LIW-itis flare. Getting lapped, etc.

[absolut_blonde]

OK. I just need to vent somewhere where I know people will understand. SO is in the shower and we're going to watch a movie after he's out. So forgive me if this comes off as bratty, I'm venting as quickly as I can.

Lately, people we know have been getting engaged left and right. I'm happy for them, but also irritated that I am still waiting. Logged onto Facebook today and yet ANOTHER couple we know just got engaged. So many people in our circle of friends & family members (many cousins our age) are already married - many of them are even starting to have kids.

I feel like we will be the last couple out of everyone to finally get married. Seriously, we're one of the only couples not yet engaged. And just the other day, SO was just saying 'Oh I don't think it'll be long for x and y now' about one of the others. I think my head might explode if that happens.

I know it's not a race. I didn't expect to be the first to get engaged or married. But I didn't really want to be the last, either... It isn't even a competitive thing, though I'm sure it sounds like it. I just feel like it will be so 'been there, done that' for everyone else by that point. (Which isn't entirely logical b/c I know nobody else cares even remotely as much about your own wedding as you do)

I don't know. I know I'm being a brat

. I don't even think I will be waiting THAT much longer -- I guess part of it is that I've already waited longer than I would have liked to. And now I think I'm getting the second UTI I've had in two months (sorry if TMI) so I am in a bad mood to start with.

Anyway... things have been good with us overall, that aside. I'm just, personally, kind of over being 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. I'm just irritated.

/end rant

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Aww youre not being a brat! We were talking about this in the SmallTalk thread around pgs 2&3 go check out what me and some of the girls posted! What youre feeling is psychologically normal - having others getting engaged causes you to examine yourself and your relationship under a microscope and ask why its not happening to you. OR WORSE YET it causes you to fear others are examining your relationship in that way and wondering why your SO isnt proposing to you. Just try your hardest to remember that its not a race!! When you get engaged has nothing to do with how prepared you are for marriage in most cases and that means that everyone you know who has gotten engaged recently is in no way a better position, relationship wise, than you and your SO. Infact, they are probably worse off because they dont have the support that you do here at PS

You and your SO will be able to fully appreciate your engagement when it happens because you''ll think back to now and how you wished it were real at the moment BUT it was out of envy. You''ll know that your engagement in the future came only from love - not a time crunch or a race to finish first or a competition.

 

[ckrickett]

I don''t think you''re being a brat. It''s all part of being a LIW, patience is our biggest shortcoming (sometimes..... well for me most of the time).
Your time will come and it will be amazing!

DUSTDUST!

 

[mrscushion]

You are not being a brat. I think we all completely understand where you''re coming from. I am sorry you are having to wait.

 

[tlh]

Yeah, it stinks when others get engaged/ married and you are still waiting. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO ALL THESE WEDDINGS, AND THE COSTS OF TRAVELLING TO BE A GUEST TO SOMEONE ELSE''S WEDDING, PUT OFF YOU GETTING THE RING............GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Yeah, I went through it to. You aren''t a brat. It is normal. Sorry about your UTI.... hope you feel better soon! HUGS!

 

[WistfulAurora]

If you''re a brat... I''m a brat too cause I think about the same things ALL the time!

I''m so glad you posted this because for the last week I was thinking that I am the only LIW who feels this way. What sucks more is that I don''t think I''ll be getting an e-ring for another 2 years...

and by then I''ll definitely be the only one not married and not having kids. And I know it''s not a race too, it''s just I feel like no one will want to talk to me cause I can''t relate to them. I''m in the singles category even though I''m not single (if that makes sense).

And to top it off my BF is a huge joker and teaser so whenever I bring up engagement or marriage he just teases me, "oh it''ll never happen," or if I tell him I want to married before I''m 28, he''ll say, "well guess we''re late a year or too, huh?" I love his humor but sometimes I want to strangle him!

I guess what I''m saying is I''m here for you absolut_blonde!

 

[laughwithme]

It is very frustrating and you are in excellent company on this forum. I think each and every one of us has been there and so please don''t feel like you''re bratty or snotty or competitive. It is human nature - seriously, think about it, it''s human nature - to want to "run with the pack" and in this case, you feel like you''re being left behind. Of course no one here will blame you for feeling that way. Part of what makes it so bad is that you WANT to be happy for these people - it''s like, "I like these people, I have nothing against them, I just wish I could be progressing like they are." Particularly if you''ve already waited longer than you want to, and you feel like your relationship is at their level if not further, you want nothing more than to show the world that you have what they have, too.

Last year, my two best friends got married, and another set of friends, and now one of those couples is already talking about being pregnant in a couple of years. I am worried I will feel the same way when I get married and people start having babies - truth is, I don''t WANT kids for another 5-6 years but I am worried I will succumb to peer pressure and start thinking about babies too soon.

