelings are going to be hurt in the family. If you AREN''T that person is likely HER. So, simply state your case and let her choose if she would rather keep peace in the family or have her best friend with her.


btw-that sucks that you are going through this.

My thoughts exactly. I''m very sorry you are in such an awful position.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 1/28/2009 6:06:23 PM
Author: White Orchid

Date: 1/28/2009 5:21:56 PM

Author: somethingshiny

I think you should ask her what she wants. You''ve been friends for a long time, but family is sure to be there. If you are a bm, someone''s feelings are going to be hurt in the family. If you AREN''T that person is likely HER. So, simply state your case and let her choose if she would rather keep peace in the family or have her best friend with her.

btw-that sucks that you are going through this.

My thoughts exactly. I''m very sorry you are in such an awful position.

Couldn''t have said this better myself. Hugs to you, and best of luck making this decision.

 

[lyra]

I agree, talk with her honestly about what *she* really wants. It''s her big day, and added stress is not good. If she sees no problem, then great. I''d just want to make sure you really can get to the bottom of her feelings. This is such a tough position!

 

[musey]

If it were me, I''d give her the option. Tell her that you know the situation has changed, and that you won''t be hurt/offended if she doesn''t think it would be appropriate anymore. If she still wants you to be a part of the wedding, then for her sake (and the sake of smoothing things over in general), I would go ahead with it. It''s just a few hours of awkwardness, and weddings (even small ones) are usually big enough to avoid people that you don''t want to converse with.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/28/2009 5:21:56 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I think you should ask her what she wants. You''ve been friends for a long time, but family is sure to be there. If you are a bm, someone''s feelings are going to be hurt in the family. If you AREN''T that person is likely HER. So, simply state your case and let her choose if she would rather keep peace in the family or have her best friend with her.

btw-that sucks that you are going through this.

Well put shiny.......I am going to talk to her about it. I''m afraid that she''s just too sweet of a person to say that she''d prefer me not stand up, even if that''s what she felt. I''m betting she''s probably got some mixed feelings as well.....but its still almost a year away, so she has a little time to think about it. I''m just trying to stay positive. Even without the wedding, its really hard having your lifelong best friend being your exe''s first cousin.

 

[purrfectpear]

Oh heck, a year from now even your STBX (soon-to-be-X) will have gotten over it.

She''s a BFF of 15 years. If she''s OK with it, I''d stand up with her

 

[Miranda]

I''d do it...And I''d bring a verrrry hunky date with me!

Sorry, that''s my very immature side coming out!

In all seriousness, talk to your friend. I''m positive she''ll be understanding. If I''ve learned anything in life it is that blood is NOT thicker than water! My guess is that it is more important for her to have you there than to have him there.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Do you want to be in the wedding? That's the most important part of this situation.

Your need to start thinking of things in terms of what matters to you...and put your husband in the backseat.

If this girl is your best friend, then I would consider being a bridesmaid very important. Divorce these days isn't like it "use to be"...you can maintain friendship within the family even if you're not longer a member. I could understant you have a moments hesitation if you did something wrong within the walls of your marriage, but you didn't cheat, or lie or anything else You didn't do anything wrong in your marriage. I want you to go to that wedding and hold you head up high, look amazing, and be amazing.

 

[choro72]

Fisrt I would suggest asking yourself if you want to be in the wedding. You already said that you will be able to hold your head high through the awkwardness (Kudos to you!), and if that''s true then I will suggest you to stay in the wedding party.

Now the only other question is if the bride will feel awkward, and as other posters suggested and as you have already said you will do, just ask her.

Good luck.

 

[joflier]

Thanks for your thoughtful posts everyone. I do really want to be a part of this wedding. But I am going to have a heart to heart with my friend to see where she''s at on the whole thing. I certainly don''t want to be rain on her wedding parade.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think you should stick with it and be in the wedding - you were going to do it for her, and you are still doing it for her. Yes, it will be awkward with the ex, but its her day and her FI''s day, and I think that if she didn''t want you to be there she would let you know but otherwise you should assume its still important to her. If you feel strongly that it might be an issue, its not a horrible idea to offer her the option of having you bow out, but I''d plan to stick with your original plan of being in the wedding unless she says otherwise.

