Long Distance Relationships

[leeenie]

I don''t post much, but I''m here quite often...I love reading all tlhe posts but have been wary of getting "sucked in"...but given how much time I spend here, it really doesn''t make a difference

Has anyone dealt with a long-distance relationship or is anyone in one now? I''m currently in a different city from my boyfriend of 5 years, due to my decision to attend a grad school here (I could have attended one in the same city, but chose not to for various reasons). That was a big deal and he wasn''t exactly happy about it, but we''ve put that behind us. I''ve been here for 1.5 years and have about 1.5 more years before we could be together, but it''s tough sometimes. I''m really busy with school so it''s not like I have tons of time to mope around, but it''s still pretty lonely (it''s not like I can really complain because it was my decision.) We''re planning to get married after I graduate and move to the same city (and get engaged before next June), but it just seems so far away...how do you deal with this? Oh, we''re able to see each other about every 3 weeks for a weekend. Transferring isn''t an option for varoius reasons.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[MINE!!]

Welcome teagreen.

I cannot say that I have any advice for you. Sorry... But if it is meant to be.. you will be stronger for it. I was once married to a navy man that I would not see for long periods of time, Matter-0f-fact... the first three years of our marriage, I saw him a total of 6 weeks. It was hard.... and I am not a very good person when it comes to that.. I hated hated hated it!!!

I know it must be difficult. Are you able to email each other? When my hubby was in London for 8 weeks we emailed each other almost everyday (too exspensive to call). THANK GOD for email. But I am sure this must be difficult. Hang in there and good luck to you.

Hopefully someone with a similiar experience will chime in soon!

 

[SoonIHope]

It may be too expensive to CALL all the time, but if you both have access to the internet, have you tried Skype? It''s a free online phone service (speak and listen through the computer) but the sound quality is REALLY good and you don''t feel bad just leaving it on for hours. When my boyfriend was in China for almost a month, we would just leave it on during the time that we were both home & awake even if we were doing something else and couldn''t talk at the moment just because it was so nice to know that if you DID say something, he''d hear you. It''s free and very easy to set up, and the sound quality really is better than a regular phone! www.skype.com

 

[leeenie]

Thanks for the responses, MINE & albicocca.

Fortunately, there''s no problem with phone access, we''re both in the US and share a cell phone plan - but I''ve found it''s hard to conduct a meaningful relationship over the phone. It''s not like our lives are so exciting that we have tons of issues to talk about - and neither of us finds it worthwhile to talk about our days (which are usually just like every other one). We talk and/or email every few days. It''s just being apart and not being able to share in someone''s daily life the way you can when you''re together every day...but again, it was my choice. Just looking to see if anyone else has dealt with it and how they made it more bearable

 

[snuga]

Hi Teagreen,

I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together over 5 years and also attend different schools. He actually transferred to a school that was closer two years ago because the first 2 years apart were really difficult. At that time we only saw each other every 4-6 weeks for the weekend. We only talked once or twice a week. It was extremely difficult. Maintaining a relationship over the phone and internet is certainly not easy, and it definitly takes its toll. We decided that our relationship would suffer if something did not change. After a lot of talking, we decided that he move closer to me. Now I get to see him every weekend, because I work in the same city as he goes to school in (it''s only about 2 hours away from my school). I know that transferring is not an option for you, but hopefully you can find some other way to stay connected to your boyfriend.

I don''t have any great advice to make this time easier for you although I truly believe that my relationship with my boyfriend was strengthened from being apart. I like to stick to the philosophy that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and you certainly never take the time together for granted after being apart so long ("You don''t know what you got till its gone"). I hope that you can find some way to maintain your relationship with your boyfriend. It''s not forever, although I KNOW it feels like it is. Just keep the lines of communication open and express your anxieties/fears about being apart. Let him know that you miss him and love him. That is all you can really do in this situation.

Good Luck and keep us posted!

