Long distance ladies

[pandabee]

Whether you are a couple hours apart, or halfway across the globe, talk about your trials, tribulations, and happy things here!

This has just been on my mind a lot lately...we used to be able to see each other every day during school and after work. Since October we have been from literally on the opposite end of the globe to a couple hours apart and gone from seeing each other every week or two to a whole month without seeing each other in person. We are now only a few hours apart and while we talk every night, it's actually been harder to leave each time. We finally got him completely moved out of his apartment here in the city I am currently in (and where we went to school) and it was pretty bittersweet. I feel like such a huge crybaby every time one of us leaves and I can't help it!!

I wish I could say that once we graduate in over a month things could be settled down, but since I am still looking for a job, I am not 100% sure I will be able to find one in the city that he currently lives in, although he seems pretty confident that it'll be okay. On one hand I should focus on me and find a job that I truly want, but I really don't know if I am strong enough to continue this long distance for who knows how long. If I can find a job in the city he is in, I could be happy, but it is a much different environment so it will take some adjusting (rural vs. suburbs) and I won't know anyone other than him.

 

[BriBee]

Gosh Panda, this is tough! I have never dealt with a LDR, but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I do NOT like being away from FI...maybe it will change with time, but we love being together and I could not imagine living far apart. When we do take trips separately or something like that (like a girls' weekend or boys' weekend or whatever), it's always fine and fun but I literally can not WAIT to get back home to him!

So, if it were me I would definitely try to find a job in the city where he lives. However, when you mentioned that you wouldn't know anyone except him, I felt like that could be a concern. Does he know many people where he is, how long has he been there? Even though you would be close to your SO, it would be hard if you didn't know anyone because sometimes it's good and healthy to spend some time apart, and to be able to go out with girlfriends etc...so if you didn't know anybody you would be missing this outlet and alone time. But everyone is different so I guess you have to decide for yourself what works for you. As I said before, I hate being away from FI, but I would be sad to move somewhere that I didn't know anyone because I would miss the little things like meeting up with SIL at the gym after work or having lunch with BFF...

Is he set where he is living? Or is there a possibility of him moving to you at some point if you find a job in your current city or elsewhere?

 

[sonnyjane]

My husband is in the military so we have spent more time apart than together in our last 7 years. We have done long distance (LONGGGG lol) and have gone periods of time where we only talked once a month via email. If you love each other, you just make it work, despite the suckiness I have sacrificed a lot to live with him. Luckily I've been able to find work in the cities he has been stationed in, but we have acknowledged and discussed that it may not always be the case as so we will have to either have a long-distance marriage or he will have to cover bills for a while. It's a tough pill to swallow, sacrificing personal dreams to be with someone you love, but it can definitely be done. Long distance is definitely not optimal so do look for something in his town first and foremost. Regarding not knowing anyone, it's surely a handicap at first, but through work and hobbies you can make friends. I've moved three times in 5 years. You just make do

 

[pandabee]

Thanks sonnyjane for your tips! I give mad props to you and all other military couples...I feel like it is tougher for you than your standard LDR even.

Bee that's exactly how we were before our first long stint apart. I was on rotations out of the country for a month, and prior to that the longest we had gone without seeing each other was a week. So it was definitely a shock and the time difference was difficult, but we got to facetime once a day usually. Part of me feels like the overly attached girlfriend lol (if anyone has seen the meme). Now that it's been a little longer since he left this afternoon, I am feeling better. It's always the leaving that is the worst; other times I can try to keep busy with work or some of my other friends still around town.

SO found a job in his hometown, and he still has some friends there. He is pretty set, he's always wanted to move back. Biggest draw was that real estate is a lot less expensive and he promised me that we could build our dream house one day (and this would def be more of a possibility in the country than in the suburbs ) As for friends, I know a handful that I would want to see regularly that will be in my current city but I don't foresee them staying here indefinitely as many are from out of town or just finishing residencies (so another 1-2 years here).

