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misskitty

misskitty

Brilliant_Rock
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And, I''ve hit it. I have officially hit the lowest of the low points of LIW-itis, and I am utterly ashamed.

Two of our good friends got engaged the other night. I am embarrassed to say that when we received the phone call with their happy news, I left the room to cry my eyes out. I feel incredibly guilty, because instead of being happy for them, all I could think about was my own selfish interests.

I would say that it can''t get much worse, but B and I are kind of fighting now. He told me that my reaction was very off-putting, and that he thought I should have been mature enough to forget about myself and be happy for our friends. I agree with him, but I can''t undo what happened, so now I just feel awful.
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I love B, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him -- why is this phase so complicated and stressful? And what is wrong with me that my first thought wasn''t just to be happy for our friends?
 
Awww... MK, I''m sorry. I did that once. I felt awful too, but sometimes your emotions overpower you, and you just react. I''m sure if this wasn''t such an emotional issue, and if you had time to think about it, you would not have reacted the way that you did.

No matter what, it''s hard to see other people get what you want. Maybe your BF doesn''t understand how badly you want this. I''m sure you ARE happy for your friends. It''s very possible to have more than one emotion, you know? You can be happy for someone else, but feel emotional because its something that you really want.

I''m sorry you and your BF are fighting because of it. A lot of times men won''t understand how stressful this time is for an LIW. Did you try to just explain it? I know when I told my FI why it happened, he was actually really understanding.

You''re not alone, a lot of us have been there. Brush yourself off, and keep your head up.

****HUGS*****
 
Im so sorry Misskitty.....i completely understand. I feel the same way, trying not to think about it is hard when its right in your face.
 
Thanks, ladies. I tried to explain it to B, but none of it came out right, and I feel like I sounded like a total crazy.

Part of the reason we''re fighting (I''m using that term loosely -- we''re not directly arguing, but there''s tension) is that while I was in the middle of my little dramatic outburst, he asked if I wanted to marry him or just get married ASAP. I very much want to be with him and be taking that next step with him (not just anyone), so that hurt me. And I can also understand that from his side, I probably look pretty bad -- since this whole LIW thing hit, I haven''t been 100% myself.

The worst part about it is, after the fact, I calmed down and decided that I''m really, truly ok with waiting as long as he needs to before we get engaged -- but I can''t expect him to necessarily believe any of that so soon after my emotional freak-out.
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Been there, done that. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

It IS natural, and it is a reaction, and you can't hate yourself for something that happened without intending it to.

Breathe, and tell yourself it will be ok. And if you can't be happy for your friends, just put your best face forward and act happy. I KNOW it's hard. Gosh, I kind of went through it AFTER I was engaged. (It was a girl that got engaged about 4 months into her relationship--I was sad that she had gotten it so early when I had waited for SO LONG--not really that long, but it felt like it!!)

You will get engaged eventually. Unfortunately it's not a situation where you can kind of live vicariously through your friends. Wouldn't that be nice if it were the case?

Take some time to breathe, and talk to your BF, and explain your reaction. Communication is key!
 
Being a LIW is so hard. I was always happy for my friends but being a LIW was really taking a mental toll on me. It was frustrating and very draining, and times I was really, erm *unpleasant* to FI because of it.
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Maybe you can explain it to your BF this way. Women feel ready to get married when they meet the right person. It's the whole "When Harry Met Sally" line... "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

That's how women feel.

Men, however, feel ready to get married when they have check off the boxes on their mental checklist of things to accomplish before marriage. (jobs, degrees, home, debt free, promotions, age 30, etc)

We just have different orientations about marriage, and yes, it is sometimes frustrating to wait for those orientations to align, (frustrating for BOTH parties, mind you), but it is his job as your partner to make sure that you feel secure and validated. He certainly shouldn't be making you feel BAD about it. Sure, not your most graceful moment, but why kick you while you are down?

