LIW Reason - emotional readiness vs practicality

[misscuppycake]

What is you (and your significant other's) reason for waiting?

Is it about emotional readiness or is it something more practical? Maybe a combo? Is one more or less frustrating than the other?

 

[katrinab]

At first it was because we were too young (I was 17 when we met, he was 19), then because of money (we bought a house) and finally it is because he wants to make it complete surprise. It was horrible watching the bank balance slowly creep up, drop occasionally for big purchases then finally get up to the point where we were both comfortable committing to planning my ring. But it is driving me insane waiting for a surprise proposal because it is completely out of my hands!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Money and school. He's saving up, I have a pretty decent budget, therefore I can't complain. I'm in a pretty difficult program of study in school and I also work full time, therefore he knows an engagement in the middle of a semester is pretty much off limits! I've been told 2013 is the year haha. We have been living together just over a year and our 2 year anniversary is next July. I personally suspect it to be around then since I have no school during the summer

 

[lkc84]

At first, it was emotional readiness, we were 21 when we started dating and we both had a lot of growing up to do. Then, it was long distance for four loooonnnnng years. Finally, it's recouping the bank account enough to buy a ring after buying a house together.

He said it would be before the end of 2012...so we are within 1 month!!! Ahhhhh!!! I might go crazy over these last few days in anticipation!!!

 

[pandabee]

For us, it's more of a practicality thing. Well it was kind of a financial thing but then I found this great deal on a ring...haha but it still kind of is a financial thing. We both want to actually have a job and some long-term financial stability (so not in school with lots of debt) before starting a life together. I don't know if this one is more frustrating than not being ready emotionally because I don't have a comparison. I feel like we both started talking about the future and had similar ideas as far as timelines made up already.

 

[Chewbacca]

Now that we are at/reaching that point in our relationship, I am a LIW because SO isn't completely emotionally ready - it is a great example of our critical thinking personalities, fast and slow! SO has also said not to expect anything before I turn 25, which is apparently the magic number in which I am no longer child bride material to him. I am completely fine with that, especially since there are only 4 months to go!

I feel that ANY reason is hard, if it is only happening to one person in the relationship. When SO and I were both confident that once we graduated and settled into jobs we would become engaged, it felt free and easy. (A lofty goal we since realised!) Now that I am ready for this and SO is trailing behind a little, its harder for both of us - we both want so badly to do the right thing for each other! I guess its just a bit more emotional this way.

How about you and your SO, misscuppycake?

 

[mandasand]

Honestly, I have no idea! We are both in our 30s, have amazing stable careers, we own our home, cars, etc. We come from similar backgrounds and beliefs. Our parents have both been married 40+ years. I've been ready for a long time but I'm just waiting on him.

The only reason I can think is that we've both been married before and they ended badly. Even though we've talked seriously about getting married, even planning part of it, I think he wants to make absolute sure I'm "the one." the sucky part is everyone thinks we're married...even my dad calls him his SIL. Maybe he thinks it's easier to just keep things the way they are because a marriage is only a contract.

 

[MBKRH]

It's a money thing.

I hate money.

 

[pandabee]

Now that we are at/reaching that point in our relationship, I am a LIW because SO isn't completely emotionally ready - it is a great example of our critical thinking personalities, fast and slow! SO has also said not to expect anything before I turn 25, which is apparently the magic number in which I am no longer child bride material to him. I am completely fine with that, especially since there are only 4 months to go!

I feel that ANY reason is hard, if it is only happening to one person in the relationship. When SO and I were both confident that once we graduated and settled into jobs we would become engaged, it felt free and easy. (A lofty goal we since realised!) Now that I am ready for this and SO is trailing behind a little, its harder for both of us - we both want so badly to do the right thing for each other! I guess its just a bit more emotional this way.

How about you and your SO, misscuppycake?