I don''t have much concrete advice because honestly, there''s not much you can do...just know that we are always here to listen and all of us can certainly empathize with you!

 

[sammyj]

You definitely aren''t alone. I started a thread a few months ago about something similar and it''s hard to not compare your relationship to others...as much as people are going to tell you not to do that and give you the ''it''s not a race'' scolding. Heck, if you look in the small talk thread you''ll see that I''ve even compared my relationship with celebrity relationships! Ha! I don''t have any good advice because sometimes I feel the way you do and sometimes I don''t. I don''t know what changes or how I control my emotions in certain situations but not others, all I know is that I have good days and bad days.

I''ve always felt that my BF and I have moved slower than other couples (although there are many couples that we progress faster than as well)...and I think you just have to accept that it''s a natural progression for the two of you. There shouldn''t be any internal or external pressure that pushes you to make serious decisions too quickly; things happen because you want them to, and because they''re meant to...

 

[nail_polish]

What all the other ladies who have replied have said is completely true... I probably couldn''t have phrased it better than what has already been said.

But, at the risk of sounding redundant - I''ll give my 2 cents.

I have felt that way as well - especially when people I KNEW would not get engaged before we did GOT ENGAGED.
It infuriated me. I''m still mad about it. I can''t pinpoint whether its a jealousy thing or just an all around frustration.

I think in everyone''s mind their relationship is superior to others so when you see someone else with what you want, it''s a natural instinct to wonder why you don''t have it!

Bottom line is - you''re not being a brat. I would say keep sharing your feelings here, as we all do understand. However, I found what helped me most is to talk to my boyfriend about it. When my one friend (who had only met her boyfriend for like 6 months) got engaged and climbed on top a pedestal that she is now better than me I use my boyfriend as my sounding board. It really helps, and oftentimes he gives me the reality check I need - a bit of reassurance that when we get engaged it will be the perfect time and even a bit of fuel to remember that our relationship is better

I hope that helps!

 

[trillionaire]

I feel for you Absolut! I manage to not be phased by other people''s engagements, I am just happy for them and not at all jealous. I really couldn''t care less about anyone else, but that doesn''t keep me from feeling ''why not me'' in the context of my own relationship! Waiting is hard, and often times, boys are stupid for making us. I swear it is not healthy or good for either of us. Can you talk to your BF about how you feel? I''m semi afraid that I am just going to erupt or have a LIW meltdown one day, and SO is just going to think that I am a basket case, lol! They really have no idea how crazy they make us.

 

[trillionaire]

double post.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 2/20/2009 9:43:00 PM
Author:absolut_blonde

I just feel like it will be so ''been there, done that'' for everyone else by that point. (Which isn''t entirely logical b/c I know nobody else cares even remotely as much about your own wedding as you do

We were the first of our friends and that position sucks too. Rather than the been there, done that, we got the friends who weren''t sure what to do (our ring exchange was funny, the best people had switched rings thinking that we gave them the wrong rings thereby giving me the wrong ring to give to hubby), no one planned any parties (I do feel a bit left out sometimes when I see hen dos being thrown for other people when I didn''t have one), and no one bought anything off the registry thinking that it was boring (several of our friends have now appologised for this after they got engaged and realised all they wanted was registry items!).

It''s not easy no matter which position you''re in. It does suck to be last, and I do feel for your position. I''m not trying to be mean, no matter when you do it first, middle, or last, things don''t do perfectly. I hope that you get engaged soon.

 

[Blair138]

I feel your pain! In FI''s friend group we are LAST to get married and now everyone is having (or has) kids. I kinda feel like there is a ''been there done that'' attitude with his friends and our wedding now. NOT that our wedding is THE MOST important thing in everyone else''s lives, but I feel like now that it is our turn, everyone has other things going on that overshadow us. For me personally, when his friends got married, it was totally about them and I just want the same things we did reciprocated.

With my friends I am the first and I feel like Addy. My friends suck, they were not that excited, I didn''t get one card from them and when I saw some of them for the first time in December after getting engaged in June, no one seemed like they cared about me or my ring. Again, not to sound selfish, but REALLY? I would like a little excitement people!

So I hear ya! and even though we are getting married, the baby bug is biting...not that I want kids right now, but it is very hard to go from being the only couple who isn''t married or engaged to now the only ones without kids.

But to try and keep myself in perspective, I remind myself that I am 3 years younger than FI and all his friends so I don''t have to quite be there yet and my time will come. And I have better friends that were more excited for me than some of the lame people I call friends.

 

[daydreamer]

I also don''t think you''re being a brat. You''re just ready to get married! And that''s a good, happy place to be.

P.S. I sympathize about the UTI. I''ve been plagued with them recently myself.