 

[Kelli]

I would absolutely not bow out, but that''s just stubborn me. You''re going to be there anyway, so what''s the difference? You may as well at least get to be involved in all the fun girly stuff she wants you there for. Many of the bridesmaids'' jobs actually happen before the big day right? It seems that it wouldn''t make that much of a difference to be walking down the aisle than be in the seats anyway.

 

[D2B]

You should ask her what she wants.

Ex''s come and go, iykwim, but good friends are hard to come by.

my 2 cents worth
D2b

 

[monarch64]

Joflier, I am also going through a divorce and it is difficult for me to say exactly what I would do in your situation. I think that since you were friends with this gal long before you were married to your stbx, that you should NOT bow out. If anyone should feel uncomfortable, it should be your stbx for pete''s sake.

 

[tlh]

She was your friend BEFORE you got married. This makes a difference. I would say go ahead and be a bridesmaid, and help all along the way. She could use you there, as you said she is a dear friend. The EX is a cousin... not brother... so I would do it. I understand your hesitation, and in that aspect not take the role of HONOR (where you have to give speaches or toasts)... but just be a bridesmaid. The bridesmaids yes are visible, but no one really cares about them. The eyes are on the bride and groom. Just do your best to highlight your friend, and remain in the shadows. (In the sense of not drawing attention to yourself.) Also, I would not really encourage you to bring a date... normally yes, but seeing as it could cause some hard feelings to see you canoodling on the dance floor w/ the mega-watt HOTTIE... but it might draw attention away from your friend... and I think it might be better if you are there for her support. Besides, the bride needs you all day, when she is getting ready, and getting photos taken... the evening is a little more of a free for all. Maybe you can just make sure that she has refreshments, and if she has a HUGE bustle, you could do bathroom duty!

Best wishes. This is tough. I would normally say to ask the bride, but she most likely already thought about this before asking you. If you ask her, she may think you are saying you are NOT comfortable with this role, and there could be a weird mental guessing game of what do you want... you know how us ladies are. HUGS!

 

[Rhea]

The wedding is a year away. How much helping are you doing for the bride right now? I think I''d wait a couple of months before asking the bride. She could very well be feeling pressure from her family that isn''t there in 3 or 6 months time.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:06:12 AM
Author: tlh
She was your friend BEFORE you got married. This makes a difference. I would say go ahead and be a bridesmaid, and help all along the way. She could use you there, as you said she is a dear friend. The EX is a cousin... not brother... so I would do it. I understand your hesitation, and in that aspect not take the role of HONOR (where you have to give speaches or toasts)... but just be a bridesmaid. The bridesmaids yes are visible, but no one really cares about them. The eyes are on the bride and groom. Just do your best to highlight your friend, and remain in the shadows. (In the sense of not drawing attention to yourself.) Also, I would not really encourage you to bring a date... normally yes, but seeing as it could cause some hard feelings to see you canoodling on the dance floor w/ the mega-watt HOTTIE... but it might draw attention away from your friend... and I think it might be better if you are there for her support. Besides, the bride needs you all day, when she is getting ready, and getting photos taken... the evening is a little more of a free for all. Maybe you can just make sure that she has refreshments, and if she has a HUGE bustle, you could do bathroom duty!

Best wishes. This is tough. I would normally say to ask the bride, but she most likely already thought about this before asking you. If you ask her, she may think you are saying you are NOT comfortable with this role, and there could be a weird mental guessing game of what do you want... you know how us ladies are. HUGS!