 

[micci]

I know that it seems very difficult to see how to have a "normal" relationship like other people. but I know that it can be done, it just takes some unusual and creative steps.
I''ve been in a long distance relationship for the last 4+ years. For the first 3 years he lived in North Carolina, and I live in Canada. thank Goodness for free nights and weekends on the cell phone!! we found that it was all of the "everyday" things that other people take for granted that we were missing most. he would call me on his cell as he was grocery shopping.... and ask me what I wanted for dinner, or what kind of soup to buy, so it would be like I was there. we made the effort to say goodnight to each other by phone every day. sometimes on of us was so tired that would be all we''d say... but I knew that when we were together we would be doing that.
when he lived in NC we would only be able to get together once every 6-8 weeks, as it was a 12 hour drive each way. so on the weekends we were together we tried to do the everyday things. it seemed like at first it was to easy to fall into every weekend would have to be a "fantasy date" but those things don''t sustain. so we would cook dinner together, bike ride or hike... even fold clothes. now that he lives in Detroit, and is only 2.5 hours away we see each other every weekend.... but we still say good night every night.
we have started the process for me to sponser him into Canada. hopefully by this time next year we''ll be fighting over closet space and who has to empty the dishwasher.

hang in there, and sit down with him and figure out what you can do to be part of each others lives as mush as is possible until you can spend forever together.

sorry for the long post.

 

[megan]

Hi Teagreen!

I'm in a similar boat. My FI and I are on two different coasts.

It's been rough since like you said, we cannot share the little things in life and simply spend time together. We are getting married May of next year and one of us will move (not sure who yet

)

We usually talk every night, and all through out the weekend (luckily none of us are the social butterfly type so we do have lots of time for each other). When we are just running errands or doing household chores, we would have each other on the phone (thank god for cell-to-cell plans and headsets!

). During the weekdays, we both hang on IM at work and talk over IM all through out the day as well. We also try to visit each other at least once a month, so that we can spend time together and enjoy those little things that everyone else takes for granted.

I think a big part of long distance relationship is to talk about everything. We have been in situations where we didn't want to bring up something because we are so far apart and it seems that just "talking" about it won't help anyway. But that didn't work out for us. A relationship is hard enough without the distance, so open communication is really important. My FI and I talk about absolutly anything and everything, so we feel very in tune with each other's life. Nothing is too small to be a topic!

Good luck!
Megan

 

[Regular Guy]

It was some 16 years ago that I had moved away from my "girlfriend," without even the representation that we would continue. There was the intent to continue to see her. It seems like almost monthly she would meet me in Boston, and I would fly there from Halifax, after having parted ways in New Haven, CT. So, I think your continuing to meet every 3 weeks will assist.

Also, I had it prearranged that she would get flowers from me...I think it was once a month. Unless it was weekly; I don''t remember clearly. Unfortunately, I also went into debt. But I''m glad I did it.

Somehow, not understanding you are cranking it up to keep it, but to allow the space for the relationship to continue to work...I wish you well with this; good relationships are precious. My marriage of some 16 years has been this for me.

Warm regards,

 

[leeenie]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts.

kalispera: how nice to finally be together more often. You''re right, it feels like forever! Even though I''m pretty busy, it seems like time passes so slowly.

micci: that''s nice how you guys share little daily things like that...it would be hard for us to do that with our schedules. 6-8 weeks is even harder than what we have to do, so good job with that! Glad you can see e/o more often now. Yeah, we have very "regular" weekends when we''re together as well.

Megan: only May - not too far away! We try to talk when we''re apart but substantive, discussion-worthy issues just don''t come up that often and we''re not the type of ppl who chat about little things (to anyone). But i''m glad it''s worked for you and I hope you come to an agreeable decision on who''s going to move!

Regular Guy, thanks for the encouragement. I know this will work out in the long run, but it''s just right now that time is ticking tooo slowly.

 

[JCJD]

Hi teagreen-
Although I''m not an LIW anymore, our story is similar. I went to college 2 states away from my HS sweetheart and we saw each other on breaks and about once every 10 weeks. AIM and free nights and weekend minutes were relationship-savers! You can look me up and find details of our story here on PS, but I can tell you that the distance was critical to making our relationship work. We were so young when we got together that we didn''t really know how to communicate effectively, and taking the relationship to communication-only helped us to mature and grow those skills.

I would actually recommend living in the same city for a while before you even get engaged... Graduate school is a HUGE time of growth, even more so than college for me, and you two will have a bit of readjusting to do. I was in grad school for 1.5 years (in the same city as bf) when we got engaged, and trust me - we needed the 1.5 years of living in the same city (let alone same state!) to readjust to the "new" relationship aspects.