Also, I don't know your time frame, but men are often sensitive to how women are reacting when they are close to their proposal time frame. Not to get your hopes up or anything, but they want you to be surprised and happy, and you having your small meltdown close to when he might be proposing can make him feel like the timing is not good, because he wouldn't want you to think he was doing it to make you happy or less upset (if that makes sense).

Any way, most of us have been there and done that, so take a deep breath and laugh at yourself. Maybe make a joke of it, and re-enact the situation, with the theme being something else, like not getting the ice cream of your dreams when all of your friends did. Just enjoy each other and have fun. Life is good with someone to laugh with, and trust me, you WILL look back and laugh at yourself after you are engaged.
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ETA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRhCTnkd3vM Had to add the 'When Harry me Sally" link. Also a good demonstration of how emotional women don't make a lot of sense, lol. Great scene... great movie! I smell a movie night brewing...
 
I am sorry.***HUGS***

Like Frekechild said, it is only natural. Look at the ton of women on this site that all feel the same way, most of whom have had some freak out in front of their boyfriend. The more I see totally sane women feeling this way, the more I realize it is completely normal whether you want to feel that way or not.

The only advice I can give is to look at how great your relationship is and how lucky you are to be in it and slowly headed toward the forever track. This isn''t a race, it truly is a marathon so take deep breaths and it will happen.

I must admit, I was laughing at the 4month relationship getting engaged. I am a total take your time girl (until recently) and although some of those relationships work out, I personally think more time is needed to make that decision unless you are both simple people which I am not.
 
Date: 8/18/2009 5:41:46 PM
Author:misskitty
And, I''ve hit it. I have officially hit the lowest of the low points of LIW-itis, and I am utterly ashamed.


Two of our good friends got engaged the other night. I am embarrassed to say that when we received the phone call with their happy news, I left the room to cry my eyes out. I feel incredibly guilty, because instead of being happy for them, all I could think about was my own selfish interests.


I would say that it can''t get much worse, but B and I are kind of fighting now. He told me that my reaction was very off-putting, and that he thought I should have been mature enough to forget about myself and be happy for our friends. I agree with him, but I can''t undo what happened, so now I just feel awful.
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I love B, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him -- why is this phase so complicated and stressful? And what is wrong with me that my first thought wasn''t just to be happy for our friends?
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MK,

We both have B''s in our life. :) I actually call my bf B in real life. I can''t get myself to say his full name unless I''m angry with him. :)

Anyway, you should know that your reaction is not abnormal...AT ALL! And your bf is not acting atypical for his gender... (unfortunately for us). My bf more often than not reacts in a very similar way... He just doesn''t understand how I can get so bent out of shape that it''s been a whole YEAR since we started looking at rings and yet we aren''t engaged... I feel like I try to so hard to be patient 95% of the time that 5% of the time I should be able to get a little frustrated and have a moment.

I think unless you are a LIW, it''s virtually impossible to understand how we might feel sometimes. So you''ve got a good network here... And I totally feel ya on this one... I have to say, though, something that I''ve learned and I''m *trying* to work on is to not have any expectations for when it will happen. Because then every trip you take or every romantic dinner that it doesn''t happen is the biggest let down. So I''m done predicting when it will happen...or at least trying to be done. :) He is aiming to totally surprise me too, so I know he''ll give me the run around a bit... Ugh!! But at the end of the day, it will be that much sweeter. :)

Feel better and know you''re not alone.

~L
 
Misskitty (((((((HUGS))))))))) your not alone......we promise
 
Please try not to blame yourself for your reaction. You cannot prevent how you feel and it was a genuine reaction and you''re entitled to whatever you feel when you feel it.

You''ll be happy once you''ve calmed down and thought things through. Your BF will understand, he probably just needs to get over the shock as well.
 