Great point! As with all things in relationship...you need to be on the same page. Or at least communicate where each of you are so you can both work toward each other

 

[misscuppycake]

It's definitely emotional readiness for us. We've both been out of school for a while, are settled into our careers, and s/o might be getting a promotion soon as well so money isn't the issue when it comes to waiting. Neither of us have ever lived with a partner before so this is a brand new experience for us (we've only been living together for 4 months now) and there have been a lot of other firsts as well. The two of us are also the type of people who try to be as sure as possible before we dive into anything so although we've been together 3.5 years, it still doesn't feel like quite enough. I am an LIW, but with the idea that I'd also like to wait a little longer too (anywhere from 1-2 years).

 

[audball]

For us it's down to practicality. We're both about to turn 26 (me tomorrow, him in a few weeks). I've been out of school for awhile and working full time. He switched majors and is just about to graduate. We already have the ring so it's not that getting in our way, but he's in a heavy load doing school for engineering and 1) I don't want to pull his focus from that in his last few weeks of his last semester, and 2) he wants to be able to say he's done with school first. He's already said that he won't be waiting until he gets a job because even on my income we aren't unstable financially (he also works, just part time).

We'll get engaged after he graduates, before our next anniversary/end of the first year living together (so sometime between December 16th and July 13th...I'm seriously hoping for December!!)

 

[audball]

On the which is more difficult -- I think i'ts when you're emotionally ready and the other isn't, personally.

When there are real things, obstacles, goals, etc, in the way, especially if those things are things that you two are JOINTLY wanting to complete first, I think it makes it easier. And usually you have can see the end in sight (ie: graduating, saving XX dollars, etc).

When it's just feeling ready or not, there is no way to know how long that will take someone. Not to mention (having been on the side where I was ready before he was) it hurts to think of all the many reasons they may be unsure of you.

I'd take practicality getting in the way over emotional readiness if given the choice. Thankfully we're there now, and we're both ready. Just a matter of time.

 

[pandabee]

On the which is more difficult -- I think i'ts when you're emotionally ready and the other isn't, personally.

When there are real things, obstacles, goals, etc, in the way, especially if those things are things that you two are JOINTLY wanting to complete first, I think it makes it easier. And usually you have can see the end in sight (ie: graduating, saving XX dollars, etc).

When it's just feeling ready or not, there is no way to know how long that will take someone. Not to mention (having been on the side where I was ready before he was) it hurts to think of all the many reasons they may be unsure of you.

I'd take practicality getting in the way over emotional readiness if given the choice. Thankfully we're there now, and we're both ready. Just a matter of time.

I started typing this exact thought but for some reason I couldn't make it sound like I made sense. You say it so eloquently!

 

[audball]

On the which is more difficult -- I think i'ts when you're emotionally ready and the other isn't, personally.

When there are real things, obstacles, goals, etc, in the way, especially if those things are things that you two are JOINTLY wanting to complete first, I think it makes it easier. And usually you have can see the end in sight (ie: graduating, saving XX dollars, etc).

When it's just feeling ready or not, there is no way to know how long that will take someone. Not to mention (having been on the side where I was ready before he was) it hurts to think of all the many reasons they may be unsure of you.

I'd take practicality getting in the way over emotional readiness if given the choice. Thankfully we're there now, and we're both ready. Just a matter of time.

I started typing this exact thought but for some reason I couldn't make it sound like I made sense. You say it so eloquently!

Aww, thanks pandabee!

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

On the which is more difficult -- I think i'ts when you're emotionally ready and the other isn't, personally.

When there are real things, obstacles, goals, etc, in the way, especially if those things are things that you two are JOINTLY wanting to complete first, I think it makes it easier. And usually you have can see the end in sight (ie: graduating, saving XX dollars, etc).

When it's just feeling ready or not, there is no way to know how long that will take someone. Not to mention (having been on the side where I was ready before he was) it hurts to think of all the many reasons they may be unsure of you.

I'd take practicality getting in the way over emotional readiness if given the choice. Thankfully we're there now, and we're both ready. Just a matter of time.

Aud!! perfectly stated. i agree and feel the same way!

 

[audball]

Aud!! perfectly stated. i agree and feel the same way!

Thanks!

 

[Lady5]

We're both definitely emotionally ready. We've been together what seems like forever and talk about it all the time. It's a practical thing for us for sure. I'm still finishing up grad school and he's still stabilizing his career goals. I don't know which would be more frustrating though. I think SO was more emotionally ready before I was...but we got serious about it pretty much at the same time. Now it's just being financially ready, which we find rather frustrating because we are more than ready to start our life together. Times-a-tickin.

