Living together pre-marraige...

[Amys Bling]

What are your thoughts? What did you do?

FI and I bought a townhouse together 1.5 years before he proposed! We were dating for 10 years at that point and were planning out lives together, we just prioritized getting a home over the ring and wedding.

 

[asymons412]

We've lived together for almost a year now and have been together 7 years overall. We were only engaged on April 23rd of this year.

We haven't bought a house yet mostly because we're not convinced that we want to buy a property until we're back on the East coast again. However we are hoping to start saving up once we're married, hopefully setting aside money from wedding gifts to start our 10% downpayment savings.

I am an advocate of living together before marriage; I think it will have saved us a lot of stress and hassle because we've had that chance to work out the kinks!

 

[merilenda]

We've been together for almost 4 years and have been living together for almost 3 years (getting married in September). We rent though. We're definitely getting to the point where we want to buy a house, but we need a place to settle first. FI is starting a new job in PA this August (we're from Missouri). So we're going to see how that goes for a year and then talk about buying a house if we plan to stay.

In terms of living together before marriage, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think there's one way that works for everyone. But for me, I can't imagine not having that experience before agreeing to marry someone. Our first year living together was very shaky and we almost broke up. We fought all. of. the. time. It's taken a lot of adjustment and compromise, but our relationship is so much stronger now. I'm glad we went through that before we got married, and not after. I'm not saying we'll never have any issues that need to be worked out again. Just that I think our relationship is stronger having lived together the last 3 years than it would be if we hadn't.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

We've been together for 2 years, and will not live together until after the wedding. I'm old fashioned, I suppose.

We actually live 2 hours apart, but we make it work because we're committed to each other and it's worth it. I can't wait to live with him and see him every day!

 

[amc80]

We don't live together and won't until a few months before the wedding. We will have to get a new place, since I have a condo and he has three dogs...and his place is small. So it just depends on when we can get a new place. Ideally we wouldn't want to live together until pretty close to the wedding, but it will probably happen a few months before. I'm excited though, it will give us time to get moved in and settled before the wedding. I'd hate to come back from the honeymoon and have to deal with boxes and unpacking.

 

[yssie]

We've been together for almost 4 years and have been living together for almost 3 years (getting married in September). We rent though. We're definitely getting to the point where we want to buy a house, but we need a place to settle first. FI is starting a new job in PA this August (we're from Missouri). So we're going to see how that goes for a year and then talk about buying a house if we plan to stay.

In terms of living together before marriage, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think there's one way that works for everyone. But for me, I can't imagine not having that experience before agreeing to marry someone. Our first year living together was very shaky and we almost broke up. We fought all. of. the. time. It's taken a lot of adjustment and compromise, but our relationship is so much stronger now. I'm glad we went through that before we got married, and not after. I'm not saying we'll never have any issues that need to be worked out again. Just that I think our relationship is stronger having lived together the last 3 years than it would be if we hadn't.

That, exactly.

I want to know how my SO behaves toward me when he doesn't have his game face on - when he's tired and cranky, when he's not feeling up to company. I want to know how he actually lives - is the place really that clean? I want to know if we can manage our finances together - do we have the same financial goals? Can we agree on how to split bills, etc.? I want to know that we can compromise in day to day affairs. Heck - I want to know for sure that we'll have sex regularly and that it'll be fun even when it's not 'date night'!

I moved out to CA where he's in grad school and we were engaged two weeks later (I moved with the understanding that we'd be engaged by the end of the year). We had a two year engagement - deliberately long, to spend enough time living together to be sure that marriage was right for us.

 

[slg47]

We've been together for almost 4 years and have been living together for almost 3 years (getting married in September). We rent though. We're definitely getting to the point where we want to buy a house, but we need a place to settle first. FI is starting a new job in PA this August (we're from Missouri). So we're going to see how that goes for a year and then talk about buying a house if we plan to stay.

In terms of living together before marriage, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't think there's one way that works for everyone. But for me, I can't imagine not having that experience before agreeing to marry someone. Our first year living together was very shaky and we almost broke up. We fought all. of. the. time. It's taken a lot of adjustment and compromise, but our relationship is so much stronger now. I'm glad we went through that before we got married, and not after. I'm not saying we'll never have any issues that need to be worked out again. Just that I think our relationship is stronger having lived together the last 3 years than it would be if we hadn't.

That, exactly.

I want to know how my SO behaves toward me when he doesn't have his game face on - when he's tired and cranky, when he's not FIfeeling up to company. I want to know how he actually lives - is the place really that clean? I want to know if we can manage our finances together - do we have the same financial goals? Can we agree on how to split bills, etc.? I want to know that we can compromise in day to day affairs. Heck - I want to know for sure that we'll have sex regularly and that it'll be fun even when it's not 'date night'!