HTH and good luck! Distance isn''t easy, but it can be incredibly worthwhile and informative!

 

[MelissaSue]

My FI and I were never REALLY long distance. When we first started dating though, we lived about two hours apart from one another. Not super far, but it was far enough. We ddint'' really know any different.. saw each other most weekends.. and occasional other visits..This was for one semester Then we had the summer together in the same town, saw each other every night.. we were crazy in love..
and the second semester of long distance was TORTURE. I got super depressed..didn''t think we were gonna make it. I just didn''t know what to do with myself. The other bad thing about the second semester is that even though he was living closer (he was only about one hour from me), he was living at home with his parents, so there were a lot of new pressures.. his mom used to freak out when he''d drive the hour to visit me during the school week.
So, the third semester I moved back home and commuted to school. It wasn''t the fix all I''d hoped it be.. but we worked everything out.. and now three years later, we are getting married!

 

[valeria101]

Date: 10/16/2005 10:17:09 PM
Author:teagreen

I''ve been here for 1.5 years and have about 1.5 more years before we could be together, but it''s tough sometimes.

''Been there done that... about four times as long as you have and counting. In the meantime, there were quite a few colleagues with similar problems - all of us international grad students, some married with spuoses and children years and continents away until the next encounter. Not funny. It never got any pleasanter than you describe

We talked allot (including via the internet, as I was in a different country) and I am not sure that helped either.

The only good part was that the times when we did get together were very intense. Perhaps nothing else but some amount of longhing can make time together so meaningful. And those weren''t all happy or easy times either.

Date: 10/16/2005 10:17:09 PM
Author:teagreen

We''re planning to get married after I graduate and move to the same city (and get engaged before next June), but it just seems so far away...how do you deal with this?

Oh, that is great! I didn''t know that much. Can you imagine worrying about where that relationship is going in the meantime? Hope not...

I wish I knew about this forum (or any, a matter of fact) when I most needed it. Pricescope is great for taking a break from serious worries to (seriously !

) consider pleasanter ones such as the number of prongs on an engagegemtn ring. And there is serious support around when needed too. It is not addictive (saying this from behind 10k posts

).


Hope this helps a bit!

 

[valeria101]

Date: 10/17/2005 12:35:43 PM
Author: albicocca

When my boyfriend was in China for almost a month, we would just leave it on during the time that we were both home & awake even if we were doing something else and couldn't talk at the moment just because it was so nice to know that if you DID say something, he'd hear you.

OMG! same here...

Teagreen, it is awesome to have only small talk and no life and death matters to talk about, LOL! You don't want those. One year of school shouldn't be allot - it feels so, but one day you will look back and laugh. These will be nice memories some day - don't erase those emails, even if they don't contain I don't know what thrilling story!

 

[MissAva]

Oh honey I know how you feel. It is not much fun to be so far apart. I have been dating my SO for nearly five years and we are so far apart that we rarely get to see each other. He is in NY and I am AL. I am sorry to say that without Verizion and AIM things would not be nearly and good for us. We both love to write letters, but I have more then 20 people I write weekly (I was an Air Force kid and thus miss old friends). I think somethings can help though. I try to keep busy to make sure that I have enought things to make me happy. I hate being on the phone and not having a thing to say. It is difficult and it hurts to be apart. I wish I could say that things get better or easier, for us I have to say we now get to the crux of issues lightening fast. Both of us are in school and need to study and whatnot and we do not suffer the fights and issues that are common of other couples our age and do much better with expressing ourselves. I wish I could offer words of comfort but my first thought was 1.5 years, thats nothing. And seeing each other every three is nice as well, I am jealous. Make sure that you have enough in your in life to make you happy, go out walking, read books, do whatever you can to make your life more full and intreasting.

 

[Blue824]

Oy long distance, I don''t wish it on anyone! When I first met my bf, it was right before I was heading to Rome to study. Then we were in the same city for a little while, then I went to Paris to study again...after that we finally had a year in the same city! And it was fabulous. But since I hated the city we went to school in, it was clear from day one that I was moving back home as soon as we graduated...unfortunately, the grad program he found and liked was there. We decided to do long distance for the two years it was going to take him to complete his masters. At first it was ok, but with my work schedule and his work/school schedule and tight money, we couldn''t visit quite as often as we had hoped. After about 10 mos it became incredibly clear that if we wanted this to work, we needed to be together....so he transferred schools this summer, about a 1yr3mos after we started our long distance. Maybe it wasn''t his top choice school, but we''re both significantly happier, so it is worth it for us in the long run.