 

[misskitty]

I''m totally feeling this today. Can''t help it. Facebook is officially annoying me, because lately it seems like nobody on my friends list can post anything besides engagement announcements, wedding photos, or baby pics. What happened to college, when people on my friends list would post pics of their crazy nights at the bar, or 80s parties, or things like that?

I think the "lapped" feeling hurts the most when I see that someone is engaged, and the last time I saw them (recently! like, within the past 6 months), they weren''t even dating anyone.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 2/25/2009 11:06:29 AM
Author: misskitty
I''m totally feeling this today. Can''t help it. Facebook is officially annoying me, because lately it seems like nobody on my friends list can post anything besides engagement announcements, wedding photos, or baby pics. What happened to college, when people on my friends list would post pics of their crazy nights at the bar, or 80s parties, or things like that?

I think the ''lapped'' feeling hurts the most when I see that someone is engaged, and the last time I saw them (recently! like, within the past 6 months), they weren''t even dating anyone.

Another reason why Facebook is the devil.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 2/25/2009 11:12:30 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Another reason why Facebook is the devil.

Ditto!

I''m glad I''m not on it or else I think I would also go completely nutters reading about engagements, showers, weddings and babies on a daily basis (although I love to read it on PS...strange.)!

 

[KatM]

Date: 2/25/2009 11:12:30 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 2/25/2009 11:06:29 AM
Author: misskitty
I''m totally feeling this today. Can''t help it. Facebook is officially annoying me, because lately it seems like nobody on my friends list can post anything besides engagement announcements, wedding photos, or baby pics. What happened to college, when people on my friends list would post pics of their crazy nights at the bar, or 80s parties, or things like that?

I think the ''lapped'' feeling hurts the most when I see that someone is engaged, and the last time I saw them (recently! like, within the past 6 months), they weren''t even dating anyone.

Another reason why Facebook is the devil.

seriously. it seems as though people getting married and having babies are posting status updates constantly.

 

[sammyj]

I just wanted to say that I''m having a bad LIWitis night. I met up with a friend with whom I did my Masters and she told me she ran into someone from our class and found out that 2 different girls are engaged. They both met their fiances at the end of our 2-year program and I met my BF and the beginning. I''m super happy for them, but I can''t help but think, "why is my man sooooo slow

??" See? I told you I go through phases!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

You''re not being a brat. Well if you are then I am too (although it''s very possible that I''m being a brat, and you still aren''t

). I sympathize with the frustration - and yes, it''s crappy when you see other people getting engaged when you''re not (everyone around me from high school is engaged, married, having babies - and we''re all in our early twenties - doesn''t make things better though). Just letting you know you''re not alone, dear!

 

[happydreams]

Date: 2/20/2009 9:43:00 PM
Author:absolut_blonde
OK. I just need to vent somewhere where I know people will understand. SO is in the shower and we''re going to watch a movie after he''s out. So forgive me if this comes off as bratty, I''m venting as quickly as I can.

Lately, people we know have been getting engaged left and right. I''m happy for them, but also irritated that I am still waiting. Logged onto Facebook today and yet ANOTHER couple we know just got engaged. So many people in our circle of friends & family members (many cousins our age) are already married - many of them are even starting to have kids.

I feel like we will be the last couple out of everyone to finally get married. Seriously, we''re one of the only couples not yet engaged. And just the other day, SO was just saying ''Oh I don''t think it''ll be long for x and y now'' about one of the others. I think my head might explode if that happens.

I know it''s not a race. I didn''t expect to be the first to get engaged or married. But I didn''t really want to be the last, either... It isn''t even a competitive thing, though I''m sure it sounds like it. I just feel like it will be so ''been there, done that'' for everyone else by that point. (Which isn''t entirely logical b/c I know nobody else cares even remotely as much about your own wedding as you do)

I don''t know. I know I''m being a brat

. I don''t even think I will be waiting THAT much longer -- I guess part of it is that I''ve already waited longer than I would have liked to. And now I think I''m getting the second UTI I''ve had in two months (sorry if TMI) so I am in a bad mood to start with.

Anyway... things have been good with us overall, that aside. I''m just, personally, kind of over being ''boyfriend and girlfriend''. I''m just irritated.

/end rant

you are not being a brat. you should have seen me...i was acting like a brat all day. some days it consumes me so much that i will literally waste the whole day thinking about it and i won''t be able to get anything done. you should just write stuff on the LIW board when you''re frustrated. helps when there are those in the same situation to sympathize with you.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 2/21/2009 9:13:22 AM
Author: tlh
Yeah, it stinks when others get engaged/ married and you are still waiting. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO ALL THESE WEDDINGS, AND THE COSTS OF TRAVELLING TO BE A GUEST TO SOMEONE ELSE''S WEDDING, PUT OFF YOU GETTING THE RING............GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Yeah, I went through it to. You aren''t a brat. It is normal. Sorry about your UTI.... hope you feel better soon! HUGS!