I moved out to CA where he's in grad school and we were engaged two weeks later (I moved with the understanding that we'd be engaged by the end of the year). We had a two year engagement - deliberately long, to spend enough time living together to be sure that marriage was right for us.

and long enough for upgrades

we lived together before engagement...it just made sense for us. I moved out to CA for school and then FI got a job here, so he moved in a year later. We got engaged a year after living together (it would have been sooner but someone couldn't make up her mind about a ring )

 

[Autumnovember]

We dated a year before I moved in with him. It'll be 3 years this August that we've been living together. Overall, I'm really happy with my decision to live with him before marriage...I think things would have been very rough for us right now if we had not done it this way. Besides that, I'm not so sure we would have even been engaged right now. If anything, it sped up the process.

In order to move in together, I did make some sacrifices. While my decision to transfer school was not all because I wanted to live with him, it was definitely part of it. I didn't have much of a choice BUT to transfer schools at the time and it was the perfect opportunity for me to move an hour and a half away from home and go to school in his hometown.

After I graduated, I chose to apply to other schools around his area so I could further my education/continue to live with him.

I can't say its been easy to be away from my family but we make it work and go to my hometown every weekend. The traveling back and forth doesn't phase us anymore.

 

[Haven]

We dated for four years before marrying, and we bought a house together and moved into it about one month before our wedding. (I was out of the country for half of that time, so we really only lived together for two weeks before we were married.)

It worked for us. I was extremely anxious about moving in with *anyone* because I like my alone time and space, and we had been together long enough before we were married that there weren't any surprises once we did move in together. We had already traveled together, and spent weekends and weeknights together at each others' places, so it wasn't much of an adjustment.

We adjusted to living together really well, and didn't have any real problems that I can think of. It wasn't difficult or hard, just a lot of fun because we FINALLY started to build our home together.

I think the answer is different for each person. I knew I didn't want to live with anyone else until the last possible moment so I didn't. Looking back, I'm not really sure what I was so scared of, but I used to joke that I would have gotten married much earlier if I could have kept on living alone. Now, I love living with DH and I'm glad I took the plunge!

 

[mayerling]

We've been together for almost four years and have been living together for a year and half (we moved in together shortly before getting engaged). We're getting married in about 4 months.

 

[gls]

We will not be living together until after we are married.
I have mixed feelings about this "choice". My parents are very traditional and that is why I dont live with FI and part of me likes living apart at the moment and being able to spend that extra time with my parents, whom I love so much (I am an only child and am really close with my parents). It also helps me save money with bills, rent ect.
On the other hand I would've like to have lived with FI, to get to know his habits and things that might irritate me (although I have discovered many!). He however does live alone, so I know he can fend for himself and cook and clean ect.

Its a really personal choice and there are no rights and wrongs.

 

[vc10um]

FI and I moved in together after 9 months of dating. We live in the DC Metro area and as we were already spending nearly every night together at one home or the other, it just made sense to move in together. We made sure to get a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo, and rent, just because while we had wonderful feelings about our relationship at that point and had moved well-past the "honeymoon" phase, we didn't want to buy property together before we were married. We also live in a VERY expensive area, and by moving in together we've managed to save a lot more money than we would have if we continued to live alone. Looking back, I know it was the absolute right decision for us, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We got engaged on our two year anniversary and are getting married on our three year anniversary in 6.5 weeks!

 

[blacksand]

I have really mixed feelings about it, despite the fact that FI and I are very happily living together now. I have no moral objection to living together before marriage (or for that matter, never getting married at all). I do agree that it's a great way to really get to know someone. FI and I have certainly learned a lot in the last few months. For us, it works well. We are having a long engagement, and we are planning to start trying to have a baby immediately after the wedding. If we had not lived together before marriage, I would absolutely not feel ready to try to conceive until we'd be married (and thus living together) for at least a year. It's a huge adjustment period, and throwing a baby into that mix would just be too much for me. So I'm happy about our arrangement. We have the next year and a half to just enjoy living together and being a couple. Essentially, we're living as a married couple now. We just haven't had the actual wedding yet.

But that also makes me a little sad sometimes. Getting married, for us, is just making it official. Nothing will really change about our day-to-day lives. There will be no adjustment period after the wedding. Life will just go on. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess, just...a bit different from what I had always envisioned.

I also want to add that I would never move in with someone I wasn't already 100% committed to. I really don't like the oh-so-prevalent "try before you buy" mentality. I wouldn't move in with someone just to see whether or not we could make it work. I'd only move in if I felt certain we would make it work, and if I were completely committed to doing whatever I could to make it work. I know it takes two, and things can happen that you don't expect. But at least as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't move in with someone unless I felt the same level of commitment as a bride saying her vows on her wedding day.

