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Long Rant Ahead: Finding uncertain future to be very stressful!

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firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
My fi''s situation is driving me up the freaking wall! He''s miserable at work, he gets headaches and stomach pains, comes home from work and often needs quiet time alone for half an hour.
He''s been miserable at work pretty much since I''ve known him and every single time it looks like it''ll get better it gets worse. New management made it a thousand times worse, changing groups didn''t help... etc.. I don''t even think he''s gotten his ph.d raise that''s supposed to be automatic so he''s now running a project but is paid far less than anyone else he works with! (thankfully he never takes his stress out on me, so it''s not like we''re arguing or anything, TG for that!)

Granted he''s not alone, most of the people from his previous group are leaving for other jobs and everyone at the company is stressed. The stress is so bad that it''s affecting the whole community including the elementary school kids! The place is a disaster right now, it''s undergoing big changes and no one really knows what the company will be like in a year. (It''s too big to die). However, this was always his dream place to work, and there are very few places were he can work on the same kind and diversity of inter-disciplinary projects.

He keeps talking about finding another job, but he hasn''t yet taken any real action. He has good reasons for not wanting to make a quick change, but I''m getting really impatient and I don''t truly understand all of his reasons. I know he''s worried about future funding, burning bridges, and the fact that he''s trying to change research areas.

He''s had an offer from a colleague that would be great for his career, there are job openings available in california that would be an easy transfer since the company there is a competitor and collaborator with his current company so the projects would be similar and he knows people there. There''s an opening in washington state at a great company, and his colleagues in oregon (2 hours from his family) have repeatedly expressed interest in having him join them and even continue his current research. (but he hasn''t talked specifics with them yet, as in do they actually have the money?). There''s also a local job opening at a super prestigious place that would be perfect for him, but he says he couldn''t get it because he doesn''t have papers in the right area yet! My father even got the guy who founded the place to send my fi the contact number for the director.

Most of the places are in different states, and I know he finds (like me) the idea of packing up this house and selling it to be kinda daunting (ok really daunting). Especially since we''re just finishing up packing up his house and spiffing it up to go on the market. (on the plus side we live a hour away from his company so the housing market isn''t dead) But I feel like we''re in such limbo right now. I just don''t see how this could possibly be tenable much longer. Besides, I really don''t want him to be miserable and stressed right before our wedding in March. I''d prefer it if we could be looking forward to a hopeful and new future! (I wouldn''t mind the chance to start our lives in a new house we both own).

One of the reasons this is really stressing me out right now is the fact that I''ve gone back to college for my bachelors in computer science. So far the classes I''ve taken are very similar across the board to all other computer science programs and would transfer easily. Next semester I''ll be taking care of most of the remaining 200lvl classes which would probably transfer to most programs but not all. Anything after this will be much harder to transfer.

If we do move I''d prefer the northwest, and all the programs there are on fall, winter, spring schedules, so I could easily start a new semester shortly after we get married, and not fall behind like I would if we went somewhere else. There''s still time to apply for degree status at those universities. (not having midterms the day before we fly out to the wedding is a bonus). I honestly would much prefer to move in the next couple of months and I''m not above taking advantage of my parents generosity and asking for moving help as our wedding present.


Ok, I hadn''t gotten to the specific reason why I''m so stressed right now. I''m currently a non-degree student and I''ve applied for degree status for next semester. However something went wrong with them receiving my transcript from the local community college (one frigging pre-calc class to get me back up to speed! grr), so my application wasn''t complete until a month after the deadline and is finally on the pile to be looked at... eventually. (oddly it didn''t arrive until after I called several people and insisted they go physically look) I will hopefully get a response by the time classes actually start in January.


Meanwhile I can''t register for classes as a non-degree with the application outstanding. To make life more complicated, for rather long-winded reasons, if I don''t register soon, the cs classes may be canceled at the place I want to take them. Yet I''m reluctant to launch a real campaign to get my application jumped to the head of the line when the future is still so uncertain. Perhaps the application mess-up was really fate in disguise?
What if we''re moving in the next few months? Maybe I should just tell them to drop the application and do another semester as non-degree. Maybe it''d be easier to get into a different, more rigorous university if I''d been accepted to this one. I just don''t freaking know what to do!!


I can''t tell him how stressed out this is making me. He''s like an overloaded camel, if I''m not careful i''ll just be putting that last straw on. I need to let him make his decision about what''s best for him in peace and in his own time. But it''s driving me fricking crazy!!
 

aprilcait

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 17, 2006
Messages
788
Indie, I''m sorry you''re going through such a rough time! Eventually, things will even out (even though it may not seem possible right now). I would suggest that you sit down with your FI and seriously discuss solutions for each issue that you are facing and make a timeline for when each action to reach those solutions can and will be made. Unless solutions are discovered and steps are made towards them, problems only grow.

For now, take some deep breaths and know that the girls (and guys) at PS are hear to listen and help. **HUG**
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Oh honey I''m sorry.