Honestly though, I (and he) hate to think that I am moving down there just for him, and not because I want to. Although those two reasons are not mutually exclusive so it's a bit difficult. I know he doesn't want me to be unhappy though. Idk. I think whatever happens, wherever I end up getting a job (since it doesn't really seem as if I am in a position to pick and choose anyway at this point), we will make it work. Just wanted to share my experience and see what fellow LIW or other ladies had to offer on how to make it suck less

 

[sonnyjane]

I will say one thing that I think is very important... I never moved until we were engaged. It was very important to me that we have that level of commitment before uprooting myself. I don't know anything about your relationship, but you said you were his "girlfriend" so I'll assume you're still a LIW. I so, I'd discuss that first and I would NOT move across the country for "a boyfriend". It's just a way to protect yourself.

 

[pandabee]

Thanks sonnyjane. Luckily it is not that far of a move, only about 2.5 hours away. While we are not formally engaged, we do have a ring and have talked extensively about it and we both know it's the real deal. Just a matter of timing and him asking the question.

 

[wildcat03]

Not currently in a long distance relationship, but it's looking like a possibility in the near future. I finish residency in a few months and start a 1 year fellowship for which I'm staying at the same place. SO is HATING his job these days and very ready to leave. He probably would have left it a few months ago and moved halfway across the country if it weren't for the fact that I'm anchored here at the moment. He's considering a long term (4-6 months) placement abroad with a nonprofit or a job like his current one but at a different company. I hate the idea of him going far away, but I wouldn't want to be the one to stop him from doing what he really wants to do.

Last night he joked about quitting work and being my maid/chef. Said he'd even bring food by the hospital when I work evenings. I liked that idea best!

 

[princesss]

Oh man, I totally need this. I'm struggling right now - putting in grad school apps and trying to get myself over there somehow or another and it's just killing me to be so far away. I think the UK finally starting Daylight Savings is making it worse - back to a 5 hour time difference and I am Not Pleased about it. Plus we just had a rough weekend with some miscommunication and the distance made things feel that much worse.

So, you know with long distance, I've got to ask - how did you two meet?

 

[SMC]

My bf and I did long distance for 3 years before I moved from NYC to Seattle to be with him. LD, though not ideal, worked surprisingly well for us - mostly because my bf is a very communicative person so we would Skype for a few hours everyday. One of us would make a trip every month or so each time there was a long weekend. At some point, I felt like we were at a stalemate and our relationship wasn't going to move forwards unless we were physically together so I decided to move since he was in a good place career-wise.

I think long distance works if you're committed to being together at some point in the future. It's harder when there's no end date.

 

[princesss]

Oh man, I'm a little jealous that your bf was a good communicator, sortmon! That's definitely something we struggled with for the first few months - he's not a big communicator, and apparently when he and his ex did long distance they'd go almost a week without speaking. It was a bit of a surprise for him that I wanted to talk every day. There are days when we don't/can't/whatever, but he's finally realized that if he says, "Hey, I can't talk tonight. Chat tomorrow?" I'll accept it and not push - I just want to know what the plan is!

I'm actually kind of bummed - next month my schedule changes and I won't be able to video chat except for once or twice a week. That's what's kept me sane (we see each other about every 6 months and don't currently have another trip planned since we don't know if I'll get into grad school yet) and I'm going to have to say goodbye to my regular video chats.

 

[Chewbacca]

SO and I were very briefly LD a few years ago. SO moved to Australia, and didn't intend on returning. We were both in our last year of undergrad, and it seemed like I would have to move there at the end of the school year. But, there was a turn of events and he moved back home after 6-8 months (bad memory)!

I'm always interested by how different LDR couples keep up communication! It blew my mind that SO's brother would speak on the phone to his then girlfriend every single day. I can't handle that kind of structure! We used to send 1-2 texts a day, and I would always send an email. Sometimes we talked on gchat. Our time difference was only 2-3 hours which was nice. We saw each other IRL twice.

We were OK with the distance, it wasn't fun but it was manageable. Ideally I'd like to never do it again, but I'm glad I know we can handle it if the situation arises.


Hugs to you all! I really have my fingers crossed for those applying for jobs/schools to close the distance!