She asked me to be in her wedding before the divorce/seperation situation occured. If she asked me after this happened, I wouldn''t be thinking twice about it.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:47:20 AM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/29/2009 10:06:12 AM
Author: tlh
She was your friend BEFORE you got married. This makes a difference. I would say go ahead and be a bridesmaid, and help all along the way. She could use you there, as you said she is a dear friend. The EX is a cousin... not brother... so I would do it. I understand your hesitation, and in that aspect not take the role of HONOR (where you have to give speaches or toasts)... but just be a bridesmaid. The bridesmaids yes are visible, but no one really cares about them. The eyes are on the bride and groom. Just do your best to highlight your friend, and remain in the shadows. (In the sense of not drawing attention to yourself.) Also, I would not really encourage you to bring a date... normally yes, but seeing as it could cause some hard feelings to see you canoodling on the dance floor w/ the mega-watt HOTTIE... but it might draw attention away from your friend... and I think it might be better if you are there for her support. Besides, the bride needs you all day, when she is getting ready, and getting photos taken... the evening is a little more of a free for all. Maybe you can just make sure that she has refreshments, and if she has a HUGE bustle, you could do bathroom duty!

Best wishes. This is tough. I would normally say to ask the bride, but she most likely already thought about this before asking you. If you ask her, she may think you are saying you are NOT comfortable with this role, and there could be a weird mental guessing game of what do you want... you know how us ladies are. HUGS!

She asked me to be in her wedding before the divorce/seperation situation occured. If she asked me after this happened, I wouldn''t be thinking twice about it.

Ohhhh. Now I understand the tummy ache! I am sorry... but I certainly hope that your divorce doesnt change your friendship, or has it? Since your divorce has been in some cases a little nasty on the part of the EX, I don''t know if this would change anything. So..Yes, I would have a talk with her. (Sorry about the HUGE miss on my part!)
But I do have to say, you are a lovely woman, and I certainly think you aren''t the wicked heartbreaker your ex may be trying to paint you out to be, and I am sure a friend for 15 years KNOWS this.
HA! I actually have a friend for 15+ years and sometimes she purposefully DOESNT tell me about things because I know the history too well , and she CANT change the story on me!

But one thing I know, is that we''ve been there for each other, for good times, milkshakes, and bra fittings. Guess who developed??? (Nope, it wasn''t me.

) I don''t think a messy divorce would change her wanting you to be a part of such a special day. Because, as one visit to the BWW will tell you... it isn''t just one day... it is a life altering/ draining? process. Who better to stand by her than YOU?
HUGS!

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/29/2009 11:08:11 AM
Author: tlh
Ohhhh. Now I understand the tummy ache! I am sorry... but I certainly hope that your divorce doesnt change your friendship, or has it? Since your divorce has been in some cases a little nasty on the part of the EX, I don''t know if this would change anything. So..Yes, I would have a talk with her. (Sorry about the HUGE miss on my part!)
But I do have to say, you are a lovely woman, and I certainly think you aren''t the wicked heartbreaker your ex may be trying to paint you out to be, and I am sure a friend for 15 years KNOWS this.
HA! I actually have a friend for 15+ years and sometimes she purposefully DOESNT tell me about things because I know the history too well , and she CANT change the story on me!

But one thing I know, is that we''ve been there for each other, for good times, milkshakes, and bra fittings. Guess who developed??? (Nope, it wasn''t me.

) I don''t think a messy divorce would change her wanting you to be a part of such a special day. Because, as one visit to the BWW will tell you... it isn''t just one day... it is a life altering/ draining? process. Who better to stand by her than YOU?
HUGS!

Thanks tlh! That''s a very sweet post. I do hope it will all turn out ok for everyone. I''m just so excited for her and her fiance, and just want to do whatever I can to help make that day perfect for her, whatever that entails.

 

[Erin]

I''d say give it a few months for the family rumor mill to start forming an opinion. Then ask your friend what she thinks. Otherwise, your life will be so different a year from now.... what better way to move on from your ex than to stand in the same room wearing a gorgeous dress, looking fabulous and having fun? I wouldn''t want you to miss out on any of the memories with your best friend because of what he or his family may be whispering. Who cares what they think anyway? Especially a year from now!