MK, don''t feel bad for your reaction. It''s completely understandable. It''s always incredibly difficult to see others with something that you so passionately want. I remember about 2 weeks before FI and I got engaged, a co-worker got engaged, and I was SO jealous. I felt like it should''ve been me that was telling everyone about how he proposed, and not her. I never thought I would do that, but I was so ready for it to be my engagement that I let jealously overcome me. I completely agree with Freke, though. If you truly can''t be happy for them, at least act happy. Your time will come, and you will want them to be happy for you when you''re engaged.
 
Date: 8/18/2009 8:19:30 PM
Author: LFVDoll


Anyway, you should know that your reaction is not abnormal...AT ALL! And your bf is not acting atypical for his gender... (unfortunately for us). My bf more often than not reacts in a very similar way... He just doesn''t understand how I can get so bent out of shape that it''s been a whole YEAR since we started looking at rings and yet we aren''t engaged... I feel like I try to so hard to be patient 95% of the time that 5% of the time I should be able to get a little frustrated and have a moment.
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YES! That is how I feel about it all too. I''m normally fine with it all, and I can handle all of our friends constantly bringing it up, and even BF constantly bringing it up, and deal with still not being engaged... And then every once in a while, I should be allowed to be upset over it. It''s difficult. I tried to explain to BF that I am just not used to not being in control - I don''t like that it''s pretty much me waiting on him to propose, since I''m used to just getting things done myself. So yes, I definitely think we should be able to just get upset over it every once in a while and our guy to be understanding. Mine is trying his best, but it''s all caused some tension with us lately too. Hope you feel better soon, misskitty.
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You hit the nail on the head, CrossmyFingers!

"Control" has been a MAJOR cause of my ring-related anxiety (lol). BF and I have enough conversations about it, so I know it's going to happen, but man it's brutal not knowing when! But then in the same breath, I don't REALLY want to know because that ruins the romantic surprise! It was hard enough for him to let me be involved with the setting choice, so now he has taken back the reigns and I'm struggling with it!!

MK, I hope things are blowing over, and I hope you're feeling better about having your moment. You're entitled...IMO. :)
 
I just joined so i could reply to this thread. I have had the same thing happen to me...


My best friend and I both started dating our boyfriends within a month of each other. My best friend called me one sunday in february telling me she was engaged. It was the hardest thing i had to do to pretend to be happy for her. Not that I wasn''t and am not really happy for her, but the first thing that came to me was pure jealously. I was in tears and upset almost all night because of it. It made my boyfriend upset just knowing how jealous I was. He understood why, but it upset him that he couldn''t do anything about it. He just wants to make me happy. That was by far the worst break down I''ve had while waiting. It''s been a hard year for me though--between my best friend getting married and being her maid of honor, boyfriends best friend getting married( he was the best man) and 3 other family/friend weddings to go...they are all around me! I can''t help but wish I was there too.

I read some REALLY good advise on another board earlier... Forever doesn''t start with a ring, it''s happening right now.
 
I''m so sorry that you are sad.
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It''s a completely natural reaction. All people struggle when someone close to you gets something that you really really want, whether it''s getting engaged or getting promoted.
I had a similar reaction when my BF''s brother got engaged. BUT I didn''t let my BF see how upset I was. It was so hard to plaster a happy smile on my face and at least act happy for them, but somehow I managed.
Then my BF''s mom and grandmother asked when we will have some happy news. I said "Not for a LOOOOONG time." Even though I wanted it to happen ASAP!
Nobody suspected that I was jealous, and I didnt pressurise BF by freaking out. Men tend to see us as desperate or something when we get upset when friends get engaged. (They can be so blind)
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Next time, say "Oh, not for a while, I still have so much to accomplish" when your boyfriend brings up marriage.

So, in short.
If you don''t feel it, fake it.
Win your own academy award.
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Date: 8/19/2009 12:53:05 AM
Author: jessa
I just joined so i could reply to this thread. I have had the same thing happen to me...