 

[Chewbacca]

I'd also like to say that you hit the nail on the head, aud!

Its not that fun, I must say!

 

[audball]

I'd also like to say that you hit the nail on the head, aud!

Its not that fun, I must say!

Thanks! It really isn't fun. I feel much better (though still anxious) that we're now on the same emotional page and are just waiting on the practical things to work themselves out.

 

[MayFlowers]

I had been waiting for practical reasons, but now it is mostly emotional readiness. It is difficult because there is no clear end in sight, just like audball said.

The only difference is that BF is emotionally ready for the marriage, but not the wedding. He is not concerned about the marriage at all. But, because of his brother's recent passing and so much family drama coming in to play, he is very nervous about the wedding and isn't really sure how to approach it all. It makes it difficult because we both wanted a small wedding, no elopement.

 

[advokait]

My BF said "I love you" pretty early (after a few months)... in fact, so much so that I was kind of taken aback after it had happened because I didn't expect it. However, he is a very open and sensitive man. He is definitely an in the moment type of person when it comes to matters of the heart and although it was early I knew he meant it.
We are both finishing up school and starting to get our feet on the ground so it is predominantly an issue of practicality but I'll admit as much of a LIW that I am (mainly because of my love of jewelry), I need more time before I would be ready to say yes (because of past relationships). It's not like a timeline test but I will feel more confident and reassured that this a good decision past the 2-closer to the 3+ year mark and that works out with finances for a house, ring, etc better than right now or in the near future. This doesn't keep me from lusting over rings all day (doesn't help that jewelry is among my top three favorite things!) but I know that since I would have given myself a TON of time to make sure that Josh (BF) and the ring (I'm picky... more than likely a bezel set graduated five stone with a super low profile and thin shank-- I ride horses and plan on having kids some day so low profile is a must and I don't like solitaires anyways) will be an absolutely perfect match for me.

So both but mainly practicality, but the extra time alotted because of practicality would ensure my emotional readiness. If that makes any sense? haha.

 

[audball]

I don't think it's easy no matter what the reason. But it will all be a distant memory after we move on to the next stages. If you're with the right guy, it'll happen.

I read somewhere else recently that "Life happens while we're busy making plans." It's true. Don't let years of your life slip away waiting ro all these things to fal into place. There's never a perfect time. If you're in love and you're in a place where you're both ready, sometimes waiting isn't worth it.

 

[MissM_90]

For us, it's both. He is 24 and I am 22 - both still studying, but have lived together for 2yrs (together for over 3). We have made the initial commitment to eventually get married, but at the moment - graduating, travelling to Europe and buying a house are all priorities. Most of the time I'm okay with that, but it's sometimes hard when friends get engaged! It comes and goes, fortunately. At the moment I'm relaxed and enjoying our relationship, but will occasionally have a crazy week or two where all I can think of is venues and rings. Haha. Crazy.

 

[princesss]

I haven't really thought about it. I guess both? Neither? At this point I think we're both just so focused on getting through the next few months, and hopefully getting me into grad school (he talks about it like it's guaranteed - though oddly both of us feel the way about me doing this program that we did about us dating, which is honestly not something I'm ready to be wrong about because it'll just turn my world all upside down) and just getting close to each other (preferably sharing an apartment close, but most likely sharing a time zone and an island close) that there isn't really any kind of focus on engagement. I don't think it's really a ready/not ready dichotomy in terms of feelings - it's just not the step we're working on. But there is some gradual movement that direction, so it's also not something either of us is either allergic to or feeling pressured about, you know?

 

[audball]

I hope you're able to live closer soon princess!

 

[princesss]

Thanks, Aud! I know we'll get through the rest of however long it takes, I'm just ready for it to happen NOW. Oh well. I will try to be patient.

 

[audball]

Thanks, Aud! I know we'll get through the rest of however long it takes, I'm just ready for it to happen NOW. Oh well. I will try to be patient.

Indeed. Patience is difficult when you're not getting what you want.