Phones, emails and AIM were our saviors. We never would''ve survived my European studies and this past year with out them. You don''t even want to know how much money I spent calling DC from Rome, it still makes me sick! Also, the mail. We would occasionally send cards to each other, or care packages, and they were great surprises to get in the mail, really make you smile because they''re unexpected, as big or small as they were. Probably his most favorite thing was when I flew out totally surprising him. He still talks about how I pulled that one over him and how perfect it was. We were on the phone just having one of our normal conversations, asking him what he was up to for the night, he was going to his friend''s for dinner...I was like I bet you dinner at my favorite restaurant that you won''t end up going, and so he of course took the bet determined to go out...and then as he walked into his lobby he saw me waiting there

The look of shock was perfect, and I know it meant so much. And of course I got my dinner, hehe. But really, its a lot of little things along the way that help. And lots of communication. And keep up your regular visits. I really think that was why we couldn''t handle the long distance.

You''ll get through it, you''re half way there! Always feel free to come here and share, as you can see, a lot of us have been through the long distance and can empathize.

 

[HOUMedGal]

I sooo know how you feel!!!

My fiance and I are smack in the middle of the 3 years we''ll have to spend apart...actually, at Christmas it will have been 1.5yrs that we''ve been living 3 hours away from each other, and it''ll be another 1.5yrs before we get married.

Granted, our travel time isn''t bad at 3 hours, but it''s still far enough that we can''t just decide to jump up and go have dinner with each other whenever we want to. We see each other every 2 weeks or so...sometimes every weekend, but sometimes we go 3 weeks in between seeing each other too. It''s rough, but it''s so do-able, especially if you have a goal in sight, a "light at the end of the tunnel."

Honestly, I think the year and a half has gone by pretty fast...we both just try to keep busy with our schooling (I''m in med school, he''s getting his PhD) and keep our minds off of how much we miss each other. Having a "family plan" for our cell phones helps also, as we get to talk to each other for free!!

Good luck, and feel free to vent more on here if you get frustrated!!!

 

[leeenie]

Thanks everyone! Nice to hear how others have fared. I guess life is all about choices (if you''re lucky, which I consider myself), and living with those choices. So I know I can''t complain too much (especially to him, because he was so against my decision to come here, but that''s another story).

Unlike JCJD, we were actually in the same city when I was in college, but the funny thing is that it felt a little like long distance at the time because we both weren''t ready to have a relationship "at the next level" - I was young, and he was adjusting to a very stressful work schedule. So we only saw each other on weekends then too. He became "ready for more" when I was applying to grad schools, but I wasn''t quite yet, and I''m ambitious, so I chose not to stay in the same city...but now, a year later, I feel like I''ve had enough

I''ve had the experience of starting out in a new place completely on my own and knowing no one; of being challenged and rising to the challenge by myself, and living on my own (without roommates) and taking care of myself. So now I finally feel ready for "more" in the relationship, BUT now it''s not feasible due to the circumstances! Oops! Heh.

I could (and do) try to distract myself by doing little entertaining things in my free time...but unfortunately right now that leads to ogling/obsessing over DIAMONDS and various wedding paraphernalia on the internet and in magazines...probably not the best hobby for me right now!

wow valeria and Matatora, I can''t imagine doing long distance for 5-6+ years!

Matatora, I hate being on the phone and having nothing to say too. So we just don''t talk a lot! Everyone I know thinks that is kind of weird, but he''s not a "phone" person and neither of us are very chatty, so avoiding the empty silence seems like a better option. We''re both busy and don''t have tons of time to chat/IM anyway, but since the majority of my time and obligations are spent on things that are not what I love to do, it''s just hard that the leftover time can''t be spent more enjoyably...but oh well.

Blue, cute surprise!