At the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006 I was interviewing in different states and my fiance was wondering how much $$ to devote to his business... well we didn''t hear anything from the out of state jobs so he devoted some serious $$ to his business. Well... in September I got the call for my job here in CA (we lived in NJ)... and now... well, they''ve TOLD me I will be made permanent but due to internal politics and the end of the quarter coming up... that''s not happening till January/February! But I only had vacation in December to do the move.... so we''re moving... uprooting FI''s business ($$ wasted) ... we can''t sell our house cause we''ve had it for less than two years so we''re renting it out... PLUS I just moved into a one bedroom apartment here where RENT is more than my MORTGAGE in NJ! And that was for a house with three bedroms! So FI and I totally understand your frustration honey. All I can do is ignore it, not think about it and take each day as it comes. In retrospect it weas a bad idea to have FI devote the funds to his business... but hindsight is 20/20 and if the job I had been offered were in NJ... it would have been a good decision. But with things like that... how can you know? You can''t so you do the best you can with the information at hand... and if it ends up being a bad choice... just move from there and don''t dwell.

I don''t know if this helps you... but its what''s been keeping me sane.
 

CrownJewel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
1,895
Just take everything step by step. It seems like a hurricane of decisions that need to be made between the two of you and it''s tough to sort through.

What''s the first/earliest "thing" that may happen? Will you hear from school before your fiance will decide something about work? I agree that you should make a timeline...when will "x" happen? If that happens, then I can do "y." Haha...sort of like writing a program...LOOP IF blah blah THEN blah blah UNTIL "decision=made". I mean it may not work so nicely and organized like a program might, but it helps to sort your priorities out.
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
*sigh* Well, unless something major happens, I sort of doubt he''ll actually apply to a job he could get before we leave for christmas. (as therapy he did apply for a job he''s not really qualified for).
Basically this is finals week for me, which means that if I don''t do something about the application in the next couple of days, there really is nothing I can do until january. Now classes don''t start until the third week so there is some leeway. I suppose I could count on the branch campus not canceling any classes until after the holiday break, so maybe I should just not worry the whole application/non-degree thing until after we get back from our vacation.

I guess the logical thing for me to do is to concentrate on all the stuff I have to do before we leave (chem final tomorrow, purging and cleaning my house to make more room for his stuff, packing the rest of his stuff left at his house, managing the movers, unpacking his stuff, getting tires for his car, getting an oil change for his car, christmas shopping, work....
... and he wonders why I want him to get a new job?) We''re driving to Oregon since it''ll give us time to decompress before we see his family. .. Why didn''t I think of this before? His mother! We''re spending two whole weeks in Portland with his folks, all I have to do is gently point out to his mother how bad this has to be for his blood pressure and stand back and let her do all the work. She''s not normally the meddling sort, but she is a mother and she''s like a very calm, logical force of nature.
 

CrownJewel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
1,895
Yes absolutely the only thing you have any control over right now are your exams. Focus on those. Great idea about his mom! Mothers sometimes have great advice.

Good luck on your exams!! It will all work out.
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Well, there''s apparently a flaw with the ''worry about it during/after christmas break'' approach. The minor fact that there''s currently a mass exodus from his company translates into a flood of people, many in fi''s fields, all looking at the same job openings. I just found out that one of his co-workers is taking a job with his friends in oregon, which might mean there''s not enough money for fi to go there now. *sigh* That''s where I''ve been really hoping we''ll end up, too.
I keep telling myself it''ll work out for the best... but ... oh well.
Thanks for letting me vent!


Well, off to my chem final... long live mountain dew, the preformance enhancing drug!
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
Hmm... I don''t think this is entirely a matter for relaxing and trying to bury your stress.

You are worried about very legitimate time sensitive things that your FI could be doing, and is not doing (or at least, not fast enough) that will have a significant impact on your life together in the near future!

I think you need to have a really serious conversation with him, because this isn''t a situation where one person should be able to just procrastinate to their hearts content while the other person sits there driving themselves bonkers with what ifs and if only they woulds... And you quickly end up resenting him when you are stuck in the situation you dread but might have been able to avoid in 6 months from now. I say this as a procrastinator, He needs to appreciate your anxiety on this and agree to meet you at least halfway cause this current situation in which you feel you just need to put your life and schooling on hold while he takes his sweet time is not fair.

As a second matter, I think that he has subsisted in a job that is physically causing him stress for so long is not a good sign, in a way that means he will endure a significant amount of unpleasantness to avoid taking action. That is his nature. I mean, not dealing with the paperwork hassle for a raise is costing the two of you money! He has prioritized his dislike of paperwork hassle over your finances. He is currently prioritizing his dislike of jobsearching over your schooling, over your anxiety! I''d be worried that he''ll deal with other important life things in the future like this - endure lots and lots of misery to avoid taking action promptly. Don''t notice that indecision and indefinite plans are driving my SO crazy.

Now, it might be that your expectations that he find a job this week are unrealistic, or whatever, but at least you two should sit down and discuss the game plan in detail and agree to it - so then you''ll feel that he is making an effort and that you know where you should enroll, etc.
 
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