My best friend and I both started dating our boyfriends within a month of each other. My best friend called me one sunday in february telling me she was engaged. It was the hardest thing i had to do to pretend to be happy for her. Not that I wasn''t and am not really happy for her, but the first thing that came to me was pure jealously. I was in tears and upset almost all night because of it. It made my boyfriend upset just knowing how jealous I was. He understood why, but it upset him that he couldn''t do anything about it. He just wants to make me happy. That was by far the worst break down I''ve had while waiting. It''s been a hard year for me though--between my best friend getting married and being her maid of honor, boyfriends best friend getting married( he was the best man) and 3 other family/friend weddings to go...they are all around me! I can''t help but wish I was there too.

I read some REALLY good advise on another board earlier... Forever doesn''t start with a ring, it''s happening right now.
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welcome Jessa!

Two really good points here! One reason that guys might get upset in these meltdown moments is that they feel responsible... if they percieve themselves as the reason that you are in anguish, then everyone is upset and no one feels good!
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It''s kind of like watching a friend bring his girl flowers, and she is thrilled while you are kicking yourself for not getting your girl flowers first. Never thought of it that way... I''m not sure that is what you meant Jessa, but it''s a good insight!

The other advice from the other board is spot on too.
 
Been there, done that. One of my friends had a break down at another friends wedding and spent half the night in the toilets crying - so you''re definitely not alone!

It''s a shame he didn''t react well, but he may feel guilty for making you feel that way. Just try to keep in mind that it will be your turn soon.

I also think this is important for all us LIWs to remember when we finally announce our own engagements - I''m sure there will be people who feel the same way when we do.
 
Date: 8/18/2009 8:11:48 PM
Author: trillionaire
Being a LIW is so hard. I was always happy for my friends but being a LIW was really taking a mental toll on me. It was frustrating and very draining, and times I was really, erm *unpleasant* to FI because of it.
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Maybe you can explain it to your BF this way. Women feel ready to get married when they meet the right person. It''s the whole ''When Harry Met Sally'' line... ''I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.''

That''s how women feel.

Men, however, feel ready to get married when they have check off the boxes on their mental checklist of things to accomplish before marriage. (jobs, degrees, home, debt free, promotions, age 30, etc)

We just have different orientations about marriage, and yes, it is sometimes frustrating to wait for those orientations to align, (frustrating for BOTH parties, mind you), but it is his job as your partner to make sure that you feel secure and validated. He certainly shouldn''t be making you feel BAD about it. Sure, not your most graceful moment, but why kick you while you are down?

Also, I don''t know your time frame, but men are often sensitive to how women are reacting when they are close to their proposal time frame. Not to get your hopes up or anything, but they want you to be surprised and happy, and you having your small meltdown close to when he might be proposing can make him feel like the timing is not good, because he wouldn''t want you to think he was doing it to make you happy or less upset (if that makes sense).

Any way, most of us have been there and done that, so take a deep breath and laugh at yourself. Maybe make a joke of it, and re-enact the situation, with the theme being something else, like not getting the ice cream of your dreams when all of your friends did. Just enjoy each other and have fun. Life is good with someone to laugh with, and trust me, you WILL look back and laugh at yourself after you are engaged.
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ETA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRhCTnkd3vM Had to add the ''When Harry me Sally'' link. Also a good demonstration of how emotional women don''t make a lot of sense, lol. Great scene... great movie! I smell a movie night brewing...
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Fantastic post Trill
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Oh, MK! I am so sorry you are feeling so upset.

I don''t blame you one bit for reacting the way you did or for feeling the way you feel now. But try not to beat yourself up about it... as many others have said, this is and has been an emotional topic for some time now, so to have the emotional reaction you did is COMPLETELY natural.

i think you''ve already gotten a lot of great advice in this thread, but I''d add that right now, you should consider taking some extra time to invest in YOURSELF. If I remember correctly, you''re pretty new to the area where you live. If you haven''t already - take some time to explore. See if there''s a place you can volunteer or a club you can join. Anything to remind yourself that you have a lot to enjoy in and give to life. It''ll hopefully give you something else to throw your energy and thoughts into.
 