HouMedGal, JCJD, & MelissaSue: I think we are about the same age. On one hand, I always felt like I wouldn''t get married until I was older, because I wanted to have an established career first and that''s what my mom did, and even my boyfriend wonders why I''m suddenly so "ready" because of my age (he''s a few years older), but I feel like when you are, you are! I''m done!!! Oh, and I''m also one of those people with something like a "5-year plan" and I''m hyper-aware of my own fertility...I know it sounds crazy, but I want to have at least 2 kids, and my mom had trouble after she had me, so I definitely want at least 1 when I''m close to age 30.

HouMedGal, looks like we''re on the same timeline! But bf & I aren''t engaged yet. He says it won''t "change anything" practically in our situation...true, it won''t...uh huh, but who loves waiting?

 

[MissAva]

It is hard to do long distance with out a love of being on the phone...and I know how you feel about being busy. I think you must be a year or two older then I am. Jeffrey and I had been together about 6 months before going off to college. I alway knew I wanted to return south and went off to Emory (though I am now at UA) and he went to RIT. He is in a five year program for engineers and I transferred and switched majors and then decided to double major which is costing me a year of my life. I am applying to grad school now. I have to admit I see things like your BF does. I want to be engaged to my SO very badly, I want to be his wife. But at the same time part of me wonders why he would even consider proposing just now when we can not get married until I am out of grad school.
Will you be finished in a year and half? Or will you be going into another program? What program are you in now?

 

[leeenie]

I know, it wouldn''t make a *real* difference in anything, but it would be nice

I''ll be completely finished in a little over a year, December 2006, and then I''ll be taking the bar in February (I''m in law school). I can''t wait to be finished. But my bf won''t be fnished with his program until July, so we probably wouldn''t get married before then (I think that being between jobs would be the perfect chance to take a longer honeymoon without cutting in to the limited number of vacation days).

 

[HOUMedGal]

Date: 10/18/2005 12:44:52 AM
Author: teagreen

HouMedGal, looks like we''re on the same timeline! But bf & I aren''t engaged yet. He says it won''t ''change anything'' practically in our situation...true, it won''t...uh huh, but who loves waiting?

Yep, we are!

You know, I have to say, when we got engaged, it didn''t change anything for me, (except I started walking around with this big dumb smile on my face and stumbling over things because I couldn''t stop looking at my hand, hehe) but it seemed to change some things for him. After we got engaged, I think the fact that it was over and done, and that he had made it through the nerves of proposing, and that I had said yes (even though there was NO doubt about that one) really made him feel good! He started talking about how he felt so much closer to me, even when he didn''t think it was possible, and how he couldn''t wait to start our life together, and all other kinds of sweet mushiness.

I think it surprised him!!!

So it doesn''t technically change anything, but our relationship has been fabulous ever since then, and it sure is fun to talk about the future! And yeah, who loves waiting?!?! Certainly not anyone on THIS thread of the forum!!

I just made it known to him that I''d rather have a long engagement than go on "just dating" for much longer, even if the promise of eventual engagement was there. And, lucky for me, that was OK with him too.

My answer to the "what will it change if we do it now instead of later...it will happen eventually" question was always "nothing, but if we''re gonna do it eventually, why not just go ahead and make it official!??!?"

Mars and Venus, huh?

 

[omc]

I didn''t think it could get much worse than living across the US from my bf... until he was sent to Japan and now spends most of his time on an aircraft carrier with a crummy internet connection.

I''d say the hardest part of a long distance relationship is not being able to "share" your life with that person. If you and your boyfreind can make ways to feel like you are on the same team, with the same goal, instead of two different people who do their own thing and talk about it once in a while, it will help you make it through.

 

[plantationcatt]

Hey--I empathize with many of you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years--we''ve been friends since we were ten, so the last few years being 5 hours away has been rough. We''ve gotten used to it, but finding conversation some nights is still difficult. We realize that it''s no one''s fault, just that there''s nothing more to say than you already have discussed! My boyfriend and I solved this by doing nightly couples devotionals. There were separate questions you did during the day individually, and a little reading--and then we discussed them that night--these discussions often led to tangents. If you and your boyfriend aren''t into the religious aspect, there are some great couple''s books that are similar in function. If you go to amazon.com and type in "couples" a whole bunch of fun options come up, like" 1000 Questions to Ask your Partner"

Good luck to you teagreen,
And to the rest of us!