I hear that

Its certainly frustrating but just know there are plenty others in the same boat and we all feel for you... and know how hard it is to feel upset in the first instance, and then guilty because you should be all selfless and happy for your friends, when in fact that''s just not possible all of the time for us mortals you know

*Hugs* and *dust* that you feel better soon absolute...

 

[gryffindor]

I completely understand too! I'm going LIW-itis crazy nuts. Facebook doesn't bug me as much, but I get strange questions all the time because of that stupid "status" section on there. I listed myself as "it's complicated" because I feel my LDR has made my life complicated and FF has himself listed as "single" because I guess he feels single until he's no longer single because he got engaged or married. People who know we're together constantly ask us why our Facebook status doesn't correspond to us being in a relationship together and is something going on....???!!!! Umm hello people why do we need a stupid internet program to confirm our relationship?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 2/26/2009 8:43:48 PM
Author: gryffindor
I completely understand too! I''m going LIW-itis crazy nuts. Facebook doesn''t bug me as much, but I get strange questions all the time because of that stupid ''status'' section on there. I listed myself as ''it''s complicated'' because I feel my LDR has made my life complicated and FF has himself listed as ''single'' because I guess he feels single until he''s no longer single because he got engaged or married. People who know we''re together constantly ask us why our Facebook status doesn''t correspond to us being in a relationship together and is something going on....???!!!! Umm hello people why do we need a stupid internet program to confirm our relationship?

when did you join fb?

I don''t think you can be annoyed with people for asking. If you don''t want to say anything at all, just don''t.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 2/26/2009 8:43:48 PM
Author: gryffindor
I completely understand too! I''m going LIW-itis crazy nuts. Facebook doesn''t bug me as much, but I get strange questions all the time because of that stupid ''status'' section on there. I listed myself as ''it''s complicated'' because I feel my LDR has made my life complicated and FF has himself listed as ''single'' because I guess he feels single until he''s no longer single because he got engaged or married. People who know we''re together constantly ask us why our Facebook status doesn''t correspond to us being in a relationship together and is something going on....???!!!! Umm hello people why do we need a stupid internet program to confirm our relationship?

Hmmm....I''m not on facebook and neither is my BF, but I would be slightly bothered if my BF''s profile said that he was single. As far as I know, there''s an "in a relationship" option, so doesn''t having a serious girlfriend mean you''re in a relationship? That''s just me though and it has nothing to do what others think but how I think my BF views our relationship...maybe I sound insecure? But yes, I would be pretty annoyed if people were constantly questioning my relationship based on my fb status!

 

[gryffindor]

Date: 2/26/2009 9:02:46 PM
Author: JulieN

when did you join fb?


I don't think you can be annoyed with people for asking. If you don't want to say anything at all, just don't.

I joined in 2006 when you still needed a .edu address to join. To me Facebook is not meant to be taken seriously. It's a fun way to keep in touch with friends and share pictures and anecdotes. FF doesn't see the need to announce his relationship status to the world through a computer program. I could be "In a relationship" but I thought "It's complicated" was a more humorous and cryptic choice since it was listed as an option. It doesn't bother me his status says "single." Try telling your married coworkers you are in a relationship - they still label me as "those single people."

I'm pretty sure his conscience will torture him if he tries to betray me regardless of his Facebook status. The status thing just bothers other people who see Facebook as the gospel of news. I just wanted to commiserate with absolut_blonde about how crazy Facebook makes people whether intentional or not.

My teenage patients are usually horrified to find out their doctors are on Facebook, LOL.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 2/27/2009 2:36:08 AM
Author: gryffindor
FF doesn''t see the need to announce his relationship status to the world through a computer program.

Just in case you didn''t know, you can set your relationship status to blank, and nothing will show up on your profile. You can avoid announcing your relationship status to the world and avoid their annoying questions

.

 

[kittybean]

Absolut_blonde, I don''t think you''re being a brat at all. I felt like that so many days when I was waiting. I broke down one night and cried and told my now-fiance that I was jealous of my good friend whose wedding I was helping to plan. It helped so much to get it out, even though the poor guy had no idea how to react. Maybe it would help to talk to your FF about it (in an I''m-not-joking but still mostly rational manner)?

I hope your wait isn''t too much longer!

 

[gryffindor]

Date: 2/27/2009 5:38:22 AM
Author: kittybean
Just in case you didn''t know, you can set your relationship status to blank, and nothing will show up on your profile. You can avoid announcing your relationship status to the world and avoid their annoying questions

.

Thank you kittybean, and this occurred to me after I posted. I think after we are married I will do that since it will be obvious from photos that we are hitched.

Or we could list both of our statuses as "single" and continue to freak out our friends.