 

[mrswahs]

When we moved in together it was because he had just gotten a new job and needed to move, and I had just graduated college and had a full time job, so it just made sense for us to get a place together instead of having him find a random roommate on craigslist. We will have lived together 2.5 years when we get married. We've also been best friends for 7 years. I don't think we needed to live together before getting married simply because we've KNOWN each other, all the good and bad for so long. BUT, I'm glad that we have lived together. We are perfect roommates for each other, I like to cook, and he'll do the dishes. I'll clean the bathroom, he'll vacuum, etc. It was also nice to see that we can live together and live together well before committing to doing so "until death do us part"

 

[rosetta]

Well we won't even be living together AFTER we get married.

Our work will keep us 200 miles apart for another year.

We've been together almost 2 years, but we never lived together. However we have lived at each others places for weeks at a time. So not many surprises left!

 

[Anonymous]

I knew FI for a year LD before we met in person. I know it sounds ridiculous, but from that first week together we both knew this was it for us. We flew back and forth for an additional year of torture before he moved here. We wanted to know that we were with each other because we wanted to be, not because we had no other choice. So FI rented a room for the first 4 months after moving here...which he never stayed in.

He proposed 8 months after moving in and we will have lived together for just under 2 yrs by our wedding. We learned a LOT about each other during the last two years. I learned that he likes to organize the refrigerator (which I hate) and I love to vacuum (which he hates). We learned how to work together, respect our difference and above all else, that we're absolutely right for each other. I think that's a perfect timeline and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

[Glitz]

Although I'm still a LIW I thought I would chime in. I've been with my SO for 6 years this July and we've been living together almost the whole time. When we met I had a place on my own, and he lived 30mins out of town so he would stay over all the time. Eventually we officially moved in together and got our own apartment... which burned down! That was about 2 years into our relationship and brought us even closer together, as we rebuilt our future together and accepted help from family and friends I slowly realized that everything we own now is "ours". Last August we bought our first house, it's perfect and has everything we both were looking for in a home. We both agreed that a downpayment was a lot more important to us than an engagement ring. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if we hadn't been living together and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now that we have our ducks in a row, an engagement is next in line

 

[diamondringlover]

Well I have been married for 27 years, but we did live together before getting married, I moved in with him 3 weeks after I met him (yes I said 3 weeks ) we got engaged 9 months later and married 5 months after that, so we lived together for a total of almost 15 months...

 

[kittybean]

We moved in a few months after getting engaged. Before that, we were living in different cities about 40 minutes apart, but with school ending for me, I needed to move, and it made sense for us to find a place together. We lived together for about nine months before our wedding, and I loved it! Thankfully, it only seemed to make our relationship stronger, and we were happy to realize that the transition was going to be relatively seamless. It actually made me even more excited to get married.

Blacksand, I think you will be pleasantly surprised to realize that being married will feel like more than just "making it official." While not much will change in your daily routine, I think it will feel different and special after the wedding, and that will make all the difference. You should check out the thread in Newlyweds where people talk about what changed after getting married--I'm sure you'll be looking forward to it even more once you do.

 

[manderz]

We've been together for nearly 9 years, living together for about 8, bought a house together nearly 3 years ago, and we got engaged last summer. We started dating when I was 18, and my first apartment was our first apartment. We've built our lives together, never had to do the combining of the things, or the separating of the things, and I'm really glad. I'm really happy with him, and the way our lives worked out. Couldn't have asked for more <3<3

 

[cushionsparkle]

We've been together almost 3 years, living together for 2 and a half (we moved in quick!) but we had been friends for YEARS before we were together as a couple. We just bought a house and then he proposed. So much excitment all in one month!

I'm glad we lived together first. We fought most of the first year and a half after moving in together. We're both really stubborn strong willed personality and it's taken him a long time to learn the mantra "happy wife, happy life".

It just depends on circumstance I guess? I'm glad he knows all my bad qualities and STILL wants to marry me.

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

My fiance and I have been together 5.5 years officially. We started dating in July 2005, so I'll say we've been together about 6 years.

We've been engaged almost 2 years (August will be 2 years).

We bought our house last July. We talked about living together before that point, before we were engaged, but it didn't happen. I'm glad we were engaged when everything fell into place. Even though from VERY early on, we've FELT like we've lived together, because I would spend all my time and nights at his place, I guess it's only been official almost a year. Even now, he works overseas for 2, sometimes 2.5 months at a time, and is only back for 3 weeks at a time so most of the time we aren't actually living together. We won't even be living together full time until a few months after we get married.

He always believed that it was a necessary part of a relationship that is serious, to live together before marriage. I didn't believe that for a while, but after 5 years together, I'd say there's really no reason NOT to live together.

I enjoy it, and we do already feel married. Maybe it's because we live together well?!