Wow, thanks everyone! I don''t think I expected this many replies, and I feel so loved that all of you came in and posted. I really want to give all of you a hug.

I truly appreciate all of your advice, and I''m feeling better today (still embarrassed, but better).
 
Your boyfriend is being unfair. You can't help the way you feel.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, and don't let him make you feel that way either. There is nothing wrong with you.

ETA: I second the idea of getting out and doing your own thing more, focusing on your own life, and possibly even brushing him off next time he brings up engagement. I have a real issue with men holding all the power in a relationship, and that's exactly what happens when he knows for sure what you'll say when he eventually gets round to proposing. It won't hurt to introduce a bit of doubt and uncertainty into his mind, so he starts to realise that you're not the "sure thing" he thinks you are.
 
No real advice, just hugs. Before my DH proposed, I used to get so jealous of other people getting engaged too. We''ve all been there. Don''t be too hard on yourself.
 
Date: 8/19/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: LilyKat
Your boyfriend is being unfair. You can''t help the way you feel.

Don''t feel ashamed or embarrassed, and don''t let him make you feel that way either. There is nothing wrong with you.

ETA: I second the idea of getting out and doing your own thing more, focusing on your own life, and possibly even brushing him off next time he brings up engagement. I have a real issue with men holding all the power in a relationship, and that''s exactly what happens when he knows for sure what you''ll say when he eventually gets round to proposing. It won''t hurt to introduce a bit of doubt and uncertainty into his mind, so he starts to realise that you''re not the ''sure thing'' he thinks you are.
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Uh - my two cents:

It''s important to remember that you may not be able to control your feelings, HOWEVER, you have all the power in you to controll your actions, how you act and what you say. (We all need to do this every day....at work!!! It''s called self control!)

I don''t think there is anything to indicate he "has all the power" or that Misskitty should start playig games and create doubt in the relationship. ?????
Gameplaying is ridiculous in my book and can have grave consequences. Try some real communication.

Misskitty feels bad and is embarrassed with her ACTIONS. This isn''t a problem with her guy! Remember - this could have really done a number on him - he may feel like the worst guy in the world - maybe he can''t propose right now for whatever reasons (and I''m sure Misskitty has the scoop on this!)

All that most of our guys want it to make us happy.
 
Date: 8/20/2009 3:28:04 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 8/19/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: LilyKat
Your boyfriend is being unfair. You can''t help the way you feel.

Don''t feel ashamed or embarrassed, and don''t let him make you feel that way either. There is nothing wrong with you.

ETA: I second the idea of getting out and doing your own thing more, focusing on your own life, and possibly even brushing him off next time he brings up engagement. I have a real issue with men holding all the power in a relationship, and that''s exactly what happens when he knows for sure what you''ll say when he eventually gets round to proposing. It won''t hurt to introduce a bit of doubt and uncertainty into his mind, so he starts to realise that you''re not the ''sure thing'' he thinks you are.
Click to expand...
Uh - my two cents:

It''s important to remember that you may not be able to control your feelings, HOWEVER, you have all the power in you to controll your actions, how you act and what you say. (We all need to do this every day....at work!!! It''s called self control!)

I don''t think there is anything to indicate he ''has all the power'' or that Misskitty should start playig games and create doubt in the relationship. ?????
Gameplaying is ridiculous in my book and can have grave consequences. Try some real communication.

Misskitty feels bad and is embarrassed with her ACTIONS. This isn''t a problem with her guy! Remember - this could have really done a number on him - he may feel like the worst guy in the world - maybe he can''t propose right now for whatever reasons (and I''m sure Misskitty has the scoop on this!)

All that most of our guys want it to make us happy.
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Well said.
 
I wasn''t talking about game-playing. I was talking about genuinely building up your own self-respect so that you aren''t waiting for someone else to take an action so badly that it makes you cry. About not being so desperate for someone ELSE to give you something that they end up finding your behaviour, to quote misskitty''s original post, "off-putting".

I just don''t think that women''s lives should be spent waiting for a guy to propose. There are plenty of better things to do with your time. I was advising misskitty not to feel bad about what happened, but to take it as a wake-up call and learn from it.
 
Date: 8/19/2009 11:19:03 AM
Author: misskitty
Wow, thanks everyone! I don''t think I expected this many replies, and I feel so loved that all of you came in and posted. I really want to give all of you a hug.


I truly appreciate all of your advice, and I''m feeling better today (still embarrassed, but better).
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YAY! glad you''re feeling better. i def understanding your feelings but i think trillionaire brought up a great point: it''s likely your so is upset with your reaction b/c he feels partially responsible for it. do you all have an idea of when you want to get engaged? have you discussed it? or is it just "someday"? i think guys get just as stressed as us but for different reasons and they handle it in different ways! i''m just glad you''re feeling better today & hope that you can enjoy the news for your friend knowing your day will be here before you know it!!
 
Date: 8/19/2009 12:53:05 AM
Author: jessa
I just joined so i could reply to this thread. I have had the same thing happen to me...



My best friend and I both started dating our boyfriends within a month of each other. My best friend called me one sunday in february telling me she was engaged. It was the hardest thing i had to do to pretend to be happy for her. Not that I wasn''t and am not really happy for her, but the first thing that came to me was pure jealously. I was in tears and upset almost all night because of it. It made my boyfriend upset just knowing how jealous I was. He understood why, but it upset him that he couldn''t do anything about it. He just wants to make me happy. That was by far the worst break down I''ve had while waiting. It''s been a hard year for me though--between my best friend getting married and being her maid of honor, boyfriends best friend getting married( he was the best man) and 3 other family/friend weddings to go...they are all around me! I can''t help but wish I was there too.


I read some REALLY good advise on another board earlier... Forever doesn''t start with a ring, it''s happening right now.
Click to expand...

The SAME THING happened to me, except with my officemate, who is my "work best friend" if you will. We started dating our guys about 2 months apart (we actually met them in the same unconventional way...on a shuttle bus) and she got her ring 2 weeks ago. The thing that killed me is that she told me she always thought I''d be the first. After having a bit of a breakdown...okay a BIG breakdown about a week later when I couldn''t hold back the jealousy anymore...I think I''ve finally moved past it and I''m excited to help her plan her wedding. I figure, if you can''t beat ''em, join ''em...and I''m going to start thinking of my forever as every day.
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Thanks, Jessa!
 
I''m so sorry MissKitty... but I totally know how you feel. My best friend met her boyfriend and married him in six months. Then, she planned two ceremonies (japanese and western) and i was maid of honor. All within the space of me waiting for him to propose. He promised to propose within a year, but due to other circumstances it didn''t happen. Its more than a year and a half now, and I''m still waiting. Needless to say I cried and threw a HUGE tantrum for weeks when my best friend got married. (she got married on the day he was going to propose but didn''t ).

I just got back from her wedding where I was announced as engaged to my SO and I almost cried again, because we are not engaged yet. Just thought I''d share, but I think its perfectly normal to be upset. Even if you are extremely happy for your friend.
 
Date: 8/19/2009 6:48:49 AM
Author: Lozza
Been there, done that. One of my friends had a break down at another friends wedding and spent half the night in the toilets crying - so you''re definitely not alone!


It''s a shame he didn''t react well, but he may feel guilty for making you feel that way. Just try to keep in mind that it will be your turn soon.


I also think this is important for all us LIWs to remember when we finally announce our own engagements - I''m sure there will be people who feel the same way when we do.
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Are you my friend?!? Did you see that?!?

I may or may not have broken down at the dinner table when my best friend''s now-husband gave his toast during the reception this weekend...I also may or may not have tried to break up with my boy because he obviously does not love me as much as this guy loves my friend.

It wasn''t my finest hour. It happens. Just let yourself be sad, misskitty - sometimes the crazy flag has got to fly.

(just remember to fold it back up and return it to safekeeping for a